Dirge
A dirge is miserable music, typically a funereal piece or, rarely, the song that led to that funeral. The term is derived from the Latin dirige ("suicide music"). Written mostly in a minor key, it contains many flats and a few sharps but very little note variation – the exact opposite of happy happy joy joy. A dirge can be played by various instruments of low to middle range such as bagpipes, but it is usually sung a capella by goth men who can produce that same baritone drone.
History[edit | edit source]
Origin[edit | edit source]
The dirge was invented in medieval England during the black death. It was originally a symptom of the disease, to wit the groaning which hailed the onset of giant, filthy, pustulent buboes in the groin. The groaning, transcribed by monks and sung in unison at funerals, served as a homeopathic inoculation for the public.
Cohen[edit | edit source]
People forgot about the dirge over time, as it was too boring and tuneless to remember. Nobody outside the Catholic Church and those directly involved with funerals really cared until 1963, when Leonard Cohen contracted a mild form of bubonic plague. As Cohen lay sweating buckets of bile through the sheets, depressing sounds started dribbling from his mouth. When he had recovered, he decided to sing them in public – just to see if anybody was actually paying attention. His songs were an instant success, appealing to certain depressive types and overly emotional women.
In modern culture[edit | edit source]
The dirge is popular with people who feel empathy towards groans, and entire sub-cultures have been founded right up to the present emo. Lovers of classical music buy this kind of monastic chanting without realizing, and later wonder why they were then drawn to wear black and buy tickets to see The Sisters of Mercy.
The church keeps many monastic and archaic dirges, most of which they dare not allow to escape their monasteries for fear of a gothic revolution. In architecture, many medieval cathedrals and churches were built in the gothic style, which is no mere coincidence.
Leonard Cohen inspired many young angst-ridden minds in the early days; and these young minds grew up to be known as goths and Morrissey. Goth is therefore synonymous with dirge. And all related music and culture.
Disambiguation: the word dirge is also used as an insult in MMORPGs, and the term in World of Warcraft derives from a low-grade epic dagger made by blacksmiths which was utilized by noob rogues in the TBC expansion. This abuse of the word is not acceptable.