HowTo:Make a Band
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Bored during your holidays? Can't get the girls? Got a lot of money? Are you standing around in an empty garage with a bunch of other people all of whom are looking at you as if wondering what you're going to do next? Well then...
Why don't you start a Band?
Yeah, you won't be very good, but it stops you from being bored, it will waste your money (better than spending it on drugs), and you'll have a 1% increase of getting a girl (but only if you play a tuned instrument.)
- 1 Step One: Choosing your Instrument
- 2 Step Two: Learn to Play
- 3 Step Three: Pick Your Genre
- 4 Step Four: Choose a Name
- 5 Step Five: Recruit Members
- 6 Step Six: Harvest some popularity
- 7 The Final Step: Rehearse>Get Good>Play Shows>Get Signed>Profit!
- 8 Things to Consider
- 9 Footnotes
Step One: Choosing your Instrument
When you are choosing your instrument, you have to pick the one that is the coolest. In most cases this is the electric triangle. However, you should also keep in mind that the Vocalist gets all the credit for the band's success, even if he doesn't write any of the lyrics or songs, by virtue of the fact that he is the front man. But, the triangle is really cool too. It goes "ding!!!" and everything. It's a good conversation piece and easy to carry. So what if the lead guitarist gets laid all the time? He doesn't have a triangle to stroke at night.
Vocals - The cheapest of the options and brings the most fame. The disadvantage is that you need to be good, you can not pull off lack of skill with this.
Rhythm Guitar - You get to play chords and other stupid shit no one cares about.
Keyboard - These people usually think they are better than the band itself. They occasionally play another instrument as well.
Bass Guitar - Dont be stereotypical, jeez bassists play awesome solos in plenty of bands check out Primus or Rush, it also balances out and structures the music, although we get jipped constantly
Drums - You get to bash shit. What else is needed?
Step Two: Learn to Play
- Hold pick
- Push down fret
- Pluck string
- Get chicks
- Push down fret
- Pluck (with finger) up, because you're too cool to pluck down.
- Picks are for
losersa sharper sound or more accented notes.
- The chicks dig 'Slap Bass'. Do it as much as possible (without being kicked out of the band)
- Hold drumsticks
- Hit stuff
- Say words as melodically as possible.
- If words fail you, use vowels and consonants.
- Make orgasmic noises
- Hold the bell
- Hit the bell
- Learn basic chord.
- Learn to open your fingers (if you want to become a lead type keyboardist)
- Wear sunglasses. It doesn't help you musically, but makes you seem more competent.
Step Three: Pick Your Genre
Deciding what genre you play is very important. It will decide whether the fans will like you, and what kind of fans you get. For example, if you decide to play Goth music, expect to get socially undesirable people turning up to your shows (though their girlfriends are unbelievably hot. And batshit insane). But, you can't go from one extreme to the other, if you decide to play pop-punk music, expect 12 year olds to turn up. Ideally, you should make your own genre from a combination of existing genres, that way people 20 or 30 years in the future will say, "Man, (insert your band name here) was the greatest punk emocore polka rap progressive death metal band of all time," and nobody will disagree, since there's no competition in your genre.
- Punk Elephants
- Heavy Metal
- Extreme Melodic Brutal Drone Symphonic Progressive Blackened Power Folk Sludge Post-Metal
- All the sub-genres of Extreme Melodic Brutal Drone Symphonic Progressive Blackened Power Folk Sludge Post-Metal
- Extreme Melodic Brutal Drone Symphonic Progressive Blackened Power Folk Sludge Post-Metal
- Big Band Swing
- Post-Industrial Death core Reggae
- Pre-Post-Industrial Death core Reggae Jive Dancin' Big Band Swing
- Post-Industrial Death core Polka
- Pre-Post-Industrial Death core Polka Jive Dancin' Big Band Swing
- Hard-Core Polka
- Murder Mystery
- Frank Zappa
These are listed the most popular genres, so for God's sake don't choose one of them. In fact, don't choose any of them. We already have enough of these bands, so a bad replica of these genres will make the genre even worse than it already is.
Step Four: Choose a Name
Choosing a name will be one of the hardest things to do, aside from playing, writing songs, choosing members, rehearsing, getting the drummer out of prison and organizing shows.
You need to choose something snappy that people will remember. For example, calling your band "Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice wouldn't be a very good idea (unless you plan on playing pretentious indie rock, in which case "Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice" is quite possibly the best name ever). It also helps if the band name can be shortened by supporters; this way, they can just say "DRVHSNDOCBIVDSGFEHWFWCUDDBOSLONI" when they want to mention your band in everyday conversation.
Another way of creating a good band name is by taking the word "cutting" and placing the first noun you can think of after it. "Cutting Wrists," "Cutting Corners," "Cutting Carrots," and "Cutting Foreskin" are good examples of the success of this method.
Great names for a band
- The Beatles
- The Rolling Stones
- The Jackson 5
- Led Zeppelin
- Pink Floyd
- Dream Theater
- My Chemical Romance
- Fleecewool Sack
- The Band
WARNING: Almost all of these names have been taken, using these band names could result in a court case
But if you want something a bit more original, try Emo Phillips' Instant Emo Name GeneratorTM
Step Five: Recruit Members
You probably go to (or have dropped out of) some school. In all likelihood, there probably will be some people there that are willing to join your band. First, find some hot ass chick to be your lead singer. If you can't, any guy with sunglasses and a pierced lip will do. But if you really want your band to succeed, you need to find an Iranian guy to join. Preferably one with a beard. Yeah...
