Doctor Who
Doctor Who is a British TV documentary, with an associated cult of brainwashed followers. It is produced by the BBC and funded by the London Tourist Board. It follows a now-famous presentational format, in which the presenter, referred to as "The Doctor," covers such diverse topics as history, physics, warfare, cookery, art and sex, with an assistant who's usually a young, attractive, and promiscuous female. However, the UK's Danny La Rue Act of 1922 forbids women from the acting profession, so the assistants are actually queer actors in drag.
What makes Doctor Who markedly different from other documentaries such as Horizon, The Day Today and Newsround Review is that the educational nature of the program is carefully disguised behind a plot regarding aliens, time travel, and the like, woven from the real-life adventures of Oscar Wilde.
Overview
Due to the unkempt status of this page, it has become necessary to summarize this subject into video form:
The Doctor
Interestingly, the show only refers to its main character as "The Doctor," except in one instance, which resulted in the responsible parties being crushed by elephants. The reasons for this are unclear, but fans of the show are known to strangle those who fuck it up with excessively large scarves, so just accept the Doctor as the Doctor, okay? It is believed by a large group of fans that his unknown first name is, in fact, Knock-Knock, and that he has taken the title Doctor in order to hide this embarrassing fact. Other fans believe it is Yuno. Regardless, everyone agrees that his first name must be either incredibly lame, uncool, pathetic or embarrassing, or a combination of all four.
The Doctor presents the programme in an unconventional indirect narrative fashion, explaining what's happening through discussion with his assistant. When the first actor to play the Doctor finally left the show to do a spoken word album, the casting director took the brave decision of replacing him with a look-alike in the hope that the audience wouldn't notice. Unfortunately the casting director was blind. Viewers have come to accept the fact that Doctor Who changes height, hair colour, build, wardrobe, gender and general physical appearance from time to time as part of the programme's charm.
The following actors have played the Doctor:
The First Doctor: William Shatner
When the first series of Doctor Who was commissioned in the 1960s, the BBC decided to spend a huge sum of money on a high-profile celebrity to boost initial ratings. Alas, no one would touch this show with a barge pole, so they chose up-and-coming musician and writer William Shatner. Shatner portrayed the Doctor as an eccentric Englishman with a Midwest US accent and bizarre taste in hats, who travels with his beautiful young "niece," Uhura. (We'll just play along with that; we know who she really is.) Many have speculated that the character of Zap Brannigan from Futurama was based on The First Doctor. The First Doctor was axed eventually, his regeneration caused by screaming "DALEKS! so many times.
The pilot episode, "To Boldly Go", received 2,500 complaints from grammar fascists for the title alone.
The Second Doctor: Patrick Stewart
Following Shatner's unexpected departure to the world of spoken word and subsequent recruitment to NBC television series Star Trek, the casting director attempted to cast a similar-looking actor as his replacement. Mistaking Patrick Stewart's outsized mop top for a silly hat, the plot device of the Doctor's "visual transmogrification" was born. Stewart's Doctor was a sterner, angrier, dancier man, portrayed as a German with an French accent. Amongst Stewart's Doctor's enemies were the cybermen, the yeti, Mary Whitehouse and some "Greek" bird from London called "The Counsellor," who whined at people until their ears bled. After stopping a Sesame Street gangwar, the Second Doctor was captured by Time Lords from Gallifrey (an unknown city in Ireland) and put on trail for badly playing a recorder. He was exiled and forced to regenerate by being put in a giant blender.
The Third Doctor: John Inman
Former civil servant John Inman took over as The Doctor when Patrick Stewart was poached by the Royal Shakespeare Company to play MacPicard in the film production of the Scottish Play, First Contact. Inman was an unpopular choice; especially given the plot had him stranded on Earth with a dysfunctional TARDIS, condemning the series to a load of stagnant plotlines relating to alien invasion. Luckily his assistant's constant barrage of "pussy" jokes lightened the mood somewhat. He was forced to regenerate into his fourth form when bitten by a drunken Spider-Man.
The Fourth Doctor: Tom Jones
When Inman gave up television for a life of pantomime, the producers decided to draft in Welsh pop idol and chest hair resource Tom Jones, in an attempt to draw a larger female audience. The ruse backfired when Jones had written in his contract that he would rewrite and sing the theme tune. The lyrics to "What's New, Doctor Who?" were thought to have been lost in the annals of history. However, they have recently been re-discovered on eBay and are being re-recorded by William Shatner for his next spoken word album, a collaboration with Cannibal Corpse. Tom regenerated when he fell of the top of the BBC prosessing tower.
The Fifth Doctor: Dolly Parton
After Tom Jones was declared "far too Welsh" by avid sci-fi nerds the world over, the producers quickly brought in brash, obnoxious oil tycoon Dolly Parton to replace him, and in turn appease the fans. Unfortunately, she didn't go down too well with the fan base, and many adults can still remember hiding behind the sofa in an attempt to get away from her shrill singing voice, which she often used in order to defeat her enemies. Dolly had to regenerate after she broke a nail.
The Sixth Doctor: The Undertaker
After Dolly Parton fell into a booze-induced coma while filming, the BBC wrote her out as getting stuck on the top floor of an apartment building. Fans spent weeks speculating as to who the new Who would be, and after 5 minutes alone with him in his office, and two broken ribs later, the BBC director general called upon long time friend The Undertaker to fill in the role. The wrestler's tenure as Doctor Who was marred by a marked increase in violence, most disturbingly when he threw the previous Doctor's companion Brenda down a flight of stairs following his regeneration scene. After many episodes of abusive violence towards his companions, alien friends and enemies, he regenerated when he met a girl named Mel ad commited suicide.
The Seventh Doctor: Sylvester the Cat
When The Undertaker eschewed his role as The Doctor in order to pursue his career as a TV chef, up and coming unknown Sylvester the Cat was drafted in to take up the role of the intrepid time-lord. Slight alterations had to be made to accommodate Sylvester, including a scratching post and a litter tray in the corner of the TARDIS, which caused outcry amongst some of the more passionate fans. Despite all this, Sylvester remained a firm fan favourite right up until his demise from being chucked into a woodchipper by the Master in the TV movie.
The Eighth Doctor: Craig McLachlan
After a good few years hiatus, an American television producer named Dave Yadallee was given the green light by the BBC to dust off The Doctor's bizarre hat and waistcoat, and bring him back in a one-off special in the form of ex Bugs star, Craig McLachlan. McLachlan was faced with one of the weakest enemies The Doctor would ever encounter, the Andrex Puppies, and many viewers fondly remember him climbing on top of the TARDIS and screaming, "For the love of God, please save me!" while shitting his knickers. Television would never be the same again, and as a result, Doctor Who was axed. It is not known how he regenerated, but he was theorized to have ben killed in an incident involving a Time Warrenty.
The Ninth Doctor: Christopher Reeve
The Doctor finally returned to our screens in early 2005, in an attempt to tempt today’s youth into becoming doctors, due to the ever growing concerns over the NHS. In a controversial move, the BBC made the Doctor bald, Northern, cheeky, gay, fascist and Catholic in a bid to appeal to a wider target audience. Thanks to expert producer R.T.D. 2, everyone enjoyed the first episode. But disaster struck when Reeve died of wheelchair of the legs in March. The story continues...----
The Tenth Doctor: David Duchovny
The 28th series of Doctor Who promises more of everything: Knife fights, divorce, rape, evil twins - it's got it all.
In an interview conducted in 2005, Duchovny described the approach taken by the BBC in the filming of the new series as "pushing forward in a positive, emotive direction". Out go the leather jackets and the shiny shoes, in come tweed jackets and Chuck Taylors. This is a smart move by the BBC, as everybody knows that The Doctor cannot possibly be considered young, hip and groovy if he doesn't look like the lead singer of popular boy band Franz Ferdinand.
