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Goths are known to be self-sufficient farmers.

The Goths were a violent East Germanic tribe of barbarians who proved to be a great nuisance for the Roman Empire[1] from the 1970s to 1990s, primarily with their bad taste in music and dark eyeliner. [2].

Origins And Early History[edit | edit source]

The origin of the Goth tribe is described by Michaelus Jordanes in his 'Gothica':[3]

"You surely remember that in the beginning I[who?] said [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] the Goths went forth from the bosom of the island of Gothisatani with Berik, their king, sailing in only three ships toward the hither shore of Ocean, namely to Raidgothikland. One of these three ships proved to be slower than the others, as is usuaoooooœœlly the case, causing the crew of that ship to burst into hysterical whining, and thus is said to have given the Emo tribe, the whimpy offshoot of the Gothic tribe, their name, from in their language "Imawuss" which means 'Miserables Degenerates'".

Once in their new homes, the Goths soon lost what little unity they had and became bitter rivals trying to prove that their group were 'True Goths' and the others were really Crap-Saddo Couturists [4].

By the 1990s the Goths were divided into separate sub-tribes; the Romantigoths are found most commonly within Victorian England or between the pages of a particularly rambling poetry book, the Deathrockigoths lived in their local club (only ever found to be venturing out of their natural habitat in the instance of a large fire or natural disaster), The Tradi-Goths living in The Great Batcave (Infamous for their big hair and pointy boots), Pagan-Goths living in Lalaland, and the Minigothic kingdom was made in China. Two other Goth groups - the Ruritanigoths or Ostrogoths - who later ended up in Ruritania ( Ostrogothreich in Ruritanische) - and the Visagoths who eventually moved to Spain to work in bars serving 'Sangria Azul' - Blue Blood Wine. A bit rare these days - most restaurants only provide the familiar Sangria Rosa - so remember to ask next time you are there. These Visagoths are sometimes hard to spot as they usually wear summery clothes to 'fit in' but if they have black eyeliner or studs through their lips you'll know them - they are the most secretive Goths but remember to check if they have valid Visas[5].

The South American Fascist state of Chile is under a false impression that they are of Gothic ancestry, but don't tell that to the Swedes or they will kick their Neo-Nazi brown mestizo butts in the most severe fashion.

Kinds of Goths in Gothic society[edit | edit source]

The lesser known Gothic Folk Muso

There are several types of goths in the different tribes[6]:

