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Hollandistaans Keizerrijk
The Republic of Canadian Holland and Yanick's bus crew
Netherlands Flag.png Leaf of Marijuana.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "If it aint Dutch, it aint Much!" / "As a final touch, God created the Dutch!"
"JE MAINTIENDRAI!" - "(that means: Dutch people are awesome AND CAN'T SPELL)"
" if you aint smokin weed n' eatin cheeze you aint dutch"
" Je moeder"
" Kanker (Translation: Cancer)"
" Es geht nochmal so gut, wenn's Marokkanerblut vom Messer spritzt"
Anthem: "Angerfist - Anti allochtoon"
(also known as Klompendam)
Largest cityMadurodam
Official language(s)Dr. Seuss
Supreme AyatollaGeert Wilders
National Hero(es)marijuana, wooden shoes, HOLLANDO!, windmills, Dick van Dyke and Lee Van Cleef, dont forget potatoes (and cheese)
 of Independence
Declared independence after the Dutch Beer Riot of 500 A.D.
CurrencyThe Nederlander Marcke/Weed in some areas, lupins, people from Florence, plus some more cheese
Religion100% Geert Wilders
Major exportsWeed, Mushrooms, Whores, Ecstasy, Marijuana, pot, Windmills, cheese and left over slaves.
Major importsPoles, working slaves, and Ephedrine The fifa world cup 1974.

“They had the funniest currency in the world - in order to be checked for authenticity, a Dutch guilder paper banknote had to be smoked down.”

~ Ben Bernanke on the former currency of the Netherlands

“I love ze Anne Frank haus!”

~ Heinrich Arnold Auschwitz on The Netherlands

“My favourite bike shop!”

~ Adolf Hitler on The Netherlands

The Netherlands, also known as Fake Germany, Jointland or Morphleland, is a land located in the far west of Europe. There are more Moroccan people in the Netherlands than Dutch people. The Dutch people tried to get rid of them by legalising drugs hoping all the foreigners would die from a overdose of Marijuana. Unfortunatly, they did not die. Geert Wildes a.k.a "Nazi With A Shotgun" sent all the foreigners to Friesland, closed it down from the rest of the world and started a Zombie Apocalypse.The dutch people were so happy that they made a film about it (see New Kids:Nitro). The Netherlands is also the forgotten colonizer of the Americas.

The Netherlands is notable for being the first nation with a population sufficiently moronic to vote for Harry Potter as president and has been manufacturing wooden shoes and windmills for the world-market ever since the Dutch noticed they had ocean-front property, and realized that they could make money from it. The Dutch can be considered the most capitalist race in existance next to the Jews and the Scottish, often buying and selling anything: from weed to their own children. The Dutch themselves are also famous for making the Major Germanic Evolution of switching from Beer as their primary energy source to Marijuana.

History[edit | edit source]

A typical Dutch woman.

Dutch history largely begins with the separation of Germany and Japan circa 500 A.D. This separation was sparked by the Dutch Beer Riot in which over half the Germans living in the Netherlands decided to call themselves Dutch instead of Deutsch. This name change was designed as a method to make themselves better beer brewers (since it was a known fact that all beer brewers brew better beer if they have a "u" or "ü" in their name, like 'Heinekun' or 'Amstul'), though it would take them another 400 years to realize that this in itself wasn't the only thing one needed to make beer - wheat and barley are also required. Even with these shortcomings, Funnydeutschspeakerland began to flourish as a beer capital of Europe. An alternate source links the nederlands to the mythical Atlantis, with marijuana as a form of sea kelp, responsible for the drying of the country, since it couldn't be smoked under water otherwise.

After it was invaded by obese Minecraft speedrunners, the Dutch changed their country's name to the Netherlands, like the Minecraft realm. They used to be known as Funnydeutschspeakerland.

It was this that caused the Dutch to invent the very first, Evil Corporation: Heineken. Under this license they began to buy out many of the smaller beer companies and forced many consumers to drink their beer because nothing else was available. This ironically pushed many of the Dutch in the latter part of their history to move onto something more readily available. Marijuana was perfect for this, since unlike beer it burned cleanly and was far stronger, in exchange however their Dutch mentality would rot further.

In the late 1600s the English across the Channel grew sick of the Dutch monopoly and began to convene "Councils of Evil" in order to crush them as they had begun to grow far beyond the Netherlands themselves (the Indonesian erwere all now forced to drink low-quality proletarian-made beer.) In a major reversal, however, it was eventually decided upon that the Dutch had better beer then the English. The English then declared commercial war, and crossed the Channel to steal every ounce of beer they could get their hands on. The Dutch eventually ended the war when they noticed that, unusually, their profits hadn't increased over 5000% in a single economic quarter. They gave the English free beer for two years as war reparations. It was because of this war and slight profit loss that the Dutch decided to invent capitalism.

The English were lost without a system of their own and so hired Karl Marx to create one; however, his creation - communism - was entirely too Red and full of proletarians, so they grudgingly accepted capitalism as their state -ism as well. (They would end this with the creation of the Welfare State in 1949 in order to once again smite their Dutch opponents, granted by this time the Dutch were so immersed in marijuana they didn't even notice.)

The old currency of the Netherlands before the 1940s, the new one has become its coat of arms.

The Dutch then sat back and made money for the next 300 years and even through WWI when their neighbor Germany tried to gain control of Dutch breweries so the beer could be used to increase the strength of their troops. The Dutch, meanwhile, were too pre-occupied selling beer to other countries that no longer had the German stock. (Including creating the new Dutch beer slogan: Dutch Owns Deutsch)

The Interwar Period was fueled by the prospects of Prohibition America and the Dutch quickly made connections with Al Capone in order to provide the Americans with crappy beer for a lot of money. It was around this time that marijuana was introduced into the Netherlands and changed the beer market forever, causing most Dutch to not "give a damn" about anything - this led to the downturn of Heineken and Grolsch. The Germans, sensing their weakness and still pissed off that the Dutch thought they had better beer, invaded The Netherlands along with Netherlands minor, once again forcing them to be Germans. Dutch people still claim there bikes on Germany

Dutch people get very pleased if you give them something to chew on. (Frikandelbroodje)

Dutch speaking English[edit | edit source]

Dutch people are known to be the best non-native english speakers in the world, in more than 100 years they created their own version of it, they call it "fuk t uk" (this name is inspired by the koran). Examples of dutch speaking english are "houw ar joe doing?", "helloh you flankie wanker!", "fuk jou bitch", and "hijlo, mij nijm ijs Mijk!"another lanqauge is moslim boaz is a persian monk.Charlie linck is currently sexuallty arctive with boaz. they have monk sex. Because of the high amount of american sex-tourists, english is also the most common language among prostitutes, examples are "money money?, "asspushing?", "sukky sukky five euro", "Yes fasterr!" or "Sex for breezaaah!".

