Jesusland
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| National Motto: "In God We Trust" | |||||
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| Official language | American | ||||
| Capital | Texas | ||||
| Dictator |
Jesus; George W. Bush, Adolf Hitler, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader (de facto) | ||||
| Religion | Religious Right | ||||
| Independence | None, civil liberties are banned to all Freedom Lovers | ||||
| Currency | Oil | ||||
| National Anthem | "The Christ-Spangled Jesus" | ||||
| National Holiday | Jesus' birthday (note: birthdays are now called freedomdays in Jesusland) | ||||
| National Slogan |
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- You may be looking for Heavenland but be too dumb to realize.
“Bloomin' tourists!”
Jesusland is a God fearing utopia, situated primarily in North America. It comprises 31 states formerly part of the United States, (now an archaic term for the region) as well as 1 from Canada (a term rarely used today). The states were liberated of the nation of godless sodomites after the 2004 presidential election. It has several territories with unique diverse brands of Fundamentalist Young Earth Creationist Extremist Conservative Flat Earth Christianity. It is also referred to, with varying formality, as Christian Country, the God's Country, the Pure Country, the Cleansed Country, and the Land of the Free (Christians). It is also known by the heathen Mexicans as "The Land of no Return" because once one sets foot, by the will of the lord they are killed on the spot.
Jesusland is often described, critically and affectionately, as being organized like a diverse workplace in the heart of the extremely advanced Southern Jesusland. A culture placing strong value in salvation and goodness, Jesusland is believed to be the real place that Jesus visited 2000 years ago, and the original location of the Garden of Eden.
History[edit | edit source]
Although unknown to many inhabitants of Jesusland due to their common trait of devotion to the lord, the United States of Canada, a confederation of freedom hating states, came into existence in the early 21st century when, for the second time, George W. Bush and his administration successfully won, by God's will, the presidential election. Hence, most attribute the existence of Jesusland to the Democrats who were pissed in 2004 because their candidate lost to George Bush. George Bush was upset at this turn of events, and subsequently condemned to Satan's anus because he attempted to invade Jesusland on the pretext of discovering hidden caches of WMDs, known as Holy Hand Grenades. George Dubuya actually is the J man how else would he know to send his army of nookyular powered monkey robots to Pakistanavania to destroy Cyberdracula.
Geography[edit | edit source]
Geography is taught in Jesusland schools using the kosher book "Fundamentalist Christian Geography for Dummies, God's Will for the rest of US". Typically accepted scientific theories regarding the shifting of continents are not accepted in Jesusland because the Bible clearly denounces them as heathen doctrine that spread hate and murder amongst the youth. Instead it is largely accepted in Jesusland that the continents are a big puzzle that God is working on, they came solved (Pangea), and he constantly is moving them around trying to find their original places. Clearly he's saving Japan for last.
Jesusland citizens believe that all-natural phenomena are the will of God. Thunder, rain, lightning, taxes are all attributed to God (or Satan, depending on nothing at all). Ever since this radical shift in education the grades of scholars have been soaring. Evidence, some say, of this magnificent new reform.
For example, a question regarding the origin of acid rain can be answered (rather than with a long-winded heathen explanation of pollution and the water cycle) with "God!" or "Satan!". There is very little difference between the two answers, but many Jesusland citizens lean towards one or the other. Even the long explanation could not give you enough information as most people forget the acid rain is actually God's urine and huge hailstones are God's kidney stones.
The country of Jesusland is planning on expanding into the "mud race" countries surrounding them. The liberation of United States of Canada is set for the date of 2033. They hope to rid Canada of its diseases and plagues such as beaver overpopulation, beer shortages, multiculturalism, coronavirus, terrorists, French, and diversity. The reason for the far projected date is the investigation into how the French people swam all the way to Canada en mass.
Contrary to this view is that of the original Canadian philosopher MoJo of TO. This resplendent individual passionately maintains that there is no such thing as too much beaver. And if there was that would be okay. Also, he avers that there has never been a shortage of Canadian beer. At least not since he quit drinking the stuff.
In 2004, Virginia, Ohio, North Carolina, Iowa, New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado, Indiana and Florida started a civil war and left the Union.
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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| America & Friends |
United States of America · Canada (British Columbia) · Mexico |
| Irrelevant Islands |
Acadia · Cayman Islands · Cuba · Ernst Thälmann Island · Barbados · Bermuda triangle · Dominican Republic · Greenland · Haiti · Jamaica · Martinique · Monkey Island · Pen Island · St. Pierre and Miquelon · Tortuga · Trinidad and Tobago · Tropico |
| Yes, They Count |
Belize · Costa Rica · El Salvador · Guatemala · Honduras · Nicaragua · Panama |
