Portal:Culinary
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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal
We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus. CATEGORIES: Bread and Pasta - Candy - Cannibalism - Cereals - Cheese - Chicken - Chocolate - Cooking - Condiments - Cuisine - Desserts - Drink - Eggs - Fast Food - Featured Articles - Food Images - Fruit - Kitchen Implements - Meat - Mushrooms - Pie - Poop Cuisine - Recipes - Restaurants - Snack Foods - Things You Can Eat - Vegetables - All... |
Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close.
It's Monday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.Highlighted Article
Fantastik Flavored Hallucinogenic Ham with Uranium Seasoning
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are doing fine since our last week rendez-vous, when we cooked the pickle-stuffed turkey with amber paint sauce. Today, we are going to prepare a delicacy that has been passed on for generations in my family since my great-grandmother, a gypsy and always typsy refugee, invented it in 1923. As is the case with all amazing discoveries, this came about as a result of both sheer luck and bad timing. It was later improved by my grandfather Yuri Larionov, who was a leading USSR scientist employed at the Chernobyl nuclear plant when an inauspicious work incident forced him into retirement. He then had ample time to improve the family recipe book with his lone remaining arm and deeply fried brain. Anyway! Enough babbling, let's get on our way, shall we? My mouth is already producing radioactive secretions. (more...)Article Credit: | View All |
Culinary News
SMITHVILLE, Arkansas - Residents of Smithville, a sleepy hamlet with a population of just over one hundred, are shocked and aghast after a simple meal went horribly, terribly wrong. The dinner, consisting of spaghetti, tossed salad, onion rolls and fresh-squeezed apple juice, was interrupted by an act that shocked and aghasted the family gathered around the family dinner table for a hearty family meal. A meal for dinner. A dinner of spaghetti. Spaghetti and meatball.
"I was just about to dig in to my pusghetti when it happened." said little Cindy Newnan, the youngest child of the Newnan family... (more...)
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The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.
Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain... (more...)
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Culinary Index
Barbecue sauce • Brown Sauce • Catsup • Gravy • Green Ketchup • Hummus • Jelly • Kaizer Sauce • Ketchup • Ketchup v. Catsup • Maple syrup • Marmite • Mustard • NBA Jam • Peanut butter • Sauerkraut • Smeg • Soy sauce • Tabasco • The substance left at the bottom of a squeezy bottle • Vegemite
Stimulants |
Banana | Cherry | Cranberry | Dole Apples | Fig | Grape | Kiwi | Lemon | Mango | Orange | Orange Soda | Pineapple | Tomato |
Depressants |
Coconut | Cucumber | Date | Grape Drink | Limón | Olive | Orange Juice | Orange Soda | Pear | Tomato | Valencia Grapes |
Psychedelics |
Apple Juice | Avocado | Durian | Grapefruit | Guava | Peach | Raspberry | Strawberry | Watermelon |
Commonly Mistaken for Fruit |
Agent Orange | Apple | Clementine Attlee | Don Cherry | Fruits Basket | Lychee | No Cucumbers | Orange Sherbet | Orangology | Order of the Communist Pear | Peaches Geldof | Piña Coladatown | "Pineapples of Wrath"? | Pineapple Titties | Sir Humphrey Watermelon | Strawberry Fields | Talking Pear | The Annoying Orange |
![]() Cereal • Cheerios • Coco Pops • Commie O's • Corn Flakes • Cornflakes • Count Chocula • Fiber One • Froot Loops • Kellogg's Frosties • Lucky Charms • Reese's Puffs • Regular K • Oatmeal • Rice • Uncyclopedios • Westbor-O's • Wheaties |
All Things Bacon |
Bacon | Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 | Bacon fat | Bacon Shrub | Bacon's Rebellion | BLT | Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops | Kevin Bacon | Pork Products | Pigs |
All Things Sausage |
Bologna - Borscht - Fish Wangers - Hot dog - Hotdog - Salami - Sausage - Sausage Butty Batter Nugget
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Other Sausage Related Things |
Big Candy |
Haribo • M&M's • Mentos • Peeps • Pop-Tarts • Skittles • Smarties • SweeTarts • Tootsie Rolls • Twinkies • Werthers
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Candy Land
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ABC Gum • Bubble Gum • Candy Corn • Cotton Candy • Gingerbread Men • Gummi bear • Marshmallows • Nougat
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Airplane peanuts • Animal Cracker • Chips • Fries • Funyuns • Popcorn • Potato Chip • Pringles • Ritz Bits • Tater Tots
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Burnt Fries • Fear Mints • Get Your Candy Back • Potato Chip Situation • Strange Candy |
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