The Beer "V" Marijuana Wars[edit | edit source]

Gerry Leather, aaarrggghhh
An early tactic used against marijuana smokers: Drink Beer, Be Patriotic!

Once liberated, The Netherlands began the most lack-lustre period of their history: The Marijuana Wars. The newly-created NeuDutch Biere GmbH Ltd.©®, second child of Heineken & Co. & Sons GmbH Inc.©®, versus the marijuana industry. However, since all those who used marijuana didn't care, the company didn't have much to fight and because of this more and more Dutch became users, until it reached its 68% peak level that it is today. The remaining 12% still drinks beer and the last 20% watches television to get high, since most Dutch commercials are often so full of marijuana and/or beer and/or adult material they intoxicate all those who are within 5 feet of them. When the beer industry of Holland actually started giving a shit about the fact that everyone was getting stoned and not drunk, they offically declared war on the marijuana industry. This led to the execution of several important maffia and government officials amongst whom Jan met de korte achternaam. This war never took place in The Netherlands but did ultimatly lead to the near death of the Dutch beer industry. In the southern Netherlands, where ironically the highest profit is made by for example drugrunners, the Carnival was reinvented. This led to a major growth of southern Dutch beerbrands like Hertog Jan (Duke John) and Duvel (Devil) and ultimately to the ascendance of one man... Gerry Leather, became Mayor of Maastricht, Holland's southernmost city except for Capetown, in the year 2002. He stated that the only way to end this war, which had taken her toll on the belgian highways nearby, would be to prohibit of marihuana. This strange remark caused a huge uproar among coffeeshop visitors and caused such massive lolz amongst junkies that the war was automatically solved.

The news[edit | edit source]

Dutch political news mostly consists of a rant by a minister in three steps: 1. This did not happen. 2. We have to find who's to blame. 3. Let's leave this in the past. Dutch news programs will either tape this, or please their audiences with local people having accidents. Programs like Heart of your Holland are examples of this last type of 'local' news, even though they got into disrepute after putting the CQC members on air, while they were having surprise sex with Elmo. This lead to so many people not drinking beer or smoking weed that it took a month for the Dutch economy to recover.

The People[edit | edit source]

Orange people being blue

The people of the Netherlands are known as cloggies and are a very Germanic people with Germanic characteristics and German names. However, they refuse to be known as Germans, even though they display most of the common characteristics (they hate the French). They are said to be very tall with an average height of over 185 cm for males and 171cm for females (in order to keep their heads above sea level), but such surveys were probably taken after wearing very thick-soled wooden shoes which can raise a person by as much as 8cm became a norm for them (and this even without the shoes being 8cm thick). The first Dutch actor appeard in Austin Powers: Goldmember, in which had his own main role, and whom was allowed to use his own name. He also used some Dutch in the English-speaking movie such as "faja","toyt" and "toyger". They also shat in their pants for five years.

The Dutch are generally a bunch of complainers who have an inflated view of themselves. They dislike foreigners with a passion, probably due to the lack of space in their tiny country. Never expect any manners from Dutchmen, they are taught in school that being polite is bad and being rude is good. If a Dutchman knocks a bicycle over, he will never pick it up.

Dutch people basically hate everything unless it is free, this is because they are the most stingy people in the world. Dutchmen love free things even if they have no use for them. You can even take a crap and give it to a Dutchman, as long as it is free, he will be happy with his steaming pile of shite.

The Dutch people hate muslims but they are too afraid to vote for people who want put them all in concentration camps.

Cloggies also hate Polish people. This is a strange phenomenon considering that polish people work much harder than Cloggies. Dutch people make Polish people work for less than minimum wage and then complain that there are too many polish people, another example of the retarded Dutch mentality.

Dutch at its finest.

Religion[edit | edit source]

Being descended from pirates, the Dutch are known to be amongst the most dedicated pastafarianists worldwide.

The Dutch themselves have for some reason or another fallen in love with the color orange, and make it a point to cover anything possible in that color (Traffic lights, Tanks, and foreigners.), you are often not considered dutch at all if you don't have at least 4 things in the color Orange on you at all times. The Dutch are known to be the only Germans that have not embraced Red as the true color of the Reich. The Dutch are also unique out of all Germans in that their main energy source is not the blood of their enemies and beer, but Blood and Marijuana.

Transportation[edit | edit source]

The Dutch are very personal when it comes to riding bikes. Most of them ride around on the shittiest bikes, which are - on average - 32.61 years old. Apparently, the Dutch are so proud of their metal junk heaps, that these so called "bikes" actually outnumber the entire Dutch population 15 to 4. This has been successful in discouraging obese American tourists for many reasons:

  1. Let's be honest: Americans are fat. Try to get one on a rickety rusted contraption, and they won't go more than two feet before having a heart attack.
  2. It's against their morals. We all know how Americans are extremely handy dandy when it comes to being self righteous.
  3. How many Americans ride in cars, as opposed to bikes? They think that Centraal Station is 50 miles away from the nearest Heineken bar.
  4. Its easy to tell the difference between an American and a Dutch person when a bike is involved. (The saddle is gone..)

Please notice that many bikes still remain stolen and kept in Germany since World War II. Various studies have shown that the Germans still maintain several underground bunkers filled with grundlichly organised rows of bicycles, waiting to be used on the occasion of Alien Invasion. Repeated attempts of organisations such as ANWB and Alien abduction insurance companies to retreive these bikes have remained without result.

