Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal

We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

CATEGORIES: Bread and Pasta - Candy - Cannibalism - Cereals - Cheese - Chicken - Chocolate - Cooking - Condiments - Cuisine - Desserts - Drink - Eggs - Fast Food - Featured Articles - Food Images - Fruit - Kitchen Implements - Meat - Mushrooms - Pie - Poop Cuisine - Recipes - Restaurants - Snack Foods - Things You Can Eat - Vegetables - All...

Iron Chef is on later tonight

Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Saturday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.

More About Cooking...

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Highlighted Article

Sex Seafood: Special Director's Commentary Edition

This exclusive version of the film can only be found on the Special Edition DVD. Commenting on the film are it's co-directors, Peter Bogdanovich (BOG) and Unrelated Quotes Guy (UQG).BOG: Well ah, welcome to the audio, comments, section, of the l-l-long awaited release of this.. hurh, film.. Sex Seafood. I wrote it, and I am, of course, legendary director, Peter Bogdanovich... I am joined today. By eh, sigh.. my co-director, and generally confused individual, Mr. Unrelated Quotes. Guy.UQG: Knowing is the easy part; saying it out loud is the hard part.
BOG: Yes, of course... Lets us, eya, begin? Yes, of course.Act I: Meet AlisterAlister stands in the large tank, alone.ALISTER: I've been in this condition for a while... Its hard, life is hard. Hard for a lobster...UQG: Well, you see, there's gold, and then there are pants.

(more...)

Article Credit: THE

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Culinary News

Buddy and his wife Margo after cancelled cookout.

UnNews:Florida Man Has Cookout Ruined by Inclement Weather

BOCA RATON, Florida-- The East coast isn't the only area of America that has seen daily life altered by severe weather this winter. Jack "Buddy" York was the victim of the new year's harsh climate when his annual cookout had to be postponed last Sunday. "This was the fourth annual cookout and this crazy global warming--or global cooling, whatever you want to call it--ruined the whole thing," the 73-year-old said from his condo. York is a native of Augusta, Maine, which along with all of the Northeast, is known for its cold temperatures and major snowfalls this time of year. (more...)

Article Credit: Hum ya

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Highlighted Image

Ben & Jerry's

Introducing a new flavor, designed to help you relax.

Image Credit: RadicalX

Nominate Stuff

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Random Quote

“Chocolate comes from a plant, so it's like salad. ”

– Willy Wonka

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Highlighted Eatery

Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness. (more...)

Article Credit: Xamralco

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Featured Food Product

Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.

Rutabaga

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain... (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek

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Did You Know...

… this cookie is actually savory.

… OMGWTFBBQ has very little to do with barbecue.

… to determine if an egg is hardboiled, spin the egg on the counter. If it splatters all over the floor, it isn't.

… twice baked potatoes are a labor of love.

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Referendum

Types of Cuisine: American cuisine • Cuisine of the United States • Gastrorgasmic Cuisine • Jewish Cuisine • Nouvelle cuisine • Pakeha • Philippine Cuisine • Poop Cuisine • UnBooks:April Fools Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/Guide to the Arab Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Make Poop Cuisine

Types of Food: Baby food • Barbecue • Cafeteria food • Carnivegan • Dog food • Fast food • Health food • HowTo:Be Vegan • KoShare • Kosher • People food • Rock and Roll (food) • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Cook Filipino Food • Vegetarian

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101 • Culinary Institute of America • UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking

Basic Ingredients & Spices

Butter • Cannabutter • Cinnamon • Garlic • High fructose corn syrup • Ingredient X • Lard • Margarine • Olive oil • Parsley • Peppermint • Salt • Silica gel • Splenda • Sugar • Truffle • Vinegar

Cheese & Dairy

Bass milk • Brie bomb • Cheasel • Cheese addiction • Cheese Famine • Cheese Farm • Cheese grater • Cheese trees • Cheesecake • Cheesecake of Doom • Cheeselen • Cheesesteak • Cheesy potatoes • Cheetos • Classic Dick Cheese™ • HowTo:Make a Ham and Cheese Sandwhich • Is the moon made of cheese? • Milk in a Can • Missing milk • Mozzarellization • Spilt Milk • The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • The Laughing Cow • The Life and Times of Kraft Dinner • UnReviews:Milk • UnScripts:The Creature of Planet Cheese • Yogurt

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
American	Blue	Brie
Cheesus	Fromunda	Gooda
Gouda	Holy	Moldy*
Swiss	Soy	Velveeta
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses v · t · e v · t · e
Gourmet	Whiz	Zombie*
*"Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"