History of Porn

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Soft-core porn. Always a popular form.

Ever since man could find leisure through quickly stroking the shaft of his penis; ever since womankind found leisure in spreading their legs; ever since the camera was invented: One of the most popular forms of entertainment was sweeping the countries of the world. "When man desired to see fornication, man saw fornication!" Behold; the untold History of Porn.

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These so-called experts at Wikipedia have an erotic article on the History of Porn. Fuckin' horny perverts.

Golden Age[edit]

The Greeks invent Porn; The Baby Boom Period (200 BC - 75 BC)[edit]

When mankind saw the need for excitement via watching others having satisfaction, a Greek man named Bonarcumin attempted to sell tickets to family theaters. Instead of playing battle reenactments, Bonarcumin displayed sexual intercourse reenactments. Back then, children were encouraged to learn, and thus took in on the action. When the women bore women, more food was in order for the Greek military. When women bore men, the quantity of Greek soldiers skyrocketed. It was then, in 200 BC, when the Greeks adopted pornography into their own culture. An era of baby booming followed immediately in Greece.

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Roman sex scene depicted in the late 1700s.

By 195 BC, the Greeks gave pornographic sacrifices to the Greek gods. In response to these kind offerings, Aphrodite became one of Greece's most famous (and erotic) pornography actresses. She would go on to film the classic blockbuster hits: Wrath of the Titan Babes, Oops! A Trouser Snake Entered Me!, Bye Bye Birdie, Aphrodite Takes It In The Ass, and its sequel; Aphrodite Takes It TWICE As Much In The Ass: Revenge of Poseidon.

But of course, only the Gods could see these films. Back then, the Greeks didn't have color on their TVs. In fact, they didn't have any TVs at all. One (as in a mortal) could only view these films if they were favored by the deities, high on weed, sex slaves of the deities, deities, a cast member of the films, or exceed the expectation for an average Greek man's ninjutsu.

Japan and its porn (300 CE - 500 CE)[edit]

Bukkake originated in Japan.

Soon, porn was spreading like STDs, and Japan received its fair share. (Like it wasn't coming or anything) Japan really responded differently than imagined. And in 300 CE, Japan launched their first magazine issue of Octopus Porn. Still, Japan sells millions and millions (even nillions) of copies of these specialties. Critic argue that Japanese porn is the most, if not is, the most strangest, yet offensively erotic porn in the world. But, of course, shooting octopus porn in the United States of America is illegal, and will land you in the slammer.[1]

Many argue that by 500 CE, Octopus Porn surpassed Aphrodite's Greek hits by a long-shot.[2]

In the 1900s, Japanese porn became known as Hentai.

Britney loves it!

China's porn (505 CE - 600 CE)[edit]

It wasn't long-time before China was also introduced to the nude women. Japan and China were actually (for a first-time) trading around these times, and Japan secretly hid some Octopus Porn in their exports to China. By 505 CE, Octopus Porn hit the shelves along with homemade Chinese variations of these wonders, which was called Rice Farm Style Porno. Ever since, the Chinese openly stream porn every Chinese New Year, and even aired a little porn during the 2008 Summer Olympics. (was it possible porn could have became an Olympic sport?)

Porn does Russia (650 CE - 700 CE)[edit]

By 650 CE, Russia didn't do porn. Instead, porn did Russia![3]

Silver Age[edit]

Angie, the wide receiver, finds pleasure in the anilingus Dawn performs.

Medieval Times (1000 CE - 1500 CE)[edit]

This is Japanese Octopus Porn. Are you feeling strange? Just a little bit?

During the Crusades and all throughout Medieval Europe, porn became part of everyday culture.[4] Children would even be able to view the less-hardcore knights in shining armor films, such as The Princess Gets Her Knight In Shining Armor To BEND HER OVER!. This was the highest grossing Medieval porno.

Modern day films such as Twilight, The Last Song, and Titanic were parodies of Medieval Age pornos. Titanic was more of a crossover film, though.

The American Colonies (1700s)[edit]

When the American colonies spanned over the east coast of the Atlantic ocean, so did pornography. It has been recorded that one of the few recreational activities patriot soldiers could enjoy during the Revoluiton was watching (and enjoying) fancy pornos. This is still a favorite recreational activity enjoyed by Americans today.[5]

Post Martin Luther King[edit]

John and Marcusharkus double stuff Kelsie.

Golden Age[edit]

United States and the American Wet Dream (1960s-1990s)[edit]

It is widely considered to be the USA's most successful pornographic era during the years between 1960 and 2000. Many ideas struck the directors of such pornos then, like a pornographic version of Alice in Wonderland, Romeo & Juliet, and of course Transformers. One of the most infamous (or famous, your call[6]) pornographic actresses was Marilyn Monroe. She even inspired the most recent generation to recall her whore ways, and do just the same!

Octopus Porn (2000s - present)[edit]

This is actually a glass of milk being enjoyed by a woman who happens to be naked. There is nothing strange here.

As of today, Octopus Porn is still the most viewed and most worshiped porn as of today. Lord knows why.[7]

See also[edit]

References[edit]

  1. We know from experience.
  2. No sexual reference intended.
  3. Sorry... I had to do it.
  4. We swear!
  5. There shouldn't even be a reference needed for this one!
  6. no, seriously, it is your call.
  7. Seriously... he does.