Temu
Temu, or "Trash, Eat, Maccas, and U", is a global e-retailer of garbage and chemical-laced McDonald's Happy Meal quality items based in China. Founded back in God-knows-when by a group of executives who were fired from Shein, they went on to become some of the richest people in China, and brought Temu from the low tier slop store it was to an even bigger low tier slop store. Temu is most well known for its mind numbing television ads, its 1-12 month shipping times, its extremely poor quality, its knocking off of everything in existence, and the not-so-fun-fact that literal slave labor is still used in its manufacturing processes.
Business Model[edit | edit source]
"How can we make the cheapest of shit, yet still turn a profit?"
This was the question the CEO asked his main cronies. The answer was of course to make them even cheaper, and to constantly dump "coupons" that somehow brought things into the sub $1 category. Another key part of the business model is knocking off actual brands. Apple, Samsung, Gucci, Prada, Nike, and other major brands are the main targets of this business practice, leading to near-constant lawsuits. Temu, in order to save money on lawyer fees, simply ignores them. Temu frequently does battle with its main rival Shein, by submitting and retracting lawsuits every Thursday.
What Can You Get From Temu?[edit | edit source]
- Electric neon underwear — $0.50
- Rolex, totally real — $2.50
- Phone Pro Max 21 — $15.60
- Someone's ashes — $2.95
- Gamerstation 5 — $1
- YBox series X — $19.99
- Clothing made from pure polyester — $3
- Smasnug Pled 66" TV — $12.63
- LOTS and lots of gold painted bling — $0.70
- Worst quality plastic imaginable — $3.10
- Sex toys (sigh) — $1.50
- Malware — free!
What Can Temu Get From You?[edit | edit source]
- Credit card information
- Address
- Credit score
- Social Credit score
- IP address
- Pain and suffering
- The love and attention of your grandparents
- Biometric identifiers (fingerprint, face)
- Your real time GPS coordinates
- Access to your microphone and camera at all times
- Deed to your house
- Blood type
- Firstborn
Customer Service[edit | edit source]
The website chatbot is currently down. It has been down for approximately 9 months, so hopefuls are beginning to get excited for it to give birth to its child any day now. As to the human side, all the customer service representatives have suspiciously professional hot female profile pictures, and frequently send heart eyes and rose emojis. Many a customer fell for these, but it was revealed in 2022 that not a single woman worked in any customer service position, and these were all 40-50 something year olds masquerading as women. Don't ever expect a refund, the best you can expect is a coupon for a cheap plastic NERF gun knockoff that will explode in your face after 5 uses.
Advertising[edit | edit source]
Temu is easily able to afford high quality ads in the largest of arenas, mostly due to the millions of elderly people doomscrolling through Temu day in, day out, spending their life savings on pieces of plastic that promise to prevent hair loss. Their adverts are regularly seen at the Super Bowl, on your TV, and everywhere on the internet regardless of your ad blocker. Their ads are most recognized for the infuriating "TU-TU-TU-TEMUUUU" jingle, which has been responsible for the deaths of at least 7 people since 2020.
