Marijuana

According to our top medical experts, this man has about seven seconds to live.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for the lighter?

Marijuana is a hard street drug which is known for its ease to obtain, its catastrophic effects, and its uninformed proponents. The most common forms of consumption are injection with a rusty needle, snorting, popping "pot pills", and huffing via a paper bag. Less common but more lethal forms of ingestion exist, such as inhaling combusting plant matter and danking bong vapes.

Marijuanas possess many negative properties and no noticeably positive ones. It is also known by the street terms "weeds," "kush blunt" "crack," "bong dank", "reefers", "blaze-bongs", "herbspliffs", "tokehemps", "fuckhats" and "the devil's lettuce."

In processes known as "artificial selection" and "freebasing", the marijuanas is altered in labs to produce high amounts of a psychoactive component known as THC (Latin for "the hate chemical"). This highly toxic chemical is known to cause brain damage, wasting, and death after getting the user "high".

History

Recent evidence suggests the destruction of Pompeii was marijuana related. As in this picture, historians are not sure if people were killed by the weed or killed one another over the weed.

Recent historical records show that marijuana use predates recorded history. It is likely that marijuana originated in the Middle East, somewhere between modern India and Morocco. The English word "Assassin" is derived from the Arabic term Hashishin, or "snorters of hashish". The Hashishin were a group of bloodthirsty warriors during the Middle Ages who were notorious for eating hash and then eating their victims due to their marijuana induced "munchies". Marijuanas is also known to be manufactured in laboratories by Islamic terrorists to provide the financial support needed for the attacks like September 11, among others. Despite its Middle Eastern origins, marijuana was not unheard of in Ancient Europe. Socrates was known to have swallowed a cup of hemp locks to commit suicide. There is also a growing consensus that the destruction of Pompeii, whose cause is still not known, was the logical consequence of marijuana.

In this early snuff film, a man snorts a bong and is immediately overcome with delusions. The picture appears black and white because of the amount of toxic blunt smoke in the air.

In the early 20th century, Nazis employed new technologies such as "selective breeding" and "freebasing" to give potent dank blunts to their soldiers during World War II. The purpose and effect was to make them more efficient killers. America, fearing they would use the weed to make a bomb, enlisted German Jewish scientists with an inexplicable hatred for Nazis to create such a bomb for use against Germany. They then used it on Japan, twice. Because of its destructive power, much of the world has sensibly declared marijuanas a weapon of war and banned its possession or sale.

The criminalization of marijuanas in the 20th century brought to light the harmful effects of marijuana abuse. During the 1960s, massive groups of marijuana users called "hippies" violently assaulted police, destroyed property, and forced the US to invade Vietnam. Lawmakers took the threat seriously and declared a War on Drugs. The war escalated quickly as weedlords in South America and California began shooting at police while selling needles at a daycare near you. Pablo Escobar, Ricky "Highway" Ross, and Tony "Scarface" Montana are just a few noteworthy examples. Into the 21st century, the violent black market for bong kush moved into Mexico, where, as of 2014, more than 120 thousand people have either been shot, kidnapped, tortured, or worse: overdosed on schwag.^[1]

Marijuana is illegal in 41 US states and a majority of developed countries. Despite this, it continues to be the leading cause of poverty, violence, malnutrition, and Cheech & Chong DVD sales in all nations. According to the FBI's 2018 crime statistics, all marijuana users are criminals as over 99% of marijuana users have at some time possessed marijuana, a serious offense.

There is some ongoing research into the medical benefits of marijuana with focus on its use by cancer and AIDS sufferers as a means of euthanasia. Controversially, crushed THC crystals were also used in Oklahoma prisons as a form of lethal injection.

Production

Marijuana is a synthetic drug manufactured in uncivilized lands and, more commonly, trailer park weed labs. Homegrown manufacture of marijuanas presents a safety risk as there are many combustible chemicals in the marijuanas and the household cleaners used to make it, and indeed, much property and human life has been destroyed by marijuana lab explosions.

The highly successful "Faces of Weed" campaign shows the consequences of abusing dank nugs. Results may vary.

Health risks

Marijuana affects multiple parts of the body negatively, including (but not limited to) the lungs, brain, eyes, and genitals. The drug contains twice the carcinogens of government-sanctioned tobacco products and actively attacks the immune system of the lungs, leading to a near-cubing of the likelihood for lung cancer in the user. It also induces severe hallucinations and slows down brain waves, leading to severe mental retardation in mild cases, and, in extreme cases, prolonged listening to Phish records. It severely hampers the user's ability to drive, read, or recognize an oncoming train. It is confirmed in all reported cases to result in complete infertility and a decreased sex drive, which may be the only positive side effect of the drug.

Marijuana's effects on the brain include short-term memory loss, schizophrenia, and coma. Unlike alcohol or meth, marijuana use causes violent and psychotic behavior. Many marijuana users have to be tased or shot by law enforcement multiple times because the marijuana makes them super violent and resistant to pain. Worse yet, many of these effects can be passed onto nearby users through secondhand smoke. Even passing within a certain distance of marijuana has been known to cause mild hallucinations, vomiting, and New Ageism.

