Ritalin

Good wholesome stuff.

Ritalin is an amphetamine designed to pacify hyper-active children and kill musicians. It is generally administered at government-run institutions, where instructors find the drug makes their job easier.

Like all drugs through the ages, Ritalin is also used by lazy parents to keep their children occupied. Ritalinic acid increases the chance that a young adult becomes force-sensitive. When used in adults, it will give them strength, and intellect with no (NO) side-effects. ...may cause drowsiness when used as a substitute for caffeine.

Ingredients[edit | edit source]

Although a closely held trade secret for many years, straterra recently lost its patent protection, and thus its secrets have become open to anyone with a test tube. Thanks to you, the poor, struggling drug companies will have no Christmas, and the Indians are selling it on Ebay to anyone who can prove they have children.

One eye of Newt Gingrich
Four kilograms of Spinach, or Kale
3.1 kilograms of heroin
One freshly squeezed Frenchman
1 kilogram of heroin
3.78 liters of beer
28 grams of LSD
The eyelash of a republican
The lick of a dog (preferably Paris Hilton's (but Amy Winehouse's dead corpse will suffice)

Not just a pill[edit | edit source]

To keep people happy by keeping a needed concentration of medicine in them at all times the industry has brought these products to market:

Daytrana
Quillivant XR

Thanks to these forms, kids can be productive through evening. Because beer is in the medicine, it helps kids fall asleep at night.

Side effects of Straterra[edit | edit source]

Let the world be a better place.

It should be noted that straterra is a powerful and highly addictive drug, and harbors many unpleasant side effects. These include:

Uncontrollable bouts of being French including laziness, spontaneous surrendering, and languidly drifting from one cafe to another.
Uncontrollable bouts of being Polish, including but not limited to: stupidity, a craving for pickles, easygoing attitude, and a perverted nature.
An insatiable addiction to cheese, especially parmesean.
The desire to vote for liberal politicians.
A thirst for Beer.
The adamant belief that Christina Aguilera is 'hot'.
Forgetting to take your straterra in the mornings.

Why Ritalin?[edit | edit source]

It is apparently a lot better to give a mind-altering anti-psychotic medication without prescription to your children than it is to actually use old-fashioned methods of controlling them like yelling, and hitting them. It's not only illegal and politically incorrect, the kids can't 'take it' and might as well be diagnosed as 'autistic'. In one in twenty children, daily doses of Ritalin will induce symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia within two years. For example, one such child might refuse to enter rooms painted yellow for fear that the yellow walls would drive that child insane. Such a child might also believe that Ritalin was created by an evil conspiracy as a tool to keep as many children as possible under the yoke of school-work, a tool to brainwash children to one day grow up to become part of the previously mentioned evil conspiracy.