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Writer of the Month Award Writer of the Month September 2012 Writer of the Month Award Writer of the Month July 2009 Foolitzer Prize Award Foolitzer Prize Winner February 2010

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The artist formerly known as User:ThomasPynchonsLeftNut Globaltourniquet.png

Articles (in reverse chronological creation order)[edit]

Oliver Sacks
Barclays Premier League
Eugene Ionesco

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This user created Lingerie, an article originally requested on Uncyclopedia:Requested articles. Good for them us!
(If awarding yourself please update the award statistics)

An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters

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This user created An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters, an article originally requested on Uncyclopedia:Requested articles. Good for them us!
(If awarding yourself please update the award statistics)

Mountain Dew
Ben Affleck
Citizens United
Astrology rewrite
White-haired Asian Scientist
Game theory
Darrell Bluett
New York Yankees
An older version of the Chicago Bears article as I left it. I like mine better, but who cares?
Scott Norwood
The Reflex
Rock and roll full rewrite for CW
The Shins full rewrite for CW
Rod Serling full rewrite for CW
Nuclear Holocaust full rewrite for CW
Baltimore Orioles
Charlie Kaufman
Wise Latina
Tampa Bay Rays rewrite for Der Unwehr
Terry Gilliam rewrite for Der Unwehr
Jim Jarmusch
UnPaid Programming:The Z-list Celebrity Rehabilitation Fund
Feral Child
Anaheim Ducks
Plink Poo Lit Surprise: Best Article
Alfred Hitchcock
Inland Empire
De Gustibus Non Est Disputandum
Los Angeles Angels
Running of the Bulls
Fiona Apple
Coen Brothers
Leonard Cohen
Episcopal Church
Super Bowl
Canadian Football League
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Los Angeles Clippers
The way better, completely brilliant previous version of The Mars Volta
I swear I'm going to promote a Mars-Volta-Article-Off with Guildenfuckhead and prove him wrong

The UnClassic Film Review[edit]

A new feature which, like my bowel movements, I hope to make regular.


Part of the Michael Jackson colonization effort, Mar 2009[edit]
UnNews:Impassioned Fans Fight To Save Beloved Neverland Ranch
Part of the Al Gore colonization effort, Feb 2009[edit]
UnNews:I Was Abducted By Al Gore
UnNews:I Am Not An Al Gore Denier - Richard "Dick" Lindzen
In other UnNews[edit]