Many Dutch people ride their bikes to their work, when they get hit by an other bike it wont matter at all. Sometimes a faggot in a car, also known as Geert Wilders, rides against one, mostly muslims.

Geography[edit | edit source]

Main article: Atlantic Ocean

The Dutch unlike most other people in Europe are not happy unless they live in a very random and dangerous place on the European continent. This is accomplished by building massive dikes to hold back the North Sea - however, every few years the dikes are allowed collapse and kill off extra Dutch, ensuring an effective method of population control, as well as allowing the kiddies to have a swim every so often.

The Dutch who were once also known by the name: Dikes. This is apparent in the apparent know-how of every single Dutchman to build a dike in the most inconvenient of places with the most exotic of materials. Tic-Tacs and rubber bands are among the favorite, but gum and paperclips can also be used by a skillful Dutchman in a pinch. The most extraordinary material was the index finger of the boy Hans Brinkers. It is well known that the vast majority of Dutch Dikes in the Netherlands are constructed with either one set, or both of these materials.

Flevoland[edit | edit source]

While originally inhabited by the Atlanteans, the Dutch successfully pumped away enough water to form a land with at least the area of Spain. The main reason for this was the need to dry the wet sea kelp which came to be known later on as marijuana. This now densely populated area counts over a staggering 370,656 inhabitants.

However, since its feature of being pumped out of the water, it would mean that if the Great Dyke would collapse, Flevoland would no longer be a province the size of Spain, but rather an outside swimming pool the size of Spain. The Flevolanders offer every week one of their first born virgins to the great Dyke, by binding them to a boat, and letting them float away. Most girls come back relatively intact, whereas some won't survive due to the vicious sweet water crocodiles who live there.

Tradition has it that during other days there is a boy with his finger in the Dyke.

Hollando[edit | edit source]

the Dutch getting ready to board an English ship for its ugly people.

The Netherlands are also known as Hollando. The entire population of Holland (which consists of one man) has herpes. Hollando was originally named by the ripped explorer Adrian Kazakos (aka "KAZAKOS!" or "ZOOKOS!" or "Damn that guy is muscley").

Hollando's mum is know as the high drug lord of the Netherlands. Hollando himself is a national hero after he ate 473 hash cakes in 3 minutes. Hollando is made of cheese. Hollando's bestie is known as McLoving who he once tried to eat but spat him up soon after he realised he tasted like shit.

Hollando was once caught in the women's toilets by the infamous Alex Peel while hollando was wearing lipstick looking in the mirror and saying "Oh you're a dirty, dirty girl..." The reasons for Alex Peel to be in the women's toilets is questionable.

Hollando's favorite passtime is going to his VET class which is multimedia-media and full of socially retarted nerds who don't know what the word turkfunglefasim means. Do you know what turkfunglefasim means? At VET Hollando likes to make posters and programs for musicals involving hookers and mass murderers. He must be EXTREME!

BSSH Islands[edit | edit source]

Whoever takes a closer look at the map of the Netherlands, should notice three forgotten islands added in a box in the corner of the map. These are the BSSH-islands, named after the first letters of the island's names: Bonaire, Saba and Sint Hustatius. Together, they are also referred to as the "Caribbean Netherlands". Many claim this to be leftovers from colonial era, but actually the history of the Caribbean Netherlands is slightly different.

Dutch explorers sailed West long before Columbus did, and declared everything they saw on their way to be part of the Netherlands. Unfortunately, they discovered nothing but sea, and Bonaire (this is why the Atlantic Ocean is officially part of the Netherlands). It was only years later, that engineers from Brabant started poldering a new island a few hundred kilometres North from Bonaire, and called it Sint Hustatius. Pirates have tried liberating Sint Hustatius from those Catholic Brabanders, but ended up converted to catholicism themselves. This small part of history can still be noticed by the fact that the official language on Sint Hustatius is Pirate English. Saba is the highest point of the Netherlands (although the people of Vaals are trying all they can to beat that) and was given by God, who mysteriously made it rise from the sea one day.

Major Cities[edit | edit source]

Hulshorst[edit | edit source]

One of the Netherlands' major cities, with its 3.4 quadrillion population it is a diverse metropolis. One of the best-known landmarks in Hulshorst is the windmill, named the Wieken. This name was founded by a well-known Illuminati leader in the 4th era. Most of Hulshorst's population consists of horses, led by Sarah Jessica Parker.

Rotterdam[edit | edit source]

Famed to have risen from its grave after the attempts by Kitler and his furry horde to wipe this blight from the world, Rotterdam is most known internationally by its undead legion of the Northern Feye region in the South of the city. It is known to most inhabitants to be the only place in the world where the compass points both to the north and to the south at the same time because of Einstein's early attempts to build a time machine at the heart of the city, conveniently located right underneath the city's main road after attempts to build it ON the road led to the demise of various hamsters employed by Albert.

Wageningen[edit | edit source]

Wageningen is the place where all Muslim students in the Netherlands go and where they are taught to be farmers.

Muslim farmers in the Netherlands.

Wageningen is a typical representation of how smart the Dutch actually are, letting the other people work for them in their own country, while they can enjoy the state of being smart. The only things you can do in Wageningen is drink, learn to drink and drink huge amounts of alcohol until destroy the field you have just spent hours working on. Besides farming, of course.

The centre of the city is an avenue containing two shops, that sell shovels, rakes, sheep, Muslim farmers, hookers (only in trios) and everything else needed for farming. They are open every Thursday from one o'clock to one and a half. Thus, they manage to get crowds of visitors (local visitors) in a very small amount of time, so both of the shop owners are content with their situation and are best friends in Netherlands.

The Netherlands' most famous product, weed, is not omnipresent in Wageningen as it is in other cities. The farmers are not aware of the fact that growing weed would earn them piles of money to buy kilogallons of alcohol. Instead, they grow huge amounts of food to trade for little amounts of weed.

People don't know how to commit criminal acts, because in Wageningen there are no special universities for this. The police, and their vans, are frequently run over by sheep. Sometimes, they are run by sheep, but only on religious holidays.

