Jesusware
The following are excerpts from the Pastafarian religious texts, the Ziti Veda and Macaron Veda (King Edward James Olmos translations), explaining the origin of Jesusware. It should not be confused with the Werejesus under any circumstances.
Ziti Veda[edit | edit source]
Canto 1, Verses 1-9[edit | edit source]
In the Beginning, there was only the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The flying spaghetti monster brought forth the land and the sea, and breathed upon them, and there was life. The flying spaghetti monter looked upon them, and found it good (and tasty!).
And the flying spaghetti monster said to itself, "I have given my creation the shape of Meat, as it exists in me, and now shall I give them the cleverness of my Noodles." And the flying spaghetti monster did so, and brought forth Language, which can be convoluted, or spicy, or soft, or even raw. And Language put itself into the mouth of every beast and fowl.
Canto 3, Verses 1-12[edit | edit source]
And there arose a cry from each mouth, who had so recently known only silence, and they spake as one. "Lord, our food lies in the dirt. It fills us with sadness that we eat off of the base filth and must sully our repast and our bodies. Canst thou not give us a cleanness from which to eat?"
This was very loud, and the flying spaghetti monster sore repented of giving Language to its creation. And the flying spaghetti monster called its gift back from the mouths of each animal, and they were struck dumb again. The flying spaghetti monster rested again in the silence and was content.
Canto 4, Verses 32-67[edit | edit source]
And there was one beast, named Human, that approached the throne of the flying spaghetti monster. "Lord," he said, "why hast thou taken thy grace from our lips?" And the flying spaghetti monster rose up, and asked of Human, "How dost thou speak, though I repented of Language?" And the Human spoke again, and said, "As thou recalled thy gift, I was sharing a meal with my friend Caveman. As his Language left him, I reached out and seized it, and wrapped it about a piece of meat, and swallowed it."
And the flying spaghetti monster was pleased with the ingenuity of Human, and said to him, "To you above all else I will give the gift of Language. And I will send divinity in thy midst, that you may know Me for all time."
And the flying spaghetti monster said to Caveman, "You who are friend to Human, yet you have thwarted my desires. You I shall take from this Earth, and make an example to all of my creation." And the flying spaghetti monster smote Caveman, and made him as dust (exept for a few who he turned into statues for the museam of natural history).
Macaron Veda[edit | edit source]
Canto 3, Verses 1-17[edit | edit source]
And the flying spaghetti monster fashioned a new Human from a piece of his own sacred Meat, and set him upon the Earth. His name was chuck norris, and he was as Man as a man can get. And he went among the men, instructing them in the culinary arts, the whoopass arts and the ways of rugged seamanship (he-he, semen).
And chuck noris heard again the cry from humanity, "Lord, shall we eat of our pasta and rum from the dirt of the Earth?" And chuck norris was moved by their cry (but not enough TO cry), and fashioned for them a disk of earthen construction, and blessed it, and made it as pure as fresh marinara. And he presented this to Man and said, "Upon this place thy food, that it may not be soiled whilst thou partake. Do this in memory of me." And this was named a plate, and in this way chuck norris made also a cup for holding rum, and a fork for the capture of noodles. And these were collected, and shown to Man, and they were good.
This was the first Jesusware (named by chuck norris because jesus is the only person who can ALMOST beat him).
Canto 7, Verses 20-22[edit | edit source]
As time progressed, Man began to clamor for more and more Jesusware, and the name of Jesus spread to the farthest corners of the Earth. Jesus was sore taxed to complete his orders, and worked each day until sunset to create affordable kitchen sets that leveraged his name recognition and grew his brand.
Canto 8, Verses 1-9[edit | edit source]
One day, those who believed they knew the mind of the flying spaghetti monster approached chuck norris, and said to him, "chuck, do you make for us thy earthern Jesusware, that we may eat clean food?" And chuck norris said, "It is you who say that I am." At this they were wroth, and said to him, "And did you not make this even on a Friday, which His Noodlyness has set aside for rest?" And chuck norris said, "It is you who say it, so stop saying it or i'm gonna open a can of whoopass on ya!!!"
And the spaghettisees became irate, and seized chuck , and brought him to the hill that is named Gorgonzola. Here they mounted him upon a great pasta drying rack and meant to kill him, but the flying spaghetti monster reached down his mighty Noodle and took Jesus up into the firmament so that chuck would not completely destroy the earth in his most awesome rage
And the flying spaghetti monster came down upon the Earth, and said unto Man, "Thou hast done ill to He that is of my Meat and made to kill him. Therefore will I sunder your gift of Language, and make it so that not one can understand the other. And never again wilt thou see a complete dining set for such fair prices, or low shipping, sorry no C.O.D.'s." And the flying spaghetti monster removed himself to Heaven, and the tongues of Man were twisted, as when Shiva sold seashells down by the seashore. And the Earth knew no more of Jesusware.
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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