Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal
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We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
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Iron Chef is on later tonight
Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Wednesday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.
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Your estimate of how long to reheat the lasagna was not a good one. In fact, it was probably the worst estimate I have ever seen. In fact, it was probably the worst estimate in the history of estimating.

I'm not sure you even understand the concept of estimating. When you estimate, you're supposed to make an educated guess based on prior experience. You are not supposed to select a completely random number of any size and run with it.

I guess you've learned your lesson. But let's just take a moment to run through all the clues you had that you are a poor estimator.

The microwave beeped the instant you hit start. In retrospect, I'm sure you would agree that it was not reasonable to believe that your lasagna would be warm within one ten-thousandths of a second.  (more...)

Article Credit: Hyperbole View All
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Culinary News

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The daughter in question.

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Hi, I'm not trying to seem like a prude here, but I would really appreciate if you stopped everything you have been doing with my daughter. Look, I get it. You are a chef at one of these fun, hip Japanese Steakhouses. It is your job to somehow cook a gourmet meal while also being the night's entertainment. You started off so well, but, ah, what can I say? You're starting to make me a little uncomfortable. No offense.

So, look, I've been to one of these places before. I kind of know most of the tricks they teach you in whatever hibachi grill school that you all must have attended at some time. It is my daughter's first time at one of these places, however, and I don't want her to get the ‎wrong idea.  (more...)

Article Credit: The Woodburninator View All
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Aunt Jemima
Dave Mustaine loves pancakes after rocking out with Iron Maiden.
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Random Quote

I just stepped on a box of cornflakes.  
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Highlighted Eatery

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Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness.  (more...)
Article Credit: Xamralco View All
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Featured Food Product

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Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.
Rutabaga

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain...  (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek View All
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Did You Know...

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 this cookie is actually savory.
 William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.
 William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.
 changing ingredients on the recipe card to make your version is perfectly okay.
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Referendum

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101  Culinary Institute of America  UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking
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Chicken Soup for the Eyes
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You Probably Shouldn't Eat This
A.C.I. Monday's ~ Applebee's ~ Arby's ~ Aunt Jemima ~ Benson's ~ Bob Evans ~ Chick-fil-A ~ Dunkin Donuts ~ Hardee's ~ Honey Baked Hams ~ IHOP ~ Jackie Johnson's ~ Jollibee ~ Krispy Kreme ~ Long John Silver's ~ McDonald's ~ Papa John's ~ Pizza Hut ~ PHOP ~ Quiznos ~ Red Lobster ~ Taco Hell ~ Wendy's ~ White Castle