Lu Bu

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Lu Bu (died February 199 AD) (the incorrect spelling of Lü Bu, however no one cares) was a dominant warlord during the prelude to the Three Kingdoms era of Cheenese history. He was known for his extreme might and powerful sex, but the video game company TecmoKoei exaggerates this aspect and transforms this beast into a "god-like" warrior in which newcomers to Dynasty Warriors mistake for just another opponent. On the normal basis, the only thing that comes of this confusion is a "K.O." and a Game over. But that's not the point!

Lu Bu. Shown here laughing at his pawnage of another warrior. I'm so proud.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Lu Bu.

Lu Bu was born in an unknown year. However, his death was tremendous, and Cao Cao made it known as 199 CE. (The death date of Lu Bu) However, in Dynasty Warriors 4, Lu Bu lives beyond his death date and commits mass pawnage in the famous throwdown hang 'em high clash off Battle of Guandu between the Cao and the noblemen from the Yuan clan. Lead by the fancy and flashy Yuan Shao.

On the other hand, it is no lie that Lu Bu was a mighty warrior and almost unmatched for one-on-one duels and Rock, Paper, Scissors, he is also quite notorious for committing acts of betrayal and murdering his two different fathers. (I know what you are thinking, no, he was adopted) Techniquelly, there was three fathers, but we are talking about his first and second adoptive fathers. They were both warlords, the first being Ding Yuan (AKA Daddy Ding) and the second was Dong Zhuo (Daddy Dong). Together, Ding, Dong, they were both murdered by Lu Bu. He is most known for his secret relationship with his lover maiden, Diaochan. But in all reality, China just fed up a lie and to the truth's extent; a fictional woman. In all known evidence so far, she was a maiden that Daddy Dong Zhuo was having affairs with. Daddy Dong didn't quite enjoy when Lu Bu was also gettin' it in behind his back.

Daddy Ding and the young lad Lu[edit]

Lu Bu's real father is unknown. All we know about his birth mother's partner was that his surname was Lu.

But before we know it, Lu Bu is a warrior and adopted son under the care of Ding "Daddy Ding" Yuan, a warlord under the Han during the decline of the Han. Lu Bu, who was probably now a teenager, was often sent out in the front lines of Daddy Ding's forces. Originally, Ding Yuan didn't expect such maelstrom ferocity from his adopted lad. But it was less than a day before Lu Bu, alone, killed everyone of the enemy's soldiers.

Lu Bu returned with a body covered in blood. With this victory, Lu Bu received gold riches and naked females for activities that he also dominated in; a classic a game of Chinese Go.

It wouldn't be long before the tyrant Dong Zhuo came to wage war against Ding Yuan, who was growing his warlord territory with the only reason being because of his son.

Since Dong Zhuo had an advisor that was said to be able to fool the smartest gods, by the name of Li Su, he sent Li Su to meet with Lu Bu. When Li Su met up with Lu Bu, he confirmed that the Dong had cash, jewelry, and even a red-haired steed named Red Hare. With these temptations, Lu Bu violently cut his adoptive father, Ding Yuan's throat with his beloved halberd, Sky Piercer. (Which has been to known to accomplish piercing the sky on multiple occasions)

Daddy Dong and the fearsome Lu[edit]

Now, Dong "Daddy Dong" Zhuo was the adoptive father of the ferocious Lu Bu. However, this is where Lu Bu became infamous.

During the Battle of Hulao Pass, in 191 CE, Lu Bu was already raging with rumors of his might. Scaring some of the Anti-Dong Zhuo battle squad's soldiers, many committed suicide upon first glance of this legendary war demon.

However, after Lu Bu killed nearly twenty pussies of the opposing officers and almost slaughtering Gongsun Zazz, the three brethren of Guan Yu, Liu Bei and Zhang Fei rose the spirits and fought bravely in a match that managed the gods themselves to wage bets on. In the end, Lu Bu lost and fled with shame. Knowing his own self-screwedness, Dong Zhuo burned the capital of Luoyang and ran to Chang'an to reallocate the Han's capital somewhere where he didn't lose a shameful defeat.

Diaochan with a secret plan[edit]

In fictitious histories, a story is made up on the maid who split Dong Zhuo and Lu Bu apart, eventually causing Lu Bu to assassinate this arrogant fuck.

In those stories, a tight and damn fine woman named Diaochan was forced into bondage a relationship with Dong Zhuo when the Dong set eyes on her. This incident where his eyes ended up on her occurred during a meeting with the Dong and his associate Wang Yun. When the capital of Luoyang was set on fire, Wang Yun was also set ablaze so sex could occur between the two.

However, a forbidden passion and secret relationship was in existence. Lu Bu also fell in love with this woman, Diaochan, and began to secretly see her and knock her up on several occasions. When the Dong found out, his first instinct for child punishment was to chuck a spear at his son, Lu Bu. Lu Bu dodged this (obviously) and quickly plotted his assassination, of course, after his date with Diaochan which was scheduled over-the-top squeeze-aroo. (With his genitals)

However, during this intercourse-specific date, Diaochan revealed that her father Wang Yun had set up a plan to have her get between the two's son-father relationship. She also said that they planned to have Dong Zhuo dead by him anyways. So after they were done, without even getting dressed, Lu Bu took off towards his father and claimed "I fucked her and now you die, scum!"

Battle of Xiapi and the dead Lu[edit]

Roaming the land an infamous traitor, nobody trusted Lu Bu.

During the Battle of Xiapi, this beast was somehow captured and lost his fate to Cao Cao. When Lu Bu suggested working together and taking over the world, he was disowned by Liu Bei, who suggested that Lu Bu would only kill him off like his previous masters, Daddy Ding and Dong. When Lu Bu started barking threats to Liu Bei, Cao Cao ordered death by slow slicing. This beast was no more.

Evaluation[edit]

“During this Battle at Hulao Pass, I shall stand to the right of all enemies.”

~ Soldier on where he shall stand at the Battle of Hulao Pass

“It's, it's... ARGGAAAA!”

~ Soldier from the above quote being slain by Lu Bu during the battle in Dynasty Warriors 4.

“During this Battle at Xiapi, I shall stand to the right of all enemies.”

~ Soldier on where he shall stand at the Battle of Xiapi.

“It's, it's....ARGAAAAA!”

~ Soldier from the above quote being slain by Lu Bu during the battle in Dynasty Warriors 4.

“There is no way Lu Bu is here at the Battle of Guandu since he was killed at Xiapi in actual history a year ago ago in 199 CE. I shall stand to the right of all enemies and this time I shall keep it cool.”

~ Soldier's analysis on Lu Bu and where he shall stand in the Battle of Guandu.

“WHAT THE FUCK?! NO! IMPOSSIBLE! ARGGGAAAAA!”

~ Soldier from the above quote being slain by a supposedly dead Lu Bu during the Battle of Guandu in Dynasty Warriors 4.

“During this Battle at Red Cliffs, there is no way in hell I am standing to the right of all enemies.”

~ Soldier making the right decision on where he shall stand at the Battle of Red Cliffs.

“You little bitch! You're supposed to be dead from 199 CE and up!”

~ Destiny during Dynasty Warriors 5; saved many soldiers lives.

See also[edit]