As well as being accompanied by the ever faithful Nora, Nicole Kidman cameod in the new series, reprising her role as Hilda, after a chance encounter with The Doctor during a failed police heist at The Alamo. In Duchonvy's second season as the Doctor, Oprah Winfrey played Mammoth "Martha" Jones, a replacement for Nora.
Both Duchonvy and Mammoth both made a guest appearance in the third series of the spin-off, Torchwood.
After aborting one regeneration to heal from an army of bronies, the 10th Doctor regenerated when Matt Smith shot him.
The Eleventh Doctor: Matt Damon
In 2008, it was confirmed that the new Doctor Who would be Matt Damon. Cast imminently after the resignation of executive producer R.T.D.2, Damon was a largely unpopular choice among the show's fanbase, due to him being overly gay. According to new EP Steven MacMoffat, he was currently the most camp actor to take the role, just ahead of Dolly Parton. Also highly notable was his hair. The big hair. The hair of the Time Lords. However, Damon was been proven in recent roles to be extremely chav like, a trait which detered monsters such as the Dialects. The Doctor was first joined by Autloc, played by James Rolfe, and then later Helen, played by Jennifer Aniston.
After all those rumors, when Matt actually did play the Doctor everybody loved him so the fun police took him to jail and thus Series 6 has had to be cut in half. Eventually, Damon regenerated after he failed to comprehend all of the plotholes that occurred during his tenure.
The Twelvth Doctor: Michael Jackson
Rumours have roamed the internet about a possible future role in the series of Michael Jackson as The Doctor. Unfortunately, the death of the pop legend has resulted in these rumours being disproven, but this hasn't stopped the constant fan rumours of Jacko's corpse being pinned to the TARDIS console, and peanut butter put in his mouth to simulate the speaking of random bafflegab. In any case, various other rumoured possibilities are:
- Pee-Wee Herman
- Xzibit
- The Pope
- A kidney's stone
- A Disco Bandit
- Optimus Prime
- The Stig
- Some kind of primitive lemur from Madagascar
- Dalek Fred
At any rate, Doctor Number Twelve regenerated after getting hit with a tin can, which was aggravated after he and Shatner's Doctor traveled through a giant refrigerator.
The TARDIS
The TARDIS allows the series to explore historical events without breaking the narrative - The Doctor simply enters the time machine and emerges at a different point in history. "TARDIS" is an acronym for "Thus Another Relocation Dilemma Is Solved", the words uttered by the series' producer when the plot device was first conceived.
The TARDIS takes the form of a blue Police Call Box, an old form of concealment used by police officers. For example, in surveillance operations, a Police Box was often deployed outside the building under surveillance to allow police officers to stay within close proximity to the suspects without arousing suspicion. Unfortunately these boxes became a thing of the past when officers began using them for other private matters, such as solicitation... the public came to associate the blue boxes with immoral acts and they were all taken away and burnt in 1941.
This did not concern the producers of Doctor Who, who adopted one of the few surviving boxes as "the TARDIS". Recently, however, the BBC lost a court battle with the musician Sting, who owns the trademark on the word "police", over the use of the Police Box, which also falls under his ownership. The 28th series of Doctor Who, currently in pre-production, is rumoured to use a Portaloo instead, rechristened "the TURDIS" (TURD in Space) and as a money-saving device has been converted to run on methane. Other possibilities are RETARDIS (RETARD In Space) or the TARDIS formilly known as the TARDIS (The Human Enteragence system that depends on Time And Relitive Demensions In Space Formatting Orderating Machine prossesing in In laLLa ward's bodY Knoackilassisy Non OPbutenatrictoryily Willing Not AS The Human Enteragence system Time And Relitive Demensions In Space).
Conspiracy Theories
Despite the long run of the series "The Doctor" has not yet had a sexual relationship with one of his assistants (in the US "interns" are socially expected to allow this even at group interview stage). The series injoke is that this is because of the advanced age of The Doctor, however a conspiracy theory is that The Doctor is simply a gay man (or possibly even a alien lesbian as a man) who is using the youth of the assistant to avoid any question of his sexuality arising.
Indeed yet an even more common variation of the theory among low brows who read the Daily Mail is that "The Doctor" is simply a paedophile who uses the TARDIS to seduce young impressionable "girls" to join him on his journey out of the reach of the authorities beyond time and space.
Another pointless conspiracy theory concludes that "The Doctor" is actually not a University graduate at all and that, in fact, he received his education from a diploma mill such as MIT or even Harvard. Theorist point out to the fact that even though he calls himself The Doctor he has yet to use any incomprehensible characters after his name, such as BFeck or DClit. Other promoters of this theory point to the absence of any certificates in his parlour.
Assistants
There have been a number of assistants through the various series. Assistants are typically used as foil for The Doctor's razor-sharp wit, or, during the time of the seventh doctor, a scratching post. Assistants are often involved in platonic relationships with The Doctor, apart from the occasional outbreak of nymphomania. Casting of assistants was, at one stage, done by mass national audition in the style of Pop Idol/American Idol (predating such shows by many decades). Recently, however, it was found to be easier to recruit failed musicians directly. The latest assistant was formerly Tucker, a gangster, played by Chris Rock. However, he was axed at the end of the latest season, so the current assistant is unknown.
Previous Assistants:
| Actor | Character | Description |
| Janet Jackson | Uhura, the Doctor's niece | Uhura was originally designed as the First Doctor's girlfriend, however, this was changed when it was decided that the Doctor was 547 years older than her. She later moved to a space station alongside her brother (later revealed to be both the Twelfth Doctor and not her actual brother, who was actually dead for nearly ten years. |
| Marilyn Monroe | a banker named Thora | The First Doctor found Thora asleep on the toilet in the Bank Of England when his TARDIS materialised there in the very first episode. After what was regarded as the first interracial love scene on television (until it was widely accepted that American and Shatnerite did not constitute interracial) she joined him on his quest for galactic domination. |
| Pussy Galore | a circus freak named Eva | Patrick Stewart's Doctor recruited Eva from a newspaper advert when Thora was married off to the president of Tanzania in exchange for some dilithium (rumoured to be The Doctor's hallucinogenic of choice). Her ability to gargle liquid nitrogen made her famous overnight and the pin-up of choice for prepubescent boys throughout Essex. |
| Angela Lansbury | a drug smuggler named Fanny | Taking time out from acting in US detective series Murder Death Kill, Lansbury was hired to play Fanny at the request of Stewart, who was rumoured to dislike acting alongside a better-looking performer. Fanny was initially portrayed as Amish but this resulted in riots on the streets of Brixton so the writers had her killed off in a freak toenail accident. |
| Al Pacino | a greengrocer named Frank | In an attempt to move away from the sexual tension which marred the first two Doctors' careers, the character of Frank was created to act alongside Fanny. Unfortunately his mobster accent got The Doctor into an awful lot of trouble, not least with his arch-rivals the Cybermen. |
| Ron Jeremy | the Minister of Transport | As a sop to the gay community, who had become increasingly annoyed at the overtly heterosexual nature of the third Doctor's relationship with his assistants, as well as John Inman's own uncomfortability associating with women, the BBC hired porn star Ron Jeremy as assistant to the Doctor. However, Ron refused to do a scene with the sonic screwdriver and the cyberman laser pistol and was promptly sacked. |
