Dr Frank von Arschebaum

Hallo. Ich am Dr. Frank von Arschebaum, und Ich am heir to instrukt you hows to do many fine ~~Nazi Tortures~~ Experiments. Unlike most of ze other Scientists in die Welt, my Experiments are aimed to answer ze fundamental questions zat no other scientists dare ask.

So Viv no further ado or adon't, Ich will commence to ze labratory.

Ah ze Labratory, Ich need it badly...

Experiment #1[edit | edit source]

Ich will try to determine if ze butter-on-toast dropping experiment ist just a freak anomily of physics where most of ze toast landed on ze buttered side. Ich do not believe zat butter suffers from gravity more zan ze toast zat it ist on, so Ich need to use ze new medium of cats.

So Ich will take 20 cats of various breeds. Ich will butter their backs and drop them out of ze window, which is two floors up. If ze buttered toast experiment is good, ze cats will land on their backs.

Ze Cats[edit | edit source]

Zome of ze cats. Note how Ich hast selected long-haired varieties because it ist harder for ze cats to get ze butter out of their fur...

Ze cats need to be of several various kinds, so Ich will steal zem all from ze cats protection league. Ich ist too tight to buy zem myself and wait for zem to mature into adult cats.

Ich hast avoided ze Ginger Cats as Ich would be too tempted to Huff zem.

Ze Butter[edit | edit source]

Ze butter needs to be ze real butter, and not ze fake butter shit from Aldi. Therefore, Ich will procure it from Lidl.

Ze Experiment[edit | edit source]

So Ich took ze cats upstairs and my assistant, Igor, tried to butter up their backs. After moderate dermal damage, swearing, cursing, imprecations, and ze such like Igor finally managed to butter ze backs of all ze 20 cats and stick zem back into their cages with some blood loss.

Meanwhile Ich wrote up ze notes and laughed mercilessly at Igor's misfortune.

Ich made sure that ze day I did this experiment on was not too windy in order zat enviromental factors did not ruin ze results.

It was very difficult and dangerous to get ze cats out of their cages as they were most pissed off at being buttered up on their backs, so I left ze task to Igor. His blood loss went up to moderate.

One by one Igor dropped ze cats out of ze window and Ich recorded whether they landed upon their feet or their backs.

Ze Conclusions[edit | edit source]

Out of ze 20 cats Igor dropped out of ze window, only one landed on its back, but zen Igor did accidently knock out ze cat on ze window frame in ze process.

Therefore, Ich kann conclude zat ze buttered toast experiment done by other so-called scientists over at Oxford University was faulty, and zat butter does not have any special properties with regards to gravity.

Also, heavy blood loss leads to fainting and hospitalization, as Igor found out.

Concerning Igor, My Slave Lab Assistant[edit | edit source]

Igor's sister, Helga. She can polish meine teil any day...

Igor has been in my family for many years. My great great uncle, Dr Frankenstein, acquired him in ze Waldersrand of Transylvania and trained him for many years as a lab assistant.

Igor ist, as far as Ich kann tell, technically immortal, in as much as he cannot die from old age or desease, but he kann be killed. Fortunately, he kann also be brought back to life quite easily, so for all intents and purposes he ist immortal.

Igor's sister, Helga, serves me well as my maid and source of constant sexual frustration. Her Romanian accent, dark hair, latex French Maid's uniform and delicious figure drives meine teil to distractions of the most embarrassing kinds. Also, sie ist meine sklavin....

Experiment #2 - Give LSD to <insert name here>[edit | edit source]

Zis ist where Ich give eine Uncyclopedian LSD, namely <insert name here>. Through zis experiment on <insert name here>, Ich hope to obtain information pertinent to ze nature of Transendental Multiversalism and prove once and for all ze existence of Parallel Universes.

So Ich slipped a mickey to <insert name here> and waited for ze fireworks to start. Ich also plied <insert name here> with plenty of fluids as Ich know how much Ich need to drink when Ich ist on the stuff. Within 45 minutes <insert name here> was off their trolley, as ze Englanders like to say.

<insert name here> soon showed signs of being off their trolley, and began saying the most unusual things about how <insert name here> would love to felate Howard the Duck. Ich knew that <insert name here> was most definately off their face coz every good biologist know zat ducks do not have a penis but what is called a Genital Eminence, which is hardly sufficient for felatio to take place. Never-ze-less, zis did not distract <insert name here> from insisting zat felating Howard the Duck was a good and erotic idea. Whatever floats your boat, Ich say.

Conclusions[edit | edit source]

A selection of paper LSD Tabs that I sometimes use on my ~~victims~~ willing subjects...

As <insert name here> never once got off ze subject of fellatio with various avians, I never got to explore ze concept of Parallel Universes with them.
It ist never a good idea to give <insert name here> acid. <insert name here> ist really fucking weird on acid.
It was a waste of £5 on <insert name here>, as well as a waste of good acid zat would have been better served if Ich consumed it.