HowTo:Scar your children for life

This is a happy, well-adjusted teenage girl. This must not be allowed to happen.

The decision to become a parent is the most life-changing one a person could ever make. As parents, we all want our children to grow up to be as bitter, depressed, disappointed and disillusioned as we are. But try as we might, cock-eyed optimism always seems to find its way into their stupid little heads. After all, none of us can be with them 24/7 to fill them with our cynical, hateful anger, and it's a big world out there for the little ones. There are forces out there determined to keep them pursuing their lame impossible dreams of happiness, fulfillment and personal success. But there are steps you as a parent can take to ensure that none of that wretched sky's-the-limit encouragement ever penetrates the wall of anger and bitterness you have gone to such pains to erect in their souls.

Step 1 - Emotional crushing

The most important thing for you to do to keep them from thinking they can reach any goal they set for themselves is to crush them emotionally at every turn. This may sound like a lot of work, but what would you not sacrifice for the good of your child? And it can be easy if you remember one simple rule: your life pain can be their life pain. All it takes is for you to take personal offense at the opportunities they enjoy that you were never afforded. It is important that you lambaste them thoroughly every time they get a privilege in life that you never got. You don't have to actually say it. You simply need to remind them that they are ingrateful - even if they show genuine pleasure in the opportunity - and thus fill them with guilt about being any better off than you could ever have hoped to have been. They will automatically shy away from pursuing anything that you would be envious of.

Here are a few stock phrases that many parents over the generations have found to be very succesful in this area:

• You kids don't know the value of hard work - everything is just handed to you
• In my day, we appreciated the little things
• You ingrate!
• Did you drink my last beer, you piece of shit? Come back here, I'll rip your head off!

Step 2 - Because I said so

Happy? You want to be happy? Look at us! Do we look happy to you?

Another important principle is to make sure they always remember that you are in charge and you don't have to listen to a word they say, which is most likely a lie anyway. Studies have shown that children who feel heard and understood, even when the parent still does not compromise clear rules, grow up better able to function socially. This is a situation that must be avoided at all costs if you want your kids to be as bitter and ineffectual in life as you are. Yell and scream if you must, but be absolutely certain the child knows that you refuse to hear anything he or she has to say.

Also remember that your child has no right to an explanation about anything at all. Life has beaten you to a pulp, and never explained why, so you need to be sure your child feels the same way before he or she reaches adulthood. Every time you patiently explain your decisions to your child as though his or her feelings matter, you destroy his or her chance to become an emotionally crippled wreck just that much more.

For example, say your child wants to have a TV in his or her room. Obviously this will not do. Children spend too much time in their rooms anyway, and actually enjoying that time might accidentally make your child appreciate you for something you aren't - kind. He or she may yell and scream, or even try to appeal to your sense of reason, but stand strong. You didn't get your own TV, and your child doesn't need one either. If he or she pursues the argument, shut the whole issue down with the old closer: "Because I said so." This will bring the discussion to an abrupt end, and your child will have made an important step on his or her bitter path to adulthood.

Step 3 - Judgment from strangers; use it!

What people who would nurture your child's emotional health tend to call "creativity" is really just immature enthusiasm. One sure-fire way to keep that enthusiasm to a minimum is to always care what complete strangers think of your child's slightly annoying behavior. Let's face it - children maintain a dangerous level of creativity and intelligence, and they will use it to behave in ways that will annoy other respectable adults who are probably as bitter about life as you, though childless themselves. In instances like these, it is vital that you make sure the punishment is swift and vocal - and be absolutely sure the child knows that the most important individual in the situation is the stranger that scowled at you for your child's creative outburst.

For instance, you may be out grocery shopping, and your little daughter discovers that two oranges look like Mickey Mouse ears, so she puts them on her head and begins to dance and sing some insipid Disney song. Immediately you must snatch the oranges from her, smack her if you think it will better get the message across to the old sneering blue-hair at the lettuce stand, and sternly tell her to behave or you will make her sit out in the car by herself for the rest of the shopping trip. Make sure you nod to the blue-hair so that she sees that you have responded to her disdain and repaired your daughter's insolent joy.

Step 4 - Project, project, project

Remember, your child is just a small, less intelligent version of you, so everything you believe, everything you despise, and all of your phobias, prejudices, opinions and preconceived notions must be projected onto him or her at all times if you don't want them to escape the cycle of damage that has been the tradition in your family for untold generations. Your child should be given no room to be a person in his or her own right, with ideas that differ from yours - and if that does happen, it is the fault of a society that has lost its direction and strayed from the values that you have always stubbornly insisted are the only possible right ones. Smack that self-esteem building crap right out of that child if you intend for him or her to go through life with the same hateful disdain for everything that doesn't square with your narrow world view that you have. If smacking it out doesn't work, take heart - this situation offers the opportunity to implement one of the most excellent ways of guaranteeing your child's extreme resentment and anger - disowning him or her. If you aren't prepared for that extreme action, however, at the very least, you should make sure your child understands that you are very disappointed in his or her choices.

Step 5 - Everyone gets a trophy? Bah!

In order to be as maladjusted as you are, six-year-old kids should learn to rip each other's throats out in competitive situations. The only one going home happy should be the winner, so whine constantly about today's everyone-gets-a-trophy esteem-building sports and classroom culture. After all, the notion that sports and academics should be fun, encouraging and instructive for young children doesn't prepare them for the beating that the real world handed out to you. In fact, whine incessantly at your child about everything people do to help him or her feel important. You don't want any of that sinking in, so make sure your child knows he or she is not important. Take every opportunity to tell your child that he or she is not as valuable as that school of dunces always tries to tell the children they are. Your kid is certainly not as valuable as the high-achieving neighbor's kids, for instance.

Conclusion

If you have already begun to put these principles into practice, then congratulations - you have taken the vital first steps toward nurturing a more bitter, disengaged child.

There are many other ways parents have successfully contributed to their children's psychological damage throughout the generations, but these five steps are a very good way for you to begin your own such process. To have kids that are better adjusted than you ever were would be an injustice and a disservice to the hard work your own parents put into your extreme malaise, so you have an important role to play in this very vital part of their wretched little lives. It is certain that the forces working against you out there - telling your kids they are beloved, valuable, unique and special exactly the way they are - will be working hard to make them happy, healthy and prepared for life's many challenges. You must not let them succeed.