Lockheed Martin
 | |
| Type | Public (UTC LOCKM) |
|---|---|
| Slogan | War is peace |
| Founder(s) | Paul Lockheed & Janet Martin |
| Headquarters | Bethesda, Maryland, U.S. |
| Industry | Offensive arms industry |
| Products |
|
| Revenue | -$2,000,000,000 (2026 est.) |
| Parent | Martin Marionette |
“My daddy works at Lockheed Martin!”
– your neighbor's kid, on why he’s better than you
“Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!”
– your neighbor's kid, on the baseball bat you just beat him with
The Lockheed Martin Nuclear Attack Force and Creators of All Things Aerial and Destructive Corporation, often shortened to read Lockheed Martin Corporation, sometimes Lunkhead Moron Corporation, or even just Lockheed Martin, is an American offense defense company with the singular goal of designing weapons that can more easily turn a person into a fine red mist for the low cost of $5,000,000 per shot.[1] Lockheed Martin is considered the holy grail of job opportunities for anyone interested in engineering, math, ethics, or just the opportunity to obliterate things. They are most well known for their consumer products including the F‑22 Raper, the Orion‑class spaceships, the C‑130 Hunkules, and most notably "Project Pat" missiles.
A history[edit | edit source]
The 1990s and before[edit | edit source]
Once upon a time, there were two companies: the Lockheed Corporation, (born: 1926), and the Martin Marionette Company, (born: 1961). Both companies, like most rational companies at that time, had big dreams of blowing people things up while making money off of it, but neither knew quite how to realize that dream. Lockheed was known for its inability to get it's things back on the ground, and Martin was known for its inability to get it's things off the ground. Realizing their strengths and weaknesses complimented each other and luckily didn't just cancel each other out, they merged together in 1994 like the Power Rangers merging together to become a Megazord, except in this case it was a "Corporate Merger Megazord," the worst and lamest kind of zord. This unholy union between the two weapon-loving companies produced a psychotic offspring that came to be known to the world as "Lockheed Martin", which was a play on the two parent companies' names. Little Lockheed Martin's first big day on the job was a tragic one, as it proceeded to use American units, (cheeseburgers-per-minute), instead of Imperial units, (crumpets-per-teatime), when talking to a spaceship on Mars. The spacecraft, in an attempt to understand what the hell Lockheed Martin was talking about, miscalculated the distance from the Martian atmosphere by approximately 5 cheeseburgers, (2 crumpets), and was promptly turned into space waste. Thankfully nobody was harmed, and the only damages were to the American taxpayers' wallets and Lockheed Martin's ego.
“Oops!”
– Lockheed Martin on the $327.6 million loss to taxpayers
Lockheed then went on to be a good little company afterwards, only doing somewhat less naughty things such as painting penises on the tails of its F-22 Rapers it manufactured, as little "jokes" for the US Air Force, to be discovered when the jets were deployed in Iraq, much to the delight of the pilots and the disappointment of anyone else over the age of 12. Nothing is more exciting than watching your Middle Eastern residential building get flattened by a fighter plane with a childish scribble spraypainted on it.
The 2000s[edit | edit source]
The 2000s started off with Lockheed Martin winning the contract to build the F-35 Lightning 2: Electric Boogaloo, the spiritual successor to their previous F-22 Raper. They had won the contract after fellow competitor Boeing mysteriously failed to appear for the contract event. Boeing later claimed that a masked man had infiltrated their HQ and tampered with the alarm clocks, causing everyone to sleep in and miss the contract event.
The F-35 Lightning 2 was a commercial success, and was sold to nearly ever single country on the planet, and at least 3 different insurgent organizations. It was cheap,[2] fast, looked good, and was highly reliable.[3]
The good times for Lockheed only lasted so long, however, and in 2003, a worker went off the rails declaring that he "hated them black people" before attempting to cure them of their lead deficiency with his advanced "cure deployer". The company then proceeded to investigate itself, and as always, found no evidence of wrongdoing and cleared itself of the matter. Their final report noted that all employees followed regulations and broke no policies.
“Oops!”
