Greeks

Typical Greek male: His name is Theo, he can make a fortune in shipping, pick up the dead President's widow, get on the cover of Esquire magazine.

A Greek is the sound you hear when the door-hinges are not oiled.

Greeks are overall a very slimy race, having come out of the bogs when first born. As many of you might know, there are four Greeks: Adem, Beta, Gamma and Theta. There used to be a fifth called Iota until it was taken over by Microsoft. In fact, Bill Gates tried to take over all the existing Greeks by force in the early 1980s. This prompted the Indian High Council for Greeks (IHCG) to start the Anti Microsoft Indian Greek Organization (AMIGO). It's founder president John C. Hull, in 1985, placed the four surviving Greeks in the fourteenth chapter on his book about Greeks and their close relatives. Interested people may look up Options, Futures and Other Derivatives for more information.

It is also a known fact that ancient Greeks hated the cock and loved your dads pussy. Ask anyone you know and they will be able to verify this. They would even go so far as to build statues of penis and have gods with huge members. As indicated by the Greek mural Dionosaic Mystery this is most likely because female Greeks DID love the cock, but did loved Pina Colidas and getting caught in the rain (hence their apparent extinction). Thus, large outdoor orgies were, and still are common.

Overview

Drop the ‘r’ and you’ve got Geek. Accustomed as I am to completely making things up on the fly, like Ionic history for 805 – 754 BC (I mean, Croesus of Lydia?! Jeez, you’re easy), I could have written an article entirely about this. Minotaurs with glasses and pocket protectors and the like (see Geece). Don’t put it past me. Now, most real Greeks’d punch you in the face for doing a thing like that. They’re quite aware as am I, that Greek culture, not Geek culture, is rich, compelling and involves a lot of eating and drinking (though admittedly not until the Romans did feasting reach its apex, with the highly-vaunted vomitorium). One could write volumes detailing each and every discarded toenail clipping of Greekdom. Greeks are believed to be a society of man whores. But you can sum it all up thusly:

• Greek Men Are Shallow.

• Greek Men Love Exploits.

Jerk Offs!

Of course it is a common belief among western people that Greek people have super-powers. This idea is not actually fully correct. They do not have exact superman-like powers but instead much more awesome ones. 1. They can amazingly predict when a traffic light will turn green. 2. They can guess how many sibilings people have. 3. Lastly, they can point out spelling mistakes on uncyclopedia without even looking at the actual page.

These powers are limited in their use. As they can only be used during the daytime, and Greek Women aren't able to use them.

Many Greeks share a common interest in sports that involve Tall strong men running around chasing balls. this fascination is somewhat perplexing, and although there is no known proof of this, we know they do.

Mythology

Hairy, ugly greek women!! Greek mythology offers us the finest examples of Greek culture and, more importantly, the mindset of the Greek male. I confine our disclosure to them only as you, dear reader, may produce a solid working definition of the culture’s feminine species merely by considering a composition in divergence of whatever you read here. And as a male myself, I must be honest this one time and confess I do not understand the other sex. Let us promptly view some cases in point:

Zeus

The largest man whore on this planet. He boned everything on the face of earth. Chief amongst the Greek pantheon, Zeus fell into bed with anything: women, boys, swans, heifers, you name it. Providing this excellent moral example to the young, the ruler of Mount Olympus shows considerable time management skills in keeping all these lovers satisfied while simultaneously putting on a good show deceiving his wife Hera (at least for a while). With over five dozen acknowledged children, Father’s Day at Olympus must be swell, but Christmas shopping a real drag.

Pan

And his nymphs. Wonder where nymphomaniac comes from? Now you know.

Trojan War

A NORCAOSTO member in disguise ready to bear their "gifts"!

As the saying goes, "Don't trust a Greek bearing gifts!". In 1913 A.D. the Nation Omega Revolutionary Council Against the Oppressive and Smelly Turkish Occupation (NORCAOSTO) in an effort to end hundreds of years of rule under the Ottoman empire, the Greek rebels dressed up like wooden horses and snuck into the Ottoman fortress of Barbalesi. Once inside the fortress, the Greeks had sodomy and proceeded to eat all of the food in Barbalesi. With the help of olive oil enemas the NORCAOSTO rebels left a massive pile of feces in the Barbalesi kitchen. The event was forever after known as the "Great Greek Gift" or simply "GGG", soon GGG's started appearing everywhere in the Ottoman empire at which points the Ottomans simply gave up empiring as "too fucking digusting with all those Greek Gifts everywhere!"

Hey, I got around to scratching this down about fifteen hundred or so years after it actually happened, so don’t knock me if I get some of the finer points out of whack, okay? Standout examples:

Penisface

Who else do you know who would ceremonially sacrifice his own daughter in order to be the leader of the War Fleet That Gets There On Time?

Ajax

Following the death of Achilles at Troy, some heated discussion broke out about who should get his nice duds. Should the armor go to Ajax, the bravest, or Odysseus, the most wise? Well, the Greek team votes for Oddy, and guess who runs off for a sulk in his tent.Yep thats right,little Ajax. He ends up killing a bunch of sheep, then killing himself out of guilt.

