HowTo:Attract Goth Chicks

You want a piece of that. It's all worth it.

Have you ever looked at a normal girl and wished for something more? Have you ever looked at the girl with pale skin and dark hair across the room and said, "Damn, I'd like to get me some of that!"?

Well, you're not alone. There are a bunch of freaks out there who feel like you do, and if you're ready to capture a goth girlfriend, this guide is for you!

Step 1: Appearance

• (Warning: Goth Chicks are not even slightly attracted to EMO kids, so don't even try unless you're carrying a bucket of your own blood.)

First of all: Look in the mirror. You probably see a relatively normal guy. Although if you're attempting to attract goth chicks, your normality might come into question... So, you must "Feel the Evil." Become one with the darkness... of black (eyeliner) and hair dye. You may have noticed that goth girls do not look like your run of the mill cheerleader or class president (or even humans) so you're aiming for that goal too.

• Lose weight - Goth dudes can never be too tall or too thin. Keep yourself relatively skinny, just so you are close to seeing your ribcage. But don't go anorexic! By no means do goths like being able to see your heart pumping in your chest.

• Get taller - If your dad wasn't Shaq and you're built more like George from Seinfeld, then head down to your local Hot Topic store and pick up some platform boots, so you can at least look her in the eye when she rejects you.

• Avoid Retarded Emo Hair - Do not cut your hair with a RaZor and comb to the front. Goths aren't attracted to this retarded hair cut; they want long flowing locks. Also, never under estimate color. Mohawks look best in different shades of rainbow. Try 'em all! If you don't want to go too drastic, just dye it black and maybe put a few red or dark blue streaks in.

• Become really pale - And I mean REALLY! Never go outdoors when the sun is out, even if clouds are covering it. In fact, remaining indoors during the day and only leaving the house at night will make you seem vampire-ish and mysterious, although goth girls aren't more attracted to wannabe-vampires. If you have to go out during the day, wear sunblock. Wearing your hair in your face will also shield you from the sun.

• Make sure they're a girl (this is probably the first thing you should have done).

"Never use make up to pale yourself. Goth girls will laugh at you." That is a misconception. Use all of your mother's and your little sister's makeup to look as dead as possible. And then, when confronted, say "I just felt extra depressed today." That will make you look totally more goth and the girls will swoon.

• Buy a lot of clothes - Hot Topic and pretty much anywhere in San Francisco are good places to shop. If you don't look like you're channeling an anime villain, The Crow or Severus Snape, you have little chance with goth chicks, but some goths aren't into big robes and none of your eyes visible. Styles of dress within the subculture range from deathrock, punk, androgynous, medieval, some Renaissance and Victorian style clothes, or combinations of the above, most often with black attire, makeup and hair. Definitely avoid fake vampire fangs. Goth girls will look down on you as a show off.

Careful now! Make sure you know exactly whose pants you are trying to get into.

Step 2: Behavior

• Adapt a flawless accent. You will sound twice as depressed when you talk about how messed up the world is.

• Knowledge: In order to engage a self-hating, vein-slashing, alchohol-overdose-loving goth queen you must speak their language. It is imperative that your opinion is "that their first albums were better", no matter what band. You also agree that the no-name band X is better than the latest AFI album. Gothic music encompasses a number of different styles.

• Try to paralyze the muscles of your face, so that you'll have that exact one look on your face for the rest of your life. Just make sure it doesn't freeze to smile. Losing the ability to speak doesn't matter, nobody would listen to you anyway. Get depressed when you realize how insignificant people think you are. Watch The Crow often.

• Special notice: Bowel diseases are NOT goth. She isn't going to believe you are super depressed about your IBS. Although you should be, Ouch! You must have a psychological disorder (dude, you like goth chicks you already have one of those!). A sleeping disorder is a MUST (whether you don't sleep enough or sleep all day). Some weird, rare, neurological syndrome that affects you every other full moon is a bonus.

• Start collecting knives, swords, axes, razors, and other sharp objects to use as wall hangings.

