Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal
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We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
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Iron Chef is on later tonight
Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Monday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.
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Now that you have the required ingredients and the proper gear, let's go!
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are doing fine since our last week rendez-vous, when we cooked the pickle-stuffed turkey with amber paint sauce. Today, we are going to prepare a delicacy that has been passed on for generations in my family since my great-grandmother, a gypsy and always typsy refugee, invented it in 1923. As is the case with all amazing discoveries, this came about as a result of both sheer luck and bad timing. It was later improved by my grandfather Yuri Larionov, who was a leading USSR scientist employed at the Chernobyl nuclear plant when an inauspicious work incident forced him into retirement. He then had ample time to improve the family recipe book with his lone remaining arm and deeply fried brain. Anyway! Enough babbling, let's get on our way, shall we? My mouth is already producing radioactive secretions.  (more...)
Article Credit: Mattsnow View All
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Culinary News

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CALIFORNIA, USA -- Italian-American man Amanita Muscaria, like many people of southern European descent, had a life-long passion for wild mushrooms and was a common sight in the hills and forests above the town he'd called home for over 50 years where he foraged for them. He'd become something of an expert over the decades and his family didn't worry when he stopped checking his finds in reference books, believing as he did that the old man knew all there was to know on the subject.

However, they'll be glad they didn't join him for a dinner of his favourite pizza ai funghi last week...  (more...)

Article Credit: RabbiTechno View All
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Ben & Jerry's
Introducing a new flavor, designed to help you relax.
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I love you like Kim Kardashian loves cake!  
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Highlighted Eatery

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Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness.  (more...)
Article Credit: Xamralco View All
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Featured Food Product

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Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.
Rutabaga

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain...  (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek View All
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Did You Know...

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 this cookie is actually savory.
 twice baked potatoes are a labor of love.
 the most effective way to slice onions without crying is to keep your eyes closed while slicing.
 Guy Fieri's favorite song is Grill on Fire.
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Referendum

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101  Culinary Institute of America  UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking
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