Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal

We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

CATEGORIES: Bread and Pasta - Candy - Cannibalism - Cereals - Cheese - Chicken - Chocolate - Cooking - Condiments - Cuisine - Desserts - Drink - Eggs - Fast Food - Featured Articles - Food Images - Fruit - Kitchen Implements - Meat - Mushrooms - Pie - Poop Cuisine - Recipes - Restaurants - Snack Foods - Things You Can Eat - Vegetables - All...

Iron Chef is on later tonight

Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Wednesday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.

More About Cooking...

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Highlighted Article

Sausage Festival

A sausage soiree for Catholicism!

A Sausage Festival is a bi-annual family-oriented weekend fair centered around a single theme: Sausage. It was founded to support Catholic education at the Immaculate Conception Our Lady of Perpetual Girls' School of Orange County. From the traditional Catholic Sausage Dinner to a variety of other attractions, there is something for even the ficklest of meat-pickle eaters at this holy gathering of bishops, elders and monks.

A Very Quick Overview

Unlike sausage parties, sausage fests are about enjoying the diversity and artistic efforts involved in both making and eating sausage. Sounds pretty simple, but consider how ubiquitous sausages are in all in our nations and how little time, history, or discussion there is about sausages in everyday culture. Truly a shame, don't you think? (more...)

Article Credit: Zana Dark

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Culinary News

The daughter in question.

I Don't Mean to be Rude...

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Hi, I'm not trying to seem like a prude here, but I would really appreciate if you stopped everything you have been doing with my daughter. Look, I get it. You are a chef at one of these fun, hip Japanese Steakhouses. It is your job to somehow cook a gourmet meal while also being the night's entertainment. You started off so well, but, ah, what can I say? You're starting to make me a little uncomfortable. No offense.

So, look, I've been to one of these places before. I kind of know most of the tricks they teach you in whatever hibachi grill school that you all must have attended at some time. It is my daughter's first time at one of these places, however, and I don't want her to get the ‎wrong idea. (more...)

Article Credit: The Woodburninator

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Highlighted Image

Ben & Jerry's

Introducing a new flavor, designed to help you relax.

Image Credit: RadicalX

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Random Quote

“Chocolate comes from a plant, so it's like salad. ”

– Willy Wonka

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Highlighted Eatery

Cracker Barrel

God's cookin'

Cracker Barrel is a Southern US-themed family style restaurant that operates in North America, particularly in the United States. The chain has locations in 41 states with each business consisting of a restaurant and a country store that sells cheap junk that only your grandmother would want to buy. The nostalgia of the "stuff" these folks peddle easily offsets the extremely poor and toxic quality of the goods. The food itself is fairly decent considering it is processed southern comfort food. (more...)

Article Credit: Skinfan13

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Featured Food Product

Electricity flavored ice cream. Yum, fluorenscent!

Ice Cream

Ice cream is a Class A Narcotic and a form of explosive. The stuff was developed in 1812 by European Scientist, and Astronaut, Dr. James Scholls. The ancient Chinese hailed ice cream as a magical cure for hemorrhoids. They believed the more ice cream you ate, the better chance you have at conceiving a child. Many ancient rock paintings and sculptures depict nude women sitting on a boulder couch with a stone tub of ice cream crying. Modern medicine has discredited this tradition and informed the general public that it is society's fault for making women fat, disgusting and depressed as they age... (more...)

Article Credit: Simsilikesims

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Did You Know...

… this cookie is actually savory.

… OMGWTFBBQ has very little to do with barbecue.

… in France, cooking is a national sport.

… changing ingredients on the recipe card to make your version is perfectly okay.

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Referendum

Types of Cuisine: American cuisine • Cuisine of the United States • Gastrorgasmic Cuisine • Jewish Cuisine • Nouvelle cuisine • Pakeha • Philippine Cuisine • Poop Cuisine • UnBooks:April Fools Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/Guide to the Arab Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Make Poop Cuisine

Types of Food: Baby food • Barbecue • Cafeteria food • Carnivegan • Dog food • Fast food • Health food • HowTo:Be Vegan • KoShare • Kosher • People food • Rock and Roll (food) • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Cook Filipino Food • Vegetarian

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101 • Culinary Institute of America • UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking

Basic Ingredients & Spices

Butter • Cannabutter • Cinnamon • Garlic • High fructose corn syrup • Ingredient X • Lard • Margarine • Olive oil • Parsley • Peppermint • Salt • Silica gel • Splenda • Sugar • Truffle • Vinegar

Cheese & Dairy

Bass milk • Brie bomb • Cheasel • Cheese addiction • Cheese Famine • Cheese Farm • Cheese grater • Cheese trees • Cheesecake • Cheesecake of Doom • Cheeselen • Cheesesteak • Cheesy potatoes • Cheetos • Classic Dick Cheese™ • HowTo:Make a Ham and Cheese Sandwhich • Is the moon made of cheese? • Milk in a Can • Missing milk • Mozzarellization • Spilt Milk • The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • The Laughing Cow • The Life and Times of Kraft Dinner • UnReviews:Milk • UnScripts:The Creature of Planet Cheese • Yogurt

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
American	Blue	Brie
Cheesus	Fromunda	Gooda
Gouda	Holy	Moldy*
Swiss	Soy	Velveeta
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses v · t · e v · t · e
Gourmet	Whiz	Zombie*
*"Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"