Burger

This man's got the right idea: Whenever you eat a burger as large or larger than your head you always wear a helmet.

“Gimmie [another one]!”

~ DJ Khaled on burgers

The Burger, closely associated with The Heart and The Gut, is a super food that has to be one of the greatest foods known to Man – along with subs (and sandwiches in general), seafood, grilled chicken, butter mochi, miso ramen, and tacos.

It was invented by Ronald McDonald of McDonland, Nebraska, in the year 40BMcD. He created the first Human Meat Burger when his wife had the arrogance to refuse to bear him a son and instead burdened him with a loathsome butch daughter, Betty McButch. He gave the order to his guards and the two were promptly ground up, grilled, and placed between two Japanese sesame seed buns before being thrown to King Andre's doodie dogs, which to this day are the only animals known to be able to stomach and even possibly enjoy human or rat meat burgers.

Upon learning of this, much of the peasantry gathered the audacity to revolt against the king. They were turned into burgers as well and, with the help of Merlin, were brought to life and set loose to destroy mankind. Since then the burger has become the national food of America (it shows)! As burgers lose popularity, Muricans lust after Japanese foodstuffs to magically fix their mental illnesses and massive obesiteez.

Defense

Should a burger attack you by waving its salads at you there are several things you can do. The wisest is to run away screaming, as the burger will then chase you until you die of exhaustion. This will be a damn sight longer than if you just stared at it with your mouth open, you gormless twerp! Other methods of protection include covering yourself in a blanket as this may confuse the burger enough for you to run away without being chased. The other way is to mass debate as it will draw the ceiling cat near to scare the burger away. The almighty ceiling cats can defeat burgers and cheeseburgers. One must be careful when conversing with a Burger because of their rapey tendencies towards sodomizing ostriches, which is bad ... if you're a sodomizing ostrich who enjoys the scent of ground-up mystery meat.

The Hamburgercaust (war of '39 to '45)

Randy Bobandy, patron saint of cheeseburgers and hero of the Battle of the Bulge.

In the 1930s, Adolf Hitler introduced a vile plague onto the world: the hamburger, invented in Hamburg, Germany, which consisted of no condiments and no cheese, just a sad meat patty between two buns. These insidious creatures were soon running rampant all over Europe, ruining everyone's appetites. The noble sausages of eastern Europe were the first to capitulate. However the wurst was yet to come. When they invaded France, defeating the freedom fry fighters, their beloved cheese was outlawed, which brought the condimentnation of many world leaders. Soon V2 flying hamburgers were being fired across the English Channel, endangering the diets of many British citizens, who still carry the trauma of the event on their dinner tables to this day. Tasty food enjoyers were sent into concentration camps to eat foul hamburgers or starve; many chose the latter. The freedom-loving Americans had a secret weapon however: the cheeseburger, invented in Cheeseburg, Pennsylvania. These brave and delicious heroes were soon being sent into every battlefront: Africa, Italy, and the shores of Normandy, led by the great generals George S. Pattyin and Bernard Monterey "Monty" Jack. As the meaty advance chewed its way through the continent, evil hamburger hordes were soon scrambling away from their mighty tastiness. After liberating the great cheeses of France, the allied strength grew considerably. The Battle of the Bulge pitted those with guts against those without, and the Allies crushed the Nazis under their massive guts. By 1945 the combined efforts of American, British and Russian cheeseburgers finally destroyed the evil hamburger factories in Hamburg and across the Reich. Hitler killed himself via cyanide-laced hamburger, and two atomic cheeseburgers were dropped on Japan just to make sure. Freedom rang out across the world.

The Big Mac Attack (war of '63)

A typical Big Mac

The Great Burger War of '63 is when the burgers unleashed their biggest weapon yet: The Big Mac. Whilst initially looking tasty, they were actually bloody dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. There was no defense against these kitten-killing behemoths unleashed by the McDonalds corporation against the world. They still ruled, until the Soviets used Russian Reversal on them, meaning that instead of everyone being pwned by the Big Macs the Big macs were pwned by everybody. Thus an end to the war, but its scars still live today. The company has opened a restaurant chain to try and get hosts for their next dangerous burger invention, but nobody likes it very much. It has been closed down no less than seven times, except in the land of the rising doody, where entire Mickey D's drive-thrus are loaded with customers, while at the healthier, cheaper Sukiya you might see just one car. It's a weekend tradition.

After the war the Big Mac was repurposed as a weapon for Vietnam, where it killed 54 people – most of whom were innocent civilians – at the battle of Hamburger Hill, which (nearly two decades later) inspired a feature film starring Grillin McDermott.

Burgers as drugs

There really is a king of the burger–drug industry who blatantly advertises his product and claims to be generous, but actually he's a lemon in disguise. To correctly use a burger as a drug you must have spent your whole life from the moment of birth dead, otherwise you will die soon. If you meet these criteria all you need is a straw – with which you then poke and distract the burger as you grab and inhale with your other hand – and extra cheese, chipotle mayo, fresh spinach, and ketchup.

Patties

Stupid baby, you can't eat burger you dumb fuck

Burgers are usually made from meat, meat substitutes, or mystery body parts, ground up in industrial pulverizers or wood-chippers, then smashed together to form patties, cooked (if applicable) and eaten. All-beef burgers are still called hamburgers (, though other meats such as venison, bison, chicken, turkey, human, or fish can be used. The name generally changes accordingly, with the word burger preceded by the source. For example, a turkey burger uses ground meat of the Turkish, while a buffalo burger uses ground meat from a resident of Buffalo. A jersey burger has beef and fish, inside a sliced bun injected with Botox and given a spray tan. Veggie burgers (a.k.a. tofu burgers and garden burgers) use a meat substitute such as TVP or seitan (wheat gluten), or an assortment of nuts and soy protein all ground up and mashed into patties – for the vegetarian and vegan consumers who still want something that resembles a food they hate for some reason.

Burgers not made from beef are often marketed as more exotic than hamburgers or as being healthier, but they are typically flavorless and generally tragic.

Condiments

There are usually accompaniments piled onto the meat portion. These might include any combination of various cheeses such as mozza, cheddar, or 80s hair metal (a cheeseburger is not a burger made primarily from cheese, but rather a hamburger with a slice of cheese in it), vegetables (lettuce, cabbage, tomato, potato, a whole onion, pepper, pepperoni, rock salt, deep-fried pickles, black licorice) and sauces (mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, vegemite, butter, bacon grease, maple syrup, fancy molasses, barbecue sauce, orange sherbet, blood, saliva, unpasteurized gopher Milk etc.)

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