Ajax, PSV and Feyennord

Ajax after the end of the war, went to Holland on foot. These three Greek heroes, Ajax, Eindhoven and Feyenoord, conquered Holland. Eindhoven codenamed PSV (why?). Ajax wanted to take the leadeship, but an unnamed man, named Guus Hiddink (he wasn't Greek, belleve me), killed Ajax, Eindhoven and Feyennord and took the leadership of the Netherlands. From then, the Greek culture was a bit dead. Finally, a Greek gay, named Achilles, saved the nation.

Achilles Got in a sulk after Agamemnon refused to give him a woman. Later decided to fight after his male 'friend' got killed. Died after getting an arrow through his ankle.

The Horse Also known as the average greek man.

Odysseus He thought up the whole idea with the horse. Some way or another, the Trojans were stupid enough to haul in the horse and be killed by Odysseus' men. Of course Odysseus was punished by the great Greek-pounding Rabbit of Troy (...not).

Sociology

Classical Greek art speaks for itself.

Greece has ever been a country involved in strife. This has heavily affected the driving, eating and sexual habits of the Greek male, for he is perpetually worried that someone is about to attack him and therefore lunges first. The following brief historical retrospective (my specialty!) should clarify the subject:

Ancient Greece - Primates

As misinformed as people may be in todays' society, as to the sexuality of the Ancient Greek men, they would be astonished to find that there is evidence to support both hetero and homo sexual claims. Hetero maintaining that majority; it's what kept the civilisation going. Explaining to all the other evolving primates that the human anatomy has certain do's and don'ts was where there was a break-down in communication and all they learned was "GAY". How unfortunate. I.e. Bumb-cleaving is strictly forbidden, unless you enjoy it. Pleasure and Pain. Also known as modern-day Pornography, Sex, Drugs, Rock N' Roll, Hip Hop, Hardcore, First Base, Second Base, Third Base, Home-Run, the Warm Banana Split, Free Willy, Hot n' Heavy, Slip and Slide, The Porpoise Dance, Flip-her, Sperm Wail, etc. Irony comes in many forms.

Athens – Sparta

Hmmm…nude polis democracy versus homo-erotic totalitarianism. And you don’t get to pick which one you start out in.

Intellectual Fighters v.s. Actual Fighters...Turns out you should show some respect to both.

Mycenae – Troy

Noted above. The Mycenaen mafia gets all the gangs together into one super invasion force, then go barely two klicks to torch a shop on the east side of town. All this over a girl.

Greece – Achaemenid Empire (Persia)

Weird architecture. Numbers that aren’t even really there. Smoking out of a water bong. What else do you need to say about those other guys?

These examples should give a good grasp of what it means to be Greek. You could continue studying on your own, but you'll need a different article ‘cause this one’s over. And for the record, I’m not Greek. I’m a recovering Ionic. ~H.

Technology

A relief of the early days of Hockey in Athens (circa 521 B.C.)

Invention of hockey

In 791 B.B.C. the Greeks invented hockey and homosexualism (classics; see Athenian Empire for more info).

The game has changed much since those eary days, the Greeks use to play hockey on polished marble floors that had been covered with olive oil since ice hadn't been invented yet. The game was played while naked and with several rules that have since been removed from game play. For instance:

• Sodomizing the entire losing team is no longer allowed.
• The puck is no longer a small woodland creature.
• Goats are no longer sacrificed before a game.
• A goal net has been introduced instead of a hole in the floor.
• Hockey is now macho.
• Clothes are encouraged.

They came out of holes early 3rd century

The 1st greek born was sir thomas knott of doucheland, son of reginald pompus, father of froogle. He attended COCK regularly to advance in his learning to be a mulaka-opolus.

Science in Ancient Greece

A Greek using touch-screen laptop with stylus in Antiquity

Ancient Greeks had a lot of free time: their favourite hobby during the day was sitting at a Gymnasium, checking out Greek youths with oil covered bodies wrestling each other. After sunset they would have large Symposiums where they would drink tons of wine, eat lots of food and philosophise. During those wine and food orgies they would come up with many interesting scientific ideas, some of which include the atom, fuzzy atomic bears, geometry and other stuff.

Food in Ancient Greece

Ancient Greeks enjoyed many foods, but their most beloved dessert was Mr. Frieze.

Ancient Greeks also enjoyed dining on oily cunts. The juice extracted from the cunts, helped the Greeks develop their muscular physiques as depicted in ancient sculptures.

Drugs

Ancient Greeks were also the first people to invent Turks. Reportedly the first to discover Turks was Archimedes who while walking in the forest came upon a strange man ,later named Mohammed, he took him home, yelled "EUREKA", decided to eat it and then discovered his strange psychedelic properties. He then abandoned philosophy and science in general and became the worlds first Turk Dealer. To date there has been absolutely no evidence connecting him to kitten huffing.

