Pegging (perfectly heterosexual practice)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
A straight man, who shaves his entire body to please his heterosexual female partner, is seen bending over for her. His own penis and testicles hang down in the picture for added realism.

Pegging is a completely heterosexual practice by which men and women enjoy a new form of anal sex without being even the slightest bit gay. Invented by the straight Marquis de Sade in the 18th century, it soon became a widely practiced and absolutely non-homosexual act between non-gay people and their wives (who proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were not gay).

Not only is pegging a heterosexual practice, but it can be a very pleasant way to spice up the sex lives of completely straight couples, allowing the heterosexual female partner to get a turn at penetrating her obviously straight male partner. This is both empowering for the woman and entirely approved by heterosexuals everywhere, and the fact that a man enjoys it does not reflect any sort of deeply buried homosexual desire, but rather a socially conscious outlook on gender relations.

Non-gay readers of the advice column of gay sexual activist Dan Savage invented the word "pegging," and Savage reassured them that they were not at all gay for enjoying it.

Heterosexually pleasurable aspects[edit]

This picture is entirely unrelated to this article.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pegging (sexual practice).

For both the man and the woman involved in the heterosexual act of pegging, the pleasure stems from two aspects: the physical and the psychological. For the heterosexual male, the physical pleasure of pegging revolves around a hard, long, cylindrical object repeatedly going up his anal sphincter and stimulating his prostate, while the psychological pleasure is derived from the fact that it is totally not gay.

For the straight man's female partner, on the other hand, the physical pleasure revolves around the unfamiliar sensation against her own vagina, while the psychological pleasure is derived from the totally forward-thinking, progressive, and empowering nature of the act, allowing her to literally stick it to the man without turning into one of those angry, man-hating lesbian feminists who doesn't shave her armpits, burns her bra, and repairs motorcycles for a living.

Advice columnist Dan Savage has written that everyone should try pegging at least once, and reassures them that this totally would not make them gay (and he, being a gay man, would know what was gay and what was totally not). It is a perfectly heterosexual practice, and is pleasurable for both the non-gay man and the female woman he is totally in a relationship with, who is obviously not a man and therefore proves that he is not gay.

Instructional materials for straight people[edit]

Instructional materials have recently emerged among heterosexual non-gay straight people, such as Bend Over Boyfriend (No Homo), which was based on a series of lectures and workshops by non-gay people and co-produced by Heterosexuelle Media. The movie was totally not gay, as everyone involved in the production of the film was straight rather than gay. Because of the name Bend Over Boyfriend (No Homo), Dan Savage suggested that the practice be called BOBNHing (bobenhing), but many of his male listeners complained that bobenhing sounded like "Bob and he", which would suggest homosexual intercourse, and they were totally not into dudes at all, just heterosexual anal intercourse with penis-shaped objects attached to beautiful women who they totally thought were hot.

Other instructional videos include Tristan Taormino's Non-gay Guide to Completely Heterosexual Anal Pleasure for Straight Men and The Progressive Straight Couple's Guide to Socially Conscious Non-Homosexual Intercourse Between Heterosexual Phallic Objects and Non-Gay Anuses in 2007.

In straight pornography[edit]

It goes without saying that this man had no use for a strap-on dildo.

Pegging pornography falls under the category of straight porn, rather than gay porn or shemale porn, the other two genres that exist, which obviously demonstrates that pegging pornography is straight, because if it wasn't, it would be in a different genre.

In the early 21st century, heterosexual pegging pornography became a very popular subgenre of straight porn. Well-known and well-paid female pegging porn stars have repeatedly reassured their viewers and partners that pegging is not at all gay.

In heterosexual culture[edit]

Pegging is an important aspect of heterosexual culture. Without pegging, heterosexual men might require the penis of either a man or a non-op transsexual to penetrate their anus, which would be totally gay in the eyes of completely 100% heterosexual non-gay people, because it involves a real penis rather than an exact replica of one. The genius of pegging is thus the fact that it allows men to receive a phallic object in their anus that is not real but made out of artificial materials, hence saving themselves from becoming victims of the gay agenda.

Pegging is also important to religious couples in which the man, who is not gay because he is a member of the covenant of God, can't get it up for them. By penetrating these 100% straight men anally, loving and submissive heroines of civilization are able to pleasure both themselves and the non-gay man who is unable to enjoy any other form of intercourse, hence saving their marriage from Satan and ensuring the continuance of God's one true faith, whichever one that happens to be.

Pegging has been portrayed in many heterosexual films, usually inserted by totally heterosexual people in order to spread the idea that it is indeed possible to receive anal intercourse without ever being gay, as this popular Hollywood film demonstrates.

People who don't need strap ons[edit]

Straight people see also[edit]