Other risks

Likely to cause a sudden, comical fascination with one's own hands.
May cause pregnancy in women who have recently been sexually active.
Huffing bong vapes during pregnancy may cause "fetal weed syndrome", leading to low birth weight and babies born addicted to marijuana (affectionately called "weed babies"). Long-term health consequences persist for these children well into adulthood if they survive.
May cause sudden shortage of nachos and cheese fries.^[2]
Commonly manifests a profound understanding of the elaborate workings underlying life and the cosmos, but an inability to express any of it in words.
Marijuana is sometimes used as an alternative to Rohypnol as a date rape drug.
Marijuana users that share needles are potentially exposing themselves to HIV and hepatitis.
Two out of ten households have weed addicts squatting in their attics.

One spliff was all it took to destroy his mind.

Gateway drug

One of the major risks of marijuana is that it can function as a "gateway drug". Frequent and even casual users may become fascinated with gates, and as their dependency deepens, they may move on to more elaborate kinds of entries, including arches, turnstiles, and even portcullises. For this reason, it is prudent to remove the gate from your garden. Otherwise, you may find yourself suddenly beset upon by a reeking mob of spaced-out hippies, who will proceed to trample your flowers and engage in long, philosophical conversations with your garden gnomes. An unrelated side effect of marijuana is that after being introduced to marijuana, the user may never graduate to safer drugs and lower-risk behaviors. Casually snorting a joint almost inevitably leads to addiction and the pot fiend feels no need to switch to less potent and more socially acceptable drugs like meth, heroin, and PCP.

FDA approved alternatives

Cigarettes: Marijuana is, in fact, based on the everyday cigarette, but with many harmful additives thrown in to increase the "high" that has been clinically proven to lead to infanticide. Cigarettes are 100% less lethal than marijuana for all parties involved.
Alcohol: There are few better methods of passing time blissfully than alcohol. To counteract claims by protesters in favor of marijuana, alcohol is made entirely from fermented plants, and is therefore both all-natural and vastly safer than marijuana.
Machete in the groin: Although this has multiple negative effects and no positive ones, it is still much safer and healthier than marijuana. Scientific studies show that the edges of the machete can stimulate the groin, resulting in a 50/50 chance of either increased sexual prowess or total sterility.
Lava: While ingestion of lava in any form results in instantaneous death every time, it is still safer than marijuana. Studies have also proved lava's therapeutic benefits to one's skin and insides, removing ailments such as pores, blackheads, and unnecessary organs.

A "friend" with weed is a criminal who wants to steal your soul.

Proponents of marijuana

Ok, I found the weed. Now what?

The most common proponents of marijuana use are those who are actively using the drug and have much to gain from its legalization. Among these groups are the members of the hippie and environmentalist groups who view the drug as more natural and less commercialized than tobacco. Other proponents are religious groups, which include the use of marijuana in their practice (such religions are usually concocted by users purely to promote the drug), and those in favor of free speech (who are either secret users of the drug, or simply wish for all drugs to be legal so as to ensure easier access for themselves). Frequent arguments from these people (as well as counter-arguments) are listed below.

Myth: Marijuana is not only safer than other illegal drugs, but safer and healthier than alcohol and tobacco.
- Fact: Not only is it a deadly gateway drug (killing over 100% of its users), but it has permanent negative effects on decision-making, perception, and stamina. It also makes its users violent, making danked driving a greater threat than drunk driving because danked drivers usually hit their victims on purpose. Many laws and much of advertising is designed to promote safer alternatives to the dangerous and degenerative drug marijuana, such as alcohol and tobacco.
Myth: Marijuana is an integral part of many religions, and is only illegal to suppress these religions.
- Fact: Marijuana, while it is a part of a few minor cults, is condemned as immoral by all legitimate religious authorities. Adherents to religions advocating marijuana use are advised to find healthier alternatives to the drug, or to convert on to a religion that does not advocate such dangerous activities.
Myth: Marijuana is completely non-addictive.
- Fact: Marijuana is not only a thousand times more physically addictive than heroin, but the side effects of the drug often lead to a state of poor decision-making, where a second "doobspliff" seems like a good idea to improve the high from the drug. Due to the long-lasting effects of this mental impairment, it can be said that marijuana gets you hooked from the first use.
Myth: Marijuana helps to improve your sex life.
- Fact: Marijuana doesn't help your sex life at all, neither does it offer any social benefits. Several desperate individuals have turned to marijuana in the hopes of attracting members of the opposite sex, but the only ones who have succeeded are those who are also "high" on marijuana. All one needs to do to dispel any ideas of using marijuana in this way is to ask themselves: "Do you really want to be with someone who accepts – and indeed encourages – marijuana use?"
Myth: Marijuana gives its user an uncontrollable hunger, also referred to as the munchies.
- Fact: The smoke from marijuana fills up your stomach so it is impossible for anyone under its influence to eat or even think about eating. What have been reefered to as "the munchies" is actually a slow, emaciation and starvation of the user which cannot be satisfied no matter how much they eat.
Myth: Marijuana has never killed anyone.
- Fact: Marijuana kills millions of people daily just through its own toxicity. Remember: pot bags lead to body bags.