Vaseline

“Countless possibilities ...”
~ Oscar Wilde

Vaseline in antiquity[edit | edit source]

Thought to be discovered by early Jews, Vaseline was originally used as a condiment. It was later learned that it could be used for lots of other things, such as suffocating ticks and greasing up things on your body for lubrication purposes. This is what made Vaseline so popular. It is now used almost exclusively for teh buttsecks.^{[citation needed]} Vaseline is sometimes used as a miracle cure for ailments such as the common cold, cancer, lazy eye, boredom, aids, and even autism.

Taming your convenience size tube[edit | edit source]

While Vaseline was designed and bred primarily for the lisping club kid on the go, it is thought by some to be the ultimate anus moisturizer. This often docile white petroleum jelly can be found crouching in doorways, lisping, listening to your mother wrapping Christmas presents, and oozing out of orifices. It is advised that when you do find this calm, serene, shy, dermatologist recommended creature in a home or office setting, that you do not tap on the glass. Although it won't clog your pores if you do, it may sassily latch onto your face in a hungry rage, and become increasingly difficult to remove the more you attempt to wipe it off. In matters of taming the slick Vaseline creature, never apply too much, and always assure it that it is, indeed, hypoallergenic.

A typical two-ounce tube is likely to bring you better luck in matters of the heart. Simply use one or two fingers or more, and scoop up a little dab of Vaseline, and apply to whatever you want to by gently but firmly rubbing it in. Over a period of two minutes after rubbing, it will begin sassily squeaking, moaning, lisping, and causing you to shout the likes "Yes, Yes, YES", and "Harder, HARDER, you bastard" with a lisp – and this is the way you know you have properly moisturized something. Keep rubbing until it stops squeaking, moaning and shouting, and you will have to start all over. You may have to really lay into it, but Vaseline will do the trick every time.