Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal

We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

CATEGORIES: Bread and Pasta - Candy - Cannibalism - Cereals - Cheese - Chicken - Chocolate - Cooking - Condiments - Cuisine - Desserts - Drink - Eggs - Fast Food - Featured Articles - Food Images - Fruit - Kitchen Implements - Meat - Mushrooms - Pie - Poop Cuisine - Recipes - Restaurants - Snack Foods - Things You Can Eat - Vegetables - All...

Iron Chef is on later tonight

Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Wednesday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.

More About Cooking...

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Highlighted Article

Your Estimate of How Long to Reheat the Lasagna

Your estimate of how long to reheat the lasagna was not a good one. In fact, it was probably the worst estimate I have ever seen. In fact, it was probably the worst estimate in the history of estimating.

I'm not sure you even understand the concept of estimating. When you estimate, you're supposed to make an educated guess based on prior experience. You are not supposed to select a completely random number of any size and run with it.

I guess you've learned your lesson. But let's just take a moment to run through all the clues you had that you are a poor estimator.

The microwave beeped the instant you hit start. In retrospect, I'm sure you would agree that it was not reasonable to believe that your lasagna would be warm within one ten-thousandths of a second. (more...)

Article Credit: Hyperbole

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Culinary News

The daughter in question.

I Don't Mean to be Rude...

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Hi, I'm not trying to seem like a prude here, but I would really appreciate if you stopped everything you have been doing with my daughter. Look, I get it. You are a chef at one of these fun, hip Japanese Steakhouses. It is your job to somehow cook a gourmet meal while also being the night's entertainment. You started off so well, but, ah, what can I say? You're starting to make me a little uncomfortable. No offense.

So, look, I've been to one of these places before. I kind of know most of the tricks they teach you in whatever hibachi grill school that you all must have attended at some time. It is my daughter's first time at one of these places, however, and I don't want her to get the ‎wrong idea. (more...)

Article Credit: The Woodburninator

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Highlighted Image

Aunt Jemima

Dave Mustaine loves pancakes after rocking out with Iron Maiden.

Image Credit: Zana Dark

Nominate Stuff

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Random Quote

“I just stepped on a box of cornflakes. ”

– Cereal killer

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Highlighted Eatery

Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness. (more...)

Article Credit: Xamralco

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Featured Food Product

Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.

Rutabaga

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain... (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek

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Did You Know...

… this cookie is actually savory.

… William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.

… changing ingredients on the recipe card to make your version is perfectly okay.

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Referendum

Types of Cuisine: American cuisine • Cuisine of the United States • Gastrorgasmic Cuisine • Jewish Cuisine • Nouvelle cuisine • Pakeha • Philippine Cuisine • Poop Cuisine • UnBooks:April Fools Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/Guide to the Arab Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Make Poop Cuisine

Types of Food: Baby food • Barbecue • Cafeteria food • Carnivegan • Dog food • Fast food • Health food • HowTo:Be Vegan • KoShare • Kosher • People food • Rock and Roll (food) • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Cook Filipino Food • Vegetarian

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101 • Culinary Institute of America • UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking

Basic Ingredients & Spices

Butter • Cannabutter • Cinnamon • Garlic • High fructose corn syrup • Ingredient X • Lard • Margarine • Olive oil • Parsley • Peppermint • Salt • Silica gel • Splenda • Sugar • Truffle • Vinegar

Cheese & Dairy

Bass milk • Brie bomb • Cheasel • Cheese addiction • Cheese Famine • Cheese Farm • Cheese grater • Cheese trees • Cheesecake • Cheesecake of Doom • Cheeselen • Cheesesteak • Cheesy potatoes • Cheetos • Classic Dick Cheese™ • HowTo:Make a Ham and Cheese Sandwhich • Is the moon made of cheese? • Milk in a Can • Missing milk • Mozzarellization • Spilt Milk • The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • The Laughing Cow • The Life and Times of Kraft Dinner • UnReviews:Milk • UnScripts:The Creature of Planet Cheese • Yogurt

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
American	Blue	Brie
Cheesus	Fromunda	Gooda
Gouda	Holy	Moldy*
Swiss	Soy	Velveeta
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses v · t · e v · t · e
Gourmet	Whiz	Zombie*
*"Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"

Egg: Deviled eggs • Egg cups • Egg nog • Green Eggs and Ham • HowTo:Boil an egg • HowTo:Cook a green thing in some red stuff with an egg • HowTo:Fry an egg • Parable of the Poached Egg • UnBooks:Egg