| Nicole Kidman | a Tax Collector named Hilda | The Fourth Doctor rescued Hilda from the Second British Civil War, in which all the Civil Servants were rounded up and shot. The episode was actually aired a week before the actual Second British Civil War began in 1985, exactly as described on the show. The BBC still denies the obvious allegations. |
| Adolf Hitler | himself, in the form of Cyborg Hitler | A controversial addition to the series, Hitler remained in the series for a total of three episodes, before being left in Washington by the Doctor. He had grown tired of their continual debates on whether Jews were or were not scum. (The Doctor held the latter view. Coincidentally, this coincided with the Fourth Doctor's regeneration.) |
| Sharon Stone | a kickboxer named Brenda | The Fifth Doctor got through an awful lot of assistants due to her excessive use of brain-shattering singing in the event of an argument. The producers responded to viewer complaints by hiring an actress that nobody would mind seeing pushed over the edge. Brenda's short temper led to the Fifth Doctor's regeneration. |
| Britney Spears | an arsonist named Kelly "Kel" Boomer | After Brenda was kicked out for her constant spars with the Sixth Doctor, Kelly was brought in as the Doctor's lawyer when he went to court for going 25 miles over the speed limit with the TARDIS. She quickly became one of the most popular companions since Hilda, until she left in the final episode of the original series because she got stuck trying to go through a door. |
| Stephen Fry | a passive-aggressive robot called Marvin | In an attempt to replace the Seventh Doctor with another cute character, the writers stole one from the diary of famed Scottish monarch Douglas Adams, casting Stephen Fry in the role alongside the Eighth Doctor. The lawsuit is still ongoing. |
| Billy Piper | a mathematician named Nora | In the pilot for the revived series, the Ninth Doctor saved Nora from an army of living perfume stands. After a season, she turned into a "Bad Wolf" and triggered the Doctor's regeneration. After another season, Nora was dumped on a nudist beach. |
| Bill Cosby | Captian Jack Black | After Nora's lesbian tendencies were shown, audiences were in an uproar, so producer R.T.D.2, decided to insert a military private as a completely straight soldier who joined the Ninth Doctor. He left one episode after when he fell out of the TARDIS. It's still debated whether this was intentional or not. However, it is commonly agreed that Captain Black's creation led to the gradual shift in the tone of the programme to LGBT propaganda. |
| Oprah Winfrey | Mammoth "Martha" Jones, Whoopi Goldberg's cousin | After Billy's quitting, the team decided to continue the tradition of annoying companions, so the Tenth Doctor invited The Annoying Martha herself. Mammoth often wined when not getting what she wanted and threatened to quit the series, and then would return when payed more. She left the series when the Master's cat attacked her face, thus ruining her make-up. |
| James Rolfe | a cyborg gamer named Autloc | Immediately after regenerating, the Eleventh Doctor crashed into Autloc's bedroom, upon which Autloc joined him in order to find the opportune time to sue him for damages. Known for his single "Power Glove" that was shown to obliterate whole armies of Dialects and his tendency to utter profanity every third word, Autloc remained a fan favorite until he left to travel with his friend, Mike, upon which the two were menaced by an army of bricks. Sadly, Autloc and Mike perished. |
| Jennifer Aniston | a disc jockey named Helen | Distraught after Autloc left, the Eleventh Doctor rescued Helen from an army of spoons. She quickly became too important, since it was revealed that she was actually the former head of BBC when Doctor Who first aired in 1963. Eventually. after the Eleventh Doctor regenerated, she sacrificed herself for an unimportant character who only appeared in one other episode, just to create pointless melodrama. |
| Chris Rock | a gangster named Tucker | The Twelfth Doctor found Tucker after breaking out of prison YET AGAIN. Tucker quickly became annoying, as he would constantly reference Michael Jackson songs while NOT wanting to travel through space, and he was left on the Moon at the end of the Twelfth Doctor's final season. |
Episode Guide
- See also: List of Classic Doctor Who episodes
- See also: List of Doctor Who serials
Classic Series
The First Doctor
Season One
| An After-birth Child | Two teachers investigate the reasons why their student, Susan, seems messed up. |
| The Dialects | The Doctor and his companions encounter a race of beautiful Aryans, and a race of disfigured mutants. No prizes for guessing who he sides with. It is a sight the Dialects will not forget in the many episodes that will follow. |
| The Egg of Destruction | The Doctor and his companions are trapped in the Tardis, trying to find out what a horrible smell coming from the fridge actually is. |
| Marco's Pole | Ian Chesterton gets to grips with a historical figure. |
| The Dales | Jamie McCrimmon is transported forward in time to the Yorkshire Dales to work on a farm. |
| The Quiche of Mary-ness | The Doctor and friends have tea with some middle class gays. |
| The Ass Text | Barbara butt-dials a text message that changes history. |
| The Censor-ites | The Doctor battles a group of concerned parents who want to tone down the violence in the show. |
| The Reign of Error | The Doctor inadvertently defeats the French Revolution and mistakenly allows the French monarchy to continue. |
Season Two
| Planet of Bryants | The Tardis lands on a planet where every person is Kobe Bryant. |
| The Dialect Invasion of Eartha Kitt | The Dialects plot a fiendish plan to take over the world through the medium of popular music. |
| The Fescue | The Doctor meets a gardening expert named Vicki who teaches him all about grass seed. |
| The Roman Candles | Ian demonstrates how fireworks work, and accidentally burns down a city. |
| The Pleb Planet | The Tardis arrives on a planet filled with noobs, plebs, and scrubs. |
| The Crust | Vicki doesn't like eating the crusts on her sandwiches, so she gives them to Barbara. |
| The Space Mausoleum | Aliens attempt to entomb Ian. |
| The Chaise | Ian and Barbara spend 6 episodes chilling on a sofa in 18th Century France. |
| The Thyme Meddler | The Meddling Monk perverts the course of history by releasing microwave ready meals in the 11th Century abundant with his favourite herb. |
Season Three
| Galaxy Bore | The Tardis crew arrive in the dullest galaxy in the universe. |
| Fishing in the Unknown | The Daleks go fishing in muddy waters, where there may or may not be fish. |
| The Meth Makers | The Tardis crew meets Walter White and Jesse Pinkman in this crossover with Breaking Bad. |
| The Park | The Doctor, Dodo, and Steven relax in a park. |
| The Dialects' Master Plane | This time the Doctor is really in for it. The Dialects pursue him for twelve episodes through time and space in their new jazzed up Concorde. The Doctor takes a break for one episode entitled The Fist of Steven. This episode was burnt straight after broadcast due to its extreme graphic content. |
| The Masticater of St Bartholomew's Eve | Steven bites off more than he can chew when confronted with a double of the Dr. |
| The Sad Aged | The Doctor becomes depressed after thinking about his advanced age, and Steven and Dodo try to make him feel better. |
| The Celestial Soymaker | The Doctor, Steven and Dodo battle an omnipotent soy farmer in a place outside of space and time! |
| The Gumfighters | The Doctor needs a dentist. Four episodes of root canal. |
| The Warm Machines | Doctor Who is required... bring him a blanket! |
Season Four
| The Snugglers | The Doctor gives Steven and Dodo new stuffed animals to snuggle in bed. |
| The Tent Planet | Polly tries to help Ben with his tent pole. She is unsuccessful, but luckily lots of guys in uniforms and even some Cyber-Men can more than rise to the occasion. The Doctor collapses in shock and... Regenerates!!! |
The Second Doctor
