A lie (also known as telling a porky pie, vitamin L or a Government) is telling the truth in a creative way. Species who practice the fine art of lying are called "Politicans". One also must be a fucking asshole (see anal sex). Usually done by pathological liars, liberal terrorists, and women, it is also known as the only way to get people to do what you want them to do.
Professional liars study with a Zen master for ten years to receive a Master of Business Administration degree. At the end of this period of study, they realize they can just tell people they've finished the degree without actually having done it.
The Science of Lies
This is what MI5 thinks of liars.
Lies have a life cycle: half-truth → tall tale → falsehood → porky → white lie → lie → dirty lie → damned lie → France → damned dirty lie → political manifesto → statistics. Statistics are in turn interpreted by pundits and the media to create new lies. when dealing with statistics, one should remember that around 89% of all known statistics are made up. This has of course been proven through statistics.
The advent of quantum physics has changed the modern perception of lie formation. Albert Einstein, in his landmark book Das Kapital, asserts:
"A lie is a statement based on a logical discrepancy, which draws energy from its surroundings with the relationship
where E is the energy, m is the number of people who believed it, g is the weight of the lie, and q is the probability that you are not in a movie (q = 1 - probability you are in a movie). As this simple relationship shows, I totally just pulled all of that out of my arse. Or did I?"
However, commonly used basic measure unit describing amount of lies is Goebbels or Go.
The book also predicted the existence of a new type of lie, the paradox, which is used to confuse people in order to control them. An example of a paradox is:
"The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
Some common lies:
- You have lost weight.
- I'm fine! (when you are sick)
- I've got rabies
- It's not you it's me
- I'm sure that...
- I won't come in your mouth. (Just open wide and close your eyes....)
- I'm happy. (in 95% of cases)
- AFTER THIS LIST, THERE WILL BE CAKE.
- You see officer, what happened was...
- Racism is dead.
- Of course I didn’t marry you for your money, mansion and triple Z boobs!
- I'll be good! I Promise!
- I don’t want to have sex with you... Just strip and we'll see where it goes from there...
- I love only you.
- This is perfect!
- I won't die.
- I'll die without you!
- I'm telling you the truth; I never lie!
- The cheque's in the mail.
- I love exotic food.
- Monsters aren't real.
- I've never thought of doing it with another man.
- No, really. This is fine.
- Be prepared to receive cake
- I did your mum last night and she was good.
- Kesha is a good singer
- Your dad is really fit
- Freedom of religion
- Freedom of speech
- Yeah, I went to see Twilight last night and it was good!
- I'm an American.
- I love you...
- No no no, I didn't go to online college!
- I'm gonna be rich when I grow up!
- I love George W Bush
- That dress doesn't make you look fat
- You will get your birthday cake after you pass this test chamber.
Where you'll find it
Lying is commonly found in places such as:
- In Tripoli at the Rixo Hotel
- Organised religion
- any news channel
- Any government
- The Stock Market
- The White House
- The Cake
- In the minds of Celebrities
- Aperture Science
- David Cameron
- Nick Clegg
- Richard Dawkins
- Charles Darwin
- (Insert your mother joke here)
- Al Gore
- Jussie Smollett
- Bill Clinton
- Hilary Clinton
- Pathological Liars
- Jeffrey Archer
- George W. Bush
- If you honestly believed that click here
- Hold your breath for 45 seconds and you'll discover that you love air too!
- All humans are mortal
- Ten seconds later, still standing
- Oh, wait?