There are a few large student flats in Wageningen, which have an elevator that moves at a speed of 0.1 m/s. Most people climb up the wall to go up and jump with a parachute to get down. In Wageningen people place value in remembering the Second World War, as it was the only time the sheep police was more effective at throwing away the enemies, than the Netherland people. Due to the farmers' poverty, there is only a tiny statue representing Wageningen's war pride. Sometimes the oldest farmers go and stand in front of it for hours, falling asleep, drooling, picking their noses, etc. There are rumours that every time one of these farmers is disrespectful enough to fall asleep in front of the statue, one of Wageningen's beloved sheep dies. This is why a new statue is going to be built shortly. It will be a pole able to erect itself with the help of solar power and will give an entirely new meaning to the oh-so-funny game of pole-sitting.

Maastricht[edit | edit source]

The grand city of Maastricht (or "Mestreech" in retard Dutch) is filled with green fairies, old hairy men, pubs, coffee shops and chinese restaurants. And hills. More specifically, the only hills in Holland are found here... These are only 2 meters tall at most, a massive improvement nonetheless. Cloggies are normally found skydiving in the hills and hitting each other on the arse with marihuana plants. Maastricht people celebrate the annual holiday "Carnaval" with lots of beer while dressed up as bananas, Germans and other relatively meaningless objects. Maastricht is the best city to live in, the capital of everything considered bourgondian. Or at least that's what Maastrichtianeezers think. It's somewhat like Amsterdam but without the naggers.

The city council has plans to flood the western regions of the country by stabbing the dykes with André Rieu's violin.

One great thing about this scenario is that Maastricht will become famous for its ideal location near the sea. As everybody knows, the river that crosses Maastricht, the Maas, gives Maastricht the perfect possibility to build the world's biggest dock. Everyone likes docks. For other tourist attractions you can go to former-capital Amsterdam. Amsterdam will turn into a combination of Atlantis and Rapture like in the game Bioshock. You will be able to do great diving excursions in the Stoner Sea or you can relax in the Stoner Pool and you can also eat and drink anything you like in Stoner Wok just next to the Stoner Bar. This will give a boost to the economy of the new eternal capital city of the Netherlands: Maastricht upon North Sea.

After the great flood Maastricht will create a major army of Jews, old men, quirky Flemmish people, green radioactive monkeys, drunks who call themselves Prince Carnaval, flying purple hippoes, dogs dressed as Sarah Palin and Sarah Palin dressed as a dog. Their goal is to conquer Europe and establish the largest cannabis producing nation in the universe and beyond. This last idea is known all over the world as the Dutch World Domination Plans. The Imperial Dutch Military of the Empire of Maastricht have their base of operations located at the Bonnefantencollege in the Roman Voorburg. The Imperial Maastricht Military also have the largest stocks of Weapons of Mass destruction and the most sophisticated military hardware in the world. These include the very sophisticated and destructive FAG bomb, stones and sticks, Toilets-which-haven't-been-cleaned-after-3-farewell-concerts-of-Micheal-Jackson shells, Halo 3 n0013 gas (also available as COD WaW and Modern Warfare 2 variant), André Hazes AKA alcoholics, zoervleisch which has been expired for about 3 years, my shit, your shit and André Rieu's wig.

Maastricht is also home to one university, where classes cannot be given unless students are either drunk, stoned or both. The international school of Maastricht, or more recently changed to United Weed College, is a school for all 1.2 million foreigners living in Maastricht. 1 million of the foreigners who enrolled their little weed smoking kids into the school happen to be Polish Communists helping NATO form an army to defeat all of europe once the rest of the Netherlands is flooded. Recently the city has also been flooded by Students who only come to get high, usually smoking up in the local park, or under one of the 27 bridges in Maastricht, but not one of them will be found smoking in the actual coffee shops.

Esbeek[edit | edit source]

Esbeek, better known as Esbach, is a small city state in the Netherlands. It's the only part of the netherlands which hasn't been liberated from the nazi's after WWII. After the fall of the Third Reich, the nazi's in Esbeek created there own small state made up of the village Esbeek itself and the surrounding lands. Esbeek suffers from hostility from surrounding villages. The villages of Diessen, Biest-Houthakker, Haghorst and Hilvarenbeek as its main opponents. The nazi's tightened security a few years ago with the creation of a fortified border.

Drenthe[edit | edit source]

███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████████████████████

█████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████ It is advised not to visit this location.

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Haarlem[edit | edit source]

The city of Haarlem was for 400 years the Amsterdam stadsdeel Kippenneuker, but in 1978 it was renamed in honour of the Harlem Globe Trotters, who were touring Europe at the time.

The population of Haarlem is entirely made up of lawyers (or kakkerlakken in the native tongue) and even the local McDonalds requires a person to sign a notarised form in triplicate to get a Big Mac.

The most famous historical resident of Haarlem was Laurens Janszoon Coster who, in the 1420s, invented the movable-type printing press. Many projects are named after his Coster Bible, such as the well-known Project Coster, which distributes electronic versions of public-domain books.

The Haarlem train station has been designed to look just like a 19th-century public toilet—with all the authentic attendant aromas.

Unlike the place in USA Haarlem has nothing to do with Harlem or the Harlem Shake or twerking/ratchet/black people/bitches/hoes/ratchet hoes/borgore/america

Eijsden (Best village to live in, even better than Maastricht)[edit | edit source]

Although it is considered as a small, unimportant shithole, it is in fact a small communist country with a large amount of weapons of mass destruction. It is an ally of North Korea which makes them filthy commie terrorists who should be stoned to death.

For this small country there have been developed new spelling rules because according to the prime minister of Maastricht: You must and will spell this country with a CAPITAL letter, because it is actually more important than Maastricht.

This country is the only country in the world with no army at all. But the dictator of Eijsden has bought large amounts of green radioactive monkeys from Israel. Maastricht border guards claim to have seen an army of cows armed with AK-47s loaded with armour-piercing rounds and small fragments of Hank. Tensions between these countries increased ever since.

The war between Maastricht and Eijsden has begun after the release of windows 7.

Maastricht geologists have confirmed the existence of a large tunnel system underneath the farms in Eijsden. This may be the proof of the existence of the hidden kingdom of European moles, also known as Mole City or Mole-topia. These animals are probably creating the 8th wonder of the world.