Season 4 (continued)
| Pooer of the Dialects | On the planet Vulcan, the peaceful natives are unaware of the Dialects' fiendish plot to take over the planet by sabotaging their sewerage system. |
| The Highlenders | The Doctor re-encounters Jamie McCrimmon, who is now working as a mortgage advisor after tiring of life on the farm. |
| The Underwater Dentist | Polly, Ben, and Jamie are avoiding going to the dentist, but they unexpectedly encounter him in the swimming pool. |
| The Moon Face | Jamie and Ben drop their trousers in an attempt to scare off the evil Cyber-Men in their much anticipated return. |
| The Mac Terror | The Doctor encounters a colony of obsessive anoraks. |
| The Faece-less Ones | A desperate race of aliens harvest humanity of their rectums after an unfortunate accident left them unable to defecate. |
| Eva of the Dialects | Victoria Waterfield is held prisoner by the Dialects after she refuses to be the lead in their off-Broadway tour of Evita. |
Season Five
| Womb of the Cybermen | The Doctor and Jamie must rescue Victoria after the Cyber-Controller kidnaps her in an attempt to breed a new race of Cyber-Men. |
| The Abominable Showman | A Buddhist monk forces the Doctor and his friends to endure 6 episodes of his poor stand-up routine. |
| The Ass Warriors | The Doctor must prevent a new Ass Age. |
| The Enemy of the Worms | A salamander does battle with worms. |
| The Pleb of Fear | A noob scares everyone until the Brigadier makes his first appearance. |
| Furry from the Deep | Jamie and Victoria go swimming but are shocked when they encounter furries in the deep end of the pool. |
| The Wheel in Spain | Who can stop the Cyber-Men's traveling fare, featuring their deadly Ferris Wheel, from destroying all of Barcelona (Brixton doubles for Barcelona.) Enter feisty librarian Zoe Heriot! |
Season Six
| He Dominates 'er | Jamie's not happy with Zoe's feminist and overbearing personality. Time to show her who's boss. |
| The Mind Rubber | The Master Brain has plans for the Dooctor, but the Doctor insists on using protection. |
| Tax Evasion | The Brigadier returns to bust the Cybermen for tax evasion. |
| The Scrote-ons | On the planet of the giant ball sacs, the Doctor and Jamie begin to feel very insignificant. Only Zoe holds the key to their escape, and the key is in her pants... |
| The Weed of Debt | Jamie and Zoe go into debt buying drugs. |
| The Space-Pie Rapes | A series of horrendous sexual attacks lead the Dr and his friends to a mysterious intergalactic bakery. |
| The Whore Games | Zoe is captured and forced to work in a brothel in the heart of Nazi Germany. Or is she? As the Dr and Jamie investigate, they find massage parlours and saunas from numerous periods of Earth history. This can only be the work of the evil Whore Chief. The Time Lords intervene, but Jamie and Zoe are so mentally scarred from the incident they repress all knowledge of the Dr and are sent off by the Time Lords to recover. The Dr is then forced to... Regenerate!!! |
The Third Doctor
Season Seven
| Smear Test from Space | Liz Shaw is recruited by UNIT as the newly-regenerated Dr lies in hospital. Before she can start work however, the Brigadier insists she undergoes a full physical, little does she know its really the Brig himself behind that gynecologist's mask... |
| Doctor Who, and Sil Urinates | From the planet Thoros Beta, reptilian alien Sil terrorises London when his water tank explodes. Meanwhile, the Doctor takes Liz for a ride in his new pimped-up car. |
| The Ambassadors of Debt | In yet another epic seven-part adventure, alien ambassadors spend too much money on Earth. |
| In Fur? No! | Liz leaves UNIT to join PETA. Whilst the Brig shaves off his moustache after an incident where "something" got in his eye forcing him to wear an eye patch. Well, everyone knows a 'tache is a sure sign of a raving mo! |
Season Eight
| Terror of the Autos | The Doctor has a new assistant, Jo Grant. He takes her for a ride in Bessie, leading to a harrowing 4 episodes as he terrorises her in the back seat. Afterward, he claims it was just the Master in disguise, honest! |
| The Mime of Evil | A mime trained to suck evil out of criminals' brains turns into an evil criminal himself. Who'd've thunk it? Plus he can teleport. |
| The Slaw of Assholes | Some jerks try to trick the Doctor into trying their coleslaw. |
| Colonoscopy in Space | The Time Lords send the Doctor on a mission... emergency bowel surgery ensues. |
| The Dame-ones | The Doctor is not impressed when the demonic Azal is even camper than he is. |
Season Nine
| Dai of the Dialects | The Dialects use a time bomb to annihilate all of Wales. No one cares. |
| The Cruise of Peladon | Jo is all dolled up for a night out with Mike Yates, Mike declines her offer and instead is whisked off by the Doctor for a tour of Peladon's seedy underworld... |
| He-She Devils | A far right Christian group on one side, a transsexual rights parade on the other. UNIT and the Doctor are smack in the middle.... |
| The Mutts | Humans try to invade a planet of dogs. |
| The Thyme Monster | Kronos wreaks horrible destruction using herbs. |
Season Ten
| The Three-ish Doctors | Two of the Doctors battle Omega-3 supplements, while the First Doctor provides moral support via Zoom. |
| Carnival of Man Stars | A peep show, a sailor, and a polari-talking old queen. What could possibly happen? |
| Front, Rear, In Space | Draconian? Far from it! These reptilian aliens sure know how to have a good time! |
| Ban-it of the Dialects | Daily Mail reading Dialects want to ban immigration, can the Doctor stop them? |
| The Genre Death | More escapades in Wales. UNIT encounter an ecological rights group. Jo thinks this "Doctor Stranded on Earth" genre has had its day, and as such leaves. |
Season Eleven
| The Times Warrior | Sarah Jane Smith is a journalist. She's never gonna make it into the broadsheets though. Not without the help of a murderous, horny, war-hungry Sontaran, anyway... |
| Invasion of the Dino-Sores | Sarah and Doctor must find the cure for a prehistoric strain of herpes, before Sarah herself falls victim! |
| Debt to the Dialects | The Dialects go into debt trying to buy the Exxon-Mobil Corporation. |
| The Monster of Pele's Dong | The Doctor and Sarah had just found the cure, but something happened after they applied the treatment to a certain well-known footballer. This was one mutation they were not counting on... |
| Planet of the Hivers | He can run, he can hide, but he can't escape. The Hivers ravish the Doctor, and force him to... Regenerate!!! |
The Fourth Doctor
Season Twelve
| Rob-bot | The Doctor learns to jump rope and do tricks with a yo-yo. He even manages to impress a robot. |
| The Sontaran Ex-Merriment | Sarah Jane's ex-boyfriend, Linx, returns. He's not happy she dumped him to travel with the Doctor! |
| Car Park in Space | The Doctor forgets where he parked the Tardis. |
| Genital Cysts of the Dialects | The Time Lords send the Doctor and company to the start of Dialect history. Their mission? Use the prehistoric virus they discovered to halt the creation of the Dialects. But does Davros even have any reproductive organs hiding in his chair? |
| Rev. Gene and the Cybermen | The Reverend Gene Barker tries to cure the macho Nancy's of their deviant ways. |
Season Thirteen
| Terror of the Zygotes | An IVF clinic is bombed by religious fanatics. |
| Granite of Evil | The Doctor educates homeowners on the dangers of radar gas emissions from granite countertops. |
| Pyramids of Ma's | Sarah and the Doctor encounter Ma, an evil female Osiran known for her large triangular bosoms. |
| The Android Aphasia | The Doctor conducts a psychological case study on an android who is having trouble speaking coherently. |
| The Bra in Morbius! | Sarah and the Doctor have defeated Ma and taken her bra as a trophy. The Doctor shows it off to Morbius, a renegade Time Lord, who gets it stuck in his nasal passage after having a good sniff when he thought no one was looking. |
| The Weeds of Doom | The Doctor leads a group of volunteers in removing invasive species of weeds from a local park. |
Season Fourteen
| The Masque of Man-Drag-Whore | An evil sex-crazed drag queen has the Doctor and Sarah in his grasp! Can our heroes escape? |
