Portal:Technology

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The Technology Portal
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Technology is a natural byproduct of human greed and laziness. It all started when Man first realized he could do something faster with a tool, rather than his own bare hands, and he could then use the free time he would accrue to jerk off and eat berries. It is a sad irony that, for however much he could multiply the fruits of his labor, his wants would increase in tandem, and however complex our tools could become, they can never fill the boundless need to devour, to consume, which rules unchecked inside the human soul.

With wisdom, our civilization has abandoned the Sisyphean task of fulfilling every want, and has instead devoted the entirety of mankind's intellectual power to making numbers on a screen go bigger, and to create bigger and more exciting looking explosions. We have even begun building the foundations of a non-human super-intelligence, which will literally kill everybody on Earth the second it is turned on, in the hopes we can make some very rich people even richer in the interim.

Featured Article
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Adobe Potatochop CS4 is the industry standard software for chip production amongst chip shops the length and breadth of England. Available with a number of plugins, including the most recent 'extra crispy' update, it is, along with Adobe Suppersready and Adobe Fritolayers, one of Adobe's most well known pieces of software.

Released first in the United States, it is currently available for Pringles XP and Pringles Vista under the slogan "Once you chop, you can't stop" and also for Apple Mac as CS4 (Chip Shop 4). The latest version of this popular software is bundled as part of the CS Studio range, along with Adobe Fritolayers, and the recently acquired Macromedia Frites, Macromedia Fryworks and Macromedia DreamGriddler.

Featured Image
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Advanced sensors and warning signs have significantly increased the driver survival rate for a wild Grue encounter from 0.02% to 9%
Did You Know...
  • ... that the first webcam was created to monitor a coffee pot at the University of Cambridge?
  • ... that Nokia used to sell toilet paper?
  • ... that "Bluetooth" is named after a Viking king, Harald Bluetooth, who united Denmark and Norway—just like the tech unites devices?
  • ... that in 2006 someone tried to sell New Zealand on eBay?
Notable Nerds
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Elon "Not A Hitler Enthusiast" Musk (born June 28, 1971) is a hair transplant model, Twitter monger, microchip in-braininator, self-declared autist, right hand of the current POTUS, professional baby namer, deadbeat dad, world's most divorced man, and business magnate, which means he hires other people to invent stuff and then gets all the money and fame. Unlike Steve Jobs, who gets undue credit by technology wonks for revolutionizing the smart phone industry, Musk is given undue credit for paving the way to mankind's salvation through his signature line of government-funded penii-shaped rockets and electric cars. This has naturally gone to his head. Nerds have compared him to Iron Man, which is apt, since their technical and engineering genius are both fictions used by billion-dollar corporate doody dump machines to generate loads of money.

Self-declared protector of """free speech""" and capitalism, Musk has founded a string of novelty technology companies, like flying dildo launcher SpaceX or Tesla, which sells cars that will drive themselves into oncoming traffic. On February 6, 2018, he launched his personal Tesla Roadster into space–it can be seen with a telescope, running over the desiccated corpse of Carl Sagan.

Technology Spotlight
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The modern Compact Disc (also known as a CD) was first invented by Atlantian priest/scientists prior to Noah's flood. Due to their super advanced mumbo jumbo no one was able to understand the significance of CDs until the mid 1430's when the Evil Ming the Merciless used his secret decoder ring to translate certain Egyptian texts found inside the Great Pyramid (rumored to be a primitive fast food restaurant built by the Atlantians, but in fact the Great Pyramid was originally constructed by aliens from planet Paris25 as a way to keep their razor blades sharp, the Atlantians later modified it for fast food purposes, thus allowing the first ninja to deliver burgers to the ancient Babylonians. The secrets of the ninja/Atlantian alliance have yet to be fully probed). However, in the evolution of the modern CD, scientists increased the loudness of sounds on CD in order to keep the public stupid and ignorant.

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