Note: This article is a lie.
Aperture Science: We do what we must because we can.
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What is Aperture Science?[edit | edit source]
I'm GLaD you asked me that.
Aperture Science started out as a manufacturer of Aperture Science Self-Wash Containment Cloths.
In fact, Aperture Science is still a leading manufacturer of Self-Wash Containment Cloths, and provides Self-Wash Containment Cloths to every branch in the US Military (except the Navy).
Rest assured that your Self-Wash Containment Cloth will not threaten to stab you during your self-washing process, and in fact, cannot speak, despite the Aperture Science 1960 Psychotic Self-Wash Containment Cloth Stabbing Scandal, and that the appearance of the word "Science" in the name of our company is merely a device to enhance the hygienic impression of the company.
Aperture Science somewhat changed its direction towards science thanks to the Aperture Science 1978 Three-Tier R&D System. Rest assured that any rumours of our founder having come up with this plan after contracting mercury poisoning in an attempt to poison the Naval Appropriations Committee is merely an outright fabrication by Black Mesa and you are an excellent entry reader.
This included:[edit | edit source]
- Heimlich Counter-Maneuver (which was later followed by the Counter-Heimlich Counter-Maneuver)
- Take-a-Wish Foundation (superceded today by the Aperture Science Self-Esteem Fund for Girls)
- Portal project (which did not, does not, and will not exist. Honest!)
Soon after the 1978 Three-Tier R&D System was concocted by our founder, he expired, and died for this soon after.
While the first and second tiers did their part towards improving man's place in mankind, all efforts were concentrated on the Portal project (the Uncyclopedia Entry Page takes this opportunity to remind you it does not exist) due to possible applications with the shower curtains. (The part with the shower curtains was later dismissed as a perverted idea, and was scrapped early on.)
Meanwhile, Aperture Laboratories, a subsidiary of Aperture Science that was set up for researching possible shades of colour for the Self-Wash Containment Cloths, began to build the Borealis in order to reach the Arctic and research possible applications of polar bear fur in the Self-Wash Containment Cloths. It was at this time that Aperture Laboratories began to develop de-icing equipment for the Borealis, as well as a disk operating system and a genetic lifeform. These three research departments were later merged to expand the Aperture Laboratories Polar Bear Fur Shower Curtains Department, and thus the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System began development. (Note that this is one of the most ridiculous ideas in equipment amalgamation. Oh, sorry, I was referring to the iPhone.)
This was tested on the Aperture Science Bring-Your-Daughter-To-Work Day (as Aperture Science was reverse sexist at the time), and in many ways the initial test went well. Knowledge of a dangerous Genetic Lifeform AI Morality Component malfunction resulting in the release of neurotoxin will result in immediate disqualification from reading this sentence, followed by death.
No further information is required or will be provided and you would make an excellent test subject for the nonexistent Portal project.
Tell me more about the Portal project.[edit | edit source]
The Portal project is a nonexistent project regarding a man-sized quantum ad-hoc tunnel, with varying possible applications.
What applications you may find useful will vary based on your mindset.
If you are a productive citizen:[edit | edit source]
- Perpetual motion
- Immediate transportation
- A safer and healthier work environment
- Helping us to help you help us all
If you are a perverse citizen:[edit | edit source]
- Making people fall from the top of concrete skyscrapers
- Undetected theft or sexual harassment
- Disobeying orders to assume the correct party associate submission position
- Killing a psychopathic AI
If you are a procrastinating citizen:[edit | edit source]
- Fetching food with the pull of a trigger
- Diving several thousand feet without leaving your house
- Shooting down security cameras without a really tall ladder
- Draining the ocean to fill up your pool
If you are a proud citizen, then you have no business with this project, so please move quickly to the next section.
Can I sign up to beta-test the Portal project?[edit | edit source]
Sure. You may sign up at the Aperture Science ARPANET
Prerequisites are:[edit | edit source]
- A knowledge of decades-old technology including TUI's
- A liking of cake
- Indifference towards the possible incineration of possible fellow Beta-Test Companions - Willingness to assume any and all submission positions
- Endurance of prolonged silence
- Endurance of prolonged Science
- Respect for Vital Testing Apparati
- An intense hate for Black Mesa
- Ability to deal with heights, moving platforms, rockets, incinerators, energy pellets, neurotoxin, fish-shaped sediment,fish shaped candy,fish shaped fish,pull and eat likerish, cranial caps, ethylbenzene, and other greatly upsetting stuff
If I want a job at Aperture Science, what do I do?[edit | edit source]
Just read this and we will be GLaD to give you a job:
Thank you for helping us help you help us all by participating in this Uncyclopedia Entry Page reading.