| The Hand-job of Fear | "I'm not touching that, its all cold and gravelly!" Sarah tells Eldrad, and storms off in a huff. |
| The Deadly Ass Sin | The Time Lords don't approve of what the Doctor and the Master have been up to... |
| The Face is Vile | Or so Leela thinks. The Doctor kidnaps her, and he will make her love him! |
| The Robots of Debt | The Doctor must prevent shopping-addicted robots from going bankrupt. |
| The Tampons of Wang Chung | "Everybody have fun!" screams crazed lead vocalist of the popular 80s band. He has Leela in his grasp and will force the Sevateem Warrior Woman to submit to him. Not if the Doctor can get there first. However, he still hasn't had her himself yet. |
Season Fifteen
| Horror of Wang Rock | The Doctor has a harrowing experience involving a penis-shaped rock. |
| The Invisible Enema | The Doctor finally enters Leela...! |
| Damage of the Fender | The Doctor must repair the bumper of his car after a minor collision. |
| The Son Makers | On a planet where a disease has led all the local women to only bear daughters, the men gang rape Leela, in the hope she will produce a son for them. |
| Underwear | The Doctor goes shopping for some sexy knickers for Leela. |
| The Evasion of Limes | The Doctor scolds a group of sailors who are avoiding drinking the lime juice necessary for preventing scurvy. |
Season Sixteen
| The Reebok Operation | The quest for the Key to Time has begun! Romana becomes entangled with a foot fetishist, and must find out which pair of trainers is the first Key before it's too late. |
| The Pirated Planet | The Doctor and Romanna discover a group of nerds bootlegging Doctor Who episodes with Netflix. Can they discover which pirated DVD is the Key to Time? |
| Stoned in Blood | The Doctor and Romana's quest for the next segment to the key to time takes them to the lair of some hippies with Hematolagnia! |
| The Banned Roids of Tara | In this crossover with Gone With the Wind, the Doctor must prevent Scarlett from taking illegal performance-enhancing drugs. |
| The Power of Trolls | The Doctor shares a cautionary tale of the significantly harmful effects that internet trolls can have. |
| The Armageddon Fat Corr | Andrea Corr piles on the pounds after her solo album flops, and plans the destruction of the whole planet! |
Season Seventeen
| Desk Tidy of the Dialects | Those diabolical Dialects plan to take over the universe again! But Davros insists they tidy his office first. |
| City of Meth | The Doctor visits a decaying city overtaken by drugs and crime. |
| Creature from the Pits | Romana goes for a jog and doesn't shower afterward. |
| Nightmare of Hedon | The Doctor and Romana land on the planet Hedon, named for its hedonistic culture. The natives think of some interesting uses for K-9... |
| The Porn of Simon | Someone has been doing something disgusting with Hasbro toys, the Doctor and Romana investigate... |
| Nada | This episode does not exist. |
Season Eighteen
| The Leisure Hive | No explanation required. |
| Smegma | The Doctor gives a lesson on genital hygeine. |
| Full Merkel | The Doctor must stop Chancellor Angela Merkel from starring in a production of "The Full Monty." |
| Stoat of Decay | Romana and the Doctor throw rotting animal corpses at Adric. Well, you would wouldn't you? |
| Warriors' Gay | Romana wants to stay in E-space with the Tharils. The Tharils are more interested in Adric. |
| The Peeper of Traken | The Doctor lands on the planet Traken, but is an old enemy watching him in the shower? |
| Logopolish | Only a planet of Eastern European Immigrants can save the universe from destruction! The Doctor also... Regenerates!!! |
The Fifth Doctor
Season Nineteen
| Gastro-vulgar | The Doctor's regeneration is complicated by bowel problems, requiring frequent stops in the Zero Room. |
| Bored 'till Doomsday | A race of frogs travel in a spaceship for 80,000 years, with a very limited range of inflight entertainment. |
| Kindle | Adric buys a Kindle from Amazon, only to discover his account has been hacked. |
| Chlamydia | Tegan discovers what evil lurks within her body |
| The VD Action | Tegan almost lets loose a pandemic in London |
| Back Orifice | When he is not behind a mask, the Doctor bats for the other side |
| Earthschlock | ADRIC DIES !!!!!!! |
| Time Shite | In revenge against British Airways, the Doctor recovers their loss-making airliner. |
Season Twenty
| Art of Incontinence | Gallifrey's barriers against anti-matter are found to be located in an Amsterdam crack joint. |
| Snakedunce | When first broadcasted in 1983, the Mara infected characters were said to have inspired the New Romanticism movement. |
| Mawdryn Unspellable | Mawdryn tries to impersonates the Doctor - "pay no attention to the pulsating brain coming out of my skull", he tells Tegan and Nyssa. |
| Spermicide | The Doctor demands a method of contraception other than condoms. |
| Impotence | A intergalactic sailing race takes place between celestial eternals who hope to become permanent beings through winning a stash of viagra. |
| The King's Deviants | The Master tries to insert into the Magna Carta a law legalising beastiality. |
Season Twenty-One
| Wearers of the Dress | T he Sea Devils, Silurians and a pantomime named Mr. Snuffleupagus put on a drag act. |
| Away Wanking | After two stories, still no sign where Kamelion is. |
| Frontal | The last settlement of humans have their clothing removed by giant telekinetic skaters. |
| Retardation of the Dialects | The Dialects ask Davros for a cure to a disease that causes them to emit string-in-a-can secretions. |
| Planet of Fakes | The Doctor visits Lanzarote, and Sarn, a planet that looks a lot like Lanzarote. |
| Caves of Am-I-So-Horny | Well, you would be if you saw Peri's cleavage having lived in a cave with nothing but androids, hairy mercs, and giant bats for company. It would be enough to make you....Regenerate! |
The Sixth Doctor
Season Twenty-One (continued)
| The Twin Disaster | The Doctor strangles Peri. John Nation Turner strangles the Doctor. |
Season Twenty-Two
| Snack of the Cyberman | The Cybermen invade the refrigerated tombs of the Cryons in order to steal their ice cream. |
| Vangelis on Varos | Every time the Governor of Varos is defeated in a plebicite, he is subjected to a torrent of Greek electronic music. |
| The Shark of Salami | The Doctor fights a viscious, sausage-eating shark. |
| The Poo Doctors | Number Six takes a Number Two while Peri watches. |
| Mime Hash | The Doctor investigates a ring of drug-smuggling mimes. |
| Penetration of the Dialects | The Dialects explore both topping and bottoming. |
Season Twenty-Three
| Smile of a Time Lord | The Time Lords order the Doctor to smile. This becomes difficult when Mel arrives. |
| The Delirious Canuck | The Doctor must assist a confused Canadian. |
| Hind Warp | Peri tries on various pairs of dramatically form-enhancing trousers. |
| Terror of the Corduroys | The Doctor must wear uncomfortable corduroy pants all day. |
| The Ultimate Blow | The Doctor is put on trial for cocaine trafficking, but an intentional overdose causes him to...regenerate!...offscreen. |
The Seventh Doctor
Season Twenty-Four
| Time and the Tweety | The Doctor encounters his old foe, the Tweety. |
| Parasite Sour | After eating a suspicious-looking salad, the Doctor is attacked by his most deadly enemy so far, the tapeworm. |
| Delta and the Banana-man | The Doctor and Mel are blasted out of normal space-time and into Peanut Butter Jelly Time, where they must fight a treacherous singing banana man. |
| Dragonforce | The Doctor becomes trapped in a mosh pit at a Dragonforce concert and must be rescued by his new companion Ace, a time-travelling pet detective. |
Season Twenty-Five
| Dismemberance of the Dialects | Can the Doctor defeat a new race of handicapped Dialects, or will they succeed in their plan to ban stairs, and finally become the supreme beings? |
| The Crappiness Parole | The TARDIS arrives on a dystopian planet run by Bertie Basset. |
| The Greatest Blow in the Galaxy | In this sequel to 'The Ultimate Blow', the Doctor pulls eggs out of his mouth in a bid to impress the gods of light entertainment. |
Season Twenty-Six