Mheer[edit | edit source]

This hole in the ground was created by toxicated wooden trees. The estimated amount of people who live in this hole is 3. Their houses are made of wet dirt, mainly farmed from their neighbours, the glorious village Sint Geertruid. The people who live in Mheer are mentally either physically retarded. They tend to terrorise Sint Geertruid. The scientists from Sint Geertruid estimate that the people from Mheer become extinct in 2010. They're fabricating a bomb, with methane gas, farmed from their own poo. When it's ready, probably just before they become extinct, they will commit suicide with it. That will be the end of Mheer City, the biggest metropool in the world, with its 3 citizens.

Leeuwarden[edit | edit source]

Pronounced as Lhehw-warden and Ljouwert in the original language of The Fabled Magical Land of Frisia, this city contains the Dutch version of the Pisa Tower, known as Oldehove, which has been the tallest structure on the planet for over 3498 years now. The city is also the city where all the speeding tickets come from, therefore it is hated by the rest of the Netherlands. It is the capital 'city' of the Dutch province of Friesland.

Mostly a student city during the week, common folk from the vast tribal inlands of Friesland ride their horses to the city every Friday and Saturday night to enjoy modern city life.

Heerlen[edit | edit source]

Heerlen is the place where you can get yourself sucked off for 5 dollah by faggots and 10 dollah by muslims. They are known for their addiction to junkies running all over the place. One of the major persons you will find in heerlen is Mr. R Putz. A citywide known homosexual that bends for any cock larger than 5 centimeters. We cannot tell you his first name out of security reasons but we can tell that it ends with ene, not to be confused with Eno(ste) the confused boy that got raped in his sleep while trying to get some balls.

The inhabitants of Heerlen are smaller than average, because their legs get amputated immediately after they're born. Scientists are still looking for reasons, we can't ask them because they have a huge accent, they can only talk to eachother, not with the rest of the world, because no one speaks their language. Recently they started a secret mission to try to teach someone their Heerlen language, ánd a normal language - which can be translated to english. Scientists hope this mission will succeed, but they're afraid it's impossible. Because previous subjects from these kind of missions committed suicide while learning this language. But íf they succeed they might be able to steal Heerlen's technology, they can make very ugly gray 'skyscrapers' (16m tall), and they're able to make pink fertiliser, very wanted by female and French farmers all over the world.

Gronsveld[edit | edit source]

This farmer's asshole is ruled by fat American immigrants. Gronsveld is famous because they have at least 3 McDonald's on every street corner. This may be the result of an evil plan formulated by the dictator of Eijsden. Therefore, the people of Gronsveld will get very fat and die of heart diseases and AIDS.

The main hobby of the fat people of Gronsveld is deep frying everything they can see, including: beer cans, people with AIDS, Mars bars, computer hard disks, children who where born in Eijsden, and Mexicans. Every year thousands of tourists visit the fat people of Gronsveld getting out of bed and exercising to lose weight. This is very funny and will take approximately 2 hours.

Gronsveld, not Africa as is commonly believed, has the largest concentration of people with AIDS; 400 per square kilometer. They are very proud with their current record.

The national anthem of Grondsveld consists 5 words. The 5 words are said repeatedly 150 times. The song has never been completely sang, because the people of Grondsveld get hungry every 50 seconds. So they stop singing and go to the McDonald's. The 5 words in the anthem are: McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut and Subway (with loads of mayonnaise and oil).

Meerssen[edit | edit source]

This dumping ground is made by garbage men. The profession of those people is 'searching for food', disassembling heaters, 'jumping off a 20m cliff', 'burning in hell' and beating Bert van Marwijk to death... Some of them think they are smart, but actually their intelligence quotient is similar to the IQ of a flowerpot. The best invention ever from the people of Meerssen is metal toilet paper. You can buy this everywhere in Meerssen. When a child turns eighteen, they all go to the church to have their annual sexparty. They also have a monthly event, which includes running into brick walls and using nail mats as bouncers. They do this to improve the strength of their skulls, and to prepare for the loss of their virginity. But, most children are no longer virgins, because Meerssen has the highest rate of child porn in the world. All the people from Meerssen have anorexia. Once a week they eat a screwdriver.

Valkenburg[edit | edit source]

The main economic income of Valkenburg is Christmas stuff. Every day they sell in marl pits the strangest things. They sell “elves substances”, cut off gnome legs (these legs are from the gnomes from Sint Geertruid), reindeer’s horns, flarfynid (we don’t now what flarfynid is, but they sell it.) and many other stuff. In 556 AD, there had been a war between the giants and the gnomes of Valkenburg. Unfortunately, the gnomes lost the war, and were banned. The gnomes have a intelligence quotient of 102, the giants have a intelligence quotient we couldn’t measure, because they are too stupid. That explains why the giants of Valkenburg live in marl pits. Once a year there is the Amstel Gold Race. The finish is at the Cauberg, but the giants want to sell their Christmas stuff so gladly, that the other places in Limburg prefer the finish is in Rataje Slupskie (Poland). Every 31(!) June they have one minute to kill each other. “Happy” place, isn’t it? The naval airfield at Valkenburg is where Erwin Rommel learned hoe to fly. He did so in a toaster-oven.

Apeldoorn[edit | edit source]

What seems to be a little backwater town near the river Maas in the province of Gelderland is actually the capital of the world. It's the nerve centre of everything (even your mom) in the entire world. This is the place where major events like the bio-engeneering of Oscar Wilde took place and where the brain reactor is stored. Not many people know, but the Apeldoorn locals are often the first to tell you, that they are in control. Apeldoorn also created the Internets and everything cream filled.

Enschede[edit | edit source]

Known only for its spectacular fireworks displays. Home State of the Christian fraternity stronghold CSV Alpha, Filthy Bastards and FC Twente. Also known for being the most boring city in The Netherlands as it has no touristic values as such and is only still full of young students due to an ill-decision of placing a university in such a dreary place. Locals, though friendly on the outside are mostly xenophobic. The city is full of German "Nazi" runaways considering its close proximity to Germany.

