Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal
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We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
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Iron Chef is on later tonight
Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Saturday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.
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This exclusive version of the film can only be found on the Special Edition DVD. Commenting on the film are it's co-directors, Peter Bogdanovich (BOG) and Unrelated Quotes Guy (UQG).
BOG: Well ah, welcome to the audio, comments, section, of the l-l-long awaited release of this.. hurh, film.. Sex Seafood. I wrote it, and I am, of course, legendary director, Peter Bogdanovich... I am joined today. By eh, sigh.. my co-director, and generally confused individual, Mr. Unrelated Quotes. Guy.
UQG: Knowing is the easy part; saying it out loud is the hard part.
BOG: Yes, of course... Lets us, eya, begin? Yes, of course.
Act I: Meet Alister
Alister stands in the large tank, alone.
ALISTER: I've been in this condition for a while... Its hard, life is hard. Hard for a lobster...
UQG: Well, you see, there's gold, and then there are pants.
 (more...)
Article Credit: THE View All
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Culinary News

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Buddy and his wife Margo after cancelled cookout.

BOCA RATON, Florida-- The East coast isn't the only area of America that has seen daily life altered by severe weather this winter. Jack "Buddy" York was the victim of the new year's harsh climate when his annual cookout had to be postponed last Sunday. "This was the fourth annual cookout and this crazy global warming--or global cooling, whatever you want to call it--ruined the whole thing," the 73-year-old said from his condo. York is a native of Augusta, Maine, which along with all of the Northeast, is known for its cold temperatures and major snowfalls this time of year. (more...)

Article Credit: Hum ya View All
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Ben & Jerry's
Introducing a new flavor, designed to help you relax.
Image Credit: RadicalX
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Random Quote

Chocolate comes from a plant, so it's like salad.  
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Highlighted Eatery

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Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées. The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values, who, according to rumors, will read Bible stories to his chickens before slaughter to ensure that not a drop of gay chicken meat leaks into his sandwiches. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness. (more...)
Article Credit: Xamralco View All
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Featured Food Product

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Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.
Rutabaga

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain... (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek View All
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Did You Know...

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… this cookie is actually savory.
… OMGWTFBBQ has very little to do with barbecue.
… to determine if an egg is hardboiled, spin the egg on the counter. If it splatters all over the floor, it isn't.
… twice baked potatoes are a labor of love.
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Referendum

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101  Culinary Institute of America  UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking
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Chicken Soup for the Eyes
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Asparagus ~ Awesomesauce ~ Baby food ~ Bacon ~ Beaver Delight ~ Boogers ~ Breakfast ~ Butter ~ Cafeteria food ~ Cake ~ Caviar ~ Cereal ~ Cheese ~ Chicken ~ Chicken 2.0 ~ Codpiece ~ Corn ~ Cornbread ~ Corn Flakes ~ Dogshit sandwich ~ Endangered Specia ~ Fluff ~ French bikinis ~ Fried Chicken ~ Fudge ~ Glass ~ Hot dog ~ Hot Dogs ~ Ice Cream ~ Knuckle sandwich ~ Sacred Mushrooms ~ Mangos ~ Mocha ~ Pancakes ~ Penis ~ Pizza ~ Pie ~ Pills ~ Pudding ~ Orange sherbet ~ Pease pudding ~ Rice Pudding ~ Regenerating meatloaf ~ Rocky Mountain Oysters ~ Sandwich ~ Sauce ~ Sausage Butty Batter Nugget ~ Sausage Festival ~ Silica gel ~ Soylent Green ~ Spam ~ Sugarless Gummy Bears ~ Sunny D ~ Turd burgers ~ Waffles
You Probably Shouldn't Eat This
A.C.I. Monday's ~ Applebee's ~ Arby's ~ Aunt Jemima ~ Chick-fil-A ~ Dunkin Donuts ~ Hardee's ~ Honey Baked Hams ~ IHOP ~ Jollibee ~ Krispy Kreme ~ Long John Silver's ~ McDonald's ~ Papa John's ~ Pizza Hut ~ PHOP ~ Quiznos ~ Red Lobster ~ Taco Hell ~ Wendy's ~ White Castle