UnNews:Harris gets her period, can't VP-elect
UnNews:Facts destroy satire
UnNews:Democracy finally coming to the USA?
UnNews:Local retard not offended by UnNews calling Ann Coulter 'retarded'
UnNews:Politically opposed office straw men burn each other down
UnNews:Satire news outlets struggling to find innovative ways to make fun of Donald Trump
UnNews:Statement: Private sector was 'not completely honest' with Obama last June about its condition
UnNews:Paul Ryan demonstrates the futility of the dependency culture by invading Ohio soup kitchen and washing clean pots
UnNews:Roadkill Challenge: Kentucky-Chinese cuisine gets the Food Network competition treatment
UnNews:Ross Perot amassing an army in preparation for U.S. invasion
UnNews:1.5 billion people will be watching something
UnNews:Old Timer fondly remembers more complicated times
UnNews:Mitt Romney struggling to find more elegant ways to say he is a pandering, mendacious ass
UnNews:Some silly ice game locks out its players; thinks anyone cares
UnNews:NBC only network to pay proper respect to boobs
UnNews:Massachusetts court rules in favor of incarcerated furries
UnNews:Obama wins close delegate race at DNC 3,166-23
UnNews:Galactic News HQ announcement: Thousand years of 'Obama Darkness' finally over
UnNews:Conservatives hoping that USA can become the world's first ID-ocracy
UnNews:Lance Armstrong cancer titles annulled
UnNews:Wrath of God visited upon terrible film and TV production studio
UnNews:God hates the fuck out of motherfucking shit
UnNews:Planned Parenthood to Conduct Legitimate Rape Classes
UnNews:Team USA's Solo levels shocking taunting allegations at sixth grade classmate
UnNews:Olympics over; men's field hockey players return to their shame-holes
UnNews:Arab nations reform without occupation; US doubtful
UnNews:New immigration law cause of concern for white Arizonans
UnNews:Soccer-playing abortion doctor goes for the death-threat trifecta
UnNews:State of Mississippi finds out gays want to vote, cancels elections
UnNews:New publicity concept for gay Libertarian politicians - steal sports team logos
UnNews:Oscar night confirms rumor: Farrah Fawcett faked her death
UnNews:The New Jersey Nets May Get Fans To Come The Games Yet
UnNews:Bearded Web Guru Has Amazing Knowledge About What Obama Wants
UnNews:Canadian Women's Hockey Team Goalie Finds Innovative Ways To Pass The Time During Games
UnNews:Obligatory media sensation erupts as another tiny, snowless and/or politically troubled equatorial nation sends lone athlete to winter games
UnNews:U.S. Skier Lindsey Vonn Graces Cover Of uhhh ehhh iii mmmmmm... oh, god...
UnNews:Daft Australian judge rules against artists who have used the note C-sharp in copyright infringement case
UnNews:9-year-old boy terrorizes elementary school with two-inch rifle
UnNews:Atheist Jacksonville Jaguars' lineman rejects the divinity of Tim
UnNews:NFL Claims Ownership of Every Word That Comes Out of Your Mouth
UnNews:Punxsutawney Phil Unable to Perform; Back-up Punxsutawney Pete Epic Fails
UnNews:SC Lieutenant Governor Bauer Taking On The Strays in Real Time
UnNews:Billy Stevens' painting ripped by fellow Kindergartener
UnNews:New Nikon Face Recognition Software Facilitates Photography of Colored Folks
UnNews:FBI Explores New Weapon Against Mob: Facebook's Mafia Wars
UnNews:Russian Space Chief Announces Operation Ass Monkey
UnNews:Aussie researcher "Gobsmacked" to discover wild octopus plotting humanity's demise
UnNews:Ohio's New "Hamlet's Law" Intended to Prevent Death-Row Conversions
UnNews:Heater Kicks in at Tiger Woods' Home Due to Comfortable Thermostat Setting
UnNews:Aliens Shut Down British UFO Sighting Reporting Unit
UnNews:Apparition Beginning To Feel Unwelcome
UnNews:Native Americans Announce They Will Discontinue Purchasing Naughty White Children
UnNews:Obama delivers state of the underworld address; Shneersh and Nairf stand at his side
UnNews:Mayan Man Will Carry On Calendar Work To Dispel 2012 Nonsense
UnNews:Measured Healthcare Reform Plan Claims Will Raise US Above Costa Rica In Rankings
UnNews:Obama Unveils Ambitious Tit Access Package
UnNews:Quentin Tarantino Wins First French Open
UnNews:Moderate Point-Moderate Counterpoint: What do we think of the stimulus package?
UnNews:Making Money In A Down Economy: Experts Offer Advice
UnNews:Controversy: Women In Prison Ordered To Take Shorter, Solo Showers
UnNews:Pridelands to be re-integrated by court order
UnNews:Feline Advocacy Group Launches Cat Grammar Initiative


HowTo:Scar your children for life
HowTo:Write Serj Tankian Lyrics
HowTo:Write Good
HowTo:Get Away With Murder


UnScripts:Waiting For Godot 2: Waiting With A Vengeance - Top 10 2009, yay! (Top 13 or so, really, but who's counting?)






11/23/20: Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22) - There will be bullshit this week. There will be poppycock. There will also be balderdash. Unfortunately, you will only have time to deal with one of these three. Choose wisely.

11/16/20: Pisces (Feb. 20 - March 20) - Your life is an 80s mega-hit this week, but that doesn't justify your animal experimentation. Stop shocking those poor monkeys.

