Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal

We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

CATEGORIES: Bread and Pasta - Candy - Cannibalism - Cereals - Cheese - Chicken - Chocolate - Cooking - Condiments - Cuisine - Desserts - Drink - Eggs - Fast Food - Featured Articles - Food Images - Fruit - Kitchen Implements - Meat - Mushrooms - Pie - Poop Cuisine - Recipes - Restaurants - Snack Foods - Things You Can Eat - Vegetables - All...

Iron Chef is on later tonight

Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close.

It's Monday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.

More About Cooking...

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Highlighted Article

Fantastik Flavored Hallucinogenic Ham with Uranium Seasoning

Now that you have the required ingredients and the proper gear, let's go!

Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are doing fine since our last week rendez-vous, when we cooked the pickle-stuffed turkey with amber paint sauce. Today, we are going to prepare a delicacy that has been passed on for generations in my family since my great-grandmother, a gypsy and always typsy refugee, invented it in 1923. As is the case with all amazing discoveries, this came about as a result of both sheer luck and bad timing. It was later improved by my grandfather Yuri Larionov, who was a leading USSR scientist employed at the Chernobyl nuclear plant when an inauspicious work incident forced him into retirement. He then had ample time to improve the family recipe book with his lone remaining arm and deeply fried brain. Anyway! Enough babbling, let's get on our way, shall we? My mouth is already producing radioactive secretions. (more...)

Article Credit: Mattsnow

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Culinary News

Crime scene reconstruction...

Suspect Sought in Meatball Misadventure

SMITHVILLE, Arkansas - Residents of Smithville, a sleepy hamlet with a population of just over one hundred, are shocked and aghast after a simple meal went horribly, terribly wrong. The dinner, consisting of spaghetti, tossed salad, onion rolls and fresh-squeezed apple juice, was interrupted by an act that shocked and aghasted the family gathered around the family dinner table for a hearty family meal. A meal for dinner. A dinner of spaghetti. Spaghetti and meatball.

"I was just about to dig in to my pusghetti when it happened." said little Cindy Newnan, the youngest child of the Newnan family... (more...)

Article Credit: Modusoperandi

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Highlighted Image

Paula Dean

"My butter tastes like cooter, y'all!" - George W. Bush

Image Credit: Acmed2

Nominate Stuff

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Random Quote

“Your mom’s favorite thing to make for dinner is reservations.”

– Alton Brown

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Highlighted Eatery

Chick-fil-A

Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness. (more...)

Article Credit: Xamralco

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Featured Food Product

Rutabaga

Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.

Rutabaga

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain... (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek

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Did You Know...

… this cookie is actually savory.

… Guy Fieri's favorite song is Grill on Fire.

… William Shatner is believed to have once been married to a ladle he found near Marianas Trench.

… OMGWTFBBQ has very little to do with barbecue.

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Referendum

Types of Cuisine: American cuisine • Cuisine of the United States • Gastrorgasmic Cuisine • Jewish Cuisine • Nouvelle cuisine • Pakeha • Philippine Cuisine • Poop Cuisine • UnBooks:April Fools Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/Guide to the Arab Cuisine • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Make Poop Cuisine

Types of Food: Baby food • Barbecue • Cafeteria food • Carnivegan • Dog food • Fast food • Health food • HowTo:Be Vegan • KoShare • Kosher • People food • Rock and Roll (food) • UnBooks:Cookbook/How to Cook Filipino Food • Vegetarian

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101 • Culinary Institute of America • UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking

Basic Ingredients & Spices

Butter • Cannabutter • Cinnamon • Garlic • High fructose corn syrup • Ingredient X • Lard • Margarine • Olive oil • Parsley • Peppermint • Salt • Silica gel • Splenda • Sugar • Truffle • Vinegar

Cheese & Dairy

Bass milk • Brie bomb • Cheasel • Cheese addiction • Cheese Famine • Cheese Farm • Cheese grater • Cheese trees • Cheesecake • Cheesecake of Doom • Cheeselen • Cheesesteak • Cheesy potatoes • Cheetos • Classic Dick Cheese™ • HowTo:Make a Ham and Cheese Sandwhich • Is the moon made of cheese? • Milk in a Can • Missing milk • Mozzarellization • Spilt Milk • The Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • The Laughing Cow • The Life and Times of Kraft Dinner • UnReviews:Milk • UnScripts:The Creature of Planet Cheese • Yogurt

The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
American	Blue	Brie
Cheesus	Fromunda	Gooda
Gouda	Holy	Moldy*
Swiss	Soy	Velveeta
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses v · t · e v · t · e
Gourmet	Whiz	Zombie*
*"Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"