UnNews:Local retard not offended by UnNews calling Ann Coulter 'retarded'

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31 October 2012

The word police on duty: "Ma'am, did you just call that guy who cut you off an idiot"?

WASHINGTON, DC -- In an open letter to UnNews, DC-area self-appointed retard spokesperson John Franklin Stephens has stated that he and his fellow retards would not be the slightest bit offended if UnNews took to calling shockmonging right-wing blowhard Ann Coulter an unmitigated retard. "Or you can just say retard," he said. "I don't know what unmig..ig..ated means."

Explaining that, unlike those with Down Syndrome like himself, Coulter actually is retarded, he described uses of the much-maligned so-called "r"-word that are acceptable to the retard community, for which he so eloquently and facebook-viral-sharingly speaks. "First off, only a retard can call another retard 'retard',[1]" Stephens said, using retarded vocal inflections that I am choosing not to transliterate.[2] "Anyone else using it to refer to another retard is just retarded. Everyone knows that." He went on to explain that Coulter "thinks it just means loser or something. Well, no one fits that description better than her, so by her own standard we retards are officially sanctioning the use of the word to refer to her. The 'word police' she talks about so often will not be issuing citations for this use."

Other acceptable uses of the term "retarded" are for describing lame video game endings, people who over-toke the joint, and yourself. Like "retard", however, in the wake of Coulter's recent retarded analysis, word police will be citing pundits and talk show blowhards for inappropriate uses of the words "idiot", "retard", "moron" and "cretin" when not in reference to anyone besides Coulter, themselves or retards from centuries past. Stephens provided no exception for the use of the demonym "Cretan" when referring to residents of the island of Crete, and in reality UnNews will most likely never need to make the assumption that this was merely an oversight, as there will certainly never be a need for an article about actual Cretans.

  1. ↑ This journalist, incidentally, reserves said right accordingly
  2. ↑ At home you are free to substitute "th" for "s" and "w" for "r" - you know, like a retard

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