Patrick Moore
“Good Evening.”
“Marvelous.”
“We just don't know.”
“Superb.”
“Truly, truly spectacular.”
“Stupendous.”
“Xylophone instruction manual.”
“He plays the xylophone.”
The largest gas giant in the Solar System, Duke Marquess Earl Viscount Baron Sir Patrick Moore MBE OBE CBE KBE GBE GBH and BSE was probably one of the world's best known astronomers, although the BBC have refused to acknowledge he existed. He was the host of the world's longest running television show "Patrick Moore's Celebrity Reality Star Talk" aka "The Sky at Night"; until he exploded in 2012. Running monthly since 1907, Patrick had only ever missed hosting one episode, due to unavoidably been called to do battle with the Highlander. As legend has it, there was only one, and that one was Sir Patrick Moore.
The Prophecy[edit | edit source]
Some theologians debate whether Patrick Moore was in fact the "Great Old White One Eyed Moon God" of Kemetic legend as described in the TehVey Guy'd scrolls found in the Dead Sea which states that
“And lo he shall give thee the Sky of Night and reveal the mysteries of the heavens at the time of 12:15am on the moons day in the great river of Be Be Cee”
The scrolls go on to say that the Great Old One will show us the day that world may end, on a regular monthly television show. Patricks exact birth date is unknown by archaeologists, but has been determined at around 2000BC. If you look up at the night sky on Augcember the 32nd you will see Patricks face; with a monocle on the planet Saturn. This phenomenon is extremely rare though, only the late rockstar Brian May has witnessed to see it.
The Man Behind The Sky at Night[edit | edit source]
Patrick Moore began his career in broadcasting shortly after buying his first television reception apparatus. Disgusted at the poor variety of programming available he set out to make amends, demanding that the BBC give him it's most prestigious time slot - 7PM. The BBC agreed, but cruely have been bumping his show late by 1 minute on every single episode, meaning that it is currently broadcast either on BBC1 at 2AM, or on BBC4, whichever is most awkward for the viewer.
“You wouldn't have had that in the golden days. There was one day when BBC News went on strike. Then we had the headlines read by a man, talking the Queen's English, reading the news impeccably. Oh, for the good old days. ”
Patrick blamed women bureaucrats at the BBC who are more concerned with silly soap operas, shows about gardening, painting your house and cookery than marvelling at the magesty of the universe. Researchers from the future have determined that Sir Patrick was absolutely correct, but are too afraid to say it..
On the 39th December 2012, Patrick was presenting "The Sky At Night", when he unfortunately exploded live on air. Leaving Brian Cox, and Stephen Hawking covered in blood and guts. Unfortunately, The Sky At Night had to be terminated for 6 months; while the BBC producers cleared up Patricks' remains'. The Sky At Night is now hosted by the "phantom" Patrick, which is unable to eat, move, see or use a telescope, or even talk; but the show keeps running. There is no footage of Patrick exploding but the audio clip still exists, it sounds like this:-"I think that supernovas are, BANG. SPLATTER. Oh dear."
Xylophones[edit | edit source]
Sir Patrick owned all the Xylophones in England, all 25. Anyone wishing to play a melody on a xylophone is required to summon Sir Patrick for permission, although Sir Patrick did not believe in enforcing this law. Patrick once suggested that there should be an open standard on the use of Xylophones, but then realised this was communism and has not spoken of it since.
Concerns for the Future[edit | edit source]
“Great Scott”
Sir Patrick had been concerned about the future since he invented the flux capacitor after stumbling and knocking his head against the sink in his observatory. When he came to be realised he must build a time machine. When asked why he'd decided to build a time machine into a telescope he replied, "The way I see it, if you're going to build a time machine into a scientific instrument, you cannot surpass the optical quality of the Meade RCX400."
The Sky at Night Fan Club[edit | edit source]
To join The Sky at Night Fan Club, please send a stamped addressed envelope to
The Sky At Night,
BBC Birmingham,
The Mailbox,
Birmingham, B1 1RF
False Rumours[edit | edit source]
- Patrick Moore was not made of metal
- Patrick Moore did not endorse Apricot computers
- Patrick Moore did not determine Day and Night (anymore)
- Patrick Moore has never faced Chuck Norris on Gamesmaster (but if he had, Patrick would win)
- Patrick Moore's accent was not so posh that the Queen is known to be in debt
True Rumours[edit | edit source]
- Patrick Moore was indeed a national hero, until he exploded.
- Patrick Moore did play the Xylophone
- Patrick Moore does answer his telephone with the phrase "Hello, degenerate dwarf speaking?" If you would like to phone him, his number is 6 (he got one of the first ever phones).
- Patrick Moore was to be convicted for relations with a minor who worked under him, Kerry L. Elcock (NE Scotland), but charges were soon dropped against him due to slender evidence.