Kitten
“We will huff them on the beaches, we will huff them on the waves, we will huff them in the fields and on the streets, and we will never surrender. ”
“We're petitioning to call them Land Fish”
“They're like cats, only smaller.”
“Let loose the puppies of war!”
“ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!!!!!!!!”
“Oooh! They're so fuzzy!”
“Her reaction to the issue of the secretary's appearance was like that of an angry cat. It could have been a male or female cat. So I thought she was like an angry cat, the way they sometimes strike out. I like cats.”
Origins[edit | edit source]
Extensive research has been done on kittens in recent times. In 2009, kitten expert Marian Akerman discovered a prehistoric tablet of stone which displays the events which led to the origins of kittens. It shows a great beast called Lord Korzaclops, who before the creation of the earth exploded and vaporized into a trillion kitten embryos. These embryos traveled to all corners of the universe, and eventually, to Earth. Omnomomnom. All kittens in the universe are subconsciously controlled by Korzaclop's only son, Zoltaraclops. When a kitten reaches adulthood, it has absorbed too much animal and human radiation from the environment then it is no longer controlled by Zoltaraclops. The Great Lord Zoltaraclops is using kittens to find his perfect mate before he himself explodes into kitten embryos, and once again forces their race to endure eons of millennia searching for the prefect mate to complete the Cycle of Clopsicular, restoring peace to the universe once again. Although considered a delicacy, kittens are generally evil creatures that are not capable of affection. There is some belief that they originated as a byproduct of Dr Frankenstein's experiments with the dead, although there is a conflicting theory that they have been around since prehistoric times. This is due to the fact that there are cave paintings of kittens destroying prehistoric tribes with exceptionally powerful laser eyes. It is unknown which is the true story.
~ L. Kitty
Frogs[edit | edit source]
Kittens and frogs are friends.
Garfield is a real cat[edit | edit source]
Garfield the lasagna loving cat is coming to town. Not to eat lasagna, but in fact to eat souls! So beware of an extremely fat cat with blue eyes - he will kill you!
“Oh yeah, me and Garfield are buddies - one time we tried to eat the souls of each other's owners!”
Also known as Josh Phillips or kitten milord. The kitten — universally recognized as a small furry bundle of soup, and the only animal capable of crapping more than its own bodyweight in a single shitting. A kitten is usually smaller than a cat.[citation needed] Some believe a kitten was behind the JFK assassination but the truth is that it was the plan for a kitten to drop from a plane and maul our president to death with unicorns. Kittens; aren't they just fluffy-wuffy adowable? In fact, "kitten" is a past participle: kite, kit, kitten, which is a synonym for "to blow one's head off". Kittens are also impervious to all types of magic, including magic cast by flapjacks. Physical combat is ineffective against them, so the only conceivable way to defeat a kitten is to trap it in a laundry basket. This can be achieved by getting a stick, tying a string to it then propping a laundry basket up on a stick and have carrot top crouch under it. However, most times a kitten will self destruct upon capture so it is almost impossible to defeat them. Many Dark Wizards adopt kittens as their familiars due to their magical resistance, using the kitten as a front line offense against their magical opponents to bum them REAL hard. Kittens are sometimes sick perverted animals. There actions include urination in the mouth of cattle and Toad from Super Mario.
As of May 2009, kittens are considered to be weapons of mass destruction by the United Nations Security Council. The United States of America and Madagascar are in the process of reconverting their Nuclear Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles into kittens.
Kittens and God[edit | edit source]
Although God had created kittens on the second day of existance, he too finds them insufferable. God himself is known to say "the little barstards have infested my wine cellar!", before grabbing a lightning bolt and shooting some Christians. We all know God cares about His creations, and wishes to look after Humanity, but even he doesn't want anything to do with them. "Let the infidels deal with them" he shouts whilst drunk.
Kittens and Al Gore[edit | edit source]
It is a well known fact that Al Gore has a special place in his heart for kittens. What is not well known is that he in fact HAS no heart. Al Gore has a deal with the kitten overlord, Anubis (Latin for Spaghetti Farm), in which every time Al Gore mentions an economic and eco friendly ideal, he is to launch one billion Doritos into orbit. These Doritos are supposed to be used as an offering to Anubis to lul him back to sleep and keep him from attacking Earth from beyond the grave. However, Aubis bought a lakeside home years ago and has resided there ever since. The Doritos now make a delicious snack for aliens, which anyone can tell you, love flat crunchy things (such as Watermelons).
