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Sexual innuendo

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“Sexual innuendo was funny until comedians started shoving it down my throat.”

~ Oscar Wilde on sexual innuendo
Innuendo Tower in London is one of the biggest and most impressive erections in the entire city. It is the central hub for exploring the mysterious, gaping orifice of sexual innuendo.
Florida, commonly known as "The Penis State" has a capital to match its nickname.

Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, many people have mass-debated over the ins-and-outs of the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.

A common problem with sexual innuendo is the recipient being unable to wrap their hands around the intended meaning. In this case, an individual using sexual innuendo will often start slow and eventually build up, increasing depth more and more until the recipient feels the actual thrust of the point and the innuendo climaxes. An innuendo is always the most pleasing when no one sees it coming, often by entering the mind through the rear. Some skilled people are even able to use several sexual innuendos quickly in succession, resulting in multiple innuendo-esque climaxes. Key phrases can grasp the sentence by the ankles and part its long clauses allowing the orator to penetrate the essence of the sentence. In this regard, the key is to avoid stiff, rigid words, for ones that give the meaning of the sentence a firm rise in innuendic possibilities. Some regard sexual innuendo as an art form, and it goes without saying that one needs a certain level of oral skills in order for the fluidic exchange of innuendo to succeed. However, this is not enough to fill the requirements. One needs to pay special attention to the region of the sentence to which the innuendo will enter. For lasting effects, it is most important to enter deep within the recipient's consciousness and to ensure that all of the seeds of humor have flowed forth. This is not an easy task for most people, so it is only through rigorous repetition of the insertion of sexual innuendo that one can fully master the uplifting effects it can have on vocabulary.

On another side note, one must remember that when practicing innuendo to somebody who has heard it for the first time, one must be ready to slowly enter in the tight quarters of the reader's mind, lest risk getting their ideas unpleasantly stuck within the annals of the reader's mind.

Although sexual innuendo requires masterful manipulation of parts of speech (and sometimes the skillful use of body language), for most people it comes quickly. There is currently much debate over whether an extended innuendo can substitute for technique (see image).

Initial stimulation

Originally created by authors as a way to firmly grab their readers' imaginations and caress them with an artistic touch for maximum effect, skillful use of sexual innuendo has been forced into the breadth of society. Since its conception, sexual innuendo has slowly and smoothly spread across much of the face of pop culture. Despite periodic attempts by some to smear the practice, spurts of sexual innuendo continue to stick to the body of society, rivulets of which flow down into cultural nether regions and pool. There are many who attempt to push sexual innuendo onto and into everyday life. Morals generally consider it inappropriate to thrust sexual innuendos into the minds of the youth. However, from K through 12, children constantly feel the deep impact of sexual innuendo shoved their minds by both instructors and classmates. This has caused a great excess of sexual innuendo to be secreted from schools.

Scotland gets beaver.jpg

Examples of sexual innuendo

When engaging in the subtle art of sexual innuendo, one must avoid circumlocution in order to come across as logically stalwart and rigid. In this first example, the first individual subtly insinuates that he would like to engage in a sex act. However, he is not quite "with it" in his copulatory request:

Individual 1: "Can I borrow your virginity?"
Individual 2: "You're a dirty pervert!"

Even in text form, one can feel how the subtle implications roll rapidly off the tongue of the first speaker and into the receptive ears of the second, achieving a most desirable state of deep oral communication without any coverage of sticky conversational fumbling, as well as eliciting the desired reaction.

Let's take a peek at another ripe, burgeoning example:

Individual 1: Bum!
Individual 2: Oh, what a giveaway!

Can you feel the resonance throbbing gently through this subtle discourse?

Individual 1: Why must you turn everything into a sexual innuendo?
Individual 2: I'd like to in your end-o!

Innuendo in literature

Perhaps one of the most adroit manipulations of the inherent suppleness of language can be found in the ever-honeyed realm of Romantic Poetry. Many writers find innuendo to be an incredibly pleasurable experience, and their urges to create innuendo-laced pages build up until finally they gush forth a stream of innuendo which impregnates the text with naughtiness. Some authors have said they favor innuendo because it fills a void in their literature, and their readers often comment on how uplifting the innuendos are. Although different writers have their own, unique and often exotic techniques for engaging subtle sexual overtones (often heavily swayed by the peccadilloes of their cultures), the undisputed masters of both manual and oral tradition are the Japanese Haiku masters. The tight structure of traditional Haiku is quite restrictive and binding to long, drawn out notions of verbal foreplay, and yet through the delicate insertion of clever natural image, they are able to whet their readers' insatiable appetites for subjects often considered taboo.

Wow. That is a massive cock.

Here, we see one of Basho's most spiritually arousing offerings. Pay close attention to the overflowing voluptuousness of the surging bucolic imagery he employs to convey the delicate spice of his demure affection for his chaste mistress:

The surf on the rocks,
Gentle rain falls on cedars,
I will fuck you raw.

Everyone likes to have this sort of beautiful sentiment inside them.

Haiku is not the only form of poetic expression so deeply soaked with sexual innuendo, list poetry can make even the most suggestive literature turn flaccid in fright.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to violate you with a rake.

Because of this poem's double-ended simplicity, it manages to slide itself into a niche of warm, phallic, poetic mastery.

Certain shaggy dog stories also mount the plateau of high-brow innuendo, although they seem to last for long periods of time before coming to a climax, making them comparatively impotent, when put side-by-side with the fast, rocking undulations, and sudden thrusts of classical poetry.

