Crossbred in ancient times (many believe by Jesus) from a towel rail and a cow, the bacon shrub (porcus chutniensis) is the source of nature’s only vegetarian meat, and has been serving up delicious rashers to generations.
History[edit | edit source]
History is a term that refers to information about the past. When used as the name of a field of bacon shrubs, history refers to the study and interpretation of the record of bacon, cheese, and feet. Knowledge of pork is often said to encompass both knowledge of past fry-ups and piggy recognition skills.
Varieties[edit | edit source]
The are many twisted and sick varieties of the bacon shrub, bred entirely by megalomaniac dictators who wish to control their population, without resorting to using stick.
Traditional[edit | edit source]
The most natural of natural pork products, this is the original and most common and beloved variant.
Smoked[edit | edit source]
With this variant the shrub regularly drops its foliage, which, upon hitting the ground spontaneously combust smoking the delicate rashers with a beautiful aroma.
Sizzling[edit | edit source]
Devised by Hitler this variation cooks and keeps the bacon warm for any passing person, it is most commonly found in Russia where the rashers are eaten straight from the shrub.
Blessed[edit | edit source]
A twist by the Roman Catholic church to stick two fingers up to other religions, the Pope personally blesses vast fields of bacon shrubs. In recent years with the explosion of commercial activities this act has had to be performed from the safety of a high wire over the field.
Cured[edit | edit source]
This variety is guaranteed to be free of leprosy.
Thick Cut[edit | edit source]
The intelligence of the bacon shrub has been genetically reduced in the hope of producing a more succulent rasher. Results are varied.
Super-Amazing-Magical[edit | edit source]
A variety only available in Japan, this variety is said to make you feel "full of super-happy-funness" after consumption. However, most people who are not Japanese claim that it tastes like 8 month old fish. There have also been complaints about it's strange color and the strange noises that it makes.
Natural Habitat[edit | edit source]
Bacon Shrubs have been domesticated for many generations, however their natural habitat was grazing across the great plains of North America, and this led to a mass migration at some point, which explains the lack of shrubs in the United States. Their original habitat has made them most hardy against almost all types of inclement weather, including rain.
Farming[edit | edit source]
Today the bacon shrub is farmed the world over, mainly by money hungry global corporations with little regard for the environment or the well being of the shrub. Some smaller subsistence farmers have cornered the market in providing it with the mud still on it, but this is a dying form.
Reproductive Habits[edit | edit source]
Nookie is the basic reproductive method of the bacon shrub. During ejaculation, which normally accompanies the male shrubs orgasm, a series of contractions in the main stem delivers hot fat containing male gametes towards the female shrub.
The subsequent route of the hot fat can vary depending on the timetabled train services for that day. Millions of litres of hot fat are regularly sent on pointless journeys to Hull as the result of a misprint in the timetable.
Hot fat can survive up to nine days on the female plant, which has led to the nickname of the bukkake plant. When a fertile rasher from the female is present on the branches, the male gamete joins with the rasher resulting in fertilization and the formation of a new embryo, this embryo then drop to the ground and the rasher burrows underground to begin developing into a full shrub.
Discography[edit | edit source]
Primarily influenced by ZZ Top, the bacon shrub as a popular beat combo has recorded between a few and several hit records.
- Bring Bring (March 26, 1973) - best described as a melancholic hip-hop soundtrack for a generation.
- Porkyloo (March 4, 1974) - often considered their most unbreakable album, construction in concrete may have assisted in this.
- ABBACON (April 21, 1975) - this lard-laden super hit of 1988 propelled the combo to new heights, included such classic hits as Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm, bag yourself a porky rasher, My mum likes bukkake and The Times They Are A-Changing.
- Departure (October 11, 1976) - wild psychotropic ride through the imagination of a solitary rasher.
- The Album (December 12, 1977) - is an album.
- Voulez-Porc (April 23, 1979) - early days breaking into the French market were tough, but eventually this album turned the tide and the French stopped eating crayons.
- Supper Trouper (November 3, 1980) - an attempt to move bacon away from being seen as the food of breakfast this album indicates the potential for its late-night status.
- The Porkanistas (November 30, 1981) – their last album, is crap.
Famous Bacon Shrubs[edit | edit source]
|Bacon | Bacon fat | Bacon Shrub | Choco-Butter-Cheez-Bac'n Pops | Pork Products | Pigs|
|People Named Bacon|
|Richard Bacon | Kevin Bacon|
|All things Bacon|
|Bacon's Rebellion | Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 | BLT|