Movies are essentially redepictions of the tragedies of others. They have baffled psychologists as it was found in a study conducted by the government that the majority of movie goers remain expressionless when watching the loss of life, limb, heartbreak, hatred and racism. Moreover it was found that people were often willing to pay money to see such movies, as well as buy food to enjoy themselves while watching it.
To this day psychologists still do not fully understand why human beings enjoy watching such movies. Perhaps it is the thought of paying a lot of money to the movies, sitting with stupid noisy people crunching their popcorn, while getting your eyes and ear bombarded by huge screen and noise. Yes, we love movies.
There are also comedy movies, but those are just stupid. There are also drama movies, but those are just stupid. There are also sci-fi movies, but those are just stupid.
Artificial movies[edit | edit source]
Those humans breed like rabbits!" Inevitably, the number of humans outstripped the number of wild Movies, leading to the Dark Ages. Fortunately, the Renaissance saw the invention of mechanized substitutes, which snare their prey with pretty pictures. Though they were originally intended to carry fleas and spread the Black Death, movie pictures eventually proved far more effective at diverting semen by presenting pornography. It is generally agreed that the invention of the movie picture came about in the early fourteenth century due to the efforts of the Marquis of Butter. The Marquis hoped to create a form of entertainment that would be accessible to even the poorest peasant. In this he failed, as theater houses soon began charging up to fourteen months' pay for single admission and a bucket of au gratin potatoes (the preferred movie snack of the time).
In the past century filmmaking has become, in the minds of many, a legitimate art form, with many movies earning critical acclaim for their subject matter and artistic value. The Sound of Music, for example, staring Bruce Willis * won eight Oscars for its stark exploration of meth abuse among the plebeians of early Rome, and the whaling film White Men Can't Jump has been cited as the primary inspiration behind Herman Melville's novel The Outlaw Josie Whales.
Filmmaking can also be used as an effective medium of telling sadistic stories, which help to summon evil spirits. A good example of a studio that does sadistic moviPes are Walt Disney. On the other hand, directors like Quentin Tarrantino and Martin Scorcese have created heartwarming films for childrem.
Steps in a movie[edit | edit source]
Typically, movies have nine different stages to develop a story-
- Enthusiastic rush into a problematic intro
- Dealing with the problem
- The journey
- The sad slow-mo scene
- The kissing scene
- The big action fighting scene
Varieties of film[edit | edit source]
Movies can be broken up into Good Movies and Bad Movies. Good movies will waste your time and are very dangerous. Bad movies have several uses, to treat insomnia, Annoy friends (provided you have any to annoy, Although you wont afterwards), Helping to Unblock your Toilet, Causing Insomnia, Saving Fuel and Money (by keeping you curled up in your bed and unwilling to leave the house/apartment/tent/dumpster/parents basement, thus no need to waste money on fuel), inducing vomiting, or to assist in interrogations at Guantanamo Bay.
British Movies[edit | edit source]
- Good movies have a few common traits that can help recognition.
- Bad movies are more easily recognized. Any of the following guarantees a Bad Movie, escape if you can!
- Stars Kevin Costner, Tom Cruise or Hugh Grant
- Billed as a "drama-comedy"
- One of the characters is a cripple: The movie is a copy of Rear Window (the least lame of its kind, which isn't saying anything)
- The word "Michael" or "Bay" appearing anywhere on the promotional poster or during the theatrical trailer/television commercial for any film
- The word "wife" is in the title
- Preceded by a UFO icon or billed as a "Sci Fi Channel original"
- Made in the U.S. between 1998 and 2010
- A remake of some Asian ghost flick
- Bruce Campbell does NOT star in it
- Not Directed by Mel Brooks
- Is about who can dance the best
- Fiercely fast attacking zombies that isn't "28 Days Later"
- Neither of the Above 2
- Patrick Stewart Plays a character named Jean Lu Picard
- Features any or all of the following, The Disney logo, A courageous dog, A snooty cat, Animated, Reality Based, Inception-style reality/mind/dream/real/fake Bullshit that will confuse all fuck out of you and you need to pay your hard earned money so you can watch that god forsaken thing again and again and again and again until you finally understand what the fucker is all about and can now sleep at night (Inception is the ONLY exception to hat rule).
- Limp Bizkit is on the sound track
- Vin Diesel
- Involve Brendan Fraser existing
- Any sequel, especially if it has a high roman numeral, ex. Rocky XIII
- If the movie has the words "The Last Airbender"(unless animated)
- Rob Schneider. Just no.
- An action/adventure movie that focuses on people exploding and buildings dying.
- Anything that doesn't have Oscar Wilde
- It has Macaulay Culkin cursing
- It has A-list actors doing extremely stupid roles, ex. Bruce Willis dressed up as an Easter Bunny
- Directed by Uwe Boll
- Has the words "The", "A", "My", "He", "She" or "Your" in the title or sub-heading
- Anything released in a movie cinema EVER!!