“Useful applications on a phone? Pfft, that would make sense! We can't do that! But guess what, we did.”
~ Steve Jobs on iPhone“this bit is offensive.”
~ Oscar Wilde on iPhone“Don't hiss me off”
~ Keaton Keller on iPhone“And if you want useless shit that you don't need? There's an app for that.”
~ From the commercials“Why are iPhone users such annoying pricks? No one gives a fuck if you own an iPhone.”
~ Sent From My iPhone
The iPhone is a brain control device, aimed at those in the lower end of the intelligence scale who will buy anything because it is allegedly fashionable. The device is the culmination of several years of research and development at Apple, in to how they could further extort money from customers while maintaining an almost Big Brother style control over "their" device. The famous Apple advert from the late 20th century that references 1984 was actually not meant to be an anti-Microsoft advert but in fact a promotional commercial for Apple. Unfortunately, autocorrect was in beta phase at that point in time and it caused a severe mix-up.
It now features a larger screen in order to get the Brain Rays into the users' brains more easily, which then forces them to buy the new iPhone and murder their mothers. This 'World Domination App' was activated on the 21st of December 2012 and should have wiped out the human race, however this plan was foiled due to a firmware glitch.
It is often copied by other companies which are unable to create new ideas themselves.
History[edit | edit source]
2008 was a special year for the iPhone. One of the features it was widely criticized for not having that people's Blackberries and other assorted smart phone brethren had was the ability to make and take phonecalls. This feature was not included for several years, but the iPhone was still considered to be the superior device because it was the first device in history to have been proven to make people inherently sexy.
This resulted in flamewars on the internet in which the Apple fanbois proved themselves to have much lower IQ's than originally thought, and the Smartphone owners proved that just because you have a brain doesn't mean you can win a war. Brains are overrated since they're unmarketable and do not include a store to buy more Apple products.
In 2009, Apple decided that it was a perfect time to attempt to extort more money out of their customers and released an update to their device. New features included a higher resolution camera and voice command. The Smartphone owners further pointed out that their phones had had this feature dating back to as early as 2006, but numerous fanbois went and pwned the Smartphone owners in one of the largest flamewars known to mankind, unofficially termed 'iPwn'.
Notable Features[edit | edit source]
The most notable feature on the iPhone is that it has the ability to make calls, although this was not available on the first three iterations of the device due to the cellular radio not having enough power to simultaneously control people's minds and communicate with cell towers. But that's not all; it can also send and receive text messages, however they must exclusively be written in Wingdings font. Steve Jobs professed to have invented these features, which could be cause of the large volume of sales of the phones, as most consumers will believe anything that they are told.
The camera is also famed for being one of the lowest resolution cameras in a phone. Coupled with a lack of a flash, this will guarantee that any night shots will make the most beautiful person look like a large brown mass, which is a very progressive and woke move from Apple.
Synchronisation with iTunes has also been touted as one of the greatest features to be provided in a phone. Cumbersome methods of synchronisation and activation have never been so much more convenient.
iOS 6 has also brought Apple Maps to the iPhone. This magical new software has transported old locations to interesting new ones. For example, most restaurants are now located in the sea. Fortunately, this resulted in the fatal drowning of 12 hipsters in New York, who were using their iPhones to navigate to said restaurants. Steve Jobs commented "if they'd bought the latest model then their phones would have been waterproof and sufficiently protected".
iOS 7 changed everything by resembling some kind of bastard lovechild between Android and Windows Phone 8.
Target Market[edit | edit source]
The iPhone Target Market was aimed to be the young and the hip. However, not only has this target market been hit quite well, it has also leaked onto other target markets, of which include the French and That Guy. Business owners have also begun decommissioning their BlackBerries and other assorted smartphones so that if they get a call in a meeting, they can appear to be "cool" to their clients. This ultimately fails as in most cases; clients tend to be smarter than they pretend to be.
iPhone Diseases[edit | edit source]
There are two main diseases known to iPhone users: iDiot and iRate.
iDiot[edit | edit source]
Use of the iPhone eventually induces a mental condition in all users called iDiot. This is because, that, owing to the fanciness of the device, the users consider themselves to be above everyone else and therefore treat them as a License to be Stupid. The disease itself, however, exhibits many symptoms, such as causing accidents on moving walkways, using their so-called phone when driving on a busy, multi-laned road and other general violations of common-sense and decency.
Another notable symptom is the obsessive need to waste money on Applications, more commonly known as "Apps" for the iPhone. These "Apps" are usually small programs that provide information that the user could just as easily look up on the internet, but since it goes through the app, the information is therefore deemed a lot better and sexier by the user.
Having such a rare and precious treasure like an iPhone inevitably causes the rich users to be afraid of having it stolen from them. For this reason, most iPhone users will wear jeans with holes in them, and old shirts. Their hair will usually be unkempt, and they will frequent dingy little coffee shops with couches and chairs that all are sagging and falling apart.
Eventually, the mind of the iPhone user will completely melt into nothing. Most users of the iPhone are youth who seem to think that anything with an Apple logo on it is "cool", and therefore own an iPod and a MacBook, when in reality, nobody cares about the Apple brand anymore.
iRate[edit | edit source]
iRate is also another disease, resulting in users to constantly talk about their iPhone speed rate. These users will generally rave on about how their phone can send MMS and copy and paste thanks to recent updates, unbeknownst to them that almost every other phone has been doing this for the better part of six years.
Treatment[edit | edit source]
As most iPhone owners cannot seem to live without their devices for very long, taking them away would merely result in said owner going a murderous rampage to get their device back. In all documented cases, the only known cure is summary execution, in which the blight on society is removed from public, taken behind the chemical shed, and shot.