The University, which hopes to be technical university - even though they have courses on psychology -, is full of European studies students which are envied by engineering students as they are populated heavily by sexy blonde European girls, mostly. Amongst students of other, more prominent, actual technical universities in the Netherlands, the university is known as 'Camping', with their students being regarded to as 'Kampers' and 'Boeren', which can be translated with trailer-trash and farmers, respectively. Further they hope to be like the second best technical university in Europe - they bought-over their CEO -, but clearly aren't.

Arnhem[edit | edit source]

One of the most dangerous underground cities in the world, probably because here, a woman gave birth to a devil that, directly after he crawled out of her vagina he raped 27.78 nurses and german people (true story, really happened). aint that beast?! Also, it is the capital of "Gelderland" (sometimes pronounced as Geilderland) a province in the glorious country of Holland, and it has one of the biggest and most famous zoos in europe, Burger's Zoo.

It is believed by many that while Arnhem is a city in The Netherlands it does not actually want to be part of The Netherlands. As far back as 1955 there have been elaborate demonstrations involving scarves and ducttape where people would try to seal Arnhem off from the rest of The Netherlands. Many residents of Arnhem believe the criminality is brought in from the rest of The Netherlands. The emblem of Arnhem, shows a siamese handicapped twin eagle once the pope's pet, but now a friendly crack addict mascotte...

A list of famous residents:

Also, Arnhem is located near to a very tiny town called Gendt. This brilliant place is lived in by even more dangerous people. There are only 2 visitors who made it out of their alive. It stinks hugely, to a mix of cows poo and weed. The inhabitants are mostly farmers, as well as the rest of the population of Holland.

Amsterdam[edit | edit source]

Known affectionately as the world's largest street corner (approximatically the corner of Invasion Route Eins, and Tulip road), Amsterdam has a long history of providing means to the Dutch of getting Drunk, high, stoned, smashed, wavered, or racially integrated (especially during ze German Occupation). To get an accurate idea of the services available]]: it would take even the toughest, most battle-hardened Dutchman over 400 years to smoke all the marihuana available on one Amsterdam square meter. There have been families that attempted this. Only one has ever gotten close, their end was particularly nasty.

Known for its professional cleaning agent Ajax, and its many new age retro hippies occupying every street corner of this very large street corner, playing bad stoner music (which nobody takes notice of because they're all just as high) while asking you and your mom for cash, so that they may buy more pot.

Amsterdam is also rather famous for being home to the "Wallen" (Bags Under Eyes, loosely translated). The Wallen is the very best Red Light District in man controlled universe (except maybe for Venus). Also the really like hippie cream. Amsterdam is very famous because of the dwarf community that lives in the centre of Amsterdam. All buildings are dwarfsized. Every wednesday the Dutch hunt the dwarfs for their meat.

Schiermonnikoog[edit | edit source]

This small island is infact a city and has written history as the only island that has never been captured during the German Occupation. Together with the towns of Bovenkarspel and Wyrmbritseradiel it has been on the forefront of the 1943 rebellion where the Dutch midwives stood up against the German Occupiers and managed to push them back to the very heart of Dresden. This historical event led the Dutch to regain full control over their breweries. The defenses that kept this island as Holland's last bastion during the Occupation can still be marvelled at. Many Germans visit these sites during high summer, often praising the site by digging additional trenches on the beach.

The Hague[edit | edit source]

Named because it isn't just "a" Hague, but it is truly "The" Hague. The Hague is considered one of the few places on earth that is truly full of the letters:"ue" Being filled with Mosques, Morgues, rogues, and Frenchmen saying: Que? . It's also the home and political seat of Prime Minister Harry Potter, where he decides daily what to wear to the mosque during the wizengamot. The Haque is frequently disturbed by the notorious death eater Gurt Wylders, whom seeks out huff random people with better haircuts than he does. Furthermore it's quite a idyllic town. You can't afford to live there because you're not a lawyer.

Anne Frank huis[edit | edit source]

The Dutch version of Disneyland (Complete with Capitalist world conquering overtones.) Annefrankhuis is known all over the world as the perfect spot to celebrate Christmas because there is a secret room behind the wardrobe where it is very cosy. You can also visit a little girl that few ever saw, and few have actually read about. German attendance has led it to being one of the largest and most profitable theme-parks in the world.

Brussels[edit | edit source]

Note that it is and always hasss. Brussels is known as one of the lowlier sides of the Netherlands, with few deals of any sort going on, it is known affectionately by those who live there as Neutralia. It is expected to be upgraded to the status of Dutch/German Military proving grounds in the near future.

Groningen[edit | edit source]

Some place far away from Amsterdam. Or, at least, that's what the inhabitants of Amsterdam think. In Groningen you'll find some people who understandably really can't be bothered to speak Dutch. Instead, they speak Grunnings, which is actually fucked up German. Famous for its university and some other place that people pretend to study at, the city plays host to the Pride of the North, FC Groningen, a team which is especially notable for never winning a game and still not dropping below the Eredivisie, ever. Just imagine something halfway between a Frisian and a German and you'll get the picture. Groningen even has its own anthem, which is mumbled at all official functions of State in the area.

There is a large tower, sponsored by whichever company makes Martinis. Endorsed by Vinnie Jones and George Clooney. There are yearly riots in a little suburb called Haren, better known as "Project X".

Eindhoven[edit | edit source]

The only place in the world that can be seen from space because its so heavily lit. Philips broke the world record largest-lightbulb contest in 2006, and since that proud day not one person in Eindhoven managed to sleep. The radioactive bulb killed a few people. Eindhoven is also the home of PSV (The second best Football-Club of the Netherlands), the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th winner of the Intergalactic Soccer Cup For DemiGods (ISCDG(the competitions has been held 2times so far). It's also known as Eindhoven ROCKCITY, because of it's notorious underground music scene, including famous bands like herman's sandwich, peter pan speedhuffers and the butthole electricians. Peter pan speedhuffers are notorious for bringing Fat Dennis along with their stage performances, causing major tremors and the rebuilding of the city, making it look suspiciously new.