• Use a walking stick even if you don't need one. They add dramatic effect. Especially if they're black and intricately designed. You get extra points if there's a secret compartment inside.

• Become a hypochondriac. Even if all the chains, scary clothing, and anorexia hasn't caused you mortal illness yet, you should act like it has. It will make you seem mature and angsty. Silent angst is deeper and darker when it comes from an illness, thus making you more attractive to the goth chicks.

• Change your name to something along the lines of "Draven", or something Victorian and a tiny bit faggish (if you fail with goth chicks there are always goth guys, but be warned: they will get competitive about hair length).

• Drink to angst often. However, beer is not an option. The only acceptable drinks are either illegal, red, or have the word blood in them. Bloody Mary, Whiskey, Absinthe, Bloody Absinthe, Blood, Bloody blood with extra blood/poison in it, Diet blood, Cheesecake's blood, Red wine, Poison, Cocktails with any combination of the above, Rum*.

• (*)This was formally known as something that only pirates drank. However, seeing you drink rum in a goth pub will get your targeted audience (a.k.a.smoking hot goth chicks) confused and torn between tagging you as either very gay or very cool. They will eventually settle for very cool as their greatest weakness is the desperate quest for originality in the pursuit of the ultimate goth-ness. You should obviously take advantage of this weakness. However, do not forget to act casually depressed whilst drinking the rum. Goth chicks can smell fear.

• Use pink as an adjective related to something ungoth. Example: That's so pink. I hate it.

Step 3: Getting her Attention

In order to get the attention of an 'I'm so depressed, my parents hate me and I cut myself to feel alive' Goth chick, you must follow my simple rules.

• When you see her coming down the hall, hang your head down so your hair covers most your face, look up with your eyes only and when she looks at you, avert your eyes with total disinterest. ALL girls want what they can't have. Ignoring her is key.

• Hang out outside the school where she will be sure to pass you when she leaves. Hang your head down so your hair covers most your face, look up with your eyes only and when she looks at you, turn your head away with total disinterest. In fact act as if you have no interest in life itself.

• Transfer to her English class. Write a poem about death and how much you are interested in it. Stress points about how unoriginal life is and how people are sheep. Don't forget to add the part about how death is the only adventure you have left.

Step 4: Success

Ahhhh it's a VampireFreak!

Go to a goth bar. (Vampire bars in northern new hammshire are also acceptable, NH is prime goth territory). Stay there for 10 seconds. If you're not yet surrounded by hot, short PVC-skirted, high-heel wearing goth chicks, try ordering a Bloody Mary spiked with cyanide.

Alternatively, consider doing an emo chick! Emos think goths give them street cred. Be warned: you may catch Emonia (akin to an STD). In advanced stages of Emonia, your carefully-cultivated goth hair will now flop aimlessly into one eye, rendering it eventually blind which, unless you wear a really cool contact lens, is not a turn-on, even for goth chicks.

Should it be the case that a pair of goth twins ask for your phone number, beware! This is a trap. Only goth n00bs have phone numbers; servants of darkness have only VampireFreaks.

Special Case: Plus-Size Goth Girls

If you're looking to get an obese goth, that's fine. Just keep in mind some of them may be sensitive about it, but more than likely you don't care anyways. It's mostly about personality when one really comes down to it. She still has interests, and a brain, and a wicked sense of humour, and on and on and on. She's still a girl, and probably a wonderful one at that- the only difference is, there's more to love than your usual thinner goth girl. Some girls may be sensitive about it, so be considerate. Some may flaunt it, in which case be glad she loves herself so much. If she's self-conscious, remind her how beautiful she is to you, and how personality counts for more in the long run. If you really don't think this about her, reconsider why you're with her- and maybe take a good, hard look in a mirror!

If all else fails

Kill yourself. She will instantly find you attractive. And then kill yourself again for actually following this idiotic form.

See Also

• Hot Topic
• HowTo:Be a complete Tool
• HowTo: Attract Metal Chicks