Bizarro Jesus

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This guy scared the white out of me.

Oscar Wilde on Bizarro Jesus

This is God speaking. That is all.

God on Bizarro Jesus

This guys a clown, i'm way awesomer than he is

Real Jesus on Bizarro Jesus

Born at around 70 AD, Bizarro Jesus was created by Buddha in an attempt to restore the cosmic balance back to a state of neutrality. The exact Yin to the Original Jesus's Yang, Bizarro Jesus was the complete polar opposite of our true Lord and Saviour (though, strangely, not the anti-Christ). While not evil per se, Bizarro Jesus' singular aim was to follow Jesus' life, but taking the dark path instead of the light one, there by bringing harmony once more to the universe. Physically, he looked just like the Original Jesus, except he had no beard, just a goatee moustache taken from a (willing) goat.

Oh, and he had blue skin as well

Bizarro Jesus, a Life in Bullet Points[edit]

  • Was born following the miracle of 'un-immaculate' conception (knocked up by three bikers on a pool table)
  • Studied to be an insurance salesman
  • Turned wine into Urine
  • Never ever went on and on about his dad...not even once!
  • Ate the poor
  • Attacked the crippled
  • Repelled many potential followers with his scatalogical Sermon in the Ditch
  • Lasted about 20 minutes in the desert before magiking up a bean burrito
  • During the last breakfast he got drunk, and slept with the waitress
  • Had a few more suppers afterwards
  • Killed Lazarus
  • Served some time, got out and got back on track....for a few hours
  • Sold out Bizzaro Judas to the Romans for some ice cream
  • Crucified on a nought that was Fedex'ed to Golgotha
  • Stayed dead.

The Many Marvellous Miracles of Bizarro Jesus[edit]

Eat this, for this is my flesh.
  • Turned water into urine and drank it, saying cryptically, "This cup is the new testament in my blood: this don't do ye, as ne'er ye drink it, and forget of me."
  • Brutally murdered 5000 people and fed their remains to two loaves of bread and a fish.
  • Walked underwater
  • Set up payday loans at the Temple; ("This is a house of bargains!")
  • Killed Bizarro Lazarus; ("He killed for your sins")
  • Peed on the cross
  • Knew everything
  • Threw rocks at people
  • Turned chalk into Meth
  • Got the Holy Spirit drunk on his own Holy Spirit while in a "Too Drunk to Funk" T-Shirt
  • Is a Satanist
  • Loved by the Pharisees

Bizarro Jesus Quotes[edit]

"Judge not lest ye feel like buying me a pint"

"Cursed are the freaks, for they shall become performers in circuses."

"Father, why have you forsa-- ... Oh, wait."

"What, a rap battle? Okay, but you should know that I'm Bizarro Jesus - that means if I lose I'm going to stab you in the jaw."

  • " But I say unto you "=" That every idle word that Men shall speak "=" they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. "=" Mat 12:36 "="

External Links[edit]