Utrecht[edit | edit source]

Utrecht is the biggest city of the Netherlands. Nice to see in Utrecht is ' De Dom' (seriously, if you translate it means 'The Stupid'!) it's a big mountain in the midlle of the city. Also nice to do is eating French Fries at 'Friet van Piet' aka Fries from Pies' (The name Piet translated in English). There was a guy, called Peter de Lange. He climbed 'De Dom' and wrote his name on top of it. He was caught and received €500,- for making 'De Dom' a better place to be. There are rumours that an old homosexual clan is hiding in the sewers of Utrecht, they eat potatoes and cheese everyday. If you visit Utrecht once, you're lucky if you see one of them trying to steal food at the mcDonalds. You'll find them completely naked running around the sewers.

“They think they be bettur, just b'cause they get higher notes!”

~ anon on Gymnasiums (or was it Gymnasia?)

Frisia[edit | edit source]

Frisia (Dutch: Friesland, Frisian: Fryslân) is a province in the northern part of The Netherlands. (Anthem: Angerfist - Anti allochtoon)

Back in WWII, Hitler secretly created the übermensch, went back in time to about 500 b.C. and placed them all in Frisia, back then still ranging from the French to the Danish border. Frisian people have their own über-Germanic language, which is actually older than Dutch. Frisian people are generally athletic, tall people with blue eyes, blonde hair and big boobs, stubborn but nice people, with some exceptions in that. Sadly, through mixup with German, dialects came to existance under which Dutch, Gronings, and even English (which mixed with Norse, Danish and French).

From 1500, when in the last provinces around Frisia (Groningen and Noord-Holland) the Frisian language went extinct and was replaced by Nether-Saxon dialects, Frisian people's thrive to take over Holland has increased and hopefully someday they will succeed in that.

Frisian people in general hate minorities like Moroccan and Turkish people, especially the young Moroccan and Turkish, who seizes to destroy all Germanic races.

Zoetermeer[edit | edit source]

Zoetermeer is actually the military training ground of the Dutch Elite Special Forces. This is smartly covered by bragging about their large number of sports clubs and facilities. The city hosts a ridiculous amount of train stations in a very strategic shape around the entire city. These are in fact underground nuclear bunkers providing shelter for the populace and housing for the Netherlands Elite Ninja Guitar Commando Units. Also known for having a big amount of really good Halo players. However, a propaganda television show nationally known as 'Hart van Nederland', announced the birth of yet another child with the Antichrist element replacing most of the water in its physical molecular composition. At birth, the child defined itself as the "Glory of all that is considered more or less evil by modern social morals and values" and extensive DNA studies on the child prove it most likely must've been the product of Geert Wilders and a one-toothed back-ally transgender prostitute with purple-dyed pubic hair.

Duft[edit | edit source]

The main source of Jetschers, sometimes incorrectly spelled as 'Jetzers' by 'People Unfamiliar With Rules', and burning coffee machines. Belgians are far more superior in every sense, sending their best retards over to exchange knowledge on getting high. This is mainly due to their high knowledge of calculus, which comes in handy in trying to determine the amount of 'pinten' they can still consume.

Emmen[edit | edit source]

Emmen is actually a piece of asteroid which crashed into holland from which life-forms emerged that swallow all E's when they talk, and are able of producing gigantic amounts of vegetables, all of which to sell to the French or the Germans. The life-forms have blendend into the rest of the Netherlands and are slowly taking over the country. The recent influx of Expats have slowed this infection considerably, because they are constantly shanking people that are infected. The remaining, Dull, Populace of Emmen thinks this is a crime influx, but actually, they are saving the country by killing Infected. Nobody sees that, which is why there are so many Expats in Jail in Holland. But Mainly Emmen.

Ohh, and there is 1 1/2 zoo('s).

Venlo[edit | edit source]

In Venlo, hookers can be found on every corner of the street and most of its inhabitants are of Turkish and Moroccan descent. The native Dutch of Venlo collectively converted to hinduism in the late 1980s. Also, Venlo, not including all other Limburg people are recorded to be the most retarted people EVER!!!

Venlo has an international hot air balloon airport with 219 daily flights to the Islamic Republic of Scotland.

Stompwijk[edit | edit source]

The three farms that together form the village of Stompwijk, are famous for absolutely nothing at all, except for being a nice space filler in the Green Heart of the Netherlands as well as the biggest open air prison in the world. Stompwijk is often referred to as "Stomwijk" (Dumbville). The only person who voluntarely lives there, is John Doe, a garden gnome, who terrorises the small village every thursday. All other human inhabitants (24 to be exact) are criminals who are sentenced to death by boredom. The population of Stompwijk varies in size, at the moment, Stompwijk has 25 human inhabitants and over 300 cows, while during the World War I (video game) the village was a ghost village.

Ede[edit | edit source]

They're supposed to have the best cinema in Holland, but then WHY THE HELL DON'T THEY SELL POPCORN!!! In Ede, there's a large number of foreigners who like to beat up innocent people. Luckily, the residentials of Ede have found a solution for this problem. When they are being harassed, they lie down on the ground and yell for the brick-god. It then rains bricks, hopefully on the attackers. A brickrain is a common sight in Ede, which is why it is also called: "Tegeldorp" (= brick village). Further investigation of the residents shows that their IQ is on average 25 points lower then anywhere else in The Netherlands. This is thought to have been caused by incest, which is common in Ede. They see it as a ritual to get to know each other better. They do it every evening. Astonishingly, Ede also has the highest number of lazy people in the entire Netherlands. Pupils having to cycle to school for five minutes often complain to the students living further away, about the agonising pain they endure when cycling. The others then shrug and blaim their stupidity on the incest.

Oegstgeest[edit | edit source]

People who have made enough money in the international cannabis-circuit get to live in Oegstgeest (Pronounced: Ugstgeyst). A long time ago, tall gnomes invaded Oegstgeest and started hunting the unicorns and lions that habited this place. When there weren't enough unicorns left to feed the large population of gnomes and they were threatened with extinction, the gnomes found the infinite source of weed, the holy grail (King Arthur tried to find this one his entire life, but was set up and took a golden cup back to his castle). Since then, Oegstgeests' habitants are herbivores and live in harmony with nature, constantly being stoned and chasing flying pink elephants.