In exchange for Al Gore's Dorito offerings, he is granted special acces to an elite kitten guard called Killtins (a clever combination of the word kill and Stalin). Killtins are charged with the protection of Al Gore during rebel attacks, yarn balls, and soup a splosions. While there is no protection from hot soup, they are at least able to warn him from the impending doom that is soup. Killtins are also responsible for keeping Al Gore's amazing ability to bore people in check. Whenever he's on a long speech about saving Pluto or whatever the fuck planet he's on at the moment, the Killtins wander in and wake the audience up by unleeshing their "pocket sand" attack. To this day, nobody has survivded an encounter with Killtins, that is, nobody with a heart anways.
History and Classification of the Kitten[edit | edit source]
Finally categorized as parasites by the Germans in 1904, after having been previously thought to be a substance much like Pop Tarts, kittens have been seen exiting the vagina's of host cats whose innards they have outgrown. Rumor has it that if you approach a kitten without him or her noticing, and are able to catch it, they will bite your scrotum off with their two front teeth of which they received for Christmas. Also if you don't buy them fast then they get into a shell and become a hermit crab. If they do that you shall never be able to eat them in England. We all know that the English are fucked up like that.
In the early 1800's kittens also became famous for their love of bouffants, extra terrestrial bestiality porn, and large hammers. Kittens could be seen traveling in packs with up to 12 others of their kind, all calling out and making rude gestures such as flicking their tail to the left twice, thus causing the more fainthearted to fall to the ground unconscious until awoken with a small bag of smelling salts.
Kittens are considered a delicacy in England and Wales. The eyes contain a part of the Sharingan which shall fuck you up in no time. For the Welsh, the effects are slightly different, owing to the slightly less superior wiring of the brain. The kitten-eye chemical renders the Welsh unable to accept that the X Factor was not a fix, and their guy just did not get enough votes.
In 2004 the Human vs. Kitten War began with violent jerk offs on both sides.
On a usual basis these days, kittens are often described with the 'slogan of the kitty;' "If they can kill it, they will. If they can't kill it, they'll try."
Mating Rituals[edit | edit source]
Kittens mate in a very unusual way. In order for a kitten to breed there must be a full moon, a sack, and 17 oranges. Also new kittens are never born from cats unless they're fake. The real ones come from Humans.
Since they are furry, the human must wear a helmet while giving birth. They can be born from either male or females although males giving birth is very uncommon. Sometimes the births go wrong and you end up with remnants from molestation of young women. A condom, Loss of virginity and a broken anus. Most of the time however they are born correctly and must retain no fluids or food for a full seven days. After these seven days they are legit kittens and not those knock off shitty ass British cats. The way to tell if you have a real kitten and not a cat is if the name is Bobo or it doesn't die when you shoot it in the face with a gun.
Uses of kittens: - Eating all of your tuna and milk. - Sopping up blood with their fur. - Licking blood when their fur's too wet. - Being adorable, so as to trick enemies, whom they pounce upon. - Making you turn around while they "do things".
Kitten Theory[edit | edit source]
It has been an accepted theory for many years now that the kittens have forced those of us that were lucky enough to get away underground. This was because a massive human-feline war took place and all of humankind created a giant super storm cloud that choked the earth of the suns rays of light. Humans, in 19 B.C. (Before Cat) which was 10,275 B.C. (Before Christ) was a super race with splazers,were trying to create super beings, but one day when a scientist was experimenting with some future super dank space brownies, went to the wrong lab and created the first cat. By 1 BC the cats had become an independent asexual race. They gained knowledge quickly and fucked us all in the ass sending us back to the Egyptian ages where we were forced to think of them as gods. The kittens, then realizing the mistake of the humans, used the pyramids to bottle us in jam jars and fed off our souls. Now the the entire future of human kind depends on one half kitten half human man... Meow,for all we know they went and lived in a planet called kittenopia where dogs were their horses, puppies were their house-keepers, and the ruler was sir pipper squeaker mcwinkey. known for his awesome abilities he can control the weather,he was married to puppy named queen vanilla malery, she was a warrior who's dad was never home,-- anyway the kitten warriors(and their leader, super ace)came to kill the evil dog king stupid,and defeated his dim-witted dogs.then came back to earth where humans drive them crazy!
Kitten Feeding Behavior[edit | edit source]
Kittens are notoriously evil. When young, their favorite food is the mana of unsuspecting individuals. Lured in by the apparent cuteness of the beast, the victim is first violently gored with razor-sharp talons and vicious fangs. At this point, the kitten places its deadly, gaping maw inside the victim and begins to feast on its victim's soul. The entire process lasts no longer than thirty seconds, and by the time the feast is over, most do not realize their soul has been consumed. Kittens pose a severe threat to humanity, to feast upon any souls. You have gotta be Kitten me! Oh, and they all toast toast.
