Portal:Technology

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The Technology Portal
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Technology is a natural byproduct of human greed and laziness. It all started when Man first realized he could do something faster with a tool, rather than his own bare hands, and he could then use the free time he would accrue to jerk off and eat berries. It is a sad irony that, for however much he could multiply the fruits of his labor, his wants would increase in tandem, and however complex our tools could become, they can never fill the boundless need to devour, to consume, which rules unchecked inside the human soul.

With wisdom, our civilization has abandoned the Sisyphean task of fulfilling every want, and has instead devoted the entirety of mankind's intellectual power to making numbers on a screen go bigger, and to create bigger and more exciting looking explosions. We have even begun building the foundations of a non-human super-intelligence, which will literally kill everybody on Earth the second it is turned on, in the hopes we can make some very rich people even richer in the interim.

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Television is the end product of a signal produced by a stream of electrons impacting on the phosphors of a cathode ray tube. This relatively simple device also happens to be the worst thing to have ever happened to the human race's intelligence. Well, until the Internet that is.

Television also makes you think images are moving. Television sets contain high levels of drugs which wirelessly and invisibly go into your body orally – that's how you think the pictures move. The actual picture on a television screen is actually simply black with nothing. This has been considered by scientists as to why many children and teenagers are addicted to watching television; there are many bright colours in children's programmes, and bright colours can cause double levels of the "teledrug" (the top secret mixture of drugs in a TV set) to feed into the children's brains, so as they are mesmerised by the drugs, more feeds into their tiny little brains.

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Some toasters came with the ability to burn CD-R and DVD-R, connected by then lightning fast USB 2.0., however, consumers were put off by the smell of burnt plastic
Did You Know...
  • ... that X-Y Position Indicator for Display Systems was the name of the first mouse?
  • ... that the first digital camera, invented by Kodak in 1975, took 23 seconds to capture a black-and-white image?
  • ... that YouTube started out as a dating site before pivoting to video sharing?
  • ... that the Nintendo Game Boy survived a Gulf War bombing and still works (it's on display in a Nintendo store)?
  • ... that the Nintendo Game Boy survived a Gulf War bombing and still works (it's on display in a Nintendo store)?
Notable Nerds
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Nikola Tesla (Serbian: Кицк Асс; 10 July 1856 – 7 January 1943) is one Croatian bad mofo and a god of electricity in Norse mythology. He is also a scientist, inventor and visionary. Worship him for you cannot win, he shall disarm all your petty weapons.

Though commonly believed to be human, Nikola Tesla was actually born through a small discharge of static electricity caused by his mother rubbing up against the local pizza delivery boy during a lightning storm, or at least that's what she told Tesla's father. Another lesser known theory claims that he actually was hired to construct himself by his father in the summer of 1883 for 5$ per hour. The story has it that Tesla had already been working on plans for himself in secret for several years so was able to start right away. Unfortunately, because he revealed his plan to Thomas Edison, Edison patented him before he could build himself and then had Tesla's legs broken for copyright infringement.

Technology Spotlight
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Space Shuttles are large vehicles run by NASA that typically travel between the Earth and extraplanetary destinations like the Moon, Alpha Centauri, diverse areas of Texas and thus Hell. Widely viewed as the safest and most comfortable way to travel to any of those destinations, they have developed a cult following, being mimicked by such fictional television characters as Captain Kirk, Buck Rogers, and Ronald Reagan. The Shuttle system as a whole consists of three components: the orbiter (right) which carries people and cargo; the external tank, which holds an extra supply of coal for the shuttle to use during lift-off; and the SRBs (Smelly, Reeking Bums). Space shuttles fly regular missions from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, sometimes at a rate of two or three per week. At a maximum flight speed of 600,000 miles per hour (166.66 miles per second), the space shuttle is by far the fastest ship in the known universe, being even faster than the Millenium Falcon.

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