11/9/20: Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23) - The Soviets retain possession of your soul, and they don't even really exist anymore. You should not have signed that agreement with Andropov. Not that you could have fought the rise of Gorbachov by any means, but... Oh wait. You're 27? So you have no fucking clue what I'm talking about. Hm. Go to a history lecture. Or a seance.

11/2/20: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - If you are a Virgo on the space station this week, your lack of gravity will be your path to enlightenment - listen to the voice of your chi, be attentive to the whispers from the angels that guard your conscience. If you are any other Virgo, you're just fucked, I guess.

10/26/20: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 23) - Women everywhere want your attention, but your life-long inability to respect women as fully self-empowered autonomous agents of their own soul and destiny will prevent you from being able to turn any of them off.

10/19/20: Aries (March 21 - April 20) - Knowledge and experience go hand-in-hand this week, merrily skipping away from you in mutual disdain.

10/12/20: Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) - Gender-neutral terms might prove challenging this week. Dude.

06/03/13: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - The Buddha wanted me to tell you he'll meet you on the road this week all right, and you're welcome to go ahead and try it.

05/27/13: Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - There is a bustle in your hedgerow this week, but I remember last spring the may queen vowed never to clean this shit up after you ever again. So I guess... be alarmed.

10/1/12: Aries (March 20 - April 19) - Be suspicious of a Taurus with one arm named Carl this week. It doesn't matter what his other arm's name is.

9/17/12: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You will be blessed with the ability to communicate with nature this week. Next week you'll be able to afford your prescription, so this little blessing will be over.

9/10/12: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - At the office this week you will find yourself heading projects, shouldering blame, facing criticism, mouthing obscenities and tonguing bosses.

9/3/12: Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You will finally stop being the butt of all the office jokes this week. You will start being the ballsack of them.

8/27/12: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Cleanliness is next to Godliness, yes, but please - for the love of God and all that's decent, don't try to perfect priority one before moving on to priority two.

8/20/12: Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Your experiment this week to try to live your everyday life without ever making use of anything invented by a Canadian will be a rousing success.

8/13/12: Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Chance and divine providence combine for a miraculous event in your life this week, sort of the same way money and horoscopes combine for getting the rent paid.

8/6/12: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - This week you will finally realize that your beloved Tea Party was being duped all along by a pair of sneering rich brothers out to destroy the country for their own personal gain, and then pigs will fly out of my ass.

4/26/10: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, the demon on your left shoulder will finally give up, leaving only the the angel on your right shoulder and his dreadful "Don't go back to the bar" bullshit.

3/29/10: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - You will gain unprecedented insight into your own character this week when a Facebook quiz called "Which Orange Julius flavor are you?" reveals that you are "Orange".

3/15/10: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Actually, you should describe your recurring dream as "turning into a cylinder-shaped frozen hash-brown treat", because it turns out "Tater Tot" is a registered trademark of the Ore-Ida corporation.

3/8/10: Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - It may sound like complete nonsense to you now, but chopper gleebnut pongo spap.

3/1/10: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You will be granted one superpower of your choosing this week. I don't want to unduly influence your choice, but trust me when I say Super-shame is not as cool as it sounds.

2/22/10: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - I urge you to make better decisions this week. I also urge you to blow me, but that's a separate issue.

2/15/10: Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - This week, love for you is a many-splendored shitstorm.

2/8/10: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, you will lugubriously turn to the baseball off-season for comfort, as though you give a shit who the Marlins' fifth starter is going to be. Ohhhh, football, come back soon!

2/1/10: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - This week, you discover one half-second too late that the entire Republican party platform turns out to be a cook book.

1/25/10: Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Perhaps I do over-floccinaucinihilipilificate, but regarding you, it's appropriate.

1/18/10: Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - It's one thing to call yourself your city's arch enemy. But with you it just sounds pitiful because you live in St. Louis.

1/11/10: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Your "shoot the messenger" mentality will get you into trouble this week, but I don't dare tell you how.

1/04/10: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your word for the week is tranquility. Which means your medication for the week is tranquilizers.

12/28/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This week, brush up on your syllepses and against a hot stranger.

12/21/09: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - You were born to a life of hatred and peaches. This week the peaches run out.