"Soul, yum. It's better with strawberries!" -- A. Kitten.
“Kittens.I keep them.The Kittens And i have a lot in common.We Eat souls!We're Both Soul Eaters!”
“I like kittens and pie, and they can be combined.”
Kitten Combat Tactics[edit | edit source]
Kittens, though small and cute, are actually ruthless warriors bent on devastation of the enemies' heart and soul. And tasty innards and souls. Mmmm. They are bred to be warriors, as kittens were invented by the Goths and ancient Germanic tribes. If you ever come across a kitten (you'd better hope you don't), be prepared for death. Once a kitten has locked on to your moist, tender belly, it will pounce down and latch to your leg, where upon it will slowly ascend to your stomach using its razor sharp claws. Once AGAIN at your moist belly, the kitten will proceed to erode away any distracting skin you may have with its rough, sand papery tongue. There is nothing you can do to remove a kitten in this state. It is impervious to any attacks upon it, however, it is said that if you were to start rubbing a kittens belly, it would drop the ground and lay on its back. In this state, the kitten would start kicking at your hand with its hind legs, all the while hugging your arm with its paws and nibbling upon your hand. This theory has been tested and found to be feckin true!!!!!!!!! There have been no accounts of survival from a kitten attack. One resurrected victim, who preferred to remain anonymous said in an interview: "I once saw a kitten in the street, and it attempted to eat my soul. It was doing a special soul eating dance, to pull my soul out of my anus and devour it, when I shot it with an airsoft gun in the belly button. It then exploded, freeing the eaten souls to return to their dead bodies. Then the other kittens were like "LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" and they ate my soul and I died. Kittens are just evil little creatures. We should kick them in the head and punch them in the belly. Die kittens die!!!!!!" The suggested method of punching a kitten in the belly after kicking its head has proven most difficult, and should only be done by trained experts. Amateurs will surely die by the dreaded neko-hame-ha as soon as the kitten realizes they are hostile.
Schrödinger's Kitten[edit | edit source]
Schrödinger's kitten is usually assumed to be the precursor to the famous thought experiment by physicist Erwin Schrödinger (see Schrödinger's Cat [1]). In fact, Schrödinger's Kitten is the subsequent flow-on experiment, even though it was undertaken long before Schrödinger was even born. This is due to a curious attribute of time-space, where at the quantum level time (or "movement" as it is properly known [2]) flows in reverse at the feline/human singularity.
Schrödinger's first experiment illustrated problems in the contemporary interpretation of quantum mechanics when it is applied beyond just atomic or subatomic systems. In other words he thought everyone else was full of shit. To show the fallacy of the theory the young physicist (he was nine months old at the time) experimented by sealing a cat in a box and measuring whether opening the box to check on it every few months affected how long the cat lived. Sadly, thousands of cats died over the several years he undertook these experiments, leading to the Great Austrian Cat Famine of the 1930s in which many Korean restaurants went bankrupt and were bought up by the Rockefeller family. THEY WILL EAT YOUR SOAL!!!!!![3]
Schrödinger Trivia
The actual animal Schrödinger used on his final experiment was not a cat - it was a kinkajou [4]. By the time he was ready to undertake the experiment there were no cats left for a hundred-mile radius. However Schrödinger used the word "Cat" in his experiment to honor those that had died, and because "Schrödinger's Kinkajou" sounded fucking ghey. [5]
Schrödinger did not want the death of all those cats to be in vain so he designed a test whereby his own beloved pet, Huggy-Bear, was sealed into a box that was NEVER opened. Therefore nobody actually knew whether the animal was alive or dead. The original box is available to view in the Florida State Museum in the USA to this day, displayed next to the personal items of Adolf Hitler and Jeb Bush, and is deemed the most important contribution to scientific research by any Austrian. Additionally, the Guinness Book of World Records lists Huggy-Bear as the world’s oldest rodent. [6]
Thus we come to Schrödinger's second famous experiment (which is really the precursor). Schrödinger's Kitten was a huge leap ahead for quantum physics and teaches us a lot about how small mammals comprehend space-time and interact with the Laws of Entanglement.
Erwin Schrödinger's inspiration came from his twin sibling - a sister called Hillary [7] - who was a deaf/blind mute [8]. The Schrödinger family paid for young Erwin to go through university by running an elaborate sideshow at a local carnival, where Hillary would be put into a maze with a number of kittens and people would bet on how many she would step on before she finally got out.