Condiments, Sauces & Spreads

A Jar of Mayonnaise • Apple sauce • Awesomesauce • Barbecue sauce • Brown Sauce • Catsup • Gravy • Green Ketchup • Hummus • Jelly • Kaizer Sauce • Ketchup • Ketchup v. Catsup • Maple syrup • Marmite • Mustard • NBA Jam • Peanut butter • Sauerkraut • Smeg • Soy sauce • Sriracha • Tabasco • The substance left at the bottom of a squeezy bottle • Vegemite

Drinks & Beverages

Blood • Capri Sun • Chunky Water • Cider • Costa Coffee • Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice • Dutch Bros. Coffee • Funky Cold Medina • Grape drink • Hebrew • HowTo:Make it drink • Hyper Text Coffee Pot Control Protocol • Iced coffee • Irn-Bru • Jew juice • Leninade • Mountain Jew • Orange Juice • Oscar Wilde Brand® Artificial Fruit Juice Alternative™ • Slurpee • Special Hebrew • Sunny D • Ţuică • UnBooks:Caffeine Cold Turkey • Urine • Warm piss water • Windex

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Soda~Licious

7-Up ~ Cola ~ Cream Soda ~ Cum in a Can ~ Dr. Pepper ~ Frog Semen ~ Ginger Ale ~ Jolt Cola ~ Mountain Dew ~ Orange Soda ~ Juice Alternative ~ RC Cola ~ Red Bull

COKE: Coca-Cola ~ Coca Cola ~ Coca-Cola 600 ~ Coca-Cola Duck ~ Coke Zero ~ Cokeman ~ Diet Coke ~ Glaceau ~ Real Coca-Cola ~ Turkey Coca Cola

PEPSI: Pepsi ~ Pepsi Challenger Disaster ~ Pepsi-Verse ~ Pepsiman

RELATED ARTICLES: Cola Wars ~ Fecal E.Coli ~ Italian Soda ~ Pop Bomb ~ Pop v. Soda ~ Soda Bread Bombs ~ Soda Jerk ~ Soda Siphon ~ Sojourn to a Soda Machine

SODA NEWS: Coca Cola Outraged ~ Coca-Cola Gets Sued ~ Coca-Cola Recycles ~ Coco Cola Sponsors Painting ~ Fat Kid Drinks Caffeine ~ Throwback Throwback ~ US Allows Coke on Planes

Alcohol: Absinthe • American beer • Beer • Boone's Farm • Champagne • Dom Pérignon • Drinking games • Drunken rambling • Drunkenness • Effects of Alcohol • Fosters • Gay Pubs • Guinness Brewmasters • HowTo:Cook While Drunk • HowTo:Drive Drunk • HowTo:Write articles while extremely drunk • Hyperdrinking • Inebriated • Jesus Christ - Alcoholic • Molotov cocktail • Port • Real Ale • Scrumpy • Shirts off parties • Snakebite • Ted Kennedy • Tequila • UnBooks:Diary of an Alcoholic • UnTunes:Pina Coladatown • Victoria Bitter • Vodka • Whiskey Equivalence • Wino Crossings

Food Related Events

24 Hour Breakfast War • After School Tea Time • Aunt Ginny’s Saturday afternoon lunch at Bob Evans • Axis of Evil Hot Dog Eating Competition • Bobbing for apples • Boston Molasses Disaster • Breakfast • Brunch • Butter v. toast • Celebrity Roast • Communion • Cooking show • Dinner • Dinner Party • Experiment: Would the sky fall on our heads if we ate dinner for breakfast? • Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch • Free lunch • Friday night dinner • Iron Chef • Lunch • Meal • Meal or No Meal • Noodle Incident • Peanut butter jelly time • Puerto Rican Thanksgiving • The Carnivwar • TONIGHT, WE DINE IN HELL • UnBooks:Homies Guide to Thanksgiving • UnBooks:The Hell's Chicken Showdown of 1993 • UnPoetia:Abraham Lincoln's fair-weather waffle frolic

Fruits

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Recreational Fruits

Stimulants

Depressants

Psychedelics

Commonly Mistaken for Fruit

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Banana Republic

Banana ~ Banana bread ~ Banana Jacket ~ Banana peels ~ Banana split ~ Bananadine ~ Five day banana ~ How To Eat a Banana ~ UnTunes:Banana

Banana-Related Stuff:

