Heaven

A painter who got too drunk was able to get to heaven, come back and paint this.

“Heaven doesn’t exist! It’s all a lie made up by those dirty Christians!”

~ Captain Atheist on Heaven

Heaven is a spiritual, cosmological place that many religions share as the place where kind-hearted souls go after dying. Thanks to the overwhelming presence of Christians, most people think in a cloudy resort full of angel choirs praising the Abrahamic God when they think about heaven; however, this is but one example of the many types of heavens that religions have had over time. Most of these heavens, however, do share a similar concept: you and the people that has the same beliefs as you are throned and venerated, while those that dared to say you might have not always been in the right are rejected and thrown into the pit of hellfire.

What different faiths believe about Heaven

What the ancient Egyptians believed

The Egyptians believed that to get to Heaven, you had to survive a deadly obstacle course. Then your heart was taken out of your chest (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom-style) and put on a scale. If you were a sinner, your heart was devoured by a part-lion, part-crocodile, part-hippo animal, and you were blotted out of existence. If you were a good person, you went to a paradise filled with everything you wanted.

Heaven, according to the Egyptians. Wait, why are the jackal-headed guys and the bird-headed guys wearing skirts?

What the ancient Greeks believed

The Greeks believed that Heaven was a gigantic underground field of grass. Well, you've got to admit that they had an imagination.

Heaven, according to the Greeks. Wait, how did the sun shine if it was underground?

What the Vikings believed

The Vikings actually believed in a Heaven called Valhalla, but then replaced Valhalla with the Christian Heaven. Valhalla was where warriors went to be trained to survive Doomsday. Then the Christians came and made the Vikings change Valhalla to their Heaven.

Heaven, according to the Vikings. Huh. Very different from the Thor movies.

What the Aztecs believed

According to the Aztecs, Heaven was a video game with thirteen levels that were completed in the head of a giant crocodile.

Heaven, according to the Aztecs

What Christians believe

In Christianity, heaven is a magical realm where you spend eternity bobbing your head up and down praising God for the kindness of granting you your puny existence. It is the opposite of Hell, where you are tortured for eternity, but at least don't spend forever and ever thanking God. Heaven is described differently by most people, but the modern interpretation is a fuzzy happy cloudy realm where it is a sort of 50's family friendly sitcom without the conflict, and you live in eternal bliss, even knowing that many of your loved ones are being cooked down below on a large BBQ.

You definitely have to swallow the undeniable fact that God impregnated a virgin, was born as himself in an Earthly existence, wandered around like a hippy for a while, and then got mangled on a cross, all to take away the natural sin we imposed on ourselves because apples or some shit. You'd be a fool not to believe that pile of common sense. You're now halfway there. Just pick the right version of that all from a long list of Christian sects, and then you're fairly likely to get in. You can write down Catholic, Baptist, Pentecostal, etc., on separate pieces of paper, put them all in a bowl, fish one out, and then agree with their version of the Trinity, transubstantiation, ad nauseam, and cross your fingers. The consequences of not picking the right one will be a little toasty. You also have to, according to some people^[who?], have been a reasonably good person, perhaps done some ritual before you die, have been dunked in water when young and some say be a cannibal (have eaten Jesus's flesh and drunk his blood every Tuesday). Either way, hope you've done it all right and get through the pearly gates.

If you think one thousand years of kneeling before God and thanking Him, singing His praises and bobbing up and down is fun ... how about a million years? Not enough ... keep doing it for a quadrillion years. Don't worry, your knees probably won't get arthritic and you won't get neck cramps (at least we hope not).

According to Dante, there are circles around the planet, and at the top of those circles is Heaven.

Heaven, according to Dante

What Wikipedians believe

Look at the following formula: W=U-U→W=0 & W=E/B W=H. W=$\infty$B/E. In simpler words, Wikipedia is Hell, so Wikipedians can't go to Heaven.

Hell

What atheists believe

They don't.

Atheist heaven

See also

• Hell
• Purgatory
• HowTo:Get into Heaven