  1. Gawff- the common status of Goths, and by far the most numerous. Are usually farmers of gawffmuffins, a which is their main source of trade.
  2. Gothic Warriors - The backbone of the Gothic military force, they often spend their time battling Mallgoths, fools or the Prepæ and especially Chavi, often by leaving their local nightclub home and invading a Mall. They are very organized, few can escape them with their dignity intact. They are such non-conformists that given the absence of traditional Anti-Goth enemies, they are known to turn on themselves and engage in civil in-fighting.
  3. Übergoths - These are the true patriots of the Gothic way. They [who?] will dress to the nines just to go out to get some milk at two in the morning (however, this is not early for them as Übergoths do not need to sleep. They survive on a combination of black coffee, cigarettes and narcotics). They are the nobility of the Gothic peoples.
  4. Eldergoths and the Goði - These ancient ones were often once Übergoths, and usually date back to the Mid or early 80's, the oldest of whom even go back to the late 70's. They usually don't leave their castles and live wise hermit-like lives, writing poetry as well as reading Poe and Lovecraft, in between throwing obscure quotations about left right and center, whilst hiding the beergut acquired from their younger clubbing ways. When the Gothic nations face great turmoil it is them who all will turn to for their wise advice.
  5. Goths do not believe in 5 as their God, Wodanaz, does not like it... for some reason.
  6. Kindergoths - Kindergoth, or Gothling, is the name for a child in the Gothic lands; they are sometimes affectionately known as Baby Bats. Kindergoths usually show great promise some day but in their naive youth often listen to crappy Industrial or Metal. However usually their Goth parent will steer them in the right direction: the leis of Bauhaus II, the epic sagas of Rozzaric Wilhelms The Christian Death-Bringer and SoM. Sometimes also called Sexgang Children, as a derogatory term. Young Goths can also be referred to as Über-Kindergoths if they are at an age where they fight in battle.
  7. Spʉkikids - Often when a Kindergoths is in his teenage years he still cannot escape from the clutches of Poseur-dom, which usually results in a teenager masquerading that they are listening to The Mission UK, when in actuality they are listening to Cradle of Filth.
  8. Week-olds or New-Bloods - the derogatory name given to new Goths in the beginning of a transition or that look like they have only been 'Goth' for a week. This is acceptable for Kindergoths and is considered for all intents and purposes, to be 'cute'. However when they reach a certain age Goths can be shunned for looking like this.
  9. Invisigoths- Shadowy Goths that no one seems to notice; the spies of the Gothic tribes.
  10. Trenchcoat Goths - They wear trench coats and listen to metal. Fingerless gloves optional. Due to a certain high-tempered episode of free mass organ ventilation, goths try to distance themselves from them.
  11. BDSM Goths - Attempts to fit into another subculture that are more acceptable to mainstream society.
  12. Butter Troll- A lardass subspecies of goth, known for the smell of Cheetos and failure. The Butter Troll is the secret weapon of the Gothic hordes - when unleashed the Butter Troll will eat anything in its path...including other Goths!
  13. Black Goths or Niggoths- Very rare and uncommon but Black goths are by far the most powerful. They do not like fried chicken or Kool-aide (not only because it would be conformist to do so, but also because they are Vegetarians) and are huge snobs. They tease poor people, because they're funny, and hate almost everyone (Emos, Preps, Normies, Jocks) besides other goths. A famous Niggoth is the old dude that beat the shit out of Alex in A Clockwork Orange.
  14. Goth Girls - the non-conformist female ranks of Goth, both loved and feared at once by Gothmen. The fairest of these can further be subdivided into categories of: Hildegoths, Brunnegoths, Blondegoths, and Ghettogoths. Also rarer, the dreaded toothless, obese, monstrous grotesqueries known as Gothmahoth, commonly known as "fishcows" or "white whales" by those dastard conformists uninitiated in Gothick affairs.

Mallgoths[edit | edit source]

Misery M. Misery, the Princess of the Goth Girls.

Most historians believe the first Mallgoths may have been descended from the Romantigoths, and have brought much shame to the Romantigoths with this theory[7]. These Mallgoths where groups of young rebellious Kindergoths and Spʉkikids who did not heed the word of the wise old Eldergoths. They had a violent revolution which resulted in the death of King Rozzaric Wilhelms The Christian Death-Bringer. Outraged the Gothic peoples banded together and drove out all of these "rebels" dubbing them posers and branding their buttocks with the letter P. These posers would wander the lands for a whole 10 minutes before stumbling upon a mall. In that mall they lived, eating from the food courts and preying on unsuspecting Hollister shoppers. Soon they found refuge in a store called Hot Topic. Their kings arose, all form the great Nu-Metal and Industrial bands. Soon The Mallgoth lord Marilynatharic of Manson arose. Marilynatharic is the king of the Mallgoths to this day, and has been for 15 long years. Some say that Marilynatharic is undying, and shall forever. He urges peoples from the neighboring Kingdoms to hop on board with whatever is trendy with the angst-ridden Mallgoths, and then pay him tribute so he can feed his vast fortune[8].

