Portal:Culinary

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Culinary Portal
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We make Julia Child look like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
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Iron Chef is on later tonight
Cooking is the act of applying culinary finesse to raw materials in order to create delectable, and hopefully edible nourishment for human consumption. It's not exactly music... but it's close. It's Wednesday, so it must be "Cream of Campbell's Soup over baked meat chunks" night at your house. Your cupboard is full of things in boxes such as macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and pasta sides. Face it, you are a lazy fatass. You eat way too much fast food. You probably need to lose twice the weight you think you do. If you are tired of preparing the meals, then stop eating so much. And think of your family, do you really need to make them fat as well? Maybe it's time to start eating healthier, fresher food. This portal is as fresh as it gets.
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Now that you have the required ingredients and the proper gear, let's go!
Hello, ladies and gentlemen! I hope you are doing fine since our last week rendez-vous, when we cooked the pickle-stuffed turkey with amber paint sauce. Today, we are going to prepare a delicacy that has been passed on for generations in my family since my great-grandmother, a gypsy and always typsy refugee, invented it in 1923. As is the case with all amazing discoveries, this came about as a result of both sheer luck and bad timing. It was later improved by my grandfather Yuri Larionov, who was a leading USSR scientist employed at the Chernobyl nuclear plant when an inauspicious work incident forced him into retirement. He then had ample time to improve the family recipe book with his lone remaining arm and deeply fried brain. Anyway! Enough babbling, let's get on our way, shall we? My mouth is already producing radioactive secretions.  (more...)
Article Credit: Mattsnow View All
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Culinary News

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The daughter in question.

CLEVELAND, OHIO - Hi, I'm not trying to seem like a prude here, but I would really appreciate if you stopped everything you have been doing with my daughter. Look, I get it. You are a chef at one of these fun, hip Japanese Steakhouses. It is your job to somehow cook a gourmet meal while also being the night's entertainment. You started off so well, but, ah, what can I say? You're starting to make me a little uncomfortable. No offense.

So, look, I've been to one of these places before. I kind of know most of the tricks they teach you in whatever hibachi grill school that you all must have attended at some time. It is my daughter's first time at one of these places, however, and I don't want her to get the ‎wrong idea.  (more...)

Article Credit: The Woodburninator View All
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Dr. Kellogg says this cereal tastes better enema style.
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Random Quote

Life is short, eat dessert first. Maybe make that two desserts.  
– Russian proverb
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Highlighted Eatery

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God's cookin'
Cracker Barrel is a Southern US-themed family style restaurant that operates in North America, particularly in the United States. The chain has locations in 41 states with each business consisting of a restaurant and a country store that sells cheap junk that only your grandmother would want to buy. The nostalgia of the "stuff" these folks peddle easily offsets the extremely poor and toxic quality of the goods. The food itself is fairly decent considering it is processed southern comfort food.  (more...)
Article Credit: Skinfan13 View All
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Featured Food Product

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Fuck you, Rutabaga sluts.
Rutabaga

The rutabaga is an alleged vegetable that began life as a cross between a cabbage and a turnip, much like the mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. Unlike Rutabagas, all mules are good for is... hmmm... Well anyway, if you wanted to learn about rutabagas from an expert you came to the right place. If you wanted to learn about the bright side of rutabagas, look out: They suck, and there is no bright side to them.

Much of the history of rutabagas has been lost in a shroud of disinterest. Fortunately, some facts remain...  (more...)

Article Credit: Cajek View All
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Did You Know...

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 this cookie is actually savory.
 the frying pan feels pain during times of intense burning.
 70% of all berries contain napalm?
 life is a competition, especially among chefs.
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Referendum

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Culinary Index

Cooking 101  Culinary Institute of America  UnBooks:HowToBasic's Guide To Cooking
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