12/14/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - This week, the good news is, you will find yourself locked into a death-spiral from which you be unable to extricate yourself. The bad news is, that isn't as fun as it sounds.

12/07/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - You've got a lot of nerve, bragging about your myriad peripheral axons.

11/30/09: Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - How can you call yourself a Cataphract? You couldn't wield a kontos if Gallienus himself handed it to you personally along with your Lorica squamata.

11/23/09: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Your incessant obscure high-brow references are like a Peter Greenaway film about John Kennedy Toole that never mentions the garden hose.

11/16/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Your spiritual patience with the people stabbing you repeatedly in the asshole is an extraordinary example of abject humility and self-denial. You're still, however, not as pitiful as Emo pioneer Morrissey.

11/09/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You are not impressing chicks with your "I let the dogs out" T-shirt. You're impressing them with your rugged good looks and large bank account.

11/02/09: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - Don't forget to join the mafia this week.

10/26/09: Aries (March 21 - April 19) - Jupiter is in your house this week, and you know what that means: that's right - another busted recliner.

10/19/09: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - You thought Fish-slap Freddy's methods were excessive, just wait until they tell Potato-to-the-balls Pete what you did.

10/12/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - Your soul is empty and your spirit is withered. On the plus side, your dick is hard.

10/05/09: Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - Lest you forget about all the shit you've been responsible for over the years, you will be whisked away this night by the ghost of bowel movements past.

9/28/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - This is not a good week to finish anything you

9/21/09: Gemini (May 20 - June 21) - Those two hard kicks in the nuts by the demon-possessed nun on Sunday was just the beginning of a whole week filled with equally delicious delights.

9/14/09: Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - If she could, Serena Williams would shove a tennis ball down your fucking throat this week. You should feel lucky she doesn't. But don't feel threatened - she never used the word "kill".

8/3/09: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - It's time to finally admit it to yourself. I know you've made a lot of progress, filling your iPod with the likes of Jeff Buckley, Sigur Ros and The Shins, but you need to take it to the next level now and finally admit that Rush sucks, and always has.

7/13/09: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Glowing balls of energy orbit your spirit in the supernatural realm. This sounds nice and uplifting and motivating and all, but it actually only makes it easy for the ghosts of old dead enemies to find you and haunt you.

6/29/09: Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21) - Your life is an open book. In a bonfire. Surrounded by jeering Christians who believe they are doing the Lord's work.

6/15/09: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - When you can snatch the pebble from my hand, you will be ready. You should probably untie that rope from your balls first, though.

6/8/09: Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Speedometer Christ has your machine blowing horse bundles into the president's crotch. Also, don't forget to turn on your surrealism interpretation machine.

4/6/09: Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) - You will be livid when they take away your television. You will be outraged when they take away your radio. You will be incensed when they take away your computer. Then, to top it all off, you will be... uh... really angry when they take away your thesaurus.

3/30/09: Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - The good news is, two girls will be coming over this weekend for some fun. The bad news is they're bringing one cup.

3/23/09: Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) - Savor with simple glee all of the good things life has to offer this week - the golden rays of sunshine, the delightful tunes of the morning bird's songs, and the melodious crash and tinkle sounds of the windshield against your nasal bone.

3/9/09: Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) - With Saturn approaching your house this week, use Wikipedia sparingly. You know what? Use it sparingly anyway, regardless of wherever the fuck Saturn happens to be. It's a garbage dump as information sources go.

3/2/09: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) - Try to balance your need for attention with a clear concept of "acceptably bad" this week. There is a fine line between "fun" and "disgusting" public vomiting.

2/16/09: Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) - Be sure to bring your camera when you go on that excursion to the Cascades. Your "true love waits" stance will get challenged this week when you encounter the elusive Sasquatch.

Don't look here[edit]

This is just for my convenience - stuff I'm working on, or not.

User:GlobalTourniquet/Eugene Ionesco

AAN.jpg This user has been abandoned by Electrified mocha chinchilla, and is now a Feral Child being raised by wolves.
IC This user is a member of Imperial Colonization.