3rd Dental Battalion

Founding

The Third Dental Battalion of the American military was founded for the purposes of controlling rampant scurvy outbreaks in the armed forces (and Congress), as well as general dental upkeep, humanitarian action, and other such boring jobs. They were founded on April 27, 1846, better known to people everywhere as “Third Dental Battalion Day”. President Zachary Taylor is credited with signing the bill known as “The Scurvy Reform Act”, with this somehow being the most exciting moment of his political career, and, indeed, his sad life.

This is what peak performance looks like.

The first commander of the Third Dental Battalion was the daring and intrepid Vice Under-Secretary John B. O’Macmulliganohickey, referred to as Captain Forehead by everyone since that meanie Billy called him that in second grade. Vice Under-Secretary O’Mcmulliganohickey would go on to a successful political career after his retirement from the military, and would cite his days with the Third Dental Battalion as the most glorious days of his life.

Action

Action in the Civil War

The Third Dental Battalion first saw action in the Battle of Shiloh, where the better-flossed Union troops were able to edge the cavity-ridden Confederates. This key support earned the Third Dental Battalion a great feeling of accomplishment, and everyone was a winner.

Action in the Spanish American War

Often overlooked in favor of the Rough Riders, the Fluoriders were just as effective during the Battle of San Juan Hill, and had 20% less gingivitis. Every schoolchild learns the tale of Teddy Roosevelt and his trusty dentists, and how they rode up San Juan Hill through a hail of bullets to bring American dental technology to the people of Cuba. The Fluoriders were later awarded the bronze star as a unit for their actions that fateful day.

Crowds cheer the return of the Third Dental Battalion

Action in World War Two

Many a historian has remarked on the valor of the Third Dental Battalion at Omaha Beach. Giving no regard to the storm of ordinance around them and the screams of the dying, their tactical brushing paved the way for the allied advance and ultimately, victory. Upon returning to the states, the Third Dental Battalion was hailed as heroes by multitudes of orally healthy admirers.

Action in the Vietnam War

The Elite Hygiene Commandos, a specialized branch of the Third Dental Battalion, was used for covert operations in Vietnam. Their most notable use was in Operation Incisor, which sought to subvert North Vietnamese military efforts with strategic orthodontia.

Present Day

The current missions of the Third Dental Battalion are strictly classified.

Sub-Units

Sub-units of the Third Dental Battalion include the Mechanized Orthodontic Surgery Company, the Twelfth Airborne Dentistry Specialists, and the Elite Hygiene Commandos.

Conclusion

9/10 experts say the Third Dental Battalion is one of the most formidable fighting forces of all time.

The Great Emblem of the Third Dental Battalion.