This experience obviously had an effect on the young physicist, for in his autobiography Mein Liebe aft Chat he writes "The realization that quantum particles relate to one-another in a superior/inferior manner, dictated by how we humans observe them, was very similar to watching Hillary jump with fright every time she stepped on a fluffy kitten. Humans are both blind and deaf to the existence of sub-quantum particles (sqarticles) and quantum electron shunts (qunts) and only realize their existence at the point of interaction, at which time they expire and cease to be of much use."
Schrödinger's second experiment replicated the maze and its economic effects. He theorized that if you seal a deaf/blind mute in a box with a kitten, and into that box is placed an electric chainsaw connected to a button on the outside of the box, then you could film the inside of the box and sell the resulting videos to elderly German tourists visiting the red-light district of Vienna.
Sadly, Schrödinger died in a Korean restaurant before publishing his work. Only one experiment of this kind was ever developed. The box is in the Hapsburg State Museum in Vienna to this day, displayed next to a wax statue of Michael Jackson. [9]
Kittens and Sex[edit | edit source]
Normally "kittens" and "sex" are not two words you would associate with each other unless you live in the more rural parts of Scotland. Yet the Man-Kitten Love society has been active for many years thanks to a Japanese company that first got into the industry by producing prosthetic women for ugly men.
San-Ka-Ya or "Real Kittens" have been discretely available since 1981 and have proven popular the world over. Featuring realistic latex skin, 800 dpi Egyptian cotton faux fur, and incredibly realistic robotics, the Sa-Ka-Ya kittens are the closest thing to the real thing, without the genital shredding and massive blood loss normally associated with this vicious species.
A range of kitten dolls have been produced, from the incredibly cute "petit-kitti" to the gargantuan "sumo-puss" which weighs in at a whopping 14.7 Kilograms.
Many women are now purchasing Real Kittens to store in their handbags as a back-up pussy in case their vagina fails at a critical moment. But at a cost of 75 Million Yen, only very rich ugly people and Dr Evil can afford one.
Real Kitten dolls have now been approved by the United States Board of Psychopathy as rehabilitative tools to assist in the treatment of Gulf War Syndrome. Al Gore, who in 2007 claimed to have invented the kitten love doll, is a passionate advocate for the use of the devices in schools.
The manufacturer - Yan Yan Company - has announced plans to produce a range of ugly rich soccer player dolls for the burgeoning kitten market, and expect the first of the product range, the "Real Beckham", to hit stores in Christmas next year.
Elite kittens[edit | edit source]
These are different from normal kittens in only two ways. First, they have knives and wings. Second, they ... well, the knives and wings, count as two, don't they? That's scary enough. What kind of knives? K-Bar is much more scary then a pocket-knife but try telling the TSA that. You're going to get anally searched either way.
A Note About Extinction[edit | edit source]
With the staggering problems caused by naughty bits, the kitten is slowly but surely facing death by a ninja. For this reason, we ask that you take steps to prevent Kitten Huffing and limit your consumption of the gourmet felines to special occasions. The threat of losing the kitten is a grave one. Do your part, don't let the Kitten become extinct.And, If you see a ninja, which you probably won't when he or she DOES try to kill you, keep the kittens in a locked room.Even though the ninja will probably get in anyway, but this can delay their death by a maximum of half a mili-second.This leaves little time to butt rape the kitten, so make the most of your time. Jared Fogle once farted out a live kitten.
Another reason the kitten is going extinct is because of excessive masturbation, littering, and artificial lighting. Every time you litter, masturbate, or turn on a light bulb, God kills a kitten. God usually executes kittens by giving them to newly minted angels to huff. Every time a kitten masturbates, God kills a human. It is unknown whether God kills both a kitten and a human if the human and the kitten masturbate together. It's also been speculated that every time you kill a kitten, God masturbates. Please think of the kittens: throw your trash in a receptacle and cut out the jacking-off. If you can't stop, at least do it in the dark. Despite what you may think, that hot chick in the apartment across the street doesn't find it sexy to see you do the five-knuckle shuffle while watching Desperate Housewives and throwing your burger wrappers on the floor. The only reason she hasn't called the cops (or at least the blind store) to bust into your apartment is because she's making such a killing selling videos of you on jigglinjellyrolljohnsons.com. If you really want her digits, try being sensitive to her needs as a woman. Chicks dig that sort of thing, and she's probably really unfulfilled because men can't see past her horrid looks into who she really is. She might totally nail you- but probably not, since Uriel huffed her new kitten last night when you got freaky with Miss Michigan after seeing Vanna White flip letters on Wheel of Fortune. You sick, hairy-palmed, visually impaired perverted block of molded swiss cheese. You deserve to die a painful death by the psychotic thing that scratches, otherwise known as ZOMGWTFOHEMGEEBBQLOLSHITGETTHEFUCKAOUTTAHERE kittens. Lol. A kitten is gonna kill me for describing them as that, not that you care anyway, you piece of fermented milk!
