Bizarro Jesus

“This guy scared the white out of me.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bizarro Jesus

“This is God speaking. That is all.”

~ God on Bizarro Jesus

“This guys a clown, i'm way awesomer than he is”

~ Real Jesus on Bizarro Jesus

Born at around 70 AD, Bizarro Jesus was created by Buddha in an attempt to restore the cosmic balance back to a state of neutrality. The exact Yin to the Original Jesus's Yang, Bizarro Jesus was the complete polar opposite of our true Lord and Saviour (though, strangely, not the anti-Christ). While not evil per se, Bizarro Jesus' singular aim was to follow Jesus' life, but taking the dark path instead of the light one, there by bringing harmony once more to the universe. Physically, he looked just like the Original Jesus, except he had no beard, just a goatee moustache taken from a (willing) goat.

Oh, and he had blue skin as well

Bizarro Jesus, a Life in Bullet Points

• Was born following the miracle of 'un-immaculate' conception (knocked up by three bikers on a pool table whose semen mixed and somehow became an acid pool from which he emerged)
• Studied to be an insurance salesman
• Turned wine into Urine
• Never ever went on and on about his dad...not even once!
• Ate the poor
• Attacked the crippled
• Repelled many potential followers with his scatalogical and highly racist Sermon in the Ditch
• Lasted about 20 minutes in the desert before magiking up a bean burrito
• During the last breakfast he got drunk, and slept with the waitress
• Had a few more suppers afterwards
• Killed Lazarus
• Served some time, got out and got back on track....for a few hours
• Sold out Bizzaro Judas to the Romans for some ice cream
• Rewarded by the Romans with a nought that was Fedex'ed to Golgotha, enhancing his breathing
• The enhanced breathing and ensued surplus blood creation killed him from blood excess when he said: "It has begun".
• Died after surviving for a day. Or three days.
• Now waits to stand on the left foot of Bizarro-God, a weak frail all-hating and evil single-presence dot who is fated to destroy everything in Senegis and who serves limbless cyclops, Bizarro Angels.

The Many Marvellous Miracles of Bizarro Jesus

Eat this, for this is my flesh.

• Turned water into urine and drank it, saying cryptically, "This cup is the old testament in my blood: this don't do ye, as ne'er ye drink it, and forget of me."
• Brutally murdered 5000 people and fed their remains to two loaves of bread and a fish.
• Walked underwater
• Set up payday loans at the Temple; ("This is a house of bargains!")
• Killed Bizarro Lazarus; ("He killed for your sins")
• Sucked blood from his right side on the cross when Shortinus refused to stab it with his ball.
• Knew nothing
• Had an F-- in rhetorics
• Threw rocks at people5
• Turned chalk into Meth
• Got the Holy Spirit drunk on his own Holy Spirit while in a "Too Drunk to Funk" T-Shirt
• Is a Satanist
• Loved by the Pharisees
• Ran away from the Cross when rewarded by the Morans

Bizarro Jesus Quotes

"Judge not lest ye feel like buying me a pint"

"Cursed are the freaks, for they shall become performers in circuses."

"Father, why have you forsa-- ... Oh, wait."

"What, a rap battle? Okay, but you should know that I'm Bizarro Jesus - that means if I lose I'm going to stab you in the jaw."

• " But I say unto you "=" That every idle word that Men shall speak "=" they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. "=" Mat 12:36 "="

External Links

• An incarnation of Bizarro Jesus appears in the webcomic Minimalist Stick Figure Theatre

† The Holy Family of the Jesii †

The Sacred Host of Major Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. Main Jesii Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself! Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother: Jebus Evil Jesus: Like the Antichrist, but worse. ¿Qué?: Jesús Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus Placebo Jesus : Will never lift a finger for you, no matter what you believe! Your own: Personal Jesus Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! Jesus' very own Homeland: Jesusland Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming! Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus MicroJesus: A teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins. Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. But what If Jesus had lived in America? The So-So Company of Other Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. Monster Jesii Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard Save yourself from Werejesus! Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: New York, watch out! This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus Munchie Jesii Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! A stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! Bad Jesii Atheist Jesus: You won't believe his disbelief... French Jesus: Djesus Piss Christ: Ewww! You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus Communist Jesus: In Soviet Russia, Jesus dies for YOU! Pestering your grandpa's social media: AI Jesus Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know it is it is yes, babs, it's probably Original Jesus. Funny Jesii Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century. Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? Try our new McWine(TM)!: McJesus Musical Jesii Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you The Jewish Rap Sensation: MC Jesus Rockstar Jesus: Singer and Songwriter Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus Twisted Jesii Jesus 1.5a: An alpha prototype Christ. Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank too much wine at the last supper. Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone He's blonde, cultish, and "not" a Nazi: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Pseudo-Jesii Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin Kyle Broflovski: The Passion of the Jew He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! BILLY MAYS Jesus LaBrie: That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something. Exiled from Babylon: Rasta Jesus Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus If you are still unsatisfied with these Jesii, you can always check out even... More Jesii