| Cattlefield | The Brigadier returns to stop some cows from reenacting Arthurian Legends, and comes out of it with a nice grilled steak supper, though he nearly dies when the grill explodes. |
| Ghost Shite | The Doctor takes Ace back to Victorian times to find out why an old outhouse smells so bad 100 years later. |
| The Curds of Fenric | Ace and her grandmother eat some cheese made by vampires. |
| Reprisal | While on holiday to visit his inlaws, the Doctor is attacked by old nemesis the Master (played by Elmer Fudd). Ace becomes a Furry, a decision which proved so controversial that the BBC cancelled the show. |
The Eighth Doctor
| Doctor Who (1996) (The Movie) (The TV Movie) | The Doctor joins a gang war. He also realizes that he is half-human, a discovery shocking enough to cause him to... regenerate!?! After the series had been cancelled for seven years, this epic adventure ensured that the series would stay off the air for another nine years. |
New Series
The Ninth Doctor
Season One
| Rose | Rose Taylor is caught running with scissors! How will this new no-nonsense Northern Doctor react? |
| The End of the World | Rose chips a nail... is this... THE END OF THE WORLD??? |
| The Unquiet Dead | The Doctor talks about reincarnation, in this exciting instalment. |
| Aliens of London/World War Three | Hitler guest-stars as the Doctor's half-brother, Hitler. |
| Dialect | The Doctor's mortal enemies, the Dialect's, return! |
| The Long Game | The Doctor and Rose play Monopoly for 4 days. |
| Father's Day | Rose has forgotten to buy her Father a present for Father's Day! The Doctor shows us how to make a present, on the cheap! |
| The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances | In this thrilling two-parter, the Doctor teaches us the samba! |
| Boom Town | The Doctor blows up Wales! - but what effect would this really have on our world? The Doctor reveals all... (the answer is none) |
| Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways | In the series final, the Doctor investigates the possibility of the world being destroyed by the Dialects! But the Dialects are tired of this not funny running joke and decide to kill the doctor. Can Rose save the Doctor's life in time before he... Regenerates??! |
The Tenth Doctor
Season Two
| New Earth | The doctor buggers off to a place he calls 'New Earth' (Mars), he is suprised to find that Lolcats live on 'New Earth' and decides to blame them for everything thats ever gone wrong |
| Tooth and Claw | The doctor goes to scotland and gets chased around by an angry Celtic supporter, Rose is sold to Queen Victoria as a Prostitute, but the doctor is able to 'free' her by giving her a sock...wait..Isent that harry potter? bah who cares |
| School Reunion | The doctor blows up Rose's old school as a joke, the IRA gets the blame. |
| The Girl in the Fireplace | The doctor boasts about some french royal who nobody has ever heard about, A bunch of Autistic Mechanics try to kill the doctor and so he leaves |
| Rise of the Cybermen & The Age of steel | The doctor accidentaly creates a pararrell universe where Steve Jobs is a Cyberman who uses Iphones to turn people into Cybermen, Putting people through Painful surgery that turns them into mindless cyborgs? Theres an app for that! |
| The Idiots Lantern | In this special 'Doctor Sez' Episode, The doctor warns the children about the harmful effects of Television. |
| The Impossible Planet & The satan Pit | the doctor ends up on an asteroid in which Ood are used as slaves, the Ood get really pissed off and so drug everyone with Heroin. As a result, the staff on this planet claim that they are being sucked into a black hole, whilst the doctor and some guy named 'toby' claim to be getting messages from the devil. |
| Love and Monsters | Title says it all, Peter Kay stars in this Late Night, Paraphillic special episode. |
| Fear Her | The Doctor thinks that an odd child living in london is an Alien in disguise, The child turns out to have Asperger Syndrome, so yes. |
| Army of Ghosts & Doomsday | Skipping Parrarell Universe's and destroying both Rose AND the Daleks? theres an app for that! Steve Jobs and his ICybermen use this app to annoy the doctor. |
Season Three
| Spliff and Stones | The Doctor is admitted to hospital after he becomes stoned and thinks he is on the moon with the Rolling Stones. |
| The Shakespeare Code | The Doctor and Tom Hanks visit the set of the The Tudors. |
| Gridlock | The TARDIS becomes trapped in a traffic jam. |
| Dialects in Manhattan/Evolution of the Dialects | The Dialects start their own Broadway musical, chaos ensues.
Dialect Sec attempts to disprove creationism, but is lynched by an angry mob. |
| The Lazarus Experiment | Ra's al Ghul farts in a Lazarus Pit and transforms into a scorpion. |
| 42 | A ripoff with 24, but now with a living sun. |
| Truman Nature and The Family of Spud | The Doctor erases his memory and believes he is Harry S. Truman, hiding in 1913 with Martha to escape a family of aliens and their scarecrow posse. |
| Stink | There is a terrible stench coming from somewhere, the Doctor blames a stone statue for it. |
| Utopia | Jack Harkness returns, neanderthals attack the last human colony, and Derek Jacobi is revealed to be the Master. |
| The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords | The Master becomes Prime Minster of the UK and becomes the best one ever - until the Doctor reverses time to escape his Gollum phase. |
Specials
| The Next Doctor with a first name of David and a last name of some has-been gay English Rock Star from the 80s. | The Doctor is fooled into beleiving that he will always be played by a guy whose first name is David and has the last name of a gay has-been English rock star from the 80s. David Tennant meets David Morrissey. Other people considered for the role were David Boy George and David The Guy From Dead or Alive. |
| Planet of the Ed | The Doctor is terrorised on a London bus by the character of Ed, Edd and Eddy. |
| The End of Mimes (Parts 1 and 3) | The Ood reveal that the Master has become very annoyed by a group of mimes who made fun of him, and plans to destroy them all. But some thing else is returning, could it be the rath of... Dalek Fred???. THE END |
The Eleventh Doctor
Season Five
| The Eleventh Hour | Recovering from a violent case of |
| The Beast Below | Amy is scared by a monster under her bed. |
| 'Victory' of the Dialects | The Doctor and Amy discover Dialects hiding during the filming of Dads Army, but after a less than successful redesign by Apple, can they be taken seriously again? |
| The Time of Angels & Flesh and Stoned | The Doctor gets stoned again. |
| The Umpires of Ennis | The Doctor, Amy and her mortallity-challenged boyfriend, Rory (played by Seth Green) become lost in an obscure Irish town and must compete in a deadly Hurling tournament to win their freedom, but is the referee secretely a |
| Amy's Choice | With little time to spare, Amy must choose between Coke or Pepsi, while the Doctor is held hostage by a bitter 10th Doctor Fan aboard the TARDIS. Rory is also killed when hit by a Volkswagen Beetle. |
| The Hungry Earth & Cold Blood | The Welsh are being sucked into the ground one by one, is it something to do with Silurian cosplayers hatching a dastardly scheme involving geothermal energy, or is it retribution for Russel T Davies? Rory is killed offscreen when he is eaten by a sock puppet used in 'Terror of the Zygons'. |
| Vincent and the Doctor | The Doctor must join forces with long-deceased horror legend Vincent Price in order to stop the looming threat of the graveyard smash... Also includes a duel between giant poultry and a deranged Scotsman who believes that he's a Dutch painter from the 1870s. |
| The Lodger | In this weeks episode of Time Lord-Swap, the Doctor must switch places with rival, the Master(bator)-played in this episode by Harry Hill- and spend a weekend living with none other than....the Gaylord! Things become more complicated when they discover there are Zygon squatters in the attic. |
| The Pandorica Opens & The Big Bang | The Doctor's deadliest enemies have banded together to inprison him in...a chair inside a box. Will River Song accidently destroy the universe with her poor driving skills, and has Rory been ressurrected as a poseable Roman action figure?