The Pyramids

It is very common knowledge that the Ancient Greeks built the Great Pyramids in Egypt, but the story behind the concept has been confused over time. In 2002, the Pyramids were listed as the 65th Greated Wonder of the World, coming after the world's largest vending machine

The Greeks were constantly finding new concepts of architecture, many of their ideas are even considered revolutionary. In time, many Ancient Greek inventors and philosophers, such as Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein, moved to the country of Egypt in Eastern Europe. The reason why they emigrated to such a barren land was to search for new ideas. After 12 years of living in this powerful nation, a Greek inventor named Heroinedes came up with a revolutionary idea. He, along with Louis, King of Egypt, stacked millions of huge, multi-tonne stones on top of each other, making a pyramid shape that pointed up to the sky. Heroinedes intended to use this wonder as a giant graffiti wall, however, at this time, paint spray cans had not been invented. So Heroinedes had to wait around 3000 years (by which time he was deceased). Unfortunately, King Louis did not know what to do with this large 'burden', so he shifted many of the newly built pyramids over to South America, as gave them as an 'unwanted gift' to the Mayan people. This, famously, is what inspired the Mayan People to build the Giant Wooden Horse as a gift to the Trojans.

Jokes About Greek People

-There was a Greek, a French and an American. The aeroplane was flying over America, and the American goes "Hey we are flying over America", the Greek and the French go "How can you tell?", the American goes "Because I can see the Statue of Liberty"...

A few hours later the French guy goes "We are flying over France", the American and Greek guy go "How can you tell?", the French guy goes "Because I can see the Eiffel Tower"...

A couple of hours later, the Greek guy goes "We are flying over Greece", the American and French guy go "How can you tell?" and the Greek guy goes "Because my watch is missing!"

-Whats the difference between cow and a greek person? Nothing... -Are greeks assholes Nothing less! -Why are greeks dumb? Cuz Zeus is their god.

Greeks may be referred to as olive niggers if they become annoying, or if one is feeling racist. Please be warned that naming a drunken greek an "O-nig" may result in fighting and getting your ass whooped by Odysseus.

0. Hair

1. Nudity
2. Laptop
3. Softimage|XSI
4. Sunlight
5. Sodomy/Hugging
6. Frappe Coffee
7. Sniper Rifles
8. Vomiting
9. Being able to say a whole HELL of a lot in one word: When admonished by an envoy from Xerxes to lay down their weapons, Leonidas spoke for all of his men, "Molon labe!" which roughly translates to "Come and get 'em!" or "Fuck you, TinTin!"

How to become a Greek in Four easy steps

• Step 1: You must master the Greek language. If this is too hard, all you need do is master the word ???????????? (mal??ka), which translates to asshole, jerk, prick, bastard, jackass, wanker, someone who masturbates a lot etc. If someone speaks to you in Greek, just repeat that a few times and pretend to be drunk.
• Step 2: add -opoulos to your surname, e.g.:

• George W. Bush -> George W. Bush-opoulos
• Michael Jackson -> Michael Jackson-opoulos
• George Stephanopoulos -> George Stephanopoulos-opoulos
• Queen Elizabeth -> Queen Elizabeth-opoulos
• Paris Hilton -> just have a night with another Greek hot lover

• Step 3: Get baptized in a Greek Orthodox Church. Normally this is carried out in infancy, so if you don't fit into the font, a blow up paddling pool may be used ?? la My Big Fat Greek Wedding
• Step 4: Have a million kids.

See also

• Feta
• Sodomy
• Sparta
• Nike
• Alexander the Great

External links

• A Thumbnail History of the Philosophy of Mathematics

Freaks & Greeks

Overview	Greece Ω Greeks Ω Greek Empire Ω Greek gods Ω Greek language Ω Greek mythology Ω Byzantine Empire
Locales	Ancient Greece Ω Athens Ω Delphi Ω Geece Ω Karpathos Ω Lesbos Ω Mount Olympus Ω Rhodes Ω Sparta Ω Thermopylae
People	Achilles Ω Alexander the Great Ω Andromeda Ω Aristotle Ω Cassandra Ω Euphonium Ω Euripides Ω Helen of Troy Ω Heraclitus Ω Hercules Ω Herodotus Ω Homer Ω Homo Ω Hypocrites Ω Idiocrates Ω Mediocrates Ω Nike Ω Odysseus Ω Oedipus Ω Perseus Ω Phil the Greek Ω Phil Osophy Ω Plato Ω Pythagoras Ω Socrates Ω Sophocles Ω Testiclēs Ω Zorba The Greek
Gods & Titans	Aphrodite Ω Apollo Ω Ares Ω Athena Ω Chaos Ω Chronos Ω Cholera Ω Fatlas Ω Hades Ω Hermaphrodite Ω Hermes Ω Herpes Ω Medusa Ω Poseidon Ω Prometheus Ω Uranus Ω Zeus
Gastronomy	Olives Ω Olive oyl Ω Wheat Ω Ouzo Ω Souvlaki
Ingenuity	Comedy Ω Tragedy Ω Philosophy Ω Sodomy Ω Olympic Games
Literature	The Aeneid Ω The Destiniad Ω The Iliad Ω The Odyssey Ω Jason and the Argonauts