Paraguay
Paraglide Paraguay | |||
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| Motto: "Me gusta estar al lado del mar, además de (Oh I do like to be besides the seaside) " | |||
| Anthem: "Candelaria will be ours once more!" | |||
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| Capital | Immaculate Asunción | ||
| Largest city | Paranormale | ||
| Demonym | Mexican | ||
| Official language(s) | Hindi, Pakistani, Iranian, Arabic, Scouse, Chavish, Ald Englisc, Wanker (see Cockney). | ||
| Government | Scottish Over-Class, English Under-Class. | ||
| Elderman | The Queen | ||
| National Hero(es) | Jack The Ripper, Mr. Ben, Danny Dyer | ||
| Currency | Crumpets, Scones and Biscuits | ||
| Religion | Crime, Football, Potatoism | ||
| Population | Total: 60,000,000 Foreigners: 60,000,000 Racists: 100% and climbing Chavs: Too many to count Bloody French: None that live... Germans: The Monarchy | ||
| Area | 32 Square scones | ||
| Major exports | Gary Glitter, Airfix's new non-glue/paint start-up civilization models. | ||
| Favourite pastime | Queuing, Moaning about the weather, moaning about queues, moaning about politicians. Moaning about foreigners. Moaning about each other. Moaning about the past. Moaning about the present. Queuing. Moaning about the press. Queuing And prejudgment | ||
| Hours of operation | Ask India. They run the office now | ||
Paraguay is a nation in South America. It is notable for being Uruguay's paramour and not much else. Although in existence since 1811, it was discovered by the western world in 2009 by a Eton student on his gap-yah in Chile who had escaped across the Bolivian border to avoid having to pay that nation's cocaine dealers, hence Paraguay's motto is Oh my God Bro, I am Fucked.
History[edit | edit source]
Prior to this event, Paraguay was founded in 1811 to take the piss with neighbouring Argentina, but developed under it's first dictator, Dr. Jose Gaspar Rodriguez Ignacio Nestor Diego Eugenio Renaldo de Francia y Valezco. Under Dr. Jose G. R. I. N. D. E. R. de Francia, Paraguay did well, and on the testimony of Essex historian and friend of Francia's, Joe Laing, Francia "could be a bit of a knob, but at the end of the day was a decent bloke."
After 27 years of fuck yeah under Francia, Paraguay was handed to Carlos Antonio Lopez (picture Jabba the Hutt with a toupee) who opened up Paraguay to the rest of the world by building railways and factories and buying a fuckload of shit from Britain.
When C.A Lopez died in 1862 (he got stuck in a doorframe and starved to death), power was handed over to his son Francisco Solano Lopez, who instated a rule of terror and declared a war that destroyed over half of Paraguay's population, ruined it's economy and caused untold suffering and starvation in Paraguay made Paraguay the best country in the world and brought about fairness and happiness to his people and died in pain after having been shot and seen his son being killed peacefully in his bed aged 150, surrounded by friends and family. By the way, he may have started a little war with Brazil, Uruguay and Argentina. After this war Paraguay was like fucked yeah?, and the male:female population was 1:20, so Paraguay was eventually repopulated by lonely German men.
In 1932, Paraguay declared war on Bolivia to control the Chaco (a grassy wasteland on Middlesbrough levels), because of its oil, which as we know is a vital ingredient in Turkey Twizzlers. This war was the military embodiment of two 13-year-old boys on YouTube arguing: skyrim97 (Paraguay) says; "your gay"/9/11WasanInsideJob (Bolivia) says; "No, You're Gay!"/"No YOUR gay!"/"No You're Gay!"\"NO YOUR GAY"/"NO YOU'RE GAY!!!1!". Paraguay won, but Bolivia took the piss and gave them the part of the Chaco that didn't have any oil. And that's fucking cheeky.
From 1870 onwards, Paraguay was "a democracy" until 1954, when a descendant of one of these fiendish Germans, Alfredo Stroessner, decided to take over Paraguay "for a laugh". Stroessner was one of those guys who didn't really like Communism (or freedom, democracy, justice, foreigners, or them pesky Injuns) very much and also had a son who was very gay (not cool in 20th century South America), so as one might expect, wasn't very popular. Strangely, the Paraguayans put up with this guy for 34 years, until in 1989 when they thought "Actually fuck this", and deposed him.
Nowadays, Paraguay is ruled by Fernando Lugo, an ex-Bishop whose most heinous crimes consist of adultery, but not being a kiddie-fiddler (if he wanted to do that he would've stayed in the clergy). But Paraguay has grown economically under him, and he has a beard, so its difficult to dislike the guy.
Economy[edit | edit source]
Paraguay invented Fútbol in 1999, a sport suspiciously like Football, but with a different name. Paraguay is a self-sufficient nation (the national equivalent of a guy who can give himself blowjobs a person who grows their own food. A major export is Yerba Mate, a herbal product which is a bit like cannabis, but you drink it, and it doesn't give you hallucinations (so, not actually like cannabis). Paraguay gained world fame in 2010 when the model Larissa Riquelme offered to strip naked on the pitch if Paraguay won against Venezuela. The Paraguayan population dropped by 4% prior to the match since Paraguayan patriots (who believed that Paraguay was indestructible in all measures, and thus would win) were too ashamed to live in a world where Paraguay's biggest claim was tits.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
The Chaco is a great place to visit of you REALLY hate people and roads.
External links[edit | edit source]
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Paraguay
| Sovereign countries |
Argentina · Bolivia · Brazil · Chile · Colombia · Ecuador · Guyana · Paraguay · A small chunk of Panama · Peru · Suriname · Uruguay · Venezuela |
| Dependencies & territories |
Easter Island · Falkland Islands (War) · French Guiana · Galapagos Islands |