For biggest finale ever (bigger than Steven Moffat's ego), the Doctor must face off against an angry special affect and a fossilised 1960's Dalek figure, create as many plotholes as possible and leave the audience feeling annoyed and confused-all in just 45 minutes! |
Season Six
| A Christmas Carol | The Doctor sacrifices the life of an impoverished female prisoner to make sure that a rich man has a happy Christmas. |
| The Impossible Ass | A pair of buttocks emerge from a lake and kill the Doctor?!? |
| Day of the Goon | Richard Nixon saves the day by edging on national television. |
| The Curse of the Backshot | Watch your back, because Pirate Amy is liable to take you from behind... |
| The Doctor's Pipe | Wait, remember the pipe that Hartnell smoked in the first story? What happened to it? |
| The Rebel Fleshlight | Sex toys come to life and demand their freedom. |
| The Almost Beatles | The rebel sex dolls, now subdued, find their calling as Beatles impersonators. |
| A Good Man Gets Bored | A universe of aliens teaming up to kill the Doctor? Ho-hum, he's dealt with that a million times before. |
| Let's Spill Glitter | The Tardis team has never made quite this big of a mess before... |
| Slight Terrors | A dull 'creepy dolls' plot? 2 out of 5, not scary at all. |
| The Girl Who 'Bated | Well, stuck for 36 years without Rory, what else could Amy do? |
| The Cod Complex | There's something fishy about this hotel... |
| Dozing Time | The Doctor educates parents on how to make their infants sleep. |
| The Bedding of River Song | The Doctor and River get it on for the first time. |
Season Seven
| The Doctor, the Dildo, and the Whorehouse | The Doctor gives a single woman a very pleasant Christmas indeed. |
| Ass of the Dialects | The Doctor must venture into the bowels of a world of forsaken Dialects. |
| Semaphore on a Spaceship | The Doctor and Rory's father discuss naval flag signalling in this thrilling installment. |
| A Town Called Jersey | An alien assassin is killing the residents of Jersey Shore! Oh well, too bad. |
| The Shower of Pee | Living together on Earth for a year, Rory and Amy introduce the Doctor to their tradition of golden showers. |
| The Angels Drink Manhattans | Well, they feel so stiff after a long day of work, so a few drinks help them loosen up a bit. |
| The Showmen | The Doctor meets Clara during an attack of circus performers. |
| The Balls of Saint John | Clara has trouble connecting to her Wi-Fi, so she goes for a walk instead. No monsters here. |
| The Bling of a Kitten | Clara helps a kitten put on its jewelry before a big performance. |
| Cold Whore | A Soviet submarine encounters a frozen prostitute underwater. |
| Tide | The Doctor finds laundry detergent trapped in another dimension. |
| Journey to the Center of the Larder | The Doctor must find the ancient, rotting leftovers buried deep in his refrigerator. |
| The Simpsons Horror | Why are people from Victorian times turning bright yellow? |
| Nightmare of Slivers | The Doctor visits an abandoned amusement park and finds nothing but crumbling wood. |
| The Shame of the Doctor | The Doctor is embarrassed when Clara jumps into his time stream. |
2013 Specials
| The Pay of the Doctor | The Doctor negotiates to increase his salary. |
| The Crime of the Doctor | The Doctor cannot... regenerate!!! Fortunately, he manages to... regenerate!!! |
The Twelfth Doctor
Season Eight
| Deep Throat | The Doctor makes a T-Rex gag on it. |
| Into the Dialect | The Doctor penetrates and slips inside a Dialect for the first time... it's a shame he's so small. |
| Hoe Thot of Hard Wood | Clara wants to see if the legendary Throbbin' Wood lives up to his name. |
| Pissin' | The Doctor investigates why all humans get up to pee during the night. |
| Thyme Heist | The Doctor conspires to steal herbs. |
| The Fare Taker | The Doctor goes undercover as a bus fare collector. |
| Thrill the Poon | Just 45 minutes of sex. No unintentional political subtext whatsoever. |
| Dummy on the Orient Express | The Doctor hunts a deadly mannequin on a train. |
| Fatline | The Tardis gets wider and wider until it can no longer fit in the universe. |
| In the Norris of the Night | Why have billions of Chuck Norris-es appeared all over the world? |
| Sharking Water | The Master is horny and makes the Doctor swim in water that makes his clothes invisible. |
| Death to Kevin | Cybermen kill Clara's boyfriend Kevin. |
Season Nine
| Ass Christmas | Santa Claus drops his drawers and makes it clap. |
| The Patrician's Dentist | Davros needs dental care and asks the Doctor for help. |
| The Plot is Familiar | Once again, the Doctor refuses to kill Davros. Hardly surprising at this point. |
| Under the Cake | Why is there a ghost under that ass? |
| Before the Wood | This ghost is getting me hard... |
| The Girl Who Fried | The Doctor teaches Ashildr, a Viking girl, how to fry food using electricity from electric eels. |
| The Woman Who Shipped | Ashildr has grown up to become a fanfiction writer who loves shipping. |
| The Nylon Temptation | Aliens tempt humans into developing a kink for nylon stockings. |
| The Nylon Perversion | Aliens take advantage of humanity's newfound lust for nylon stockings. |
| Pee No More | The Doctor fights a monster made of kidney stones. |
| Taste the Rainbow | A packet of Skittles kills Clara. |
| Heaven Scent | The Doctor spends billions of years sniffing a wall. |
| Smell Bent | Sniffing the wall inspires the Doctor to save Clara. |
| The Gangbang of River Song | On the night before she dies, River invites all 12 Doctors to an orgy. |
Season Ten
| The Puddle | Bill falls in love with a puddle. |
| Smiley | Emojis wipe out humanity. |
| Thicc Ass | The Doctor meets a sea monster with a juicy rear. |
| Cock Cock | University students come face to face with some hard wood. |
| Curls Lost to Time | Bill gets some extensive body modifications, including total hair removal. The Doctor is not a fan. |
| The Doctor Balls | The Doctor stops the Cybermen by defeating them in a game of basketball. However, a Cyberman dunks on him, causing him to... regenerate!!! |
| Twice Upon a Slime | The Doctor refuses to... regenerate!!! |
The Thirteenth Doctor
Season Eleven
| The Woman Who Fought a Smurf | The Doctor saves Yaz, Ryan, and Graham from a toothy blue Smurf named Scrimshaw. |
| The Toast Monument | The Doctor joins an interplanetary race to find a legendary disappearing toaster. |
| Boba | Ryan shares boba tea with Rosa Parks. |
| Arachnids in my PJs | A billionaire fights spiders in his pajamas. How they got in his pajamas, we'll never know. |
| The La Bamba Conundrum | Ritchie Valens is pregnant! |
| Damons of the Punjab | Matt Damon's family takes a trip to India. |
| Goddamn! | Good lord, the Doctor really sided with the evil corporation? After doing the opposite in the previous season? |
| The Witchgrinders | King James I hunts witches... then has sex with them. |
| The Fakes Are Okay | The Solitract's copies of dead loved ones are decent, but could use some work. |
| The Buttholes of Man-Whores Like The Rock | Scrimshaw the toothy Smurf returns, attempting to shove planets up the Rock's butthole. |
| Prostitution | Trapped on Earth for centures, a Dalek turns to sex work. |
Season Twelve
| Spy Balls, Part 1 | Yaz discovers that a tech CEO is only 93% human. Well, that's more human than Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk... |
| Spy Balls, Part 2 | The Doctor leaves the Master to get captured by the Nazis... yikes! |
| Organ 69 | The Doctor helps Benni and Vilma get it on during their honeymoon. |
| Nikola Tesla's Nut of Terror | Nikola Tesla busts an electric nut powerful enough to shoot down an alien space ship. |
| Lucrative and Opportune | The BBC introduces another non-numbered Doctor (like the Whore Doctor in 2013) to sell more Doctor merchandise. |
| Plastics | The Doctor travels around the world to encourage everyone to pollute the planet enough so that aliens won't want to take over. |
| Can You Fear Me? | This monster begs you to fear it, because the dull writing certainly doesn't produce that reaction. |
| The Vaunting of Shelley's Poetry | The Doctor praises Percy Shelley's poetry an inordinate amount. |
| Ass of the Cybermen | The Cybermen try out a new catchphrase: "Bite my shiny metal ass!" Well, we never said they were particularly original. |
| The Dimeless Children | The Doctor finds out that she was once an orphan with less than $0.10 USD to her name. |
Season Thirteen
| Sux | Yet again, a vengeful villain destroys the entire universe to kill the Doctor. Not to worry, the Doctor is used to it, but it does get a bit repetitive... |
| The Halloween Chewbacca Trip | Karvanista, a Chewbacca lookalike, travels across space to find |
| Bore of the Sontarans | Why do we have to watch a Sontaran story that has little to do with the main plot? |
| Dunce of All Time | These skull-faced villains are boneheads! |
| Village of Anal | The Angels are rock-hard and ready to enter the Doctor. |
2022 Specials
| Adam and Eve of the Dialects | A Dalek creates a time loop to make a couple fall in love, like in Groundhog Day. |
| Legend of the Pee Devils | Sea Devils swim up the Yellow River... |
| Shower of the Doctor | The Master disguises himself as Rasputin and takes a shower. This sight is enough to cause the Doctor to... regenerate!!! |
The Fourteenth Doctor
60th Anniversary Specials
| The Star Yeast | Donna returns to help defeat a Furby that is spreading yeast infections. |
| Wild Poo Yonder | The Tardis disappears right when the Doctor and Donna need to use the bathroom. |
| The Wiggles | The Celestial Soymaker (last seen in 1966) returns as part of an Australian children's band. |
The Fifteenth Doctor
Season Fourteen
| The Church of Gooey Loads | The Doctor meets some goblins and starts gobblin' on that cock. |
| Space Rabies | The Doctor and Ruby land on a space station filled with rabid dogs. |
| The Devil's Bored | This was supposed to be the Beatles episode, but they were barely in it? Yawn! |
| Coom | The Doctor steps in a puddle of old, sticky cum and can't move for the entire episode. |
| Seven Inches Hard | When the Doctor disappears, Ruby hunts for dick in rural Wales. |
| Thot and Stubble | The Doctor and Ruby teach a thot how to fully shave her pubic hair via Zoom,. |
| Loads | The Doctor welcomes a stranger into his bottomless hole. |
| The Question of UNIT's Funding | Where did UNIT get the budget for that high-tech time chamber? |
| Dumpster Fire of Sutekh | Ruby's mother defeats an ancient god by pointing at a sign. |
The Cusion Films
In 1963 and 1966, movie screen movie producer George Lucas made big screen versions of two major stories, The Dead Planet Sketch and The Dialects invasion of Earth. They were re-named Dr. Who and Now For Something Completly Exterminated and The Day the Earth was Exterminated.