Banana skin joke ~ Bananism ~ Banana worms threaten Utah farmers ~ Getting pushed into bananas ~ Man has sex because of banana ~ One year on: missing banana "still out there" ~ Orange you glad I didn't say banana ~ Slipping on a Banana Peel ~ That time I got pushed into bananas ~ Unripe Bananas Declared Class A Drug

Grains & Bread Products

Bagel • Biscuit • Bread • Cat Litter • Cornbread • Crouton • Crumpet • Garibaldi biscuit • HowTo:Replace bread with something else • L shaped Toast • Matzo • Melba toast • Mouldy bread • Muffin • Pagan tortillas • Self-toasting bread • Sliced bread • Toast • Toast Wars • Toilet roll • Tortilla • Wild Toast

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KILLER CEREAL

Cereal • Cheerios • Coco Pops • Commie O's • Corn Flakes • Cornflakes • Count Chocula • Fiber One • Froot Loops • Kellogg's Frosties • Lucky Charms • Reese's Puffs • Regular K • Oatmeal • Rice • Uncyclopedios • Westbor-O's • Wheaties

Greens, Vegetables & Nuts

Albino mushrooms • Asparagus • Bean • Brain Peppers • Broccoli • Cabbage • Carrot • Celery • Corn • Corn snake • Fauxtato • Fern potato • Getting swallowed by oversized potatoes fetish • Hider Mushroom • HowTo:Beet off • Humongous Giant Tomato • Infected Mushroom • Magic mushroom • Mordor Jalapeños • Mushroom • Mushroom Kingdom • Negative potato • Onion • Pea • Peanut • Pickle • Pistachio • Potatoe • Red Potato • Rutabaga • Sea Cucumber • Shiitake • The Smashing Pumpkins • Soviet Onion • Turnip • UnBooks:Zucchini • UnScripts:Mr Tumble’s Special Salad • UnScripts:Insight into the Mind of an Asparagus • War on Spinach • What To Do When Gypsies Steal Your Carrots • Where The Wild Onions Grow • Why?:Eat your broccoli • Yam

Meat Market

Beef • Beefcake • Black Forest ham • Boogers • Caviar • Cockroach • Codpiece • Congo rats • Duck • Fake meat • Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within A Fish Within Another Fish • Foie gras • Giant, fanged hams • Ham radio • HowTo:Catch and Prepare a Lobster • HowTo:Cook Crocodiles • HowTo:Pick The Perfect Turkey • Kitten Cookbook • Lutefisk • Mail Order Lobster • Mealworms • Nofu • Regenerating meatloaf • Roadkill • Rocky Mountain Oysters • Smoked salmon • Snot • Soy • Spork (animal) • Squishy squid • Steak • Surströmming • Tofu • Undictionary:Cod loin • UnScripts:Sex Seafood: Special Director's Commentary Edition • UnTunes:I Like Cats (The Other White Meat)

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CHICKEN

Livin Chicken: Al Qaeda Chicken • Chester the Chicken • Chicken • Cock • Hen named Ty • Jonathan Livingston Chicken • KFC • Robot Chicken • The Woodchicken

Tasty Chicken: Buffalo wings • Chicken 2 • Chicken McNuggets • Chick-fil-A • Chicken pie • Chickenbox • Fried Chicken • General Tso's chicken • The Colonel's Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices

Chicken Philosophy: Battle of Chickens • Chicken (language) • Chicken Fucking • Chicken or the egg • Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul • Cluck • Cock and ball torture • Cockfighting • Great Chicken Famine of 8751 • HowTo:Speak Chicken • James Brown's Chicken Soup for the Soul • The Chicken Game • The Hell's Chicken Showdown of 1993 • Why the chicken crossed the road

Chicken News: Black man denies liking fried chicken • Chickens discover eggs are bad for humans • Chickens gone Crazy, Possible Al-Qaeda Link • KFC introduces Chix on Stix • KFC to introduce lower-fat "chickenless" chicken • Scientists reveal chicken came before egg • Spitzer prostitution scandal overshadowed by theft of man's KFC • Tesco in chicken welfare reforms • World War III started over chicken nuggets

	v · t · e v · t · e Bacon Products
	Bacon \| Bacon fat \| Bacon Shrub \| Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops \| Pork Products \| Pigs
	People Named Bacon
	Richard Bacon \| Kevin Bacon
	All things Bacon
	Bacon's Rebellion \| Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 \| BLT