– Lockheed Martin on an employee's attempt to cure lead deficiency in black people
In 2006 they got back on track, winning another contract. This time, they would be building a spaceship capable of carrying 6 astronauts to the International Space Station. Due to a small budget cut of $6 billion or so and a miscalculation on the average weight of an American, they were forced to remove two seats, leaving two of the six astronauts to be crammed into the trunk while it traveled[4].
“Oops!”
– Lockheed Martin on the two astronauts having to be crammed in the trunk
. The astronauts were banned from eating carbs and everyone got really good at playing space-shuttle-trunk-tetris.
The mid-2000s[edit | edit source]
In 2014 Lockheed again struck gold by winning a contract from President Obama to build a big fence in space. The theory behind the fence was to "keep the aliens out" of the world. Unfortunately, the fence was a failure, as it was full of holes, and they forgot the combination code to the gate. The fence was later repurposed into a system to detect space rocks and other items thrown at us from pesky alien children and other interstellar pranksters. President Donald Trump in 2016 realized the cost of keeping the aliens off the planet was simply too high, and an impractical effort, so attempted to keep them out of America by building a comparatively smaller fence on the Mexican border. Neither fence seem to have worked in any capacity, as both suffer from similar issues including loss of gate combination codes.
“Oops!”
– Lockheed Martin on forgetting the combination code to the space gate
In 2015, Lockheed struck a deal with Satan himself to acquire the helicopter company Sikorsky from the Chinese. Unfortunately the acquisition was a huge mistake, as the Chinese ensured that every aircraft sold was thoroughly rusted out, full of malware, and made with the cheapest possible aluminum and galvanized steel straight from a Temu factory. Satan still expected every board member of Lockheed Martin to hand over all of their children's souls as agreed.
The early 2020s[edit | edit source]
The 2020s started off promising for the eager little weapons company, as one of their viral weapon prototypes was proving quite effective in the field. Accusations that it "got out of hand" flew, but Lockheed was able to place the blame on some guy who had eaten a bat.
“We always eat bat! Bat good. But bat no cause virus when we eat! Bat only cause virus if bat fuck, no fuck bat this time!”
– Chinese Ambassador to the US[6]
Lockheed had been in the spotlight for all of five days when the Pentagon discovered[7] nearly 80,000 software bugs in the new F‑35s, e.g. ejecting the pilot automatically.
“Oops!”
– Lockheed Martin on the Obama GIFs infecting the screens in their jets
By 2022 the cat fight between Vlodymyr Putin and Vladimir Zelensky had gotten wildly out of hand, but Lockheed was swimming in money from all the arms deals they were signing off on between the two countries.[8] The entire war was noted on one whiteboard in their headquarters as little more than "an effective weapons demonstration on a live battlefield".[9]
Not to be outdone by the chaos in Ukraine, Israel and Palestine re-started their 500-year-old squabble over a stretch of deserted land full of rocks and dead animals. Lockheed joyously began supplying weapons as per usual but, due to a line in the Quran, the Palestinians were unable to buy any weapons.[10]As a result, white women in the US and in the UK immediately began a boycott, claiming that Lockheed "supported genocide".
2025[edit | edit source]
In early 2025, auditors noticed that nearly $2 billion had just vanished from Lockheed Martin. When questioned about it, they declared that it was both "magical" and "game-changing". Furious investors grabbed their pitchforks and calculators, formed a mob, and stormed the Lockheed building. Inside, they discovered that all $2 billion had gone to five people who claimed that they were wizards, and were going to use their "magic power" to make things fly. The only thing they had made fly until that point was a paper airplane, much to the delight of the Lockheed Martin execs who didn't understand how planes worked, let alone paper ones. Everyone in the office including the wizards, the execs, and the janitors, were captured by the enraged investors and marched to the Potomac River, where they were put into cement shoes, slapped in their faces, and then pushed into the river.
“Oops!”
– Lockheed Martin on the "magical" $2 billion lost
2026[edit | edit source]
Luckily for the higher-ups at Lockheed, they had previously invested in Walt Disney's cryogenic technology, allowing their frozen corpses to be removed from the Potomac and brought back to life, with no serious side effects except a distinct lack of empathy for their fellow man. No ... wait. They never had that to begin with.
