- This article is about the original Jesus. For other meanings of Jesus, see Jesus.
“I'm bigger than The Beatles now.”
Lt. Dan - "Have you found Jesus yet, Gump?"
Forrest Gump - "Sir, I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him."
Jesus Hernandez Christ (first name pronounced HEY-Zeus/Ιησους; plural Jay-Z, diminutive Jessie) was a pretty cool dude from back in the day, and he is one of the greatest men ever to live. Some even think he was The Man. Hell, 2.1 billion people think he was THE Man! He created all fifty American States, except for Indiana, which was created by Satan. He lived a long time ago and nobody knows what color he was, so most people pretend he was white, since most important races are. A lot of people make Jesus seem like he was an uptight dude, but really he just liked to laugh with his buddies, chill out with the disciples, and enjoy a good orgy on Friday nights. He also briefly frontlined the highly successful band The Havah Nagillahs, which failed after the background musicians walked out to form the chart-topping rap group The Twelve Disciples (a.k.a. D12). Controversially, Jesus had a false arm, which he often kept in a shed for safe keeping. Further still, he was noted for many famous sayings (see: Famous sayings of Jesus) many of which were cribbed from The Bible. He was the vocalist for The Jesus and Mary Chain, and Jesus Jones.
If Jesus was alive today (which if you take a very casual look in any South American phone book seems to be very much the case) he might control the world. But he doesn't because he's cool like that. Jesus might also be a Jedi and would probably party with those heavy metalists Mace Windu, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the many house flies that followed him around. For a while it was assumed that these flies followed him around because of the fact that Jesus never took a bath because of his hydrophobia. But in reality, they just liked him a lot since he saved their mum. When the retired Greek goddess Athena heard this rumor she gave him the power to walk just above the water, so that he would never actually have to touch it. Even though he already had that power. Duh. Anyway, she soon afterward found out that she wasn't real and went through an emotional breakdown, disappearing from her own non-existence.
His Birth from the Prostitute Mary
Jesus came into being under the oddest of circumstances. After several thousand years of hard work, Jesus' father God decided that massive floods and torturous plagues weren't the best ways to go about winning the hearts of his people.
God later claimed that He, "Always wanted a son" that he could teach pro football. He soon realized that, although He could kick your ass, football is not among his many talents. He then fell back on his Plan B: teaching his son to become the figurehead of the world.
God decided that he needed a poster boy to win over the population of the world. As God later stated in his '93 Connie Chung interview, "I needed someone who was tall, handsome, witty, and with a winning personality." God later revoked his last comment on the grounds that God is way too cool to say "winning personality."
Now came the Virgin Mary and Joseph, two strikingly thin and attractive teens who wanted nothing more than to get married and make babies(Joseph did, anyway). "She was a cool girl," quoteth God. "You have no idea how surprised I was that she was a virgin. Seriously. I didn't know that you could show that much cleavage while wearing a robe." In any case, she was the perfect mother for Christ. She was getting ready to marry Joseph, but he was very understanding. Also, she was foxy, had a nice rack o' lamb, and was loving, caring, respectful, tasteful, and brunette; in a word, all the requirements that God wanted for the mother of his only begotten son: to be hot and humble about it(and to be righteously awesome; Come to think of it, you can't fit all of God's requirements in a word). So when Mary was approached by an angel, Gabriel, she was still technically a virgin. At least that was Mary's story.
It is well-known that, late one night, God supposedly came to Mary in the form of Holyness and impregnated her. Joseph was too busy clubbing with some rowdy Arimathean hooligans to notice that the Holy Creator of Everything was screwing his wife. In fact, after that fateful night, Joseph would be inexplicably struck with a bad case of the Impotence for the rest of his day. Which really must have sucked for him. I mean, the guy is pretty much the stepfather of Salvation, and he gets pretty much screwed over. Seriously! Jesus was supposed to the one who can't know a woman, but dear ol' Joe can't even get it up. Oh well. As God would state in a later interview, "his shit got RUINED."
When Joseph first heard Mary's story about God sleeping with her, he didn't believe her and wanted to divorce Mary. But, then, Gabriel, the Angel of the Lord, flew down and scared the beejees out of him, saying, "If you don't stay with that chick Mary, God will strike you down where you stand! Understood?" Joseph understood, and promptly wet himself.
For the next nine months, Joseph and Mary wandered the Middle East, doing nothing in particular (see Holy Bible for details).
