~ Oscar Wilde on Vaseline“Slick openings, big fun, and oily orgasms are the colourful signature of the native Toronto mammal, Vaseline”
~ Steve Irwin on Vaseline
Vaseline in Antiquity
Thought to be discovered by early Jews, Vaseline was originally used as a food condiment. It was later learned that it could be used for lots of other things; such as suffocating ticks, and greasing up things on your body for lubrication purposes. This is what made Vaseline so popular. It is now used almost solely for teh buttsecks.
Taming your convenience size tube
While Vaseline was designed and bred primarily for the club kid on the go, it is thought by some to be the ultimate anus moisturizer. This often docile white petroleum jelly can be found crouching in doorways, listening to your mother wrapping christmas presents, oozing out of unfriendly orifices, and preventing diaper rash. It is advised that when you do find this shy, dermatologist recommended creature in a home or office setting, that you do not tap on the glass. Although it won't clog your pores if you do, it may latch onto your face in a hungry rage, and become increasingly difficult to remove the more you attempt to wipe it off. In matters of taming the slick Vaseline creature, never apply too much, and always assure it that it is, indeed, hypoallergenic.
A typical 50g tube is likely to bring you better luck in matters of the heart. Simply use 1, 2 or 3 fingers, and scoop up a little dab of Vaseline, and apply to whatever you want to by gently but firmly rubbing it in. Over a period of 3 minutes after rubbing, it will begin squeaking, moaning, and causing you to shout the likes "Yes, Yes, YES", and "Harder, HARDER, you bastard" – and this is the way you know you have properly moisturized something. Keep rubbing until it stops squeaking, moaning and shouting, and you will have to start all over. You may have to really lay into it, but Vaseline will do the trick every time.
Contrary to popular belief, Vaseline can also be used for:
- pwn the n00bz
- home mortgage refinancing
- warding off white people
- a main ingredient in lava lamps
- block all bitch ass-ness
- a salad toppin'
- moisturizing dry sore teats
Vaseline must NOT be used for:
- dipping your chicken nuggets
- buffing your tallywacker
- rectal exploration activities
- eating up by the spoonful - this is not recommended because it may cause severe anal leakage and/or Hershey squirts in your britches, panties or thongs.