To mirror William shatners' silence, they dicided to cast an inadiment object as The Doctor. Thousand of Abiotic objects tried out, but finally the team cast a Crappy Cusion, until his firing and a Better Cusion's casting enstead.
Dr. Who and Now For Something Completly Exterminated
In this film, (based off The Dead Planet Sketch) shows Dr. Who and his companions traveling to the planet Scaro to warn its inhabitants that the planet is dead, but the inhabitants, the Daleks, deny this, claiming it is only resting. It's basically the same as the episode except at the end the Dalek reveals that he "never wanted to be a galactic concorer" and starts singing the lumberjack song.
The Day the Earth was Exterminated
The Tardis arrives on the planet Earth in the year 2157 and a half, only to discover that it has been overtaken by the Dialects. They plan to use frige magnets to meet the Dialects demise. Its basically the episode, but without a real plot.
Who would you have sex with out of the list?
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Spin-offs
For some inexplicable reason, several attempts have been made to create a franchise of related series. Mercifully, most of these have failed utterly, but there have been a few notable exceptions.
Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway?
Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway? featured four contestants who were forced to improvise a convincing Doctor Who storyline, while being chased around by a Dalek.
The series was wildly popular among coma victims and household pets, but was suddenly cancelled in 1996, when the Dalek was accidentally released into the wrong studio and exterminated everyone on the set of Can't Cook, Won't Cook.
Immediately following its cancellation, the BBC wisely destroyed all existing copies of the series, even going so far as to hunt down and EX-TER-MI-NATE the entire cast and crew, just to be safe.
In 2002, a man claimed to have the every episode on video tape, and threatened to give them to the BBC unless he was paid £10,000. When the BBC was unable to raise the funds, public donations began to pour in, quickly exceeding the ransom demand by several thousand pounds. Before payment could be made, however, the identity of the man was discovered, and an angry mob dragged him from his home and poked him with pointy sticks, until he admitted that it had all been a hoax and that no such video tape actually existed.
Blackadder
The Spin-off follows the tales of Dr. Blackadder, who is the other surviving Timelord from the War of the Daleks, roaming around space and time with his companion, Sarah Jane (S.) Baldrick, in the TARVIS (Turnips And Relative Vegetables In Space) cunningly disguising themselves in period costume. His other Companions include King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton and Captain Jack Flasheart (Woof!). He often encounter's enimes, such as the rival time lord Mr. Bean, who had had himself hidden in his Teddy Bear to hide from the Daleks, The Scroundrel Formerly Known as Prince Ludwig, Tony Parsons, and The Americans.
Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed
One day, BBC felt like cashing in on the resurrected Star Wars fad that begun with Star Wars - The Clone Wars and ended with Star Wars - The Force Unleashed. They made a video game of Doctor Who and converted the whole game into a Doctor Who format.
Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed has got mostly crap reviews from IGN, Gamespot, and YouTube. However, GameFakes gave it 10/10, saying: "This is an awesome adaption of the Doctor Who Universe, merging the goodness of Star Wars with Doctor Who and giving a whole new look on the Doctor Who saga", most people believe GameFakes were on crack when they made this statement.
Bisexual Alien Murderers In Cardiff
Torchwood (which is an anagram of "Ow! Hot Cord!") is intended as a darker, post-watershed version of Doctor Who, only without The Doctor, the TARDIS, or pretty much anything else from the series.
The show follows the adventures of Lieutenant Jack "Captain Jack" Black, a 51st century grifter from 1941 (or possibly a 1941 grifter from the 51st century) and a super-secret group of eccentric bisexual experts as they cruise around some shit hole, looking sexy and flashing lots of cool-looking alien gadgets.
After the success of Torchwood, the series Doctor What is currently planning to release its own edgy, anagram-based spin-off called Tworchtoad. It is currently in production, at an undisclosed location which is definitely not Cardiff.
The Sarah Jane Chronicles
Following Torchwood, another spin-off was made titled The Sarah Jane Chronicles.
The show follows former companion Sarah Jane Smith as she protects her son, Luke Smith, from Dialects from the future coming to kill him. Apparently, Luke is the future hope for humanity in the Great War. The Dialects are led by T-1000 from the second Terminator film. Also starring is the giant screen computer, Mr. Babbage, previously known for his appearances in Family Fortunes. The first episode, The Lion, the Witch and the weird boy scycolojicly created by the bane, got the lowest rating's in the history of history, somehow receaving a -768 out of 5 stars.
Plans were also underway for another spin-off of the new Doctor Who series, The Nora the Mathematician Variety Hour. However, the show's creator withdrew his proposal after being thrown out of a window while attempting to pitch the series to BBC executives.
The Masters
The BBC has recently announced a new mini series starring Derek Jacobi and John Simm called The Masters was announced, which will be airing later on BBC1 later this week.
The Plot will follow the Masters attemptinh to defeat each other in golf. Past Masters Roger Delgado and Anthony Anely will do commentary. The winner will win a red cape.
Other competers include Eric Roberts, Geffory Bevers, Peter Pratt, Jonathan Pryce, and Gordon Tipple (though it is doughted he will last long.)
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Friendly Neighbourhood Cyberman
The series followes the tale of Tom Delonge from another univurse, who is a Cyberman, but he feels emotions. He is often nicknamed "The Cyberman with a Soul" or "The Emo Cyberman". His early life was very similar to that of the Tom DeLonge of our universe, with the key difference being that he wasn't quite as much of a twat. His tales are extremely exsagerated, having his leg noises reduced and his walking sped up. Despite the change, he still pretty much sucked as a super hero.
The show ran for 13 episodes. The last of which was a crossover with Torchwood, in which Tom had sex with Martha Jones, causing her to somehow become rapidly pregnant and give birth to a half-human, half-cyberman hybrid called Connor. Connor was then instantly taken by the space-time rift between Gwen's teeth and returned within seconds, but from his point of view, 8 years had passed and now he wants to kill his father for no reason.
The episode ended with Connor being cryogenically frozen, while Tom and Jack shared an upside down kiss. The kiss led to a wild night of rampant sex between the two, an encounter which cost Tom his life.
See also
- The Doctor
- Dr. Who?
- Dalek
- Master (Doctor Who)
- Doctor Who Episodes
- UnNews:JFK was Doctor Who!
- This Horrific piece of Shit/Skite/Dalek droppings
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