Bizarro Jesus
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“This guy scared the white out of me.”
“This is God speaking. That is all.”
“This guys a clown, i'm way awesomer than he is”
Born at around 70 AD, Bizarro Jesus was created by Buddha in an attempt to restore the cosmic balance back to a state of neutrality. The exact Yin to the Original Jesus's Yang, Bizarro Jesus was the complete polar opposite of our true Lord and Saviour (though, strangely, not the anti-Christ). While not evil per se, Bizarro Jesus' singular aim was to follow Jesus' life, but taking the dark path instead of the light one, there by bringing harmony once more to the universe. Physically, he looked just like the Original Jesus, except he had no beard, just a goatee moustache taken from a (willing) goat.
Bizarro Jesus, a Life in Bullet Points[edit | edit source]
- Was born following the miracle of 'un-immaculate' conception (knocked up by three bikers on a pool table whose semen mixed and somehow became an acid pool from which he emerged)
- Studied to be an insurance salesman
- Turned wine into Urine
- Never ever went on and on about his dad...not even once!
- Ate the poor
- Attacked the crippled
- Repelled many potential followers with his scatalogical and highly racist Sermon in the Ditch
- Lasted about 20 minutes in the desert before magiking up a bean burrito
- During the last breakfast he got drunk, and slept with the waitress
- Had a few more suppers afterwards
- Killed Lazarus
- Served some time, got out and got back on track....for a few hours
- Sold out Bizzaro Judas to the Romans for some ice cream
- Rewarded by the Romans with a nought that was Fedex'ed to Golgotha, enhancing his breathing
- The enhanced breathing and ensued surplus blood creation killed him from blood excess when he said: "It has begun".
- Died after surviving for a day. Or three days.[1]
- Now waits to stand on the left foot of Bizarro-God, a weak frail all-hating and evil single-presence dot who is fated to destroy everything in Senegis and who serves limbless cyclops, Bizarro Angels.
The Many Marvellous Miracles of Bizarro Jesus[edit | edit source]
|
| Eat this, for this is my flesh. |
- Turned water into urine and drank it, saying cryptically, "This cup is the old testament in my blood: this don't do ye, as ne'er ye drink it, and forget of me."
- Brutally murdered 5000 people and fed their remains to two loaves of bread and a fish.
- Walked underwater
- Set up payday loans at the Temple; ("This is a house of bargains!")
- Killed Bizarro Lazarus; ("He killed for your sins")
- Sucked blood from his right side on the cross when Shortinus refused to stab it with his ball.
- Knew nothing
- Had an F-- in rhetorics
- Threw rocks at people5
- Turned chalk into Meth
- Got the Holy Spirit drunk on his own Holy Spirit while in a "Too Drunk to Funk" T-Shirt
- Is a Satanist
- Loved by the Pharisees
- Ran away from the Cross when rewarded by the Morans
Bizarro Jesus Quotes[edit | edit source]
"Judge not lest ye feel like buying me a pint"
"Cursed are the freaks, for they shall become performers in circuses."
"Father, why have you forsa-- ... Oh, wait."
"What, a rap battle? Okay, but you should know that I'm Bizarro Jesus - that means if I lose I'm going to stab you in the jaw."
- " But I say unto you "=" That every idle word that Men shall speak "=" they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. "=" Mat 12:36 "="
External Links[edit | edit source]
- An incarnation of Bizarro Jesus appears in the webcomic Minimalist Stick Figure Theatre
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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- ↑ The Bizarro Greeks don't count inclusively