Protected page


From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Uncyclopedia Portals: Art · Business · Culinary · Games · History · Music · People · Politics · Religion · Science · Society · Technology · All...
Comedy · Film · Gay · Literature · Pregnancy · Television · Theatre · Video Games (Mario) · Zoology

The Television Portal

Indian Head test pattern.JPG

Television is the end product of a signal produced by a stream of electrons impacting on the phosphors of a cathode ray tube. This relatively simple device also happens to be the worst thing to have ever happened to the human race's intelligence. Well, until the Internet that is.

Television also makes you think the images are moving. Television sets contain high levels of drugs which wirelessly and invisibly enter your body orally. The "picture" on a television screen is actually simply black with nothing. This has been considered by scientists as to why many children and teenagers are addicted to watching television; there are many bright colours in children's programmes, and bright colours can cause double levels of the "teledrug" (the top secret mixture of drugs in a TV set) to feed into the children's brains, so as they are mesmerised by the drugs, more feeds into their tiny little brains. This is said to be why the number of children with autism is increasing. (Full article...)


Highlighted Article

Obviously, this is not some kind of fucking joke.

It's been a long day at the office for you. Driving home, all you can think about is walking through the door, grabbing a bag of Jalapeño Cheddar flavored Cheetos, plopping down onto your recliner, and watching reruns of The Cosby Show and Three's Company until you've passed out. Well, at least you wish that was all you could think about, but somehow you can't manage to get that image out of your head of that very large woman at your office having her clothes ripped off by that copy machine. Remembering this only makes the prospect of passing out in your chair that much more comforting, while also giving you a significant case of the chills.

You arrive in your driveway and close the car door, locking it tightly as you do every day, with the purpose of letting some of the more embarrassing things you keep in there stay secret. As you walk up the driveway, you quickly check your face for any signs of smeared lipstick...…

Archive Article credit: RAHB (more…)


Highlighted News


ATLANTA, Georgia -- As we know from Christian televangelists, the wrath of God is normally visited upon communities and businesses for their moral degeneracy, or their tolerance thereof. One need only to look at the hurricanes and tsunamis that have recently ravaged the promiscuous and permissive modern-day Sodoms of New Orleans and Thailand, among other places. But God is also wrathful at those who tarnish his message of love and faith with shitty TV shows and movies.

As a case in point, within the past four months God has tried twice to burn down the studios of outspoken Christian film and TV producer Tyler Perry...…

Archive Article credit: GlobalTourniquet (more...)

Did You Know...

 Neil Patrick Harris hates watching television, unless it's Grey's Anatomy or House MD?
 every time you turn on your television, your high school P.E. teacher cries?
 David Attenborough and Steve Irwin used to be very close friends?
 Tony Danza is actually the boss, but it depends on which witch from Charmed is your favorite?
 if you watch The Facts of Life backwards episode by episode, it unlocks the secrets of the universe?
 Bob Saget auditioned for the role of MacGuyver?
 William Shatner and Henry Winkler often share girlfriends?
 if your mom hadn't let you watch so much television, you'd find Wikipedia more entertaining than Uncyclopedia?
 Wade Wells isn't really a pixie, it's just her haircut?
 this portal needs more did you knows?

Selected picture


Highlighted Biography

John Tesh in his early years.

John Frank "E.T." Tesh (born July 9, 1952) has explored and conquered many facets of the entertainment and broadcasting industries. In a surprisingly successful career that now spans more than 25 years, Tesh has become known as a respected leader in Television, Radio, Film, Music, and Space Exploration, rivalled only in popularity by Howard Stern. People worldwide have enjoyed John Tesh; both his music, and his witty quips on “The John Tesh Radio Show,” but what most people don't know is that John Tesh is in fact an alien. That's right. The "E.T." in his name stands for Extra Terrestrial, and has nothing to do with his ten year stint as host of Entertainment Tonight

Archive Article credit: Zana Dark (more…)


Things You Can Do

Shut up and watch TV, kids!!

Things You Should Know

Inventors and pioneers:   Alan Archibald Campbell-Swinton  Alan Blumlein  Allen B. DuMont  Boris Grabovsky  Boris Rosing  Charles Francis Jenkins  Constantin Perskyi  David Sarnoff  John Logie Baird  Kálmán Tihanyi  Paul Gottlieb Nipkow  Philo Taylor Farnsworth  Vladimir Zworykin

What's On?

Indian Head test pattern.JPG
HowTo:Find the Remote Control  HowTo:Turn Your Television On  My damn TV won't work  Why?:Is there a hashtag on my TV screen  Why?:Won't this stupid TV work?!?  Indian Head Test Pattern: The Complete First Season  Mystery Science Theater 3000

The A-Team  American Dad  Armenia's Next Top Model  Baldrick  Blackadder  Das Love Boot  Detective Bukkake of the 187th Precinct  Dexter  Ed, Edd n Eddy  Father Knows Best  Frasier  Full House  H.R. Pufnstuf  House M.D.  I Dream of Jeannie  I Love Lucy  Jihad My Ride  Law and Order  Leave it to Beaver  Lost  Mad TV  My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic  My Name Is Earl  Opeth  Oscar the Grouch  Paradise Lost  Pimp My Ride  Pinky and the Brain  Prison Break  Robot Chicken  Saturday Night Live  Scooby Doo  Sex and the City  South Park  Star Trek  The Adventures of Stan Lee's Toupee  The Biggest Loser  The Daily Show  The French Prince of Bel Air  The Larry Sanders Show  The Office (US Version)  The Simpsons  The Sopranos  The West Wing  The X-Files  Torchwood  Touched by an Uncle  Wilde On

BBC  BET  Bureaucracy Channel  Cartoon Network  CBC  CNN  CW  DuMont Network  Fox (News)  HBO  History Channel  Hitler Channel  ITV  MTV  Nickelodeon 


Other portals

Portals complement main topics in Uncyclopedia that nobody cares about, and expand upon topics that nobody cares even less about.