Innuendo in nature

A TV meteorologist suggests the shape of things to come. Weather-wise.

Not to put anything in Mother Nature's mouth, many up-and-coming naturist youths have pointed out both strong and revealing instances of natural innuendo, and slower instances – this fills a niche left by the endless man-obsessed descriptions of smooth, witty double-entendres.

In the weather for instance, the warm fronts which make their way up and down the maps occasionally present themselves nakedly, revealing their true secret – see image (right).

Innuendo in everyday life

Some claim there is abundant innuendo to be found in everyday life, which nature has whipped out and stuck in to make more interesting. Think long and hard about the following everyday situations; you may have come across them yourself at some point.

“I'm gonna put my wiener in your buns.”

~ Hot dog vendor on innuendo

“Can I butter your muffin?”

~ Waiter on innuendo

“First we'll get hammered, then we'll screw.”

~ Carpenter on innuendo

“Double the entendre, double the pleasure.”

~ English teacher on innuendo

“I've got more wood than you can handle.”

~ Woodworker on innuendo

“Oh shit, it erupted prematurely ...”

~ Volcano tour guide on innuendo

“I'm going to inject you with my special fluid now!”

~ Doctor on innuendo

“Notice how hard and firm this ram is.”

~ Farmer on innuendo

“Forward and back, forward and back ... excellent technique.”

~ Football commentator on innuendo

“I want you to empty your junk into my box!”

~ Charity worker on innuendo

“I'm going to fill you in, baby. Every last bit of you.”

~ Dentist on innuendo

“You may feel a small prick ...”

~ Doctor (again) on innuendo

“Just wait a minute while I get my balls out ...”

~ Golfer on innuendo

“Would you like a lick of my lollipop, little girl?”

~ Shopkeeper on innuendo

“The second coming is imminent.”

~ Priest on innuendo

“Oh, I'll nail your rack alright. I'll nail it nice and hard.”

~ Handyman on innuendo

“Now grab the knob ...”

~ Driving instructor on innuendo

“These are some hard buns!”

~ McDonald's customer on innuendo

“Now all we have to do is get it ... In?”

~ Pinkie Pie on innuendo

“I'll be going out and coming in frequently”

~ Career criminal on innuendo

“My package has got your name on it!”

~ Postman on innuendo

“I pwn on this game, all with my hands and my joystick.”

~ Video game nerd on innuendo

“And here is a lovely pair of tits ...”

~ Birdwatcher on innuendo

“I had to come inside through the back door.”

~ Delivery man on innuendo

“They're huge popsicles. I can barely fit them in my mouth.”

~ Popsicle Vendor on innuendo

“So that'll be two teabags and a spitroast, with a creampie to finish. Excellent choice.”

~ Waiter on innuendo

“The purpose of this spaceship is to boldly go, where no man has come before!”

~ Jean-Luc Picard on innuendo

“The Sun and Saturn caused Jupiter to slide inward and outward from the Sun.”

~ Astronomy teacher on innuendo

“The wall stands erect! We need to penetrate it!”

~ Soldier on innuendo

“It fits like a hand in a glove!”

~ Clothing vendor on innuendo

“Too hard for you?”

~ Teacher on innuendo


~ Captain Obvious on innuendo

The masters of sexual innuendo

Study these phrases well, given by the master debators themselves, for they can barely contain their innuendic load before it is gushes forth will the full force of comedic thrust.

“Ho, ho, ho! Here comes Santa!”

a.k.a "The Midnight Prowler"

“If you've been a good girl, I'll be coming down your chimney tonight!”

a.k.a "The Silent Crime"

Santa Claus and his lovely big bulging sack.

“If you've been a bad boy, I'll be coming down your chimney tonight!”

a.k.a "The Artful Throbber"

“Ho, ho, ho, children! Who wants to feed Rudolf?”

a.k.a "The Backdoor Bandit"

“Do you want a ride on my sleigh little girl?”

a.k.a "The Red Ravage"

“Ho, ho, ho, little boy, have I got a surprise for you!”

a.k.a "The Jolly Menace"

“Is this where all of the bad girls live?!”

a.k.a "Two Big Lumps Of Coal"

“My sack's going to be empty when I'm finished with you!”

a.k.a "Credit Where It's Due"

“When I come, I'm going to fill both your stockings!”

a.k.a. "A Hard Delivery"

“Let's see what's waiting for you under the tree, kids!”

a.k.a "Giver Of Gifts"

“Who wants to see me mount Rudolf?”

a.k.a "Animal Lover"

“I'm going to violate you with my penis.”

a.k.a "No Bullshit"


Over the years, several upstanding members of society have stood erect in the firm opinion that sexual innuendo has tainted the virginal waters of comedy with its rapid, repeated penetration into mainstream humour. These opinions grew in popularity over time, starting off slow but getting progressively faster and faster, reaching a climax around '69. Since then, such opinions have slid in and out of popular acceptance. However, most modern-day comedians agree that a good, firm grasp of the subject is needed in order to tackle the fact that it's once again getting harder and harder to do sexual innuendo properly. Some even think all previously used jokes should be rolled up and thrown away in order to avoid spawning unwanted bastard child jokes which might result from reuse.

See also


If you have any further questions about sexual innuendo, ask for a book from your local library. I'm sure your librarian will take you up the back aisle and give it to you. Or maybe ask your dad, he'll shove it where the sun dont shine :3

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