When it came time to deliver Jesus, Mary and Joseph found themselves passing through the funky convention town of Bethlehem. Currently hosting a major governmental convention, all the inns and taverns were full. Even the brothels had no beds to spare (Fun Fact: In those days, brothels were soup kitchens). Lacking a suitable place to give birth, Joseph and Mary started poking around in stables, desperately looking for a hay pile or something. At last, they found an innkeeper who offered use of the shed out back (It is now known that he actually had a room available; he was just a douche). After slipping on an excrement-covered floor and falling headfirst into a manger, Mary popped out the son of God, and the rest, as they say, is history.
The other side of the coin: Jesus the Playboy
As there are differing accounts of Jesus's sexual orientation, and for completeness, we offer the other side of the story, where Jesus was the first Playboy, later moving on to founding the first porno-mag in heaven; 'Heavenly Bosoms'. Often participating in huge orgies with his followers, Jesus showed that he could heal more than lame legs and blind eyes; He could heal STD's. Which was a good thing, because to raise money, he would send out his followers to work the streets. He later became known as the only pimp to get into heaven.
As with Jesus's alleged bisexuality, His sexual indiscretions were all but removed from all records of his life, a small piece of paper in the Popes lockbox, being the only evidence left. In fact, Jesus had a 13th disciple who's sole duty was to record his sex romps, but when Jesus was crucified, his 13th disciple was also killed, for fear that the truth would get out and ruin Jesus's reputation.
As he grew up, Jesus became much liked and admired. Everybody liked Him and wanted to hang out with Him. Even the Prophet, Zachieas 'little' Man had been known to hang out with Jesus whenever he went to Las Vegas. His popularity was attributable to His highly entertaining, and often useful, "miracles", not to mention He had the best wine this side of the river Jordan.
Jesus' miracles were always interesting, and often had a little moral lesson that went along with them. He turned water into wine, and once when a bunch of people came to see Him and forgot to bring lunch, He whipped up an amazing Lobster Fra Diavolo con Linguine that had people talking for months. Jesus could do anything; if He wanted to, He could have turned a chariot into a Ferrari 250 Testarossa (though this would have been highly impractical, due to a shortage of petrol stations in the 1st century), a piece of wood into a Stickman Sandpiper surfboard (not so much impractical as inferior, since he had that "walking on water" trick) or 45 blind mice into the New York Yankees.
Jesus was most popular when he held his 42 year long Bar Mitzvah (Sweet 13), which started in the year 42 BC. He received at least one present from everyone in Rome, and God even got him a Ferrari convertible chariot. Some people say that God also gave Jesus the gist of how to make cracked corn. Jesus has never commented to anyone on this, and some people believe that this is all just a bunch of crap, but I wouldn't doubt it was true. I mean Jesus kicks enough ass to make cracked corn.
Jesus' superhero status is further reflected in his origin, the birth of a baby with a Mexican name to a woman in Judea, 1600 years before a Christian discovered Mexicans. (Editor's note: The Mormons use this as compelling proof that Jesus did, in fact, visit the Americas.)
If you were blind, crippled, sick or lame you could just go to Jesus, and He'd put His hands on you and heal you. That certainly made Him very popular. For this reason, Jesus' hands were in high demand back then.
According to contemporary reports, there was nothing Jesus couldn't do. He could have sung better than Freddie Mercury, He could surf pretty well, He could have driven better than Mario Andretti, He could have hit more home runs than Big Papi, and He could have baked the most incredible fudge brownies ever. If He had been an actor, He could have won an Oscar (Wilde) every time. However, former power hitter and voodoo houngan for the Chicago Cubs, Sammy Sosa, disagreed, and stated his opinion: "Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball."
But some people got jealous of how popular Jesus was, so they killed Him. (His infamous "I'm bigger than the Beatles" statement most likely was the straw that broke the camel's back.) Jesus, however, was just too amazing to let a little thing like death stop Him. Three days later He rose from the dead, danced around for a bit and then went back to heaven! Even though Jesus hasn't appeared to have appeared openly on Earth since his prize fight with Rocky Balboa, His popularity and approval ratings remain as high as ever. However, many modern historians (and other worshipers of science) are often baffled by the amount of attention is paid to this 2,000-year-old Jew. But there is a consensus that it has something to do with the average person’s love of frozen popsicle treats.
Yeah, Jesus got pwned by the Roman governor Herpatitis. Died for your sins and all that fun stuff. His last words are commonly said to be, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." and "Hey, I can see my house from here..."
