Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal
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We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
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Iron Chef is on later tonight
Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Thursday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.
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Now that you have the required ingredients and the proper gear, let's go!
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are doing fine since our last week rendez-vous, when we cooked the pickle-stuffed turkey with amber paint sauce. Today, we are going to prepare a delicacy that has been passed on for generations in my family since my great-grandmother, a gypsy and always typsy refugee, invented it in 1923. As is the case with all amazing discoveries, this came about as a result of both sheer luck and bad timing. It was later improved by my grandfather Yuri Larionov, who was a leading USSR scientist employed at the Chernobyl nuclear plant when an inauspicious work incident forced him into retirement. He then had ample time to improve the family recipe book with his lone remaining arm and deeply fried brain. Anyway! Enough babbling, let's get on our way, shall we? My mouth is already producing radioactive secretions. (more...)
Article Credit: Mattsnow View All
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Culinary News

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CALIFORNIA, USA -- Italian-American man Amanita Muscaria, like many people of southern European descent, had a life-long passion for wild mushrooms and was a common sight in the hills and forests above the town he'd called home for over 50 years where he foraged for them. He'd become something of an expert over the decades and his family didn't worry when he stopped checking his finds in reference books, believing as he did that the old man knew all there was to know on the subject.

However, they'll be glad they didn't join him for a dinner of his favourite pizza ai funghi last week... (more...)

Article Credit: RabbiTechno View All
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Highlighted Eatery

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Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness. (more...)
Article Credit: Xamralco View All
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Featured Food Product

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"Yum!" - Butter on Bacon
Bacon

First invented by Sir Francis Bacon to combat famine, Bacon lives true to its purpose as the primary weapon in the War on Hunger. In the early 1500s when Sir Francis Bacon, troubled by the lack of fat in people’s diets, decided to solve the problem by creating Bacon himself. He started with a pig and, using a series of chemical processes, he isolated several pounds of the new, awesome element he wanted: Bacon. With an infinite number of protons, neutrons, and electrons, Bacon was the first element in the Awesomnium series to be discovered by man. (more...)

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Did You Know...

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 this cookie is actually savory.
 in France, cooking is a national sport.
 the most effective way to slice onions without crying is to keep your eyes closed while slicing.
 "real" cheese can take anything up to 17 weeks to pass through the digestive tract?
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Referendum

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101  Culinary Institute of America  UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking
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