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A painter who got too drunk was able to get to heaven, come back and paint this.

Heaven is a magical realm where you spend eternity bobbing your head up and down praising God for the kindness of granting you your puny existence. It is the opposite of Hell, where you are tortured for eternity, but at least don't spend forever and ever thanking God. Heaven is described differently by most people, but the modern interpretation is a fuzzy happy cloudy realm where it is a sort of 50's family friendly sitcom without the conflict, and you live in eternal bliss, even knowing that many of your loved ones are being cooked down below on a large BBQ.

How to get into Heaven[edit | edit source]

Main article: HowTo:Get into Heaven

You definitely have to swallow the undeniable fact that God impregnated a virgin, was born as himself in an Earthly existence, wandered around like a hippy for a while, and then got mangled on a cross, all to take away the natural sin we imposed on ourselves because apples or some shit. You'd be a fool not to believe that pile of common sense. You're now half way there. Just pick the right version of that all from a long list of Christian sects, and then you're fairly likely to get in. You can write down Catholicism, Baptist, Pentecostal, etc., on 42 separate pieces of paper, put them all in a bowl, fish one out, and then agree with their version of the Trinity, transubstantiation, etc. etc., and cross your fingers you fished out the right one. The consequences of not picking the right one will be a little toasty. You also have to, according to some people[who?], have been a reasonably good person, perhaps done some ritual before you die, have been dunked in water when young and some say be a cannibal (have eaten Jesus's flesh and drank his blood every Tuesday). Either way, hope you've done it all right and get through the pearly gates.

Eternity[edit | edit source]

If you think one thousand years of kneeling before God and thanking him, singing his praises and bobbing up and down is fun...how about a million years? Not enough... keep doing it for a quadrillion years. Don't worry, your knees probably won't get arthritic and you won't get neck cramps (at least we hope not).