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“Tsk, Tsk....”

~ The Dentist on every mouth he has ever looked in

A dentist (also occasionally called Creepy-Ass Motherfucker) is a professional in the medical community that, historically, failed out of medical school and was forced to deal with oral hygene. In modern times, dental school is made harder to pass than medical school, so that they can effectively weed out the sadists who want to spend a lifetime causing people pain. The dentist is meant to evaluate, diagnose, prevent, and treat diseases in the oral cavity, otherwise known as the inside of your mouth. The modern dentist is the quintisential multitasker of our day. He has the ability to not only clean your teeth, but to ruthlessly degrade your oral hygene as he does it. The dentist is known to brush his teeth no less than six times a day, and flosses more often than most people blink. The fact that you do not follow his oral hygene habits is often sickening to the dentist. He also has some of the worst breath known to man.

"Yes, I must admit, my teeth are much cleaner than yours. Do you even brush at all?"

The Art of Dentistry[edit | edit source]

Dentists in the UK are a specialised type of con-man. Through years of cleverly planned deceit and manipulation, they have managed to craft for themselves a profession in which they are approximately £100,000 ($16,376 in real money) better off a year for doing nothing more than counting from 1 to 8 and back to one again and then saying 'See you in six months' time'. Using their supernatural powers, dentists earn more than Doctors despite the fact that they only have knowledge of a single, small part of the human body.. Dentists have a certain power which compels them to never show their face to any camera, if somehow someone does catch their face on camera the person will be attacket by un spellang and supa powerfule toothfarees.

Orthodontists[edit | edit source]

Orthodontists, or the 'Super Scum' are a special type of dentist where the scum gene is ultra concentrated, possibly due to inbreeding amongst dentists. The crucial difference is that where dentists have an amount of social life which tends towards zero, orthodontists have absolutely no lives whatsoever. Outside of working hours, they amuse themselves by sitting locked in their bedrooms and playing with the model teeth that they have built using the impressions of humans' teeth. They also compete with each other to see who can fit the most metal inside a child's mouth on the pretense that it will make their teeth straighter. They call this device a 'brace' or, if they cannot fit enough metal inside the mouth and thus decide to add a bit more around the outside of the head, 'head-gear'. Orthodontists also seem to gain some sort of pleasure from the sound of their drill putting holes through your teeth. A little known fact about orthodontists is that most of them own rent-a-dungeons in larger urban areas.

The Great Mishap of 1956[edit | edit source]

On the 14th of November 1956, a terrible and tragic event took place at the Toothfairy Lane Dental Practice in Bolton. At precisely 12pm GMT, Mr James Sedgewick, the chief dentist at the practice, was running on time for an appointment. Eyewitness reports said it was a dreadful thing to behold. One woman fainted and was taken to hospital suffering from concussion. Since this incident, careful measures have been introduced to ensure that a dentist is never running on time for an appointment ever again. The exact details of these measures are top secret, known only to dentists, orthodontists (The Super-Scum), Humphrey Bogart, and Clint Eastwood. However, it is widely believed that the most crucial measure on the list is that dentists are now forbidden to turn up to work any less than fifteen minutes late. It is also widely advised that they run in the door shouting 'You can fucking wait a little bit longer' so as to appear as objectionable as possible to the general public. Fuck.

History[edit | edit source]

A typical dentist of antiquity. The helmet is essential to protect from the various fluids/chunky mixtures that exude from his patient's mouth.

In 1837, back in the day before the invention of strawberry schnapps, irish coffee, and other sugary snacks everyone had perfect teeth and the word dentist never crossed their minds. Even so, the government was worried about spiralling unemployment rates and the looming specter of child labor laws which left it with the formidable task of creating new jobs. This involved a multi-tiered process which started with the invention of cotton candy and and ended with the profession of "Dentistry" or "evil dirt-eating fucking bastards" (to put it politely).

Out of work miners armed with pickaxes, silver, mercury and other assorted mining paraphernalia were immediately put to work "saving" people's teeth. As an added bonus to the government's coal mine to work program, the tooth-saving measures frequently failed, requiring the recruitment of wood and ivory carvers into the newly fangled field of denture making.