The Mallgoths can be identified by their Hot Topic attire, often Baggy Asshole pants and sneakers as opposed to the leather/vinyl/PVC and pointy boots of the true Goths of the past. They are also fond of wearing their own ass as a hat, usually commemorating the former Mallgoth King only known as His Infernal Majesty, as well as makeup, like semen. They are known to put ridiculous amounts of poorly applied make up on, often in attempt to mimic The Crow, a hero from the Gothic sagas. This dates back to the era when those Kindergoths and Spʉkikids where being raised, and The Crow was instilled in them by true Goths like the great Goði Jamelanic Obarracar at a young age. They can often commonly be seen wearing tee shirts dedicated to Nu-Metal and Industrial bands like Slipknot, and Combichrist, who they will claim is Goth but is actually from another tribe entirelly[9].

The following is a chart explaining the difference between Goth, and Mallgoth/Mallcore/Cyber/FauxEmo/wannabe.

Goth Mallgoth/Mallcore FauxEmo Cyber
Smokes Cloves Claims to do pot and brags about it on the internet Claims to be "Straight Edge" Injects self because they saw it on VF
Wears Pointy Boots or knee high platform boots over skinny jeans Wears obnoxiously large boots under tripp pants Wears Vans and or Converses Wears obnoxiously large PVC boots
Listens to Bauhaus and SoM Listens to MM and HIM Listens to Sunny Day Real Estate Listens to obscure and awful EBM techno shit (and calls it Industrial)
Has teased Hrothberht Smiþ esque hair or a Deathhawk Is wearing a HIM beany Has some lame outdated fringe Is always wearing obnoxious huge colorful fake Cyberdreads
Wears finely applied makeup Wears ridiculous amounts of awful make up in Crow or CoF patterns Eyeliner (so 2005 amirite?) Wears huge ridiculous looking Goggles
Wears Fishnets or Homemade Christian Death or Siouxsie shirts Wears KoRn and Evanescance Tee shirts bought from Hot Topic Also wears shitty post-hardcore and pop punk band shirts bought from Hot Topic Wears whatever "FuckTheMainstream" is selling as a shirt
Wears Pleather or Leather pants, or homemade/customized jeans much like Dænælf Æsce Wears Stupid looking jeans or Tripp Pants with pointless amounts of chains Wears super tight hot topic jeans Also wears stupid Tripp Pants with pointless amounts of chains
Is obsessed with Rozzaric Wilhelms and Andrew Eldritch Is obsessed with Marilynatharic of Manson and Ville Valo Is obsessed with Billie Joe Armstrong Is obsessed with Timoric Skold
Evolved from punk in the late 70's and really died in the 90's, but needs to die, legit goths are the worst goths. Was the result of Goth bands not being in the mainstream, but Goth stereotypes remaining in the mainstream. Reached height in late 90's/early 2000's. Resulted from a bunch of fame craving cunts who sold out, and then had their corporate label use some random genre name, and picked Emotive Hardcore which died in the 90's, and used it to get stupid teenagers to buy their shit. Died somewhere around 2008 but we got the Scene kids, almost as bad. Resulted from Goth losing it's touch in the 90's so a bunch of people played EBM to draw more people in, and the poor little children got confused. And then started

Culture[edit | edit source]

King Plastaric of the minigoths was known for his collection of toupées and wigs.

Gothic culture is notorious for its themes of dark and macabre humor, fashion, and music, the latter which was very prominent in Gothic culture[10]. Many historians[11] have described Gothic culture as having a dark romanticism theme to it and being very creepy overall. Black attire, often which also has spikes, are casually worn by both men and women. Dark colored clothing has an apparent sexual appeal in Gothic culture, and could include anyone in black, whether it is male or female, provided, that is that the Goth in question is distinguishable from his or her shadow.

Dark eyeliner was also very popular amongst both sexes in Gothic culture, as was the color Blood Red. It is a well known fact that all Goths wear boots large and heavy enough to reduce your feet to 1nm fleshy pancakes if you are unfortunate to meet a particularly clumsy Goth, or are brave stupid enough to insult their abysmal wonderful taste in music.

