Palantir

"I promise I'm sane" ~Peter Thiel, 2025

Palantir, full name Palantir Technologies, short name Evil Inc., is an American software company founded in 2003 primarily on the principle of "your data = our money." The company was founded and ran by Marvel-villain-wannabe Peter Thiel (AKA Peter Thief), who is most known for his weekly staff emails detailing his plans for world domination via the internet and your personal emails. There are four branches of Palantir that each do separate things: Gotham handles defense intelligence, Apollo handles things like DoorDash and GrubHub orders for the staff, Foundry straight up fucks software devs in the ass, and AIP stands for "Assisted Idiot Propagator" and functions as a machine that helps disseminate misinformation to the masses.

History

A long time Tolkien fanatic, a young man named Peter Thiel woke up one day with an idea: what if he were to make a company that could turn everyone into a bunch of data which he could then use for malicious monetary gains? That was when Palantir was born. Named after, of course, one of Saruman's balls in the famed LotR trilogy, the company claimed its secret technique was in fact just using the Hegalian Dialectic which states that the answer of any argument can be found via reasoning. Brilliant, wow. Some believe that Palantir originally came from the company that developed the fraud detection system for PayPal, but no one knows for sure.

In 2010, they tricked the already corpse-like VP Joe Biden into adopting their software into Medicaid and Medicare. This ensured that Palantir was now tied to two things that would never cease to exist as long as dirtbags and scammers continued to dupe these systems meant to help those in need. Soon after, practically every single government branch, offshoot, root, and twig had their hands in the proverbial cookie jar, each forking over millions to Palantir in exchange for some lines of code. In 2013 they had amassed just under 200 million in funding, and then that number jumped to almost 500 million after they conveniently found 300 million just floating around in the ocean. In 2014 they jumped up to 900 million after Peter was struck by a Google campus bus and he sued them. During the pandemic of '20, Palantir took the center stage by developing a program uploaded into killer vaxbots that went around injecting the masses with the COVID-19 vaccine. From 2024 to 2025, they got several billion in various government contracts again, the biggest of them was to build a submarine capable of using Disney+ without paying, saving the average subscriber thousands over their lifetime.

Valuation

6 Flavor Blasted Goldfish and a handful of nickels. Also a questionable $417 billion or so...

Products

Gotham

Aside from totally ripping off the name of Batman's hometown, Gotham is Palantir's defense and unintelligent software founded in 2008. Among other things, the software supports alerts, geospatial anal probing, and crime prediction. Most blatantly used in Ukraine to find dissidents behind their own lines and then ship them to the front. Gotham has elicited some controversy over racism in their AI analytics, but statistics are statistics and they simply don't lie.

Foundry

Foundry is a weird attempt at making some sort of pipeline service for software. It allows you to sort things, set up an AI agent, and then have it say stuff about the stuff you sorted with it. For some reason, the British LOVE Foundry and use it in practically everything in their country, which explains so much.

AIP

AIP takes an AI like ChatGPT and shoves it into everything even closely related to software. It has even been used on the battlefield, but has since been canned after sending several battalions against each other because, quote: "I wasn't sure what would happen."

TITAN

TITAN, or Titty In The Ass Nipple, is supposedly some sort of AI powered truck that can control missile strikes from a distance. Not sure why it has to be a truck, but hey.

Skykit

Palantir's failed attempt at creating Skynet resulted in a sort of system that is now used to navigate difficult terrain. This includes the ocean, mountains, and your moms hair.

Customers

• US Military
• Ukraine
• Your mom
• Evil people
• Crazy people
• Doofenshmirtz
• Ultron
• Adolf Hitler
• UK NHS

See Also

• Places You Want To Work At
• Places You Don't Want To Work At
• Crazy CEOs
• Surveillance