Baarle-Nassau[edit | edit source]

Long time ago both Dutch and Belgians came to place where currently occurs Belgian Baarle-Hertog city and Dutch Baarle-Nassau. Because both Dutch and Belgians are peacful nations, they decided that they will build their building in that place independently. That led to situation where buildings were totally mixed up (one Dutch next to Belgian that was next to Dutch which was surrounded by bunch of Dutch buildings surronded by ring of Belgian ones). Evertyhing connected to administration was all right for a long time (you could go to any office Dutch or Belgian regardless in which building you lived, and helpful clerks would help you anyway). But one day Belgian and Dutch citizens had argument about which sport shall they choose as most popular sport in city. Belgian idea was football and Dutch idea was cricket or marijuana smoking. They didn't like idea of each other and then hostility came to this city. Both nations started to set borders. But soon they came to conclusion that it could be hard. Anyway they did it what resulted in many odd situations. For example many houses has been divided between both Holland and Belgium or some buildings has been closed in enclaves surrounded by other nation's buildings. It became to be a real nuisance to live in this city when you have to remember that you can smoke marijuana only in Dutch part of your flat while moving to its Belgian part can result in arrest...

Leiden[edit | edit source]

Leiden is also one of the least famous cities in the Netherlands, mostly because of all the terrorist attacks that happen there - for which it is also known as "Lijden" (Suffering). It became famous a long time ago, to be exactly, at the time Spain attacked the Netherlands, and especially Leiden. When Leiden was under siege by the Spanish general Alba, there was, besides a burger king and the body of the mayor, nothing to eat. But luckily there were the so called 'geuzen'. Their job was simple: take a houwitser, blow some dikes, let the water flow, and Alva will run! They succeeded in blowing the dikes, and despite the loss of 10000 drowned inhabitants of Leiden, the mission was accomplished. The mayor of Leiden, Omega, brother of Alva, wasn't that happy with the loss of so many people. The geuzen had to choose, pay $1000000,- US Dollars to compensate the taxes, or being banished to the Middle-East. The second choice turned out to be the best one. Nowadays, the geuzen, better known as Al Qaida, are a succesfull organisation with headquarters in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan and, the new business, Jemen! 'It's a shame we don't have dikes here, but the 'blowing' part of the strategy is still very succesfull' Said head-of-staff O.B. Laden a short time ago. The mayor of Leiden already invited O.B. Laden back in Leiden. For the readers who live in Leiden, Laden accepted and is currently building a new headquarter next to the train station (with all those colors).

Nijmegen[edit | edit source]

Nijmegen, sometimes spelled BetterThanArnhem, is a megalopolis with 1293uej89r489 inhabitants in eastorthern Netherlands. They niece of the owner of the dog of the Mayor's sister organises the Vierdaagse, which means that people from all over the country voluntarily come there and walk for about 40 kilometers, not just one, but four days in a row. They do that to hide their depression or to be away from their wife for a few days. Besides that, Nijmegen is home to the Dutch championships of stone skipping in the Waal river and simultaniously hitting ducks.

Helmond[edit | edit source]

Helmond is an city filled with old castles from the old times. In the Heistraat (translated to heistreet) you can find a drug dealer at every corner. The native people are also known for dumping the 'GO-Scooters' (public transport scooters) in the Zuid-Willemsvaard (South-Willemschannel). A safe and beautiful place to raise children.

World Domination Plans[edit | edit source]

In August 1966, psychic and former mafia correspondent Luigi "Oh no, not again" Brachtzachztatchtull had a revelation that the Netherlands will take over the world. However, for decades, Brachtzachztatchtull's prophecy was disgregarded by other prophets as an elaborate hoax designed to brew anti-Dutch sentiments among Chilean penguins. It was not until July 17, 2006, that Brachtzachztatchtull's prophecy was comfirmed to be fact true by the Netherlands' prime minister, Jan Potter Balkenende. In the official press statement, Balkenende declared, "we, the Netherlands, in fact do have plans for world domination, and all those other countries don't stand a chance." The world domination plans have not fully been put into action yet, but are scheduled to start in June 2009. By December 12, the Netherlands plan to control every corner of the world. Including Antarctica. The plan was also to destroy the Vladivostok Socialist Republic, which was a threat to the Great Joint W/Fleed. When this was completed, the Dutch would have control of all drugs, alcohol, and xxxl condoms in the world! Delfzijl would be the second WeedCity!

The new empire will be called The Netherlandss, with the additional S to distinguish it from the former country. Balkenende made a press statement on September 4 concerning the outline for world domiantion plans, and the structure of the new government. Balkenende stated that all this information is "strictly top secret and classified." He subsequtnly issued another press statement on September 5, which simply says, "Oops."

The great minds of Appeltern in coorperation with Oscar Wilde, master Chief, Chuck Norris, Hans Teeuwen and Shigeru Miyamoto, are as we speak thinking of a plan to stop Luigi "Oh no, not again" Brachtzachztatchtull and Jan Potter Balkenende. Appeltern: "We whish to appologize for the inconvenience, this whole situation went unnoticed by us, for we were busy constructing and installing the Presidentionator 2000 mk2 (aka Barak Obama), don't worry, we'll take care of it!" After this communications seized, but experts believe the solution has something to do with the internets, oscar wilde and cream filled scones. Also the Royal Dutch Marine Corps has been training with the English Royal Marines, the Norwegian Vikings and the Irish. Stealing tactics, and sleeping with their wives to breed Dutch patriotism into the English and Norwegian population. The many nude jokes on Monty Pythons' The Dutch Are Taking over the World are an excelent example of how the cunning Dutch people redirect the English culture into a drugloving, and beer-drinking society. Obviously with help from the Irish, who drink as much themselves. The tactics of the Royal Dutch Marine Corps extend from shooting people who can be seen (english sniper tactics), up to blowing up who cannot be seen. This tactic leaves the English guerillas defenseless, as they are very good at hiding because of Scottish Import Ghillie Suits, and thus get blown op. This is how the Dutch won several wars against England, including in 1665, 1665 part II, 1666, 1667, 1668, 1670, 1760 and the Gothic War. But sadly in 2010 New Zealand save the world from the fucking Netherlands so now they can't take over the world. Or can they?

See also[edit | edit source]