The Miniature German Reich of Luxembourg
Luxembourg official translation: midget faced shithole licker
|Motto: "Big things come in small packages."|
|Anthem: "Leutzebuerg Über Alles!"|
(scale- 1/2 size)
|Official language(s)||French, Wannabe German|
|‑ Prime Minister||Uncle Maurice|
|National Hero(es)||Uncle Maurice, Midgets, and Beer.|
|Declared Independent after the Invention of Beer. temporarily disbanded after WWI|
|Currency||the Luxembourgian Vader (It was never the franc!)|
|Major exports||War, and small watches|
|Major imports||Anything German and European|
Luxembourg, (known in the local language, Luxembourgeois, as Legoland) or, more formally, The European Capital District of Luxembourg, is ruled by a group of investment bankers and tax consultants and is home to a small band of French people pretending not to live in France. It is a tiny, tiny, tiny insignificant country nestled in the downy bosom of Europe, and yet is not so small to preclude dreams of eventual world conquest among four of its population. Unfortunately, these dreams seemed to be dashed when the world organisation for economics said that the "used toilet seat shop" in Rome actually boasted a larger GDP than the self styled "Grand Duchy".
History[edit | edit source]
Early history[edit | edit source]
Luxembourg was founded in 818 by King Ethelred of Holland who wanted some place to store his lawnmower. It was first discovered by a ravaging and rampaging gang of surprised cartographers in 1066 who discovered that there was a blank bit on their map. This is significant in that, until Petoria was repatriated back into the USA in 2001, there were no other unaccounted for blank bits on the surface of the globe. Settlement by various European and Swiss peoples (fleeing religious and financial persecution) began in 1987. Under the leadership of exiled German warlords, the tiny fledgling country soon experienced explosive growth in population, economic productivity, indigenous yodeling. Tax avoidance schemes were implemented soon after, much to the envy and consternation of the neighbouring countries of Germany, France, and Canada, not to mention the ever-present killer moose.
Recent years[edit | edit source]
The biggest event in Luxembourg was of course World War 2, or battle of Maurice's ear as they call it, due to the fact that uncle Maurice lost an ear and glued it back on with his own sperm whilst tending to the wounded. Of course, during the influenza epidemic of 1946, over 90% of the population caught the disease due to only 10% receiving inoculation. (Lucy happened to have had her inoculation at school). However, there were no human fatalities, but half of the livestock were wiped out. This was in fact unrelated to the flu, but because Fluffy, Lucy's cat, was hit by Luxembourg's car. Incidentally, Luxembourg is the only country in the world that Toyota can claim to have a complete monopoly, but this may not last, as Maurice is thinking of buying an Audi soon, which would boost national Audi sales by 100%.
The Killer Moose in Luxembourg[edit | edit source]
Although unknown to the settles who first arrived in Luxembourg, the countryside is full of Killer Moose, which live only in the boundaries of the country. The killer moose has been a major figurehead of the Luxembourgish National Struggle since its foundation. Because of this, all the way until 1993 when a formal declaration of independence from the moose was signed, Luxembourg was constantly at war with Killer moose. Skirmishes however still break out every day, and peace is tenuous at best.
Inhabitants[edit | edit source]
Only 9 people live in Luxembourg, 8 men and a slightly terrified woman. That is not including Courtney. Courtney is a half-male half-female jackalope with three eyes who has a fetish for faggots and doughnuts. (all Luxemburgers are cousins apart from the king who is the mother of every human in Western Europe). It is however not the smallest country in Europe as there are only 8 people in Monaco, 7 in Switzerland, 5 in Andorra and Herr J.F Klaustein in Lichtenstein. The inhabitants all are stamp makers, are small and all look the same (aprt from Uncle Maurice, who has no left ear. for more information, see wars).
Culture[edit | edit source]
Reich Grand Duchy is very well known for a unique ability possessed by its inhabitants: the ability to produce the "best" barbecues in the world. So well known are these BBQ that people from around the world come to these events and brings their beloved pets to participate in this ceremony. The tradition has held up even through numerous invasions over the centuries as, with so much of Europe, there has been no shortage of things on fire. A key element to this type of gathering if the kind of beverage used to wash down the food. Having the best grapes in the world, not to mention the universe, the Luxembourgeois decided to produce the best wine ever produced, since the Romans. However, Luxembourg does not export wine since, according to the Luxembourgeois people, they "keep the good stuff for themselves and export the bad stuff".
Because Luxembourg has only one neighbourhood, all citizens are invited to each barbecue, hosted by a different manor each week. Because this is the only time the entire population can be found in one place, it is not uncommon to witness the formulation of national policies at these events. The Luxemburger is a staple food at Luxembourgeois barbecues and has attracted diplomats from as far away as Bhutan to attend as guests of honor.
Language[edit | edit source]
Luxembourgeois is a pidgin of French and German and so is, to a limited extent, comprehensible to native speakers of both languages. The Luxembourgeois take pride in the fact that nobody can determine the type of accent they have when speaking English (which they learn for about 26 years), with some people guessing they have a French accent and some people guessing they have a German accent. In reality they have a Luxamborghini accent, although not even they are sure.
If you walk down the street listening to the average Luxembugger speaking, you might hear them say Schmengen, Schmengen, Schmengen. Aside from it all sounding like a bagful of rabid cats, Ech mengen means "I think." Taking the last half of that phrase "Mengen" and combinging it with "Scheiße" we get the "Schmengin" or better known as "Shit-thinking". This is in reference to thinking like the French.
Should you get a wrong number and find a guy starts shouting NUMMER DEI DIR GEWIELT HUT GET ET NET, then you should really hang up and dial again, because otherwise you'll hear him yelling at you in English and French and German, and you may well lose the will to live.
Industry and Entertainment[edit | edit source]
On the other hand the film industry seems to be blooming in Luxembourg. Apparently, the anal fixation with the Highlander movies helped the film industry to flourish, resulting in the creation of the types of film that makes your pubic hair curls in spasms of joy.
Known for its artificial eggs and tree milk, Luxembourg is the original home of Dairy Queen Super Saiyan 3.
The people of Luxembourg often like to indulge in the art of tree-catching, a sport which has baffled many yet captured the hearts of 7 out of every 9 Luxembeggars. The only criticism that the sport of tree-catching has received from the Luxembourg council of sports and glue manufacturing is that no one came up for a more imaginative title for the game.
See also[edit | edit source]
- There can be only one. Well, there's only room for one anyway.