The Dental Waiting Room and Magazine Rack[edit | edit source]

My dentist's last patient. Doc's last words--faithfully recorded by his dental assistant--were, appropriately, "Open wide"

Because the dentist makes on average £1000.00 per hour, he can afford to equip his waiting room with state of the art antiques, cutting edge decor, up to date and interesting reading materials, and comfortable seating. But for some reason he doesn't. The dentist prefers to recycle Field and Stream, Newsweek, and Town and Country subscriptions because he knows the articles all say the same thing:

blah blah blah, omg do I hear someone crying? Damn, why do they let the sound of that screeching fucking drill reach the waiting room. You'd think with modern technology they could find a way to make a quiet drill, blah blah blah fishing lures, worms etc. What the HELL! I know I got here before that bitch! Why are they letting her go before me? I hope I don't get the hygienist that always sprays my neck and forgets to suction this time. blah blah President Clinton admits to getting a bj what? again? I thought they forgot about that, oh, May 1997. I wish those old ladies would ShUt the FuCk UP. blah blah Britney Spears shaves her underside and flashes Park Avenue. Oh no, I KNEW that old lady would start talking to me. Maybe I'll pretend to be deaf. You got here when? 8:00 Fucking AM! That means I'll be here another 3 and a half hours. Back to the magazine, she'll leave me alone if I'm really into this Newsweek article. Oh thank God they called her in. Blah blah average american believes President Bush is a Mama's Boy. MS. DENTAL PATIENT. Oh yay! My turn at last. WE DON'T HAVE A COPY OF YOUR INSURANCE CARD ON FILE. COULD YOU PLEASE COME TO THE FRONT DESK SO WE MAY MAKE A COPY? God dammit.

The Study of Dentistry and the coming invasion of the Borg[edit | edit source]

There is no logical reason why aspiring dentists should not study medicine just like aspiring opthalmologists, dermatologists, and all other kinds of doctors. When asked, dentists usually respond with a quirky smile and, if they're trying to be funny, some comment along the lines of "pulling out people's teeth isn't really all that demanding". The real reason, as mentioned above, is that they spend their years at "university" being assimilated by the Borg. Once the assimilation process is completed, they are returned to earth to implant as many microchips as possible so as to ensure a smooth regime change once the Borg invasion starts on April 18, 2019.

If you have ever been treated by a dentist, you are advised to pull out your teeth at once. You might look like shit, but hey, you'll still be human 10 years from now.

Uses[edit | edit source]

Dental care is YOUR decision, as this girl bravely decides to NOT receive braces

There are no known uses for a dentist, it is just a waste of money. There is no gain to be had from visiting a dentist.

Other ways to waste money (with at least one good factor):

  • Buying Earplugs - So you don't have to listen to Bill eat lunch.
  • Going to a dentist - No point, completely worthless

Common questions asked by Dentists[edit | edit source]

when they know damn well you can't answer with a mouth full of toothpicks and cotton:

So what have you been doing all summer?

Ugh ish ucking urts, ou're oking ee with a ford

Do you own dental floss?

Ugh ourshe I ucking on't, ooo do ooo ink I yam, assatt

Just say when it starts to hurt


Don't be shy, just say it when starts.

Tooth whitening or how Dentists pay for their new BMW[edit | edit source]

It is impossible to leave the dentist's office without hearing this question, "Have you ever considered tooth whitening?" This is a very carefully crafted question that warrants examination. The dentist is not suggesting you actually need whitening. He knows he can rely on every human's vulnerability and self esteem to immediately sucker you into paying for this unnecessary procedure. In this way the dentist has no guilt of breaking the hypocritical oath of "do no harm." He has simply asked a question. A question he knows will begin a conversation about yellow teeth. Maybe humans aren't supposed to have teeth 12 shades whiter than the whites of their eyes. Maybe yellow teeth are, god forbid, normal. However, it is too easy to prey upon human self consciousness. This is especially true in the case of young single women who are already bombarded on a daily basis with magazine covers, porn, television, and movies. Not only are they constantly comparing their breasts to every girl they see. Now they are comparing their teeth to every person they see. When the dentist sees a girl in his chair, you can almost see the dollar signs flash in his eyes. Then, he suckers her in like oh so many before her. Girls, you're boobs can never be big enough, and your teeth can never be white enough, so please quit while you're ahead.

Tooth whitening is a cosmetic procedure and is thus not covered by Dental insuraNce. Patients pay for it out of their own pocket. Dentists have already invested in the tooth whitening products so they are more than anxious to start offsetting the initial start up costs they have incurred.

Seinfeld and Dentists[edit | edit source]

What do you call a doctor who flunks out of med school? A dentist. Always check to see if you're shirt is tucked or untucked before going under the anesthesia at the dentist. You may wake up untucked and then you're damaged goods. Also, anti-dentites believe dentists should have their own schools.

See also[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]