iBauer
“The iBauer is our answer to terrorism. It can detect the presence of a genuine terrorist within a one mile radius like a wireless, long-distance, multi-directional lie detector.”
The iBauer device is Apple's answer to terrorism. It has 4 primary applications, viz., Stomp, Punch, Shoot, and Intel. It is always right. It runs on a testosterone-generated-ion-battery[1]. It has no "sleep" or "off" modes. There is also no "ON" button as the device is born ON. The iBauer can detect the presence of both a genuine terrorist and/or anti-terrorist within a one mile radius using innovative new wireless technology and then do something about it! The iBauer always disregards protocol, and it's virtually unbreakable (well, maybe a little, just enough that you feel sorry for it). Totally un-losable: It's not that you will never lose the iBauer, it's just that the iBauer will always win - even if you lose. Perfect for traveling or looking up fellow terrorists.
New Technology
Apple's spokesperson, Siri, described how the innovative iBauer system works much like a wireless, long-distance, multi-directional, thought-crime-guilt detector. When you get within one mile of a genuine terrorist it plays the Peter Gunn theme song, and gets progressively louder until it plays the Violins from Psycho shower-scene when you are close enough to use any of the primary applications, viz., Stomp, Punch, Shoot and Intel.
iBauer Applications
The free applications "iWORD" - for when you need some one to instantly trust you, and "iTIME" - for when there is absolutely no time left and you still need more time, are both available from iTunes. For the hard-of-hearing there is the iDeaf application that amplifies the sound of gun fire. And for fun there is the iAlert application that raises the national threat level to RED. Among paid applications don't forget the iAmmo App which comes in 16 rounds clips. A new application, iAuto, allows you to fire all 16 bullets on fully-automatic with a single hair-trigger touch. Note: Make sure the camera-bullet hole is pointing away from you when using this application.
Exotic iBauer Applications
The iTunes App Store geniuses are always looking to make life and death easier on the trendy. And with just that in mind they have developed the following applications for the iBauer, with prices shown: iCrash - If you're in a Sky-jacked airplane that is going to crash in the African jungle, you employ this device and you'll immediately be covered in an unbreakable anti-matter cushion - 0.99 cents. iExit - If you're in a Sky-jacked airplane that is going to crash in the African jungle, you have already deployed the iCrash cushion, now you employ this device which will blow a hole in your side of the plane thus allowing you to exit - 0.99 cents. iParachute - Self-explanatory application - FREE. iRipcord - Self-explanatory application - $9,000. iBorrow - Self-explanatory application, with instant credit checking (Note: The iRip and iBorrow applications are only one price plus interest). iTarzanYouJane - When you land and are lost in the jungle, imagine you come across a really sexy female ape. You employ this application - 0.99 cents. iCompass - Self-explanatory application (remember, the Sun rises and sets on the horizon) - FREE. iFound - When you are sick of the jungle then you press this application - $90,000. iBorrow - Self-explanatory application (Note: The iFound and iBorrow applications are only one price plus indentured servitude).
iBauer's Terrorist Mode
This device can also be switched into reverse mode, with terrorists replaced by "iNfidels", simply by pushing the green "iSlam" button that's built into every unit. This button allows you to trigger the apocalypse, or not. It also unlocks 16 deadly conflicting translations of the Koran in 92 languages, including Arabic, Gibberish and Hebrew, and also includes "iBrotha" dictionary that translates Arabic to Jive with illustrations. And for any 'randy' Arabs there is the "iNude" application which features full facial nudity (i.e., guys without beards).
iBauer Applications for Terrorists
The following free apps are available for the iBauer when it's in the iSlam mode: iRug - For when you need to stop and pray. iMecca - For when you need a place to pray toward. iAllah - For when you need a person to pray to. iFucked - For when you're selected for a suicide run (gives heart-to-heart pep-talk in Pakistani). iGenie - For when you need a way out of there. Wishes come in packs of 3, and more iWish packs can be purchased from iTunes App store for free if you always use your 3rd wish to get more wishes (really nifty App). iMagicCarpet - Use this for the way out of there. iStudentVisa - Use when you want to enter America. iGreenCard - Use when you want to live in the Land of Liberty. iSleeperCell - Use to discern how you are viewed in the United States.
Other terrorist apps are being considered, and Apple encourages Sunni, Shia, Sufi, and Zionist terrorists or anti-terrorists to submit ideas to Apple's Jihad/Apocalypse Application Development Department. Your cooperation is most welcome and much appreciated in the name of the profit.
NOTE: The iTorture App will only be sold to children. Users must show absence of ID to prove they are at most under the age of 9 - no 'double digit' weirdos are allowed to play with this application[2].
Non Discriminatory
"We aim to make everyone happy!", concluded Siri, "we don't discriminate against terrorists, or anyone, except Pee-See-Yousers."
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