Catnip

“In Soviet Russia, pussy craves YOU, if you are catnip!”

~ Yakov Smirnoff on catnip

OMG IT'S GONE MAD!

Tigger, a famous catnip user.

Nepeta cataria, commonly known as catnip, catswort, or catmint, is a rare and elusive drink that the common domestic house cat has trouble obtaining itself. Generally the feline gets one of its human slaves to acquire such substance. Once acquired catnip is stored in a hip flask that is attached to the cat's tail.

Catnip has a Cool psychotropic effect on cats that is similar to kitten huffing on humans. Beware; cats tend to go through withdrawal symptoms far more worse than humans. Common symptoms include, but are certainly not limited to: Your cat chasing imaginary mice, flies, rhinos, etc.; your cat constantly resetting your video game console when you have just beaten the level boss; a refusal to take out the trash no matter how nicely you ask; and the occasional murder, sodomy, or framing you for cannibalism.

Catnip addiction is a very serious problem that 4 out of every 5 cat-owning households go through at some point.

Common medical advice offered is: Never get your feline addicted. Seriously.

If, by some cruel joke of God, your cat is introduced to this horrible substance, it should be locked in a bathroom with butter on its paws and 3 day's worth of food. Cold turkey is the only way to go (although tuna or chicken are better for digestion).

Catnip Development

As more and more cats have managed to obtain free scholarships and bursaries to Universities, particularly for studying pharmacology, there has been a noted rise in catnip usage and an entire culture devoted to "the 'nip". Our most recent sources come from those cats willing to wear a wire while entering this sub-culture of the feline community. These sources have found that the familiar drink known as catnip is now being crystalised in labs for inhalation rather than consumption. This has of course made it more difficult to restrict catnip production, and it is now so available that it might as well be legal' as one narcotics agent has put it.

Anti-Catnip Campaign

Due to its large availability, anti-catnip lobbyists have managed to push through a bill demanding an advertising campaign to make young cats and kittens aware of the risks.

Effects on Humans

Some people smoke catnip to bypass laws that prohibit marijuana use, as it is thought marijuana and catnip have similar effects. Unfortunately for said human users, it causes anal cancer. It is known that your mom smoked too much catnip in the hippie days. Famous catnip smokers include: the old hippie chick who's always collecting money, idiots, and Bob Marley.

Famous People Caught Doing Catnip

• Lady Gaga
• Barack Obama
• Beyonce
• Kanye West
• Sarah Palin
• Amy Winehouse (of course)
• Katy Perry
• All of the sparkling vampires
• Katniss Everdeen (and she is even nicknamed Catnip!)