Trombone

A tiny picture of a trombone. This is proof no one cares for trombones.

The trombone is a member of the brass family of band class. Absolutely nobody cares for it because the trumpet exists.

History

In the beginning there was only light, then god created the first instruments, the flute and clarinet. These instruments were intended to embody wholesomeness and beauty, but god soon realized he had made a mistake as they were much too high, and hurt his ears. The clarinet and flute squealed and squealed so loud in fact that god created the tuba to cover the noise with its low soft drone. It was then that god had realized his mistake, the tuba was itself much too quiet to mask the squealing of the first instruments, the tuba simply added a low drone to the already chaotic squealing mess god had created. Next followed the horns, oboes, piccolos, and various other instruments, but none could mask the horrible sound, and simply added to it. God then created the trumpet, as a solution to all other instruments. The trumpet was supposed to blast so loud, and be so sure of themselves that they would not even look to play in harmony, but simply to blow all other instruments out of existence. Sadly this was also a mistake, the trumpet blasted so loudly when it was first created god lost his hearing in one ear. At that moment it was known that god would need a better solution. He then created the trombone. It was the first weapon of mass destruction ever created, and its powerful blasts along with powerful slide were used to push all of the instrument out of heaven in a blast of music so loud that god decided that he better retire. God sent down the trombone to earth to keep the instruments out of heaven forever. That is the divine purpose of the trombone, to play so loudly that none of the other instruments can ever make their way back into heaven to disturb god's peaceful quiet retirement.

Description

The trombone is made up of two distinct parts. The slide, which is used for manipulating pitch, and delivering forceful blows, and the bell, from which the deafening roar of the trombone emerges. The trombone also has one more weapon at its disposal. The trombone creates a massive amount of spit while played, so when the spit valve is emptied spit flied out and can be used as a nonviolent deterrent, although the U.N. categorises it as a biological weapon.

They are the most consistently flat instruments in the entire ensemble, except when there are multiple of them where most are flat but one is infuriatingly sharp. This has lead to band geeks playing Trombone Roulette to determine who to kick out as the band director tunes the entire band to be flat.

How To Roast Tromboners

Tell them that in order to change notes on their instruments, they have to jerk it off..

See Also

• Boner
• Tuba
• Trombone hero
• Band geeks
• This:

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