Winslet fatalism

Oh geez. I'm so depressed right now. Dammit.

“All shall love me and despair. They damn well better! Want me, I am tease!”

– Kate Winslet on men

Winslet fatalism is a school of thought whose subscribers (twenty percent are male) have come to the realization that they will never, ever, be with actress Kate Winslet and therefore there is no point in living. The philosophy had floated around the ether for several years, but it was officially founded as a movement by Steve T. Moses of Mediocre Britain in 1999 after accidentally catching the last half of the film Titanic on HBO. Or, to be more precise, right after the scene where Winslet poses nude.

I once saw Kate Winslet on the street, followed her home, looked in her window, and dashed off a sketch.

Arguments

The argument upon which Winslet fatalism is built is called the Winslet argument and goes as follows:

• Her feet are monstrous as well as ugly. Pedicurists have actually died trying to treat her. She paints her toenails with paint rollers and spray cans. She wears boots to hide her hideous and oversized feet, as well as her toxic foot odor. Steer clear. If you're willing to give Kate Winslet a foot massage—her feet are actually bigger than she is, bigger than the rest of her entire body—she may let you. But she won't give you the time of day otherwise. She may step on you afterwards and crush you the way Godzilla would the villagers of Tokyo.

• She has overflowing bosoms. Breasts that can only be contained by the kind of bras they put on cars.

• If you're ill and call a doctor, Kate Winslet will not fall in love with you.

• Likewise, if you're ill and don't call a doctor, Kate Winslet will not fall in love with you.

• Therefore, there's no point in calling a doctor—Kate Winslet still won't know you exist.

• If you want Kate Winslet to know you exist, you have to be a man who is already married or engaged. Actually, then she may have sex with you and fall in love with you according to the characters she plays in movies.

• When Kate Winslet was a child she was fat and ugly, and no one knew she existed. She always thought—someday it'll be different ...

This argument was controversial for quite a number of years, but now it is widely accepted as truth. Entertainment Weekly called it the Most Depressing Truth of 2005. It is also taught at universities around the world along with other philosophies that will screw with your head.

Cults

For a small fee, payable to the Winslet Trailer Fatalists Foundation, you can be allowed to fantasize.

There have been millions of cults centered around Winslet fatalism throughout the world, with memberships totaling one each. However, there have also been some larger organizations.

In 2005 smelly homeless lunatic Randall C. Murphy started the Winslet Trailer Fatalists, or WTF. WTF, an offshoot of Murphy's multimillion dollar Will Work For Food Corporation and his The End Is Near Foundation, has the mission to somehow defy their own beliefs. Their mission statement is as follows:

“ We pledge to continually pester Kate Winslet at her movie trailers until she finally decides to date each one of us, until she finally falls into an intimate and everlasting love with one of us. I know we’re fatalists, and this goes against everything we believe, but just play along, okay? ”

Suspension

This philosophy was briefly suspended in 2001 after her divorce. It was reinstituted in 2003 when she remarried but suspended again when she divorced her second husband in 2010.

People who are not Winslet fatalists

• Leonardo DiCaprio
• Jim Threapleton
• Sam Mendes

See also

• Ned Rocknroll