Loud, heavy music consisting of Goth/Batcave/Deathrock/Gothic Rock/Darkwave/Horror Punk/Psychobilly/Gothabilly is favorable to the Goths, as well as anything considered dark and creepy or of a Gothic theme.

Goths are known for having a diverse religion, varying from Heathenism, and Atheism, Zoroastrianism and even Aryan Christianity. They were noted as having a cultural fixation with silver symbols of the Agnostic/Pagan/Satanic/Wiccan varieties.

An ancient portrait depiction of the legendary and renowned Gothic King "Rozzaric Wilhelms, the Christian Death-Bringer."

Role of Women in Gothic society[edit | edit source]

Indisputable photographic evidence of an attractive Goth female (who unfortunately isn't Siouxsie Sioux).

Gothic women sometimes spend months fashioning corsets, and other clothing for one event. Gothic women are also known for spending hours on making dreads (if they are Cybergoths - who should, by the way, go to trance parties and attack their colorful hippie counterparts for not being 'Goth' enough). They are also known to spend thousands of dollars on one pair of boots. They share a common trait with modern women in that for any event of n hours in length, they will take at least 2n hours to prepare, dress, and get made-up for it[12].

Individuality[edit | edit source]

Individuality does not exists in Gothic cultures; however, Goths will find it hard to spot. There are thousands of Gothic tribes out there that dress in only black and maybe it's because they fear other colors, but they don't want to be seen as a different individual aside from their companions, much like trying to difference a sheep from another. Attire for females is usually big wannabe Siouxsie Sioux hair, torn black jeans or black skirt, fishnet or red and black stockings, massive black commando boots (or possible long pointy boots made for kicking poseurs in the crotch) and some sort of random word or picture sewed onto the SoM band shirt they all wear. Male Goths do not look and sound the same as their female counterparts (unlike the Emos), they generally wear black, and they usually have medium-long hair (often done in some outrageous style or another), along with spiked dog collars and large, heavy, studded arm braces or wimpy spiked bracelets that keep slipping off because they bought them too big, but were to lazy to go back and exchange them. Swords and saxes are also worn. Both sexes may also have a Deathhawk or Devillock of some kind. Not known why, but they all follow the same rules.

Gothic society is more uniformed than individual; however, Gothic nobility and clergy usually dress in finer clothes than their vassals.

Typical Gothic male.

Fears[edit | edit source]

Goths fear no man and death in battle is an honor. Their major enemies are the Chavi tribe[13] and the Emoæ tribe[14], whom they have come in conflict with many times. One such battle with the Chavi resulted in the death of the Gothic King Manseric I[15] and the Chavi King Howman II.

Goths, living in a tribe based on great deeds and winnings, fear disgrace. A disgraced Goth will usually sacrifice himself to the Gothic Gods, kill himself, sell himself into slavery or leave the Gothic tribe and become a ranger in Middle-Earth. A good example of the Gothic fear of dishonor is the tale of Plastaric. Plastaric was "a most warlike little bugger" who eventually commits suicide, facing the aggression of the Alansheari and of the Hungrihippos, who invaded his territories.

Religion[edit | edit source]

Although all religions have adherents among the Gothic people, Goths also have one uniquely their own. Its a form of ancestor worship centered around the great Goth kings, who are considered Gods, and referred to reverently as My Immortal. The most prominent deified Gothic hero would be Rozzaric Wilhelms, the Christian Death-Bringer. The other most prominent belief amongst the Gothic people is that of Wodanaz, usually referred too by his epiteth The One-Eyeliner because... well he had one eye and wore eyeliner like most Goths.

This religion also has its own clergy, the great Goði. These Goth priests can be recognized by their hats (usually top hats) which they never take off. Unknown to most this is to commemorate the self sacrifice with which they kept dying and teasing their hair until it would grow no more. All for the greater glory of the Goth kings legacy. Unlike medieval monks Goth priests never show this spot, cause vanity is one of the virtues they value most. These people are important to Gothic society as the great make-up sessions and piercings are overseen by them.