How to recruit
Many potentially great bands have disbanded because of lack of appeal. If your band doesn't have a good image, or a good name, people will not want to join your band.
However, by using these detailed techniques I have provided for you, you can normally  get anyone you want to join your band.
So, you've seen a person, who would look great in your band, but you don't know what to say to him?
What to say to potential members
Once you've scoped out a potential member, approach him.
Well, you are in luck! I have prepared a scenario diagram to help you. Begin by asking him the first question.
Do not let the Singer/Bassist say no, and give them the details anyway. It will make them think that you misheard them and go in pity.
If you want to add another member that is not on the diagram,
then you are stupid use the Bassist/Singer scenario.
Any mention of the word "Triangle" or the phrase "I play Triangle" walk away, just walk away. Unless, of course, it is one of the rare electric triangles. If this is the case, get them in your band at any cost, including your virginity.
Failing this just press R1 and then up while pointing an automatic weapon at them, if they refuse ventilate them.
Step Six: Harvest some popularity
Face it. Getting recognized is hard, but luckily, there is a solution. Make an article about your band on Wikipedia, and stand back! We promise that within the hour, your band article will both get its very own template and become a hot topic of discussion.
If those admins at Wikipedia don't let you keep your new page there,, due to lack of importance, don't let it get to you! They are just trying to bring you down as they are jealous, just go straight over to good old reliable Myspace. Doing this however, can result in a loss of your Soul, the amount/lack of friends you have, will get to your head.
The Final Step: Rehearse>Get Good>Play Shows>Get Signed>Profit!
This step should be completed within about 6 months. If it isn't working by then, ditch your band members, as they are obviously holding you back.
Things to Consider
Below are some points that will help you gain success.
The Do's and Don'ts of being in a band
- Suck up to people that are more famous than you - This is the easy way of getting respect. Also, by doing this, gives you the opportunity to join their band if one of their members die.
- Wear matching polo necked Aran jumpers - This is where the Beatles went wrong. If they'd worn matching polo necked Aran Jumpers, they'd probably still be playing today. In Hamburg.
- Breathe - There is nothing worse than forgetting to breathe. This will bring in bad publicity and people will stop buying the "band who's guitarist died because he forgot to breathe"'s new album.
- Play/Make Music - Otherwise, what's the point in being in a band. You may also get a few
threateningphone calls from your record label, telling you to leave the drugs alone and start earning your money.
- Estimate what a tune costs to put together* See the chart below that outlines costs (in terms of time, effort, frustration, etc) that spells out pretty much what it costs to learn a tune that's "new to everybody" (your mileage may vary). For instance, take for fact that it takes one talented musician one arbitrary unit of time to learn one song. Lets use that unit of time to see what it would take several musicians to learn it total:
Number of Tunes
Musicians 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
One 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 (well, now that stands to reason, doesn't it)
Two 3 6 9 12 15 18 21
Three 7 14 21 28 35 42 49
Four 15 30 45 60 75 80 95
Five 31 62 93 124 155 166 193
- Sell out - This is one of the worst things you can do, unless you are willing to sell your dignity for money (you're in this to cure boredom, remember?). Except for gaining another 4 million fans, there is
also financialno gain in doing this. Moreover, these fans are not in with the music scene, and will buy your album just for that one song .
- Let a song be used for an advert -
Being forced intoAllowing one of your songs to be used in an Ad is bad for your image. As soon as you do that, you will be known as "that band that does that iPod advert". So, U2 are currently working their way back up to where they were.
- Release only 1 good song - These are classed as 1 hit wonders , or just a band that couldn't be bothered to stay loyal to their "fans".
- Kill your fellow members - Not only does this ruin the band , but could result in some kind of court case. Apparently it's against the law. However, if everything is going bad you may kill yourself to increase your popularity and boost record sales.
Contradicting Popular Belief: You can't enjoy your new found fame if you kill yourself.
- Start acting better than everyone - This one is kinda obvious. Everyone actually does have a good part in a band. (Except the Triangle player) Don't ruin a good band because you got a swelled head. Guitarists might find this hard; drummers on the other hand won't have that hard of a time.
- Be original - Where's the originality in that?
What to do once you've found your fame?
So you've got a great band, and you're making more money than God. What's next?
- Please note that any money spent on the band, ( this includes instruments, drugs and prostitutes, ) will not be returned if you do not "make it" in the Music Business.
- Leave drugs for the moment, once you become famous it becomes acceptable.
- This scenario has been tried and tested over 100 times, however they all failed.
- These people.
- For example, Green Day, American Idiot., post reunion. Do not forget about Blink-182
- For example, Jimi Hendrix, had only one Billboard Top 40 hit. You haven't even heard of him have you? Exactly.
- Why Kurt, Dave? Why couldn't you have killed Krist instead, he wasn't needed. A bassist can be replaced!