Palantir
 | |
| Type | Private |
|---|---|
| Slogan | "All your data is fucking ours" |
| Founder(s) | Peter Thief |
| Headquarters | Hell, USA |
| Industry | Private data collection |
| Products |
|
| Revenue | 1,000,000,000 shekels |
| Employees | At least 666 |
“I promise, I’m sane.”
– Peter Thiel, 2025
Palantir (full name Palantir Technologies, short name Evil Inc.) is an American software company founded in 2003 primarily on the principle of "your data = our money". It is still run by Marvel-villain-wannabe Peter Thiel (a.k.a. Peter Thief), who is best known for his weekly staff emails detailing his plans for world domination via the internet and your own personal data. There are four branches of Palantir that each do (or don't do) separate things: Gotham handles defense intelligence, Apollo handles things like DoorDash and GrubHub orders for the staff, Foundry straight up fucks software developers in their collective ass, and the Assisted Idiot Propagator (AIP) disseminates misinformation to the already misinformed masses.
History
A long-time Tolkien fanatic, young Peter Thiel woke up one day with an idea: What if he were to make a company that could turn everyone into a bunch of data that he could then use for malicious monetary gains? That was when Palantir was born. Named after, of course, one of Saruman's balls in the famed LotR trilogy, the company claimed its secret technique was in fact just using the Hegalian Dialectic which states that the answer of any argument can be found via reasoning. Brilliant, wow. Some believe that Palantir originally came from the company that developed the fraud detection system for PayPal, but no one knows for sure.
In 2010 they tricked the already corpse-like VP Joe Biden into adopting their software into Medicaid and Medicare. This ensured that Palantir was now tied to two things that would never cease to exist as long as dirtbags and scammers continued to dupe these systems meant to help those in need. Soon after, practically every single government branch, offshoot, root, and twig had their hands in the proverbial cookie jar, each forking over millions to Palantir in exchange for some lines of code. In 2013 they had amassed just under $200 million in funding, which jumped to almost $500 million after they conveniently found $300 million just floating around in the ocean. In 2014 they jumped up to $900 million after Peter was struck by a Google campus bus and he sued them. During COVID, Palantir took center stage by developing a program uploaded into killer vax-bots that went around injecting the masses. From 2024 to 2025 they got several billion in various government contracts again, the biggest of which was to build a submarine capable of using Disney+ without paying, saving the average subscriber thousands over their lifetime.
Valuation
Six flavor-blasted™ Goldfish® and a handful of nickels, not to mention a questionable $417 billion or so.
Products
Gotham
Aside from totally ripping off the name of Batman's hometown, Gotham is Palantir's defense and unintelligent software founded in 2008. Among other things, the software supports alerts, geospatial anal probing, and crime prediction. Most blatantly used in Ukraine to find dissidents behind their own lines and then ship them to the front. Gotham has elicited some controversy over racism in their AI analytics, but statistics are statistics and they simply don't lie.
Foundry
Foundry is a weird attempt at making some sort of pipeline service for software. It allows you to sort things, set up an AI agent, and then have it say stuff about the stuff you sorted with it. For some reason, the British LOVE Foundry and use it in practically everything in their country, which explains so much. When opening the software, you are greeted with a user interface straight out of the 90s, which is odd considering the supposed high tech behind its grey and brown color scheme. Using it is equally dismal, requiring weeks of learning to understand, by which they will have released an "update" that also completely changes how every single part of it works.
AIP
AIP takes an AI like ChatGPT and shoves it into everything even closely related to software. It has even been used on the battlefield, but has since been canned after sending several battalions against each other because (quote) "I wasn't sure what would happen."
TITAN
TITAN, or "Titty In The Ass Nipple" as it is known by the buyers, is some sort of AI powered F-150 truck that can control missile strikes from a distance. Not sure why it has to be a truck infotainment system controlling that as supposed to the traditional laptop setup, but whatever.
Skykit
Palantir's failed attempt at creating Skynet resulted in a sort of system that is now used to navigate difficult terrain. This includes the ocean, mountains, and your mom's hair. Skykit is run off of a toaster in one of the breakrooms, which accounts for it constantly going down for unscheduled maintenance (meaning: someone unplugged said toaster).
Controversy and responses
Palantir currently suffers from frequent attacks due to accidentally making it known that they got into users' private data. Protesters show up outsider various offices where they cover themselves in blood before doing a poor attempt at the Haka. Palantir's response has been to vehemently deny any collecting or viewing of private data, stating that if they had wanted to see that nude image of Obama stuffing macaroni up his ass, they could have, but didn't. Their response to the protesting outside their front doors was to simple throw pencils at the protesters until they got bored and went away. Earlier defense tactics involved AI defense robots, or terminators, but this turned out to be a disaster as the robots just started shooting everyone and being huge public nuisances.
Customers
- US Military
- Ukraine
- Dr. Heinz "Doof" Doofenshmirtz
- Ultron
- Adolf Hitler
- UK NHS
- Evil people
- Crazy people
