Hello, <insert name here>.
I want to play a game.
Each of the paragraphs before you contain a sequence of agonizingly bad jokes. Reading through each one will feel like a lifetime, but this is nothing compared to the lifetime that you have spent sitting on your ass browsing stupid websites like this one. All the time you were doing that, you could have gone outside and contributed something useful and meaningful to the world, yet you did not. But never fear, because reading through the following paragraphs will bring you ever closer to freedom, freedom from this website, freedom from rubbish jokes, freedom from the lies you have told yourself all these years. However, if you fail to read to the bottom in time, a patch of CSS script embedded in this page will activate and automatically redirect you to a 16 hour video of the Wizards Of Waverly Place from the Disney channel, and you will be subjected to the television viewing so tedious that your body will retch up your entire digestive system onto the computer in front of you.
Think of it like a reverse birthday cake.
Make it through this page, find it in yourself to do the right thing, and you will discover if you are seen by other people as you see yourself.
Laugh or cry, <insert name here>. Make your choice.
Let the games begin
Welcome to your first test. This paragraph leads to a page which has been described by some of the Uncyclopedia admins as "the most disgusting page on the interweb" in between vomiting up the contents of their own stomachs. It is a shock site that has been compared many times to such horrors as Lemon Party, Goatse, Tubgirl, and 2 Girls 1 Cup; except it is worse than all of those, put together, TIMES A MILLION. The link to said page is disguised somewhere in this paragraph. Winning this critical battle with your inner pervert (yes, you do have one) requires what would be minimal effort for any ordinary person; you can simply move on to the next paragraph, bypassing your sick urges and saving yourself some unpleasant memories in the years to come. Alternatively you can surrender what is left of your conscience, visit the page and do whatever it is you like to do on pages like that. It's up to you. Mwuhahaha.
Predict what I predict
Perhaps, when you saw the title of this paragraph, you automatically predicted it will contain some kind of a prediction. If so, then wrong again, fuckface. Reality just isn't your friend today, is it? This shows that you are predictable enough for your own predictions to be predicted. That's got to change.
Predictability is one of Mankind's most dangerous functions. It can turn a movie from a five-star rating to a one-star rating, a relationship from "I love you" to "I think we should see other people/It's not you, it's me/Let's just be friends." The human mind can withstand massive amounts of predictability before finally losing the will to exist. Ever wonder how predictable Uncyclopedia can be? This paragraph is going to start being predictable.
One of the authors of this entire article also made a prediction once, one that is perhaps too up-to-date. This person recently wrote an UnNews article which contains a source which is, while relevant to the report, is not from the current day but from the next one. This page you are reading links to that report.
Now you have two choices: The first one is to keep your original prediction that this paragraph indeed contains a prediction and assume it is the prediction of this paragraph's author that you will indeed look up for this UnNews article and see the prediction in it. The second one is to just continue to the next paragraph, predicting that you will not miss much by not looking up the said prediction, meaning that the prediction act described in the title refers to this new prediction you have just made.
Prick like my prick
This test will probe a little deeper into the origins of what brought you to read this article in the first place. But in order to do that, you might want to learn a thing or two about this article's own history. The very first version of it was of a somewhat gay nature, and was discovered and huffed by Canadian admin Todd Lyons by using a special gaydar known as The Lyons-Gaydar, or in short Lyonsgayd, or Lionsgate in American accent. Not a long time after that, the Lions Gate Entertainment was formed, specializing in developing gaydars and torture instruments for recovering gay articles and punishing their authors. Since then, the article has been huffed for several more times.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find the total number of the huffs, get the number of bytes in the version of this article that matches the number of the huffs, and find the American President who died in the year that matches that number of bytes. Now check your result: As closer you are to George W. Bush, the more you suck; If you chose to do nothing of the above, you get Hillary Clinton.
Twist as I twist
Now you have reached your final test. Throughout this article you have been given several chances to avoid reading this filthy Uncyclopedia material, and now you can make your final choice: Should you continue reading until the end, or should you overcome your sick desire, and find it in your soul to exit this article and have a nice wank to a Bon Jovi album, or whatever sick bastards like you use to spend your days doing?
But I see you couldn't resist your passion to continue reading. You might want to know, however, that this article you're at the moment finishing up reading has been all along not a parody on the American Saw film series, but actually a parody on you, the reader of this article; You was the subject of all these shitty jokes you have been reading. This has been suggested to you in several ways since you first entered this article, by indicating what seemed to be facts regarding your own nature. Thus, the way you see yourself is exactly the way this article described you:
- Your desire was referred to as "sick".
- You were called a fuckface.
- It is assumed you are able to determine the exact year of death of each American president.
Now would be a good time for you to scream the word no over and over again a few times, just to make this thing closer to a parody on the film series, and perhaps save some of your dignity. Game over.
- A simple "oh noes" might do.