Profit[edit | edit source]
Lockheed Martin had accumulated over $500 trillion during its existence so far, but currently sits at a negative $2 billion thanks to a serious fuck up involving wizards and possibly some schedule. I drugs[11] With an annual revenue fluctuating between $1 and $1,000,000,000, they are one of the most profitable companies on the planet, and not just because they keep "taking out" their competitors. They are ranked No. 60 on the Fortune 500 list, which is a lingering painful point for them, as they had once held the No. 59 spot but lost that spot to Microsoft in 2018.
“Fuck!”
– Lockheed Martin
| Year | Revenue
in US$ |
Total Assets
in mil. US$ |
Price per Share
in US$ |
Employees |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2005 | 5.99 | 27,744 | 0 | 2 |
| 2006 | 39 | 28,231 | 0 | 3 |
| 2007 | 688 | 28,926 | 0 | 4 |
| 2008 | 4100 | 33,439 | 0 | 5 |
| 2009 | 66 | 35,111 | 0 | 2 |
| 2010 | 45,000 | 35,113 | 1.00 | 5 |
| 2011 | 2,918,234,000 | 37,908 | 1.01 | 1 |
| 2012 | 7 | 38,657 | 1.02 | 1,000 |
| 2013 | 0.04 | 36,188 | 50 | 115,000 |
| 2014 | 2,222,222,222 | 37,046 | 15 | 2 |
| 2015 | 1,000,223 | 49,304 | 4 | 69 |
| 2016 | 47,245,666 | 47,806 | 2 | 5 |
| 2017 | 310,123,451 | 46,521 | 6 | 2 |
| 2018 | 53,762,000 | 44,876 | 125 | 40 |
| 2019 | 4.3 | 47,528 | 263 | 121,522 |
| 2020 | 650,233,255 | 50,710 | 124 | 9 |
| 2021 | 67,044,235 | 50,873 | 6,346 | 114 |
| 2022 | 65,984,222 | 52,880 | 244 | 115 |
| 2023 | 67,571 | 52,456 | 455 | 122,000 |
| 2024 | 2,245 | 55,617 | 480 | 121,000 |
| 2025 | -2,000,000,000 | 66,666 | 555 | 169,111 |
Criticism[edit | edit source]
Apparently some people think that selling weapons is bad! This foolish belief and resulting behavior is often remedied by a job offer from Lockheed Martin, which has the ability to erase any shred of ethics from the mind of even the most angry blue-haired protesting social justice warrior. Lockheed has also been caught innumerable times with its hand in the proverbial government cookie jar, and at least seven times with its hand down its own pants as well.[12].
Lockheed saw huge profits during the Ukraine and Gaza wars, earning it hate from all the people who were dumb enough not to buy into weapons stocks after being warned for years that a war was coming.
“Oops!”
– You on forgetting to buy Lockheed stock shares
“Booz Allen? Oh, you mean BOOZE ahahaha!”
– Lockheed Martin execs on the 'competition'
See also[edit | edit source]
- Military Industrial Complex
- F-22 Raptor
- F-35
- Raytheon
- BAE Systems
- Palantir
- NASA
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ taxpayer-funded, naturally
- ↑ okay, relatively
- ↑ at least when it was in its hangar with the engine off
- ↑ a further two seats were removed in 2016 due to the increased average weight by ~100 lbs
- ↑ "yet" ~President Trump
- ↑ The Chinese immediately
issuedobfuscated sanctions, claiming Lockheed had sold explosive yo-yos toTaiwanthem. - ↑ thank God
- ↑ Two recorded deaths from drowning in said pool of cash. Lifeguards were hired subsequently.
- ↑ Perfect for potential investors!
- ↑ "Thou shalt not buy any sort of missile nor object from such companies that be named such things as Lockheed Martin, [nor from] Raytheon [nor from] BAE systems ..." (Line 2435237, Chapter 324351, The Book of Booger)
- ↑ A wizard did, in fact, do it.
- ↑ "Let's be reasonable – it was only twice." ~Lockheed Martin PR Team
