This article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2012

Sex

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Genders. Apparently, there are only eight.
It was easier to talk to kids about this stuff when life was sepia-toned.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Ellipses.... Ellipses......uh...they're these things....that look like little dots.........with spaces in them...... Ellipses are commonly used, by many people, online and offline.....to drag on.....and on.....and on..............and on, even after everyone has lost interest in the original subject of the sentence....which is usually boring, anyway............. The reason being that most ellipses users don't have much to say.........often they try to end sentences with plenty of ellipses.....like this.....to try and make it seem like they've made something interesting...........like a unique discovery...........or just a wise suggestion.............while most of the time........they're just wasting space and saying everything everyone else has already said............ ........Occurence of ellipses..... Most ellipses occur in posts or sentences written by n00bs, the reason being that most n00bs are very uninteresting, annoying, dull.....uh.......what's the word.....I forget..........uh....generally dumb people who should be avoided at all times.......beware you catch the ellipsis too.................. Often, you will see plenty of ellipses accompanied by question marks.....................exclamation points...................and little 1-shaped things..........that mean the typist has a very weak pinky finger............and cannot hold down a fucking shift button to save his/her life................. Note: Ellipses should never be confused with periods...................which are almost perfectly identical but totally harmless, I think....................hmmm......  An ellipse, captured in a rare photo, isolated from its brethren....notice the resemblance to an eyeball....... How to like, uh......defeat ellipses.....and stuff.... An ellipse.....ellipsi.....ellip.....thing...whatever....cannot be destroyed unless you can get it into a game of Pong, in which the goal of the game is to mercilessly crush the little fugger by beating it back and forth until it dies........ However.....be careful......for if you cannot kill the ellipse in time......it may become aware of its situation and retaliate.......maybe..........and I hear an ellipse can be ornery as hell...........like most creatures..........upon realizing that someone was trying to violently bludgeon it to death............ (What the hell?............This is retarded.......friggin dots, attackin' people......jeez..) Examples of...Ellipses....thingies....in history "Okay....uh....where do we go from here....Damn it! Why didn't we get a stupid compass!!!!1...." - Noah.....like....a long time ago... "You see, narcolepsy is a very unique disorder in that................" - Narcolepsy Support Group....1990...ish.... "Dude............." - Some dude.......I forget his name....... "....................My Jewish writer's at lunch.....shit...." - Oscar Wilde....at a loss for anything clever...... "lol.......i wonder what poop tastes like.........^_^" - Some n00b....... Uh....I forgot what to call this part............... Oh crap.......One second.......lemme get my notes...... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ........................ ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ....................................................... ......................................?

Well ... um ...

Where do I start. Uh. So. Yeah. Sex ... It's, uh ... what about sex?

Where the hell is your mother?

Let's talk about sex, baby

Well, you see, kid, sex is a thing that two ... uh, consenting children, who are uh ... always very much in love, I mean adults, and always of the opposite gender ... well, actually, I suppose you could both be boys and do it, I mean, men, not boys, you have to be men. Or girls? Or a boy and a girl. Man and a girl! Wait, no! Woman! Man and a woman! Or woman and woman, I won't judge.

Where was I going with this?

Let's talk about you and me

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Sex.

So the man and man or woman and woman or man and woman or a woman and a man get together, well, I guess that's really the same thing, man and woman and woman and man. Anyway, the man and woman or woman and man ... well, you get what I mean. Anyway, they really really love each other, and lie down on a big bed, or sometimes the floor, or kitchen table, or midtown tunnel, and they ... uh ... take off all their clothes. Well, sometimes all their clothes. You could leave your shirts on. The shirt is really an optional thing. You don't need to take it off, but, I mean, that's really half the fun of sex. No one really has sex not to look at boobs, am I right, son? Am I right? C'mon, gimme five. Right?

Okay, moving along. So you have the girl ... woman ... man ... so the pants are off, and maybe the shirt too, and you say to them "Hey, maybe I think we should have sex now?" It's a reasonable question to ask, right? It's been six dates already, you've already rounded second on the last date and you figure maybe it's time to throw another bird in the bush, right? Oh, wait, we're not up to that part yet. Shit. I mean ... Christ, where the hell is that mother of yours?

