Church of the SubGenius

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The Church of the SubGenius is a secret, hidden cabal masquerading as a joke, which has infiltrated many levels of society in order to advance the agenda of its mysterious founder, JR "Bob" Dobbs. The Church has been described as an offshoot of Discordianism. Evidence has been uncovered that both Discordianism and the Church of the SubGenius are both linked to the Sex Magic Cults in Ong's Hat, New Jersey. This cult dates back to the late 1800s, when a circus magician named Noble Drew Ali formed the Islamic Sufi Sex Cult, the Moorish Science Temple there.

In the 1980s, the USA Network late-night show Night Flight brought the Church of the SubGenius into the mainstream, as it broadcast SubGenius propaganda videos to a worldwide audience. These broadcasts were described in a 1997 expose on the Church, which noted:

"the weekly video show 'NightFlight' ran a series of not so musical videos in the 80s put out by an organization which called itself the 'Church of the SubGenius.' The videos included blatant hypnotic and post-hypnotic suggestion, prompting speculation that they were one of the more obvious attempts at mind control made over the airwaves. The Church of the SubGenius video also included dizzyingly rapid images of satanic symbology that was apparently aimed at the subconscious. In a deep voice, the announcer told the story of 'supersalesman' Bob Dobbs, while the cartoon image of Dobbs with the pipe was turned back and forth at such rapid speed that it at times looked like a swastika. The announcer explained how Bob had stumbled onto the secrets of who really runs the world." [1]

"Bob" Dobbs has displayed a curious ability to get himself killed numerous times, only to come back from the dead shortly after. His latest reported death was in April of 2007, when his body was found in Iraq. [2]

Pope Perro[edit | edit source]

The Church of the SubGenius has taken to mocking the Catholic religion lately by dressing up a little white dog with a pope hat. They proclaim that carrying a picture of Pope Perro in your wallet will bring you good luck. The televangelist Larry Dallas has stated on his local cable access show, "These Are The End Times", that he believes that Pope Perro is the "great beast" of the apocalypse, mentioned in The Book of Revelation by John of Patmos, c. 17 C.E. -- ; however, the SubGenius Church did not yet exist, though of course the Subgenii themselves had existed for eons by this point.

Persecution[edit | edit source]

The Church's enduring popularity has attracted criticism and attacks from rival religious cults, ranging from Discordianism to Scientology. Scientologist John Travolta has even been known to steal signature lines from J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, as in the movie Broken Arrow when he quoted the SubGenius slogan, "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!"

The Church of the SubGenius is one of the most persecuted religions of the modern era. Given a choice between a SubGenius, and being a gay black Muslim pagan living in the Deep South, most Pinks will choose the latter because they are more tolerated.

  • Scientologists hate SubGeniuses. After a SubGenius wrote the infamous "Clam FAQ" [3], Scientologists began their practice of raiding the homes of SubGeniuses, often accompanied by law enforcement agents. [4]
  • Politicians hate SubGeniuses. If a SubGenius gathering is known be taking place, local politicians will team up with law enforcement to shut the gathering down and kick the troublemaking SubGeniuses out. [5]
  • Judges hate SubGeniuses. SubGenius parents have had custody of their children taken from them and awarded to moronic rednecks. [6]
  • Preachers hate SubGeniuses. SubGeniuses have been known to play pranks on such noble, God-fearing evangelists as Peter Popoff [7] and Bob Larson. The preachers, in turn, have called the wrath of God down on the Church. Shortly afterwards the Church won the Missourri State Lottery to the tune of 1.5Million (minus taxes).
  • Teachers hate SubGeniuses. This is greatly because Bob (reversed: B O B) encourages people to think for themselves, and to resist the De-Education System. This is why youth are joining this doom cult in droves because by joining a group, they are smart 'individuals'.

How to find a Subgenius[edit | edit source]

A real Subgenius will never tell you he/she is a Subgenius because they are too smart for you to understand. They can sometimes be found smoking a pipe wearing a sign board stating: 'Subgenius at work', but only one sighting has been found, and it was written on an Sumerian tablet that was confiscated by Bob Vila as home repair materials for his excrameditation chamber.

However, scans of the tablet were sent to people's door who subscribed to Mad Magazine in 1972. The issue was later recalled because the image was not supposed to be seen by anyone who could not understand slack and the true meaning of 'FUCK THE CONSPIRACY'. After the recall, Pizza delivery men who were really agents from Planet Clitoris went to everyone's house who had the magazine and traded them hamsters. This caused all last traces of this scan to disappear.

Bob has trained his Subgenii well, for they will never reveal their secrets because they don't need handshakes, or passwords like other stupid and fucking weak secret societies that think they are cool.. Subgenii simply just know one from a pink.

Connie Dobbs, Bob's wife made a splinter group called Subgenita. It's for horny house wives to gather and talk about how they get their 'slack'. This rise created a huge push for Bob's plan. The two have created a religious false market that beats Christians and Satanists hands down. Bob's Market Shares on the Pink Market have made him and his wife the richest people since the invention of Moth Balls.

"Where are my fucking waffles?" -Bob Dobbs 13,013 BC

The Future of the Movement[edit | edit source]

Many have argued that the Church is approaching a dark and uncertain chapter. Luckily, signs indicate this to be pure speculation and lacking in verifiable fact. It will probably be ok, i just know it.

-or something like that