The reigning Goth king always has a Goði high priest as an adviser. At this moment the seat of the Gothic high priest is filled by Franciscus the Baptist. He was selected because of the shiny quality of his honored bald spot.

Religious Feasts[edit | edit source]

The most important religious feast in the Goth religion in the yearly pilgrimage to Leipzig[16]. There they congregate with many other tribes, both friendly and hostile. They lay down before in worship before the Goth kings of past and present. And pit their skills against each other in the arts of showing off. When it's hot weather, the Goth chick with the outfit with the most fabric and that has the biggest hoop skirt is usually considered the winner.

Gothic Bible[edit | edit source]

Contrary to the belief of some recent scholars, Goths are not afraid of The Bible; in fact a Gothic translation of The Bible does exist[17]:

atta unsar þu in himinam,
weihnai namo þein.
qimai þiudinassus þeins
wairþai wilja þeins
swe in himina jah ana airþai
hlaif unsarana þana sinteinan gif uns himma daga
jah aflet uns þatei skulans sijaima,
swaswe jah weis afletam þaim skulam unsaraim
jah ni briggais uns in fraistubnjai
ak lausei uns af þamma ubilin;
unte þeina ist þiudangardi jah mahts jah wulþus in aiwins


So, what do I know about makeup?
I make all these crappy clothes myself
Yeah, I know...not all Goths like Marilyn Manson
Funny you should say that
I am sorry I can't go out tonight, I feel happy
Twilight is blasphemy
Metallica aren't real Goths, mate!
No, you can't copy my look
So, it's Whitby again this month?
I am sorry you can't come back until your suntan has faded
Funny you should say that again, again
Freakin' normies...

The Great Gothic Kings[edit | edit source]

Below is a list of the most famous and fiercest Gothic leaders. All Gothic kings acted as priests and generals to the Gothic nation. The list stretches from the reign of the first Kings Berik and Bauhaus I, who led their people from the island of Gothisatani to the infamous Steviniks, who sacked Rome [18] [19]

  • Berik The Bad-Bowled
  • Bauhaus I
  • Joygild of Divisionlond
  • Rozzaric Wilhelms, the Christian Death-Bringer.
  • Nik The Fiendish
  • Siouxsie of the Sioux
  • Vendemmian - The King of Drink
  • Satanic X
  • seanbegotten
  • Plastaric
  • Hrothberht Smiþ
  • Andarek Eldritch, or as he is known by the enlightened "The Abdicated".
  • About a hundred guys that sang and played just like Andarek Eldritch, commonly known as the "Gothic Rock Empire" or as those who dislike it call the "Drum Machine Regime"
  • Some Generic Deffrawker
  • Satanic IX
  • Dawf Gahanaz
  • Xristau Iesu (famous for being the first to state Blessed Be)

References[edit | edit source]

  1. see Marcus Aurelius's Meditations: Years In A Yoga Retreat. Hexham University Press, 670 AD
  2. see Alan Alda's Goth Make-Up Tips: Homosexuality In The Gothic Community. Oxford University Press, 1979 AD
  3. Michaelus Jordanes's Gothica: The Organ Donations And Creed of The Goths. Kenton Editions, 780 AD
  4. The Cure
  12. see St. Bede's History of Gothic Make-Up. Jarrow Press, 870 AD
  16. see Amalric's PilgrFile: Religion, Eating Bats and Eyeliner. Reithgotaland Press limited, AD. 1991
  17. see St Wulfila's Bible . Reithgotaland Press limited, AD. 547
  19. see Alaric's Sex, Drugs And The Sacking of Rome: An Autobiography. Reithgotaland Press limited, AD. 491

See also[edit | edit source]

Preceded by:
Embarrassing Teenage Fads
1981 - 2002
Succeeded by: