Portal:Technology

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The Technology Portal
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Technology is a natural byproduct of human greed and laziness. It all started when Man first realized he could do something faster with a tool, rather than his own bare hands, and he could then use the free time he would accrue to jerk off and eat berries. It is a sad irony that, for however much he could multiply the fruits of his labor, his wants would increase in tandem, and however complex our tools could become, they can never fill the boundless need to devour, to consume, which rules unchecked inside the human soul.

With wisdom, our civilization has abandoned the Sisyphean task of fulfilling every want, and has instead devoted the entirety of mankind's intellectual power to making numbers on a screen go bigger, and to create bigger and more exciting looking explosions. We have even begun building the foundations of a non-human super-intelligence, which will literally kill everybody on Earth the second it is turned on, in the hopes we can make some very rich people even richer in the interim.

Featured Article
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Samsung is a Korean manufacturer of smartphones, phablets, and tablets that people are compelled to buy once every six months, without fail. Otherwise they will stare down the gauntlet of ridicule and social ruin for having a portable device with a gigantic screen that can disappointingly only be read from the Moon, compared to the new model, which has an even more gigantic screen that can be read from the outer planets and further.

The modern corporation is a secretive family-owned conglomerate and, like all secretive family-owned conglomerates famed for their work on the big screen, it also has interests in the chemicals and shipping industries to complement its manufacturing credentials. Curiously, Samsung is yet to put a finger in the bolt-cutter and Robert DeNiro industries, though.

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The inventors of the Horse-drawn submarine attempted to use land horses, rather than seahorses, to save a quick buck. Many animals dead!
Did You Know...
  • ... that early mobile phones could actually interfere with CRT TVs, causing screen distortions when ringing?
  • ... that early mobile phones could actually interfere with CRT TVs, causing screen distortions when ringing?
  • ... that in 1994, a hacker known as "Da Shadow" hijacked NASA's public website and posted a recipe for chili?
  • ... that Steve Wozniak was expelled from the University of Colorado Boulder for hacking the school's computer system to prank dorm mates?
  • ... that early laser printers used a modified Xerox photocopier mechanism—and they were huge?
Notable Nerds
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Elon "Not A Hitler Enthusiast" Musk (born June 28, 1971) is a hair transplant model, Twitter monger, microchip in-braininator, self-declared autist, right hand of the current POTUS, professional baby namer, deadbeat dad, world's most divorced man, and business magnate, which means he hires other people to invent stuff and then gets all the money and fame. Unlike Steve Jobs, who gets undue credit by technology wonks for revolutionizing the smart phone industry, Musk is given undue credit for paving the way to mankind's salvation through his signature line of government-funded penii-shaped rockets and electric cars. This has naturally gone to his head. Nerds have compared him to Iron Man, which is apt, since their technical and engineering genius are both fictions used by billion-dollar corporate doody dump machines to generate loads of money.

Self-declared protector of """free speech""" and capitalism, Musk has founded a string of novelty technology companies, like flying dildo launcher SpaceX or Tesla, which sells cars that will drive themselves into oncoming traffic. On February 6, 2018, he launched his personal Tesla Roadster into space–it can be seen with a telescope, running over the desiccated corpse of Carl Sagan.

Technology Spotlight
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The modern Compact Disc (also known as a CD) was first invented by Atlantian priest/scientists prior to Noah's flood. Due to their super advanced mumbo jumbo no one was able to understand the significance of CDs until the mid 1430's when the Evil Ming the Merciless used his secret decoder ring to translate certain Egyptian texts found inside the Great Pyramid (rumored to be a primitive fast food restaurant built by the Atlantians, but in fact the Great Pyramid was originally constructed by aliens from planet Paris25 as a way to keep their razor blades sharp, the Atlantians later modified it for fast food purposes, thus allowing the first ninja to deliver burgers to the ancient Babylonians. The secrets of the ninja/Atlantian alliance have yet to be fully probed). However, in the evolution of the modern CD, scientists increased the loudness of sounds on CD in order to keep the public stupid and ignorant.

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