Revenge of Kittens[edit | edit source]
Remember, cats have 9 lives, or 382,957,389,754,894,356, depending on what species they are, and a Siberian Sabre-toothed tiger has only 5 lives but a newly-born kitten with the psychotic habit of scratching has 93,949,426,592,694,689,374,329,759 lives,young kittens have 97,975,789, lives they lose about 3 lives each day for no reason and have sharp teeth, claws and ears, so you have to tread carefully or they will purr, thereby killing you (Kitten's evil plan is to take over the world and devour all dogs and chipmunks - YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!) mercilessly, at the slightest provocation. They have nine lives for a fundamental reason: they were sent to earth from planet Minos Gamma-Betafxcvhjutsduffies with the goal of the eventual overthrow of all world leaders. Kittens also are the single most powerful enemy in Diablo 2. They can swallow a grown man in less than 16 seconds when alone or swallow a infant in 0.38 seconds but none of that matters, and also travel in packs. Bill Clinton once said "I love kittens. I love them so much. I want to felate them." Why that is even relevant I don't know.
Algerian subculture centers on pipe smoking kittens. Kittens also starred in the game Scrabble, where if the kitten's opponent would actually win (chances are .0001%) the kitten would give HIM a huffing and refute all arguments made on the behalf of God. Beware of the kitten. Jesus met a kitten once and was forced into exile.Another way to demolish a kitten is to use a Kitten Stomper(see youtube)
Kittens In Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
Kittens have been portrayed in a number of books and have even made appearances on the big screen.
Kool Kats in gangsta culture often can be seen low riding or sporting battle scars from territorial displays. Pussy cats are often sold as pets, while the Humane Societies struggle to develop interventions that work.
Books:
- Kitten Cookbook was a culinary encyclopedia centered around the cooking and consuming of kittens.
- "Teaching Kittens How To Play The Tuba" written by Harold Bishop from Neighbours did exactly what it said on the tin.
Films:
- "When Dogs Attack" is a film Directed by Guy Ritchie and is about dawgs chasing kittens, but in the end the kitten pwns the dawgs after they discover that the angry dogs only weakness is that they can be distracted by throwing a string of sausages at them and then clawing their eyes out when they are distracted.
- Battle Royale has a person called Kitano in it. He is a baddy and it's thought that he was played by a kitten.
Cat Uses: - Sopping up blood with their fur - Licking your blood and their body parts - Giving you all kinds of worms - Eating and drinking all of your milk and tuna
Games
- The Weighted Companion Cube was a seller of kittens and kitten paraphernalia before he starred in Portal.
Effects of Huffing on Kitten Souls[edit | edit source]
Due to the 9 lives of cats, kittens (and more mature cats) have 9 souls and one ethereal spirit. Upon huffing, a soul is scattered to one of the Circles Of Hell, consequently, when all souls have been huffed, and the kitten (or cat) is dead, the ethereal spirit remaining must go on a quest for each soul, and reunite them all and itself to enter cat heaven. Should it fail, the kitten (or cat) remains locked in hell. But, to help each spirit on its quest, it is assigned a Dedicated Gamer or DG to help guide it through each level, and reach Heaven. Failure at this task results in Game Over and the souls remain in hell with the ethereal spirit. This has led to the popular series of video games Cat out of Hell which also reached the number one spot in the UK charts with its evermore popular theme music.
Kittens: There are also evil purple kittens.
See Also[edit | edit source]
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Where Kittens Come From[edit | edit source]
- Admins
- Ancient Aliens
- Anunnaki
- B4
- Big Brother
- Big Tobacco
- Bilderberg Group
- Bluestocking
- Bohemian Grove
- Cabal
- Capital One
- CIA
- CIA2
- CSA
- COM
- COTS
- CNN
- C-SPAN
- DMC
- ECHELON
- Eunuchs
- EU
- EIAHCS
- FBI
- FCC
- Government
- Grand Conspiracy
- Hanso Foundation
- Illuminati
- IHOP
- IMSC
- IMF
- Jews
- KKK
- Kittens
- LLS
- MHC
- MIB
- Monkey Illuminati
- MTV
- MSNBC
- SIRS
- NATO
- New Age
- NGS
- NSA
- Quakers
- Reptilians
- RGS
- SWG
- SETI
- Skull and Bones
- State
- Them
- TC
- UN
- USA
- USE
- WHO
- Who
- WTO
- WAAEJ
- Xenu
- You
- Zionists Anonymous