So if she says "Yes! Let's have sex!" then proceed to the next part. If she says "No! Tonight I would rather not have the sex," then abandon all hope. Help them put their clothes back on, take the handcuffs off, give them some money for a cab and a lollipop for their trouble, whatever you have to do to get your shoulda-been sex partner on his/her merry way. It may feel bad in the moment, but hey, spending the night alone has its benefits. Wait, no, not in that way. I mean, yes, your mother and I do sometimes ... hear you in there. Christ, it's not like the walls are made of airport glass.

Let's talk about all the good things

It can also be like fingerless gloves, if you're into that kinky shit.

So ... moving away from that ... tangent ... let's get back on topic. You're with your, uh, partner, and you're now both completely, or mostly, naked. So, you take your ... uh ... penis? I mean, you know what a penis is, right? You have one. Look down. There it is. We're all on the same page now, right?

Okay, so you take your penis, and you look at your partner and think "Man, they're really hot. I could really do something with this penis to them right now," and just thinking that will make the penis puff up and get hard with excitement. If that doesn't work, then just substitute something hotter in your mind, say, instead of thinking of your partner just lying there, imagine them wearing huge army boots, holding a fresh loaf of bread, making out with two baby pandas. Whatever floats your boat, I'm not here to judge.

So, when you're ready, you take your, uh, penis and you ... you take it, and you, um. Well, you take it and you, well, you see, ladies don't have penises. But men do, if you're having sex with a man. Actually, I've changed my mind. At your age you shouldn't be having sex with men. I'm going back to "boy" from now on. So you're having sex with a boy, or lady, and you certainly can't stick your penis inside ... uh ... OKAY, just to not complicate things, we're going heteronormative. Sorry if you're gay, but you can just get your grandpa to talk to you about that. And where the hell is your mom, too?!

Anyway, girls have ... uh ... holes instead of penises. It's like God gave women gloves, and men put their hands inside of the gloves, except it's your penis instead of your hand, and the glove is made of meat and smells like Greenbaum's fish market. So, like a glove, you put on the glove with your penis, right? Well, it's actually more like a mitten. A meat mitten, right? I really should have thought of a better analogy before I started this. I'm so sorry, Brucie. Your mother really should tell you about this part, she's the one with the ... glove anyway.

That's it, I'm calling her.

And the bad things that may be

Yeah, Goldie? Where are you? I'm here with the boy trying to explain, uh, some important things to him. Well yeah I think he's ready, I told you last week. Well I kind of assumed you were paying attention because I'm still your goddamn husband, right? I mean, at least in a technical sense. Could you just get here as soon as you can? I'm really behind schedule with this thing, I'm already supposed to be talking about AIDS and gonorrhea and all that bad shit right now.

Oh, don't listen Brucie. Spoilers. Go in the other room.

He's gone. Please just come, okay? You can fuck your personal trainer later, at least try to help me out with at least one of Brucie's big moments, or else he'll grow up to be a spineless loser with a fucked up sex life. He'll make the same mistakes we made, show up to his son's bar mitzvah on coke and sleep with his cousin's ...

GOD DAMN IT BRUCIE I SAID GET IN THE OTHER ROOM.

Great. Never mind. I give up. Say hi to Ryan for me. Ask him how your vagina is doing, since I'm worried his big muscular cock is going to ... hello? Hello?

Hey, Brucie, get in here. Listen to me right now, and I mean this very very seriously, loud and clear: never, ever have sex. Your penis will fall off and you will die. Got it? Good. Even though you will stick your penis in a woman's ass.

To the people at home or in the crowd

← 5 6 7 →
-1 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
0 10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90
Cardinal six
Ordinal 6th
(sixth)
Factorization 2 × 3
Greek numeral Ϛ´
Roman numeral VI
Binary 1102
Ternary 203
Quaternary 124
Quinary 115
Senary 106
Octal 68
Duodecimal 612
Hexadecimal 616
Vigesimal 620
Base 36 636
Ninjastar dark.svg
Cream of the Crap

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