A heretical sect believes that Jesus actually died by slipping in the tub. They are known as Baathists, and are frequently warred against by true Christians. They can be identified by the use of a small gold or silver shower head around their necks instead of a cross; and rather than crossing themselves, they wave their arms in circles as if losing their balance, while repeating "whoa whoa whoa".
According to Mormons, Jesus was a chicken. I know, Mormons are CRAZY!
Jesus' Many Names
As a figure appearing again and again in classical tales and historical scripts, the name of Jesus has frequently been changed to local dialects or to reflect different aspects of society.
For more on this, see Jesus (disambiguation)
Note that: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a completely unrelated entity and most Christians deny all association with this group of individuals.
In the motion picture "Bend it like Bethlehem", Jesus aspires to become a goal keeper for the Beitar Jerusalem football club. However, his father believes that saving goals instead of souls is beneath his son's destiny. Jesus's father, in a bid to distract him from football, ultimately has him implicated in a coup attempt on the Roman Governor Pontius Pilot which leads to tragic and unforeseen consequences. Jesus is subsequently executed in the sequel The Passion of the Christ.
Jesus saves, shoots and scores!
- For the Love of Jesus (1964)
- What in the name of Jesus (1967)
- The Transformed Messiah (spoken word, 1968)
- Bigger, Longer and Better Cut than the Beatles (1970)
- Never Mind The Bollocks Here's The Crucifixion (1977)
- Christmas With Jesus (1979)
- The Bright Side: My Life With Brian in Seven Sweet Songs (1981)
- Doubt (1991)
- Smells like White Spirit (with special guest Kurt Cobain, 2004)
- Don't Be Cross With Me (2006)
- Jesus RPG
- JesusTron Wars
- Jesus Christ Superstar
- Jesus and the Miracle 5
- Personal Jesus
- Atonement Special
- Jewish history
- UnNews:Police seek prophet in attempted herbicide
- Cheese Jesus
- Jesus stole my girlfriend
|The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy|
|Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan|
Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Jeez, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan
|Name:||Abraham||Lao-tse||Buddha||Jesus||Mohammed||Charles Darwin||Bobby Henderson||David Icke||L. Ron Hubbard||Zod||That Guy You Hate|
|Co-founders, Pretenders, Prophets:||Moses||Peter, Paul, & Mary,
|Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthmar||Richard Dawkins||Cast from V||Tom Cruise,
|That old woman next door|
|Religion(s):||Judaism||Taoism||Buddhism||Christianity, Catholicism, Protestantism, approx. 1000 more sects and spin-offs||Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufis, Alawis, Druze, assorted bizarre desert sects||Atheism, Theory of Evolution||Pastafarianism||D.ick-eism||Scientology||---||That thing, you know, with the thingies!|
|Miracles (approx.):||20||1||7||200||0||0||1||1 (honest)||0||0||Somewhere between zero and infinity|
|Covenants & Promises:||Milk, honey, and eternal life||Being one with the universe||Reincarnation, Nirvana||Eternal life||Eternal life, 72 virgins for bonus level||Freedom of thought||Pasta, stripper factory, and beer volcano||Liberation from alien lizards||Deliverance from wealth, friends and sanity||You will kneel before Zod.||Whatever it is you get|
|Enlightenment (kW):||1.5||150||200||1.6||1.25||180||100||0.001||-10 000||0.045~1.334 (varies inversely to proximity to Superman)||I don't remember|
|Wives (approx.):||2-3||0||1||0||9-30||1||unlimited||0-1 (no reptiles)||3 (so far)||All women are property of Zod.||What?|
|Followers:||30-40 mln. (approx.)||60 mln. (approx. + Ben Hoff and Winnie the Pooh)||375 mln.||2.1 bln.||1.3 bln.||500 mln.||120 bln. (without earthlings)||360 tln. (+3 earthlings)||42||Lex Luthor, Bizarro||Those guys who do the stuff|
|Violent followers:||2.0%||0.1%||0.1%||2.5%||2.6%||0.000001% (NB: It should be noted that the late Adolf Hitler has nothing to do with True Darwinism, just as the late Osama Bin Laden has nothing to do with True Islam. (Smiley))||0.01%||3||60%||100%||I forget|
|Overall result:||GOOD||GOOD||TH'WEET!||NOT BAD||COULD DO BETTER||POOR||EXCELLENT||SHIT||COULD DO BETTER||POOR||IT'S PURPLE!|
|Value for money:||FAIR||FAIR||FAIR||GOOD||COULD DO BETTER||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||EXCELLENT||COULD DO BETTER||WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?|