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Chick-fil-A

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Chick-fil-A founder Sam Cathy

Chick-fil-A is an American fat food restaurant chain specializing in 100% heterosexual chicken entrées.[1] The company is headquartered in a residential neighborhood on the west side of Topeka, Kansas, next door to the Westboro Baptist Church. It was founded by S. Truett Cathy, a devout Christian and supporter of family values.[2]

Chick-fil-A found something even better than cows to advertise their holy products.

History

Cathy opened the first Chick-fil-A restaurant in Atlanta's Greenbriar Mall in 1967 after the success of his earlier restaurant, the Dwarf House, a bar and grill which served mainly dwarf meat, along with the occasional elf kebab. Influenced by a group of protesting cows who couldn't spell, Cathy realized that the over-consumption of beef was a major issue in America and quickly opened a restaurant that would serve only chicken and rival the "Big Burger Chains" of McDonald's, Burger King, and Wendy's. During one of his daily Bible readings, Cathy supposedly read that "he who lies with a man as he does with a woman dost consume the flesh of the ox in great excess."[3] Though this line is considered highly controversial and is removed from most modern Bibles, Cathy immediately grew a disliking for homosexuals, vowing to donate every last penny he earned from Chick-fil-A to various "free speech groups".

Restaurants

Most Chick-fil-A restaurants are located in the Southern United States and California, with a few Vatican locations. For religious reasons, all Chick-fil-A locations are closed on Sundays, during Christmas, and whenever a local heretic is being burned. Saying grace is also mandatory at all Chick-fil-A locations. Anyone caught eating a chicken sandwich without the required prayer is stripped, flogged, and hastily escorted out of the restaurant.

Food

Unbeknownst to many, Chick-fil-A specializes in chicken. Its most famous chicken meal is its Classic Chicken Sandwich, a fried chicken breast served on heavenly manna. Chick-fil-A prohibits the serving of female chicken breasts to female customers and male chicken breasts to male customers, and it strictly prohibits serving the breasts of transgendered chickens altogether. The restaurant chain offers only Coca-Cola, wine, and holy water as beverages, stating that it does not wish to corrupt the American public with any sinful drinks or the use of artificial sweeteners, especially the one that comes in the gay pink packets.

Dan Cathy interview

On July 2, 2012, Dan "Jesus is my homeboy" Cathy,[4] president and chief operating officer of Chick-fil-A, was interviewed by the Biblical Recorder, a Conservapedia-like weekly newspaper. When asked about his opposition to gay marriage, Cathy replied:


Even conservatives thought this was a bit much, and the Biblical Recorder replaced the quote with the three words, "Guilty as charged."

See also

Footnotes

  1. And nothing screams "heterosexuality" like shoving greasy cock down your throat.
  2. Leviticus is the only known cure for gayness.
  3. Revelation 16:22
  4. son of second child of Sam
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