The Independent

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Front page of The Independent on 12th September 2001.

The Independent is a British satirical e-zine and panel show. Launched in 1986, it has since established itself as a wide-ranging parody of British left-wing politics and activists, although the paper itself has consistently denied this and claims to be "deadly serious". Its current editor is Bob Crow. He is an actual crow.

Launch[edit | edit source]

On an early summer morning in February 1986, locally renowned vagrant and Skiffle artist Janet "The Streets" Porter was resting after a long night of banging on garbage cans to the tune of All Along The Watchtower, when, as she recounts, "nature called". Lacking toilet paper, she was forced to use her trademark begging sign as a substitute. The sign, which originally read "The Independent Artist relies on the kind contributions of her public", now drenched in faeces, simply read "The Independent". Two drunk-off-their-arse students who were passing by took inspiration from the new sign, and by the end of the week, the newspaper equivalent of Channel 5 was born.

Oh Dear[edit | edit source]

Almost immediately, the newspaper went into administration as they struggled to establish a regular readership outside of their sniggering circle of irritating, middle class, Philosophy-undergraduate twats. However, at the time Andrew Neil was revamping The Sunday Times to combat falling sales. His philosophy of "more segments than a Terry's Chocolate Orange" was soon replicated by the rest of the British broadsheet press, including The Independent. This strategy would sustain the broadsheet market for the next 25 years.

Politics and readership[edit | edit source]

The paper has a steady circulation of around 20. Editorially, it is noted for its damning criticisms of US and British foreign policy since 9/11. The headline "So Where Are The WMDs, Mr. Bush?"[1] has been used so many times since 2003, there has been some confusion, with some retailers mistakenly believing that it is actually a part of the paper's name.

Dedicating The Front Page To Things No-one Really Cares About[edit | edit source]

Over the years the paper has worked hard to subvert the elitist culture of "newspaper headlines people actually care about" that exists among British broadsheets by dedicating a bizarre number of front pages to issues no-one really cares about, including, but not limited to:

  • The plight of the bumblebee
  • Why The Liberal Democrats should have won the last election
  • Endangered British Insects
  • Radioactive Sheep
  • Why The Liberal Democrats should have won the last election
  • The shocking state of Tony Blair's toenails
  • Why the Liberal Democrats should have won the last United States Presidential election
  • The Body Shop
  • Why the Liberal Democrats are proud to have geriatric leaders.

Common Headlines[edit | edit source]

  • Save The #insert animal species.
  • *Insert issue* - The Debate!
  • Philosophy Undergraduates: Underpaid
  • Constitutional Reform May Happen Soon... Hopefully... Maybe...

Columnists[edit | edit source]

George Galloway
Will Self
Michael Brown
Tracey Emin
Jason Potato
Annabelle Croft
Tariq Aziz
Robin Cook

Segments[edit | edit source]

"Electric Avenue" (Motoring supplement dedicated to "green" cars)
"Twigs and Water" (property)
"See Here" (sign language edition for deaf readers)
"Evil Empire" (section dedicated to American affairs)

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. Confusingly